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Ask Dr. Z Your Own Question

Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5199
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Follow up?

Resolved Question:

Follow up?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello

Dr. Z :

Hi Gilbert, how are you?

Dr. Z :

How are things going with your girlfriend?

Customer:

Dr Z thanks for taking my request..

Dr. Z :

Anytime :)

Customer:

well things are been "OK"

Customer:

we talked on tuesday, I was supposed to go over but she toold me the following..

Customer:

"I want to but I know I feel like shit and have a hedache so I might pass out in u. Plus I dont want to be actiong moody n u get annoyed, I want to be happy and in a good mood. I feel we been segueing alot recentlu"

Customer:

I repply ok no worries

Customer:

she " ok.. Well I think we both been moody n off for wathever reasn. Dont You?"

Customer:

so I say, I understand I feel the same way, I know we bothh dont want to feel like that and I understand your drained.

Customer:

so left it as that.

Customer:

this was SAturday.. sunday I went over there

Customer:

and she was still Irritable.. so she asked me something and it seems that for the smallest reason, I dont say it on the Apropiate tone of voice and she gets upset.

Customer:

so she asked me what was wrong.. I told her Honestly .. I want to apologized for my behavior that day she went out with claudia.. that was not me and I let my emotions took over my mind, that I needed her help on this, because from my past experiences what she did Trigger my behavior, and Obiously me asking for her phone and go over that was not right and there was no excuse or I was trying to justify my actions

Customer:

I was something I need to get out my chest.

Dr. Z :

That was good of you to apologize for

Customer:

I told her I was not Protective .. and that I was sorry.
But I needed her help. by telling me if shes going out with friedns.. I was not asking her and I made it clear w her.. Im not asking you for to asked me for permision, just a commmon curtesy as a boyfriend.

Customer:

I did understand that My behavior was not right but she needed to meet me there half ways, besides that Me acting like that trigger her behavior about a Protective staler status boyfriend like she has in the past. but that was not me

Customer:

she told me.. Honestly " I dont know If I want to be with you right now" I feel everytime we see each other is a argument or a fight.. I told her were talking.. not arguing. she told me that the conversation was draining her..and that She does not know if she cant let that go.. might take her a week..2..3.. a month and she does not like to be feeeling this way.. and does not want that

Customer:

I told her I was afraid of that.. and that I dint want to push her away..

Customer:

we still txt.. im giving her time and space .. not meaning we not togheter.. just to let her breath.

Customer:

I though apologizing was the right thing to do, since honestly that is not me.. but she needed to understand that After finfing a profile of her on match, she needed to know where was I coming from.

Customer:

done.. writing for now :)

Dr. Z :

I understand your concern, but we did talk about this and how this behavior (jealousy and possessiveness/protectiveness) was going to push her away. You definitely have to give her space and let her come back to you. It is a good sign that she is texting you still, so she does still want to be with you, but she is "testing" you to see if you have truly changed or willing to change for her

Dr. Z :

So it was good that you apologized and explained, but now you are going to have to prove it through your actions for her

Customer:

she told me.. " i dont hate you or mad at you or anything "

Customer:

what suggestions you can give me?
I guess at this point is up to her to continue to be with me?

Dr. Z :

It will be up to her, but you can show her that you have changed to. She will be testing you during this time, like she will go out without telling you and you cannot ask her 1000 questions about that. She will do these small things to show that you have changed, so you will have to show her that you are making an effort and do not want the relationship to continue like it has been, but you want to be better for her.

Dr. Z :

So you will have to be patient with her and let her come back to you eventually, this will be your best chance to stay in a relationship with her

Customer:

yes we txt.. sometimes i dont know what to say to her..

Dr. Z :

Just ask her how she is, how she is doing, make small talk with her like you are still a couple.

Customer:

what else can I do?
she told me ..Because I wanted to go out to a local place to watch the NFL game.. " really I dont want to go out with you in public because im afraid that the most minimal thing will trigger you and Idont know how your going to act"

Customer:

and this is for her past experiences..

