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I believe I can help you with your concern
So Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a very severe disorder that is characterized by rapid mood swings (usually consisting of negative emotions like anxiety, depression, and anger), fear of abandonment, self-destructive behavior, impulsivity, anger outbursts, self-loathing, and possible suicidal or self-harming behavior. Here is a good link that can explain it in more detail for you
Now she can display all of these symptoms or only part of them, it depends on how severe her level of BPD is, if she in fact has it.
This is also a good link explaining BPD in more detail as well.
the thing is , I communicated with one of the experts here, and she made me think about BPD
is it ok if I asked my question again to you
Of course it is okay, I was just reading your question you made previously. That was to a relationship expert and not a mental health expert, those were two different categories, so you can ask me your question here definitely
Ok, for me it is the same as I am looking for a solution
I specialize in the treatment of BPD and other personality disorders as well, so I know a lot about it.
ok that is great
so my wife can get angry easily
ok before I start stating my problem, I would like to highlight that I wanna know if the problem comes from her side or mine
Well the best treatment for her is called Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). DBT has a premise that your symptoms are caused by negative thoughts, so if we change your thought process to be more positive and objective as well, then your symptoms will lessen. In addition, DBT adds an emotional component to help control her negative emotions as well.
Sure no problem, I understand that.
we been married since a year ago, we come from different backgrounds , I am arab and se is european
from the begining of our relation, she had this anger, but was hidden and was not always there,
now anything can get on her nervous
she would fight with me in every discussion we have , she was willing to admit in the begining that its her fault and she willing to change,but every 2 days we had a fight, she has this anger and she is so challenging and she denies manh things she said before,or claims that I have done things which she done
today she asked me something about her job, and I was asking her question to understand what she wants
for a reason that i dunno, she just burst and start fighting and accusing me that I dont trust her and i interfer in her job and shows her that she is incapable of doing it
she has hormons problems lately and thyroid as well
but even before these health issues she used to be aggressive,and she used to tell me taht she get angry and aggressive and a defence mechansim and she can not lower her attitude and tone at taht point to make things better
she been married twice before me , and she used to tell me things happend with her ex's, and that one of them treated her badly and even went through a physical abuse by him but it was once bfore they end the marriage,the thing is what she told me that happened with her exs is happeneing now with us
I can snap easily, but recently I am trying to hold myself ,and I dont go crazy, to do horrible thigs,but now I start to control myslef
I feel she is dealig with me like I am a stranger man ,or someone who doesnt mean anything to her when we discuss things which turns out to be a fight
many things she has declined that happened or agreed on , and accusing me that I have a rusty memory
ok I belive sometimes I do forget things , but there are things can stick in my head because they are like milestones for me
but even these things she made me to start questioning them if they really happend or not
this is my problem in brief
if u would like to ask me any questions to get a better picture , I would be glad to answer
hopefully i expressed my self properly in english as it is not my first language
I think she can have BPD because of the anger issues, relationship history, and her wide mood swings. Obviously she would need an evaluation by a professional to make that determination
No you did great :)
So you think that her behavior can somewhat be your fault? Why do you think that?
but when i read about BPD, I could apply the symptoms to everyone I know including myself
Haha, well the symptoms have to cause great distress for the individual and have to be a part of the person's personality.
I dont know if it could be my fault or not, but I been in many relationships in my life, (never married ) was engaged couple of times, so this is one of the symptoms of BPD, not to have stable relationships
so I dont know if I am doing something to her to get her that angry ,I am really confused
No, you are not doing anything wrong at all. BPD has strong genetic components, so she would act this way if you were there or not
I also want to recommend these books as well for BPD and BPD treatment
the thing i used to do and stopped, that I was treating her with divorce mant times,but actually i was thinking to get divorcce due to hear behaviuor
ok I would check these books, but what should i do
I think you have to convince her to seek therapy, possibly couples therapy if that is an option.
No matter what you do, she will always act this way and possibly blame you
the thing is she doesnt listen at all, and after each fight , and when i feel relaxed and talk to her calmly she would cry and ask me not to leave and she only want me to be teder and lovig to her all the time
I tried this , but it didnt work all the time , sometimes she get more angry or start being bossy
Yeah it wont work all the time. The mood shifts are too rapid and wide that you cannot help her without treatment.
so you believe she has BPD
It sounds very close to BPD, yes I think BPD is a strong possibility
is it possible that I have BPD
Also this website is very good to for treatment for BPD.
Do you have mood swings, anger out bursts, self-destructive behavior?
mood swings yes , anger yes but it is not anger it is more like I snap and that is it
but the time to recover from my anger depends on how long I been angry
but I think everyone has mood swings
especially these days, wth life stress and issues
self destructive behavior ! i dunno if smoking can be considered as one
I am a smoker
Mood swings can occur from life stressors, but if the mood swings are incomparable to the stressors, then yes that is a disorder.
No smoking is not self-destructive
no then I dont have mood swings
Yeah I think she has mood swings associated with BPD.
actually one of my good deeds that I can handle stress and problems, I am patient
she used to tell me she doesnt belong to this world
and she feels different thatn thers
but with me she feels safe
Yeah individuals with BPD are not patient at all, so I do not think you have BPD.
but i didnt pay attention to this , bcos all women would say that to their men
most of the women I been with told me the same
but i read in the BPD sites that they dont feel the ground and feel lost
Individuals with BPD do feel very lost emotionally and feel that they have no control of their emotions and they no one understands them
Ok how can I convince her to seek professional help
Well i think the best way is to suggest couples counseling for both of you. You do not want to blame her for this, but use the pronouns "we" and "us" a lot to show that you are there to support each other and that you two are a team. Say you want to work on strengthening the relationship for it to move forward and be more healthy. She will be more open to this
ok ,in the meantime how can I deal with her ?
That will be hard. You will have to help her think more objectively. I can show you some techniques that may help her in the meantime.
So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more objective and plausible). This will help you change your way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.
In addition, these two worksheets are very good at helping lessen anxiety and depressive symptoms. It can help you focus on the big picture and the objective/positive thoughts and outcomes.
Also individuals with severe depression and anxiety have a poor coping mechanism, so this worksheet will help you develop a better coping strategy to manage your symptoms better.
These worksheets can help her not to focus on the negative thoughts that are causing her symptoms so much
Is there anything else I can assist you with?
yes couple f things about her past
Go for it
she told me she used to stutter when she was younger and then she develped this technique to help her to overcome this problem,now wheneever she get angry she starts stuttering again
and I dont know if she use this as defence mechanism or she is really facing this problem
plus her parents loves her so much more than her other sister, and It seems they are willing to do wat she wants ,is this possible reason why she acts like this with me
Some individuals when they are in an emotional state will regress to earlier behaviors, so it is not uncommon for stuttering to happen like this when she gets angry
is it possible the culture differenc we have is affecting her?
Possibly the stress of the cultural differences could have triggered this, but she was susceptible to BPD, so any stress could have triggered it too
ok Dr. Z, thanks for your help
Anytime, I am always happy to help. I hope your wife feels better soon and responds well to the treatment. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.
yes I will , Thanks again and have a good day or night,i dont know in which country you are :)
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX for me, I am in the United States, but I am happy to help. I hope everything works out well for you and your wife :)
Good night and thanks again
You are most welcome