I have been seeing my boyfriend for 9 months now and I am going through something similar now to what has happened several times during our relationship, but I dont understand what is really going on here. I say something to him about him cheating (usually something possibly suspicious such as text msgs, call logs). He then gets very angry and accuses me of snooping and the fight ends with him saying that he cant be in a relationship with someone who goes through his phone/computer. He then asks me to leave his apartment (or demands his house key back) since we dont live together. What follows are days/ sometimes weeks of him totally ignoring me. He wont take my calls or return messages. If I go over to try and talk to him he closes the door in my face. Then I leave him alone and wait for the "verdict". He has broken up with me twice in similar situations. Other times I will go for 2 weeks or so not knowing where things stand. Then I start asking where I stand and I feel like I end up apologizing for stuff, but he is the one who has treated me in this heartless manner. In the past, he usually comes around after some convincing. Its always the same thing that seems to trigger these fights followed by him cutting himself off from me completely for weeks. And I dont know where I stand. Please explain what happens to him that causes him to act this extreme? Why does this only happen when I bring up an issue I am having with him possibly cheating?
Hello I believe I can help you with your concern
I am so sorry that you are having this issue with your boyfriend, I can imagine how this distresses you
I would like to ask a couple questions to get some more information, and be able to help you more.
You mention that you say to something about cheating to him, and this usually triggers these issues, has he cheated on you in the past?
Also does he have any low self-esteem issues that you know of?
Yes, I have caught him cheating on me once. I did not see it, but I heard everything through an open window. To this day he still denies that he cheated.
He has had an extremely traumatic background but then I would think that multiple issues may trigger this extreme anger, not just the one "hot topic"
This man is very self focused and I am guessing has low self esteem although he hides it in being over confident about himslef
this reaction seems extreme to me
Mature adults talk about issues...not cut the other person off completely
Okay, that is very common to hide it and over-compensate for low self-esteem. So if you caught him cheating on you in the past, but it was never resolved, as he never admitted to it, this can lead to you being more suspicion and him being more defensive, which could account for his extreme reaction.
I agree, but I think him cutting you off completely is a passive-aggressive way of expressing anger that many individual with low self-esteem do
Why would he be angry at me for a problem I brought up concerning HIS possible infidelities
There are a couple of possibilities. One is that he is cheating on you currently and does not want to get caught and by blaming you is a way of deflecting that.
I have suspected him cheating early in the relationship as I found a condom in his pocket. And he used to spend late hours at this one womans house.
Another possibility is that he is getting frustrated by the accusation and instead of being assertive and talking about it, this is how he responded to it.
He has reacted this way since pretty much 3 months into our relationship.
The frustration built up and caused this level of an anger reaction
I realize I do tend to obsess about what he is up to...based on my instinct though.
If he acted this way so early in the relationship, then it is possible that he is being unfaithful to you and it blaming you to know take responsibility for his own reactions.
By obsess, how often would you bring it up?
How can he blame me for HIS actions?
I bring something up about once every month to two months
Many individuals who do something wrong or cheat will shift the blame on to you because this is their way of failing to take responsibility for his actions and to make it seem like your fault, it is a form of manipulation.
I see. He doesnt ever get angry about any other event/topic..only this one
Well that could be because he is cheating then, and this is him being really defensive about it to the point he gets very angry and then shifts the blame on you. This is a form of manipulation that some individuals in relationships will do when they are unfaithful.
Have you considered couples counseling with him at all because this seems like a tumultuous relationship you have had with this person.
I can understand getting angry and annoyed with me always bringing this subject up and me going through his phone etc, but complete ex-communication for weeks. Is this fairly common?
It is common with individuals who have low self-esteem and improperly express their anger.
Individuals should always express their anger, but in an assertive and healthy manner to promote conversation
So other women in relationships go through what I do?
Yes definitely, other women and men have gone through what you are going through
So basically you are saying this reaction is because he IS cheating and feels guilty?