Dr. Z :

Well you have to give her space then, do not push her. I know you want to see her and continue the relationship with you, but right now she is against that. The best course of action is to continue texting her, but do not force the issue of seeing her just yet. Let her come to you. This is your best solution.

Customer:

I think its a test for both.. and this might be the key to a solid relationship??? or im wrong??

Dr. Z :

You can send small cards here and there to her or possibly flowers too, but I would not do anything more to overwhelm her.

Dr. Z :

I definitely think this is a test for you, I am not sure for her because I do not know her

Dr. Z :

But just focus on you right now.

Customer:

I mean were texting now, that Im about to go to bed, and Im afraid of telling her "Night I love you" just to not put more pressure in her

Dr. Z :

You can say you love her, but do not expect it back necessarily

Customer:

I aslo told her " you dont have to tell me anything or tell me where you are all the time"
I was clear on those things

Customer:

shes going to cali this weekend as we know she flights often

Dr. Z :

I know you were, but now you will have to prove that because she will go out with her friends now and you cannot ask tons of questions to her or she will think you are interrogating her.

Customer:

yes I know.. I wonder how she feels.. Did I mention I hate relathionships haha

Dr. Z :

They can be very complicated, but they can also be pretty great too.

Customer:

Dude this is like the soap ophera Gilbert lol

Dr. Z :

Right now you will have to be patient with her and wait to see what she does, hopefully she will want to continue the relationship

Customer:

is this one 1-10 to you how complicated?

Dr. Z :

Complication of relationships are in the eye of the beholder, so it is complicated for you and that is all that matters

Customer:

It was a nice Gesture of her when I told her I was leaving and she got a little upset and told me, you never leave this early.. I recorded all those NCIS shows for you.

Dr. Z :

Well like I said she still wants a relationship with you, but she was getting tired of the jealousy and insecurity. She still cares a lot for you and that is why she did not break it off completely, she is giving you a chance

Dr. Z :

If you be patient, give her space, and show through your actions that you are changing than that will be the best chance you can have for keeping her

Customer:

Elaborate "compleately" are we on a stage here?

Customer:

I just txt her "Gnight babe, love you."
she just repply Gnigh

Dr. Z :

Yeah that is what I thought. Do not push her to say "love" to you. When she is ready, she will

Customer:

But Dr Z you tell me my actions.. I get that.. But what about her Actions?

Dr. Z :

What do you mean her actions?

Customer:

actions has is if shes going to tell me if shes going to haung out w friends .. so i cannot act the way i did.. if shes going to put a effort

Customer:

when you say compleately here//
Well like I said she still wants a relationship with you, but she was getting tired of the jealousy and insecurity. She still cares a lot for you and that is why she did not break it off completely, she is giving you a chance

Customer:

are we not a couple anymore? or where will you think we are with all of this?

Dr. Z :

I doubt she will tell you all the time that she will be going out. Sometimes if it is planned she may tell you, but if it is spur of the moment she wont tell you and she may not respond to your texts while out with friends. This will make you anxious, but you cannot send her many texts or call her many times if she does not respond. Also you cannot question her a lot if she does say that she went out with friends after the fact.

Dr. Z :

I think you are a couple still, but kind of on a break

Dr. Z :

That is why she wants the space. But this does mean you can go out with another girl and she cannot go out with another guy

Customer:

oh boy.. this break.. does it mean she can see other peeps? I hate this part lol

Customer:

oh ok LOL!

Customer:

great minds think alike!!

Dr. Z :

Yep, well I knew you would ask and I wanted to clarify

Customer:

:D

Dr. Z :

Only if she said your were officially broken up can you see other people, but that is not the case here

Customer:

since I know and you know Im going to get anxious.. if she does not response to calls or texts.. how can I deal with that

Dr. Z :

You will have to distract yourself, go out and do not take your phone with you. Do something to keep your mind off this and do not go near her apartment at all to check on her

Customer:

Lisend honestly .. I want to re wire my brain and make this work, this is why im reaching out.
Im afraid I might lose her.

