Welcome to the site.
I am Dr. Kaushik and I am a psychiatrist and I believe I can help you with your problem.
First of all I am sorry to learn about your traumatic past and I empathize with you.
The emotional trauma of having been sexual abused was such a devastating event for you as it would have been for any one else that it lead to development of what is clinically termed as PTSD (Post traumatic stress
disorder) and the ruminations and flashbacks of the event which disgust and mortify you to the core are emotional implications of PTSD and these have a tendency to form a vicious cycle and repeat themselves again and again.
So basically I am humbly and earnestly trying to tell you that your emotional trauma of past sexual abuse can be brought to a closure only when you can express your emotions whole heartedly and express your anguish and get the load off your chest.
So it is essential for you to seek professional counseling in the form of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) from a psychologist or psychotherapist which will help with the process of catharsis (venting out of emotional pain pertinent to the traumatic life experience).
I agree that at the moment seeking professional help may seem like a distant goal when you are finding it overly difficult to talk to your parents and friends whom you trust and rely on but sometimes it is difficult to open up in front of known close relations but easier to confide in a non - judgmental professional who may be a stranger for you but with the use of CBT he/she can help you overcome your sorrow and learn coping skills to endure and tackle this stress that you have been carrying on your shoulders .
Now if after all of this explanation you still find that you are incapable of opening up your emotional wounds and expressing your pain to a professional or to a confidante then I will propose that you seek from your primary doctor a prescription of an anti depressant drug such as lexapro (generic -escitalopram) at dose of 10 mg/day which will not only improve your low mood but also it shall give you some courage to go out of your inhibition and open up and emote whole heartedly so as to burden your emotional trauma.
If getting prescription for this drug is not possible then an alternative to this is that you can seek a herbal drug called as St. John's wort from a pharmacy which shall be available off shelf without prescription , this herb has an effective anti depressant action and it shall help you to overcome your present phase.
I hope this helps.
Wish you all the best.
Please kindly leave a Positive rating if you are satisfied with the answer .