Well that is definitely one possibility, I do not know him, so I cannot say with 100 percent certainty. The other possibilities is that he is frustrated with you thinking he is a cheater and instead of talking about it with you, he overreacts in this way because he is unable to express his anger/frustration in an assertive and healthy manner
I suspect he may be bipolar because he has cycles of depression and then lots of energy. He has admitted to suffering from depression too. Could these episodes be related to that perhaps? I wondered about that, but the mood change is extremely rapid...happy and loving before I have the "bad"conversation with him, then as soon as I mention something..this extreme reaction happens literally within seconds.
The cylces of depression and mania are typically where an individual goes through months of depression and then a couple weeks of mania in Bipolar Disorder. Now low self-esteem is a symptom of depression and so is irritability, so his reaction can be associated with that. Also the mania of Bipolar disorder can account for this too, but your timing would have to exact each time you bring this issue of cheating up.
The depressive episodes sound more likely for his reactions
When people go into this extreme cut off mode, are they feeling sad about fighting with me during this period or are they getting angrier as time goes on during their absence?
They are feeling very vulnerable and usually they get angry at first, then they get sad and lonely as time passes which is why you get together weeks later
So can you suggest the best way for me to handle this situation when it occurs? ( I never know if he will break up with me or not)..
Well i think couples counseling is the best option for both of you because this behavior will always continue without good psychological counseling
But if this man is a player/cheater and he gets depressed and lonely during this time, is he MORE likely to cheat or LESS likely?
I think no matter what you do, he may always react in this manner or a similar manner.
Some individuals are more likely to cheat when they have low self-esteem because they seek validation from multiple sources.
What I meant with my earlier question was, do I just wait for him to contact me then? What if I dont hear from him for another week?
Well I think you should wait for him to contact you, you do not want to push him. But I also think you should give it a good thought if this is a healthy relationship for you regarding his psychological issues that he may have.
Thank you very much for helping me with this issue
Anytime, is there anything else I can help you with tonight?
Not right this minute, but I will be sure to contact you if I have further questions, if I may?
Of course you can contact me anytime in the future :) I wish you the best of luck with everything. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, and again if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.
You are most welcome :)
This boyfriend still has not contacted me and its been a week of total silence now. I am getting very anxious about not hearing from him. Should I still wait and not contact him?
My other question is if he does eventually call..what is the best way to behave. Should I show my sadness or disaproval of his behavior or act like nothing has happened and just carry on..?
Thank you. But what am I apologizing for exactly? I simply asked him a question and he was the one who cut me off totally. If I apologize it looks like I am guilty of something and I dont feel I am
Hello again. I am feeling very depressed and dont know what I can do. I am so confused. After a week of silence on Saturday I texted my bf " I miss you". He replied that I should come to the tango class he teaches that night. I was sick so I couldnt go and texted him that. He then offered to bring me dinner if I hadnt eaten. He drove through to my place. He didnt stay long though and acted distant. No hug or anything. Then yesterday I texted him asking if he wanted to get together that evening. He replied "No thanks, XXXXX XXXXX". I found this very strange. SO I asked wrote to him and said that if you dont want to be with me, please just let me know". His reply was " I dont, Im sorry".
Obviously I was very upset. I went to his place to try and talk but he had some teeth cleaning device in his mouth and conveniently couldnt talk. So I basically said how I felt about him and asked if he would reconsider. I dont know if it was a nod indicating yes. But I could tell he already had plans for the evening, and he only got back to his place around 3 am. I dont know what to make of all this. If he really didnt want to have anything to do with me, why would he bother inviting me to his class or bringing me food, and then the next day saying he doesnt want to be with me anymore? I am so confused. What is going on here?
Can you please explain why he would be feeling vulnerable?
Also, what is most upsetting was his text saying he doesnt want to be with me anymore. Since he is a volatile and unpredictable person I just dont know if he actually meant this or not