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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5778
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I spoke to you last night regarding moving in with my boyfriend

Resolved Question:

I spoke to you last night regarding moving in with my boyfriend of 2 plus years and my 13 yr old not wanting to. When I suggested to my son that it would be helpful to me to move in with him now, my son told me he would not go with me, that he would leave his current school during the school year and move with his dad. He absolutely does not want to live with my boyfriend again AT ALL. I don't want to lose my son or put any more strain on my relationship with him. I don't think moving in with my boyfriend it the right thing. I have not told my boyfriend any of this because I don't want it to be awkward between him and my son. What should I do now?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello again

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that your son reacted in this way because you are moving in with your boyfriend

Dr. Z :

I think it will be a problem to have your 13 year old son dictate what goes on in your life like this. It is not fair to you and gives your son a bad habit of being able to control your life in this manner.

Customer:

I don't want to lose my son, I already have a bad relationship with my older son for other reasons.

Customer:

but I know his father will fight me on it

Customer:

I don't want my son to be miserable for the next 9 months

Customer:

but I don't want to leave myself in a financial position that I cant get out of.

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry, I guess the only option with the least amount of risk is to not move in with your boyfriend because of this, but that may hurt your relationship with your boyfriend.

Customer:

exactly

Dr. Z :

I understand that, and your son does not understand that.

Customer:

so basically I need to decide who is more important and no doubt it is my son

Dr. Z :

Your son does not understand how finances work yet and that this will help you and him in the long run. Sometimes you have to do something now that may hurt your son, but will be better for him in the long run

Customer:

I don't want to risk losing him I am already having a hard time with my oldest not speaking to me

Customer:

I know you cannot TELL me what to do, but I wish you could

Dr. Z :

Then I am afraid you would have to risk the financial issues and not move in with your boyfriend, I am so sorry

Customer:

I am not one that can hide when I am stressed and that is not fair to anyone.

Dr. Z :

I do not want to tell you what to do, but your options are limited unfortunately

Customer:

UGH

Customer:

I must have done something really wrong to have to be dealing with this situation.

Dr. Z :

The other option you can do is try family therapy with your son to help resolves your differences over your boyfriend.

Dr. Z :

This may help him be more open to living with your boyfriend

Dr. Z :

You did not do anything wrong at all

Customer:

he has been seeing a counselor, but they haven't disclosed anything that was said.

Customer:

my son just says "i like him a little"

Customer:

I am sorry, I am just talking in circles now.

Dr. Z :

Its okay, I am here to help

Customer:

I think I just need to trust that my boyfriend will understand and hope it won't put a strain on anything

Dr. Z :

I hope it will not too. It is also possible that your ex could be putting thoughts in your son's head about your boyfriend and this may be causing these issues as well

Customer:

I don't think so, like I said when we lived with my boyfriend before, it was really stressful (we didn't really prepare enough) and my son remembers that.

Customer:

I need to do what is best for my son first and put my problems on hold no matter how bad they are

Customer:

I am so afraid of losing him

Dr. Z :

Then that is probably it. Family counseling may help him understand that things will not be like that again, and some ground rules can be established to help him better adjust. But that can happen down the road if you like

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry, I understand that you do not want to lose your son

Customer:

I am on 20 mg of Celexa for depression, I think I may call my Dr and ask him to up it.

Dr. Z :

Well you can go up to 40mg with the Celexa if you like. You can also try therapy too, that can be very helpful for you

Customer:

Thank you again for speaking with me. I was feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I love my children more than anything and I need to put them first.

Customer:

I have a call into 2 people already

Dr. Z :

Anytime, I am always here for you and happy to help. I understand how you are feeling and I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Customer:

Thank you

Dr. Z :

Would you like me to recommend some good therapy books for you?

Customer:

bye

Customer:

sure

Customer:

that would be helpful

Customer:

I feel like such an adolescent ... I should be able to handle my life at 44

Dr. Z :

Here you go, these books have a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) modality to them. CBT has a premise that your symptoms are caused by negative thoughts, so if we change your thought process to be more positive and objective as well, then your symptoms will lessen.

Dr. Z :

You are not an adolescent, it is just that your life is very stressful right now

Dr. Z :

We all need help sometimes in our life, but hopefully things will get better soon

Customer:

i used to be able to handle so many things at once. my friends and family were always asking how i did it

Dr. Z :

Sometimes that stress builds up and the mind can only take so much

Customer:

Thank you Dr. Z. I will read those books you suggested.

Customer:

I have to get back to work

Dr. Z :

Okay, best of luck to you and if you need anything else please feel free to contact me at anytime.

Customer:

I will.

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5778
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Dr. Z
Dr. Z
Mental Health Professional
5778 Satisfied Customers
Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.