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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5112
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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I met someone 5 months ago and I thought he was seeing someone

Resolved Question:

I met someone 5 months ago and I thought he was seeing someone so I put spyware on his phone and he found out and half way threw the month I felt guilty for doing it. So am I mental for doing it
Submitted: 12 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 12 months ago.

Dr. Mark :

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.

Dr. Mark :

What is the situation now? Is he still upset?

Dr. Mark :

The screen says you gave a poor rating. Is this because you're having technical problems?

Customer: Hello
Dr. Mark :

Hi. I was just typing an answer for you in the question/answer format because you were offline. Let me paste it in here:

Customer: Yes it just happened today he found out
Dr. Mark :

 


First, let me say I can imagine how difficult and confusing this situation must be for you. Trust is something so basic and important in having meaningful relationships. From what you wrote, this whole episode began because of your distrust, or lack of trust, of him. You then felt awful you took this step. I assume this is because you feel that he did not deserve to have you distrust him, as well as that you felt this was not a good and healthy thing to do.


 


 


You feel badly about having done it and you're not sure what made you do it. But you need to know, and he also needs to know, that feeling like you're putting in effort into a relationship, putting your heart into loving and caring for someone, is very emotionally fragile for a long time at first. And when it feels as though your love may be betrayed, the hurt and worry can cause a lot of anxiety and internal stress. People do a lot of things to relieve that intense worry. And so what you did is not uncommon.


 


 


The idea here is for hte two of you to focus on rebuilding the loving trust and not to focus on why you might have panicked. That was not so uncommon, but the important thing to do is to strengthen your love for each other. So let me speak about how trust really works:


 


 


If trust is going to be based on knowledge, on certainty, then there is no way for you to ever have it. And probably trust would hardly ever be humanly possible. Why?


 


 


You have to understand how trust works. Trust is not a GUARANTEE about the future or about what is in a person's heart. Trust is a mutual agreement among people. You can't ever be certain about what anyone will do in the future or what is in their heart now. So how do you trust in someone or anyone? You have to BESTOW trust in them.


 


 


Trust, then, is something that you decide to grant. You must take the time to clarify for yourself how you want to approach your relationship. How do you want to bestow trust?




The best way is to look at the strength of the relationship itself. If the attention and the focus is strong between the two of you, the caring is strong, then there is a basis for bestowing trust. So work on building the positive feelings between you two:


enjoying each other, the time together, the interests shared; caring for each other, anticipating each other's needs. These are the things that make it easy to trust. And if the two of you strengthen these positives then it will feel natural to trust.



Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark :

Let me know what you think, and we can continue, okay?

Customer: How do I get him to even think a out trusting me again and what do I say to him
Dr. Mark :

So, then, he is very upset, is that right? Has he said he's leaving?

Customer: We don't leave together and he said he won't trust me again and romantic wise he said it took away 45% of it
Dr. Mark :

First of all, you were worried he was seeing someone else. Is that worry over? Or are you also unsure about wanting to stay with him because you still think he might be seeing someone else?

Customer: No the issue is over there was nothing it was all me being stupid
Dr. Mark :

Good. That makes this easier.

Dr. Mark :

First, I need you to remember: this is going to be a process, it's not that you're going to do one thing that is going to make it all okay again, okay?

Customer: Ok
Customer: What should I do or say
Dr. Mark :

The most important step in this process is to acknowledge that you were worried and scared, that it was an act from stress of worry, like I wrote above; and so to let him know that you recognize it was a mistake and something you are not proud of and that you only ask

Dr. Mark :

that he recognize that it came from worry about your love for him, concern about your caring for him.

Dr. Mark :

That it wasn't because you are a mistrusting type of person,

Dr. Mark :

rather that you care very much for him and you were feeling hurt inside because of your misunderstanding. And that this hurt made you act in a foolish way that was not something you would do.

Dr. Mark :

Then tell him that you recognize that rebuilding trust is a process. That it's not something that you can "undo" in one fell swoop.

Dr. Mark :

Rather, it is something that as you two have positive experiences again together, that you two will begin to feel those more strongly

Dr. Mark :

and the distance that this action made between you will begin to recede.

Dr. Mark :

Does this resonate with you?

Customer: Yes but he said I'm obsessive and am I one of those people that might stalk him and
Dr. Mark :

I see. He's very upset. Then you need to say all those things above and stress very much that he will see with time that this is not the case. That you are not obsessive.

Customer: He thinks I'm mental unstable
Dr. Mark :

Again, the same strategy: you have to reassure him that he will see with time that this is not the case. He's way too upset to try to get him to relax fast.

Dr. Mark :

But he said it took away 45%. So remind him that there's still the 55% and to give you a chance to slowly show him that he can trust you. Okay?

Customer: Thanks I will try
Dr. Mark :

Remember: this just happened and he is in the heat of being very upset, so

Dr. Mark :

your job right now is to just help him not make any drastic decisions. And it sounds like he's not, so that's good.

Dr. Mark :

Then it's time, a matter of letting time help him relax about this. That's what you are seeking, like I wrote above.

Dr. Mark :

Time right now is what you need so his emotions cool, so he can see who you really are again, and so you can rebuild that trust.

Dr. Mark :

Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5112
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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