Dr. Z :

Remember you are trying to change.

Dr. Z :

Remember the books and worksheets I gave you, practice with those too to rewire your brian

Dr. Z :

*brain

Customer:


Im afraid if I dont take my phone and she txt or calls.. she will think im ignoring her.

Dr. Z :

No, this will mean you are out having fun too. It means you are not obsessing about her, it shows that you have a life outside of her. This will be good for you and her

Dr. Z :

It will also make her miss you more if you do not respond right away to her texts and calls.

Customer:

Interesting..

Customer:

I enroll in college today. talking about distraction

Customer:

she was suprised.. and she we always talked about it.. I think she thinks im doing it for her..

Dr. Z :

That will be a good distraction, but also go out with friends yourself or go to the gym and go on a good run

Dr. Z :

Go to college for yourself, show her that you want to do things for yourself too

Customer:

I do the Gym.. not too many friends here..
No wonder why she always asked me if im doing anything.. gym,..friends. etc

Customer:

in a way. tellling me.. "Dude your always want to be here"

Customer:

I feel like that now..

Dr. Z :

I know, if you go out, try to meet new friends (you will meet people in college too), and have fun without her, this will help you not think about her as much

Customer:

is there a ballpark time of turn around with this ? stupid question that I have to ask you.

Customer:

I guess for her to miss me? or to come back?

Dr. Z :

There is no timeline for this, it may be short or long with your girlfriend, but it will be up to her

Dr. Z :

This is why you will have to be patient and the waiting game will make you very anxious, but you have to do your best to not let it get to you

Customer:

crap.. that my main thing.

Customer:

Anxiaty

Dr. Z :

I know it is, this is why you will have to distract yourself.

Customer:

I been having stomach problems and siing (thats how yuo say it?) alot

Customer:

sighing?

Dr. Z :

The stomach pains are caused by anxiety and stress. Some good natural supplements to help with this are St. Johns Wort, Valerian Root, Glutamate, and Omega-3

Dr. Z :

Do not combine the St. Johns Wort and Valerian Root though

Customer:

I have the O3 and you say Glutamine? I have that too

Dr. Z :

St. Johns Wort is the best though

Dr. Z :

Very effective

Customer:

is that Alcohol? because I dont drink

Dr. Z :

No its a natural supplement, you will see it in the vitamin section at the store, they are tablets/pills

Customer:

I just google it :D

Customer:

Do you think I show signs of Weakness by telling her how I feel, and how sorry I was?
Do you think she might now take advantage of me?

Customer:

I mean aprofile on match.. and if she is, she is taking advantage already

Dr. Z :

No I do not think she will take advantage of you and I think it was good that you were honest with her.

Customer:

one more thing.. I told her to I will leave the match dot come thing and move forward with her help too..

Dr. Z :

If it is true about the match profile then yes, but this is where you have to trust her when she said it was not her.

Customer:

man the first time when I told you about the profile, I think your skill got goose bumps too huh lol

Dr. Z :

Haha

Customer:

right?

Customer:

I can really see. you are "intrigue" with my case? or interested in my case

Dr. Z :

Definitely interested in your case, but I also want things to work out well for both of you two :)

Customer:

Honestly Dr Z, grab your left hand with your left hand and shake them, thats me shaking your hand!

Customer:

lol Left with right

Dr. Z :

Haha, thanks I do appreciate it and I always happy to help you Gilbert :)

Customer:

thanks! Ill keep you post it and will follow you advise.

Customer:

and Ill get those supplements for my stomach

Dr. Z :

Good, I hope it works out well. It will take time and it will be nerve racking at times for you, but stick to the plan and use those books and techniques I showed you.

Dr. Z :

The St. Johns Wort is very good, it will help lower your anxiety

Customer:

God Bless you.
ttyl
Thanks Again

Dr. Z :

God bless you as well, good luck and definitely keep me updated :)

Customer:

thanks!

Dr. Z :

You are most welcome

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5199
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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