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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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ive just recently started to question why im permanetly single.

Resolved Question:

ive just recently started to question why im permanetly single. one thing i do is become desperatly needy with men im attracted to, i believe that comes from craving my distant fathers attention as a child. but when a man shows interest and im not interested i am literally disgusted by them, ive also had this feeling with certain girlfriends boyfriends, i despise them. i cant gat to the bottom of why i feel this way about certain men.
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 10 months ago.

Coach Jen K. :

Hi and welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Coach Jen K. :

Thanks for being open about how you feel.

Coach Jen K. :

I think it sounds like there are some unresolved issues around anger...maybe anger for the distant relationships within your family.

Coach Jen K. :

This can make it tough to feel safe enough to connect with someone and scary to do so.

Coach Jen K. :

That could be why the repulsion comes on so strong.

Coach Jen K. :

Even if you dont recall anything bad happening that doesn't mean you cant have feelings of sadness for wanting more or having closer relationships.

Customer:

i did have a lot of anger for a long time, as a child and in early adulthood, later on in life as i have matured become more aware of myself that has gone

Coach Jen K. :

It might be helpful to have some counseling to let yourself feel what you feel about your childhood, having a distant father and how that may be affecting you now while trying to connect to others.

Coach Jen K. :

I am glad you can see that and it is okay that you have it. It just lets us know that you have some feelings bottled up and need a safe place to let them out and see how they are affecting you now.

Coach Jen K. :

You are desiring a connection with someone and that lends itself to being needy because you want it so much.

Coach Jen K. :

yet when they want more you can get repulsed by it.

Coach Jen K. :

its a matter of really understanding the feelings of loneliness in childhood and working through them so that they do not affect you as it does now and impacts all of your relationships.

Customer:

so you think the two things are linked? and could reflect a lonely childhood?

Coach Jen K. :

I see you coming in and out of the chat. I hope you are not having any technical issues.

Customer:

no! no technical problems

Coach Jen K. :

I think if you are having these feelings about your childhood and you have felt this anger and repulsion it could mean that you have some unresolved feelings about it all

Coach Jen K. :

ok good. I am here with you I just see you stepping in and out of chat, but I am here.

Customer:

what could be a way today to start resolving those, ive realised about my neediness with men and where that comes from, but when i think about the repultion i hit a wall

Coach Jen K. :

I wonder if on some level you dont feel deserving of it all and when someone shows interest there is repulsion.

Coach Jen K. :

hard to take in new affection if we havent had much

Coach Jen K. :

and it can feel scary to receive it so the repulsion comes up as a way to avoid it all

Customer:

ive never thought of it like that, but i do feel annoyed at them for liking me, when i dont like them, it makes me angry

Coach Jen K. :

yes so I think we may be onto something here

Customer:

if that is the case, how can i change my thought process

Coach Jen K. :

Great question

Coach Jen K. :

I think the feelings around this stuff needs to be looked at deeply...hard to just change the thought process without understanding the why of it all and how the loneliness has really affected you.

Coach Jen K. :

Would counseling be an option for you?

Coach Jen K. :

in the short term you can practice by saying to yourself when these feelings of repulsion come up....I know what this is...I am going to sit with it and learn more about this person. I just may be surprised

Coach Jen K. :

it could be the ones you are repulsed by are the ones that trigger these feelings of fear because they could be someone with whom you could connect if you let yourself

Customer:

yes it could be, ive never thought of it before, talking about myself doesnt come easily!

Coach Jen K. :

I know it can be hard. But you deserve to understand this and connect to someone else.

Coach Jen K. :

I think you want to but I think it feels very scary for you...fear of losing yourself

Coach Jen K. :

fear of being enveloped by someone else

Coach Jen K. :

loss of autonomy

Coach Jen K. :

but all of those things can be managed in a healthy relationship

Customer:

yes i know i do do, thats why im really working on why im single and this question has come up, and ben difficult for me to answer

Coach Jen K. :

You are doing a great job here so face to face with someone could really be helpful for you.

Customer:

do you have any advice on how i could find a counseleller?

Coach Jen K. :

where in the UK are you located?

Customer:

chichester, west sussex

Coach Jen K. :

please give me a moment while I look for someone in that area.

Coach Jen K. :

Here is a listing of therapists in your area http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/town-chichester.html

Coach Jen K. :

I would go through their profiles and make a call or two. It is all about how you connect with them

Coach Jen K. :

I know it can feel scary but through this connection a lot of healing can occur.

Customer:

thankyou, i will contact them, i actually feel just from this conversation a weight has lifted

Coach Jen K. :

I am so thrilled to hear that. What that also lets me know is how open you are to looking at this and that you will do well working with someone face to face.

Coach Jen K. :

come to me anytime and please take a moment to offer a rating of my support. I am here when you need.

Customer:

thankyou jen

Coach Jen K. :

it is my pleasure. You are worth it. You sound like a lovely woman.

Customer:

i think i need to start believing that! many thanks

Coach Jen K. :

I am here to remind you. :-)

Customer:

thabkyou and bye for now

Coach Jen K. :

bye for now. Thank you in advance for taking the time to rate my work.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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