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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I made some comments to a mutual friend of an ex friend 5 years

Resolved Question:

I made some comments to a mutual friend of an ex friend 5 years ago. This was in confidence and I asked her not to repeat it and thanked her for allowing me to vent. Well.. the friend told her and the ex friend and some of our mutual friends want nothing to do with me. I have tried to be nice but to no avail. This was about her son being ugly to my son in high school years ago. Why I said this I do not know, but it is done and I have to live with it. I feel like my reputation has been tarnished and I am very remorseful about tried to extend the olive branch. I have seen her and she tries to go the other way. The problem is I only said this to the one mutual friend and the ex friend has told it along with her children to others. I can feel the tension when I am with my son in group settings.I am not the person I was 5 years ago, but I have really been hard on myself for this. I am depressed over this and don't know how I can live with this. The hard part is my son and his family live near me now and he wonders why some people aren't friendly to him
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Customer:

ok Thanks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very sad and frustrating situation.

Customer:

It really does hurt me and I wish that I could erase it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What I see here is that you have been the first victim of this person's disrespectful and even abusive actions when telling other people what you vented years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily what happened cannot be changed, but only the very present and there is where you need to focus tight now.

Customer:

The bad part is she is guilt free and I am the bad person

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said that you are not aware of what led you to state those things about this other boy, but that you were venting trusting this person could support you that way, right?

Customer:

No one likes their reputation destroyed and I try hard to be a kind person and I have learned from this and pray about it but it is a dark feeling when I witness the friends and her siblings angry looks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

her behaviors shows she is immature and willing to take actions to hurt and abuse others, and this is unacceptable and should not be tolerated.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

have you confronted this person's behaviors?

Customer:

Yes but at the time I felt really strong about saying it because the son really was mean to mine and I was angry plus I was going through menopause

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I beleive the most important and proactive approach now is to directly address this issue with the person-s affected.

Customer:

I think I didn't care if the mother knew at the time. It probably went viral and the mother's husband was going through treatments for something and I didn't know it at the time

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then if you were not trying to manipulate nor hurt anybody, lying or distorting reality but venting your painful feelings from an abusive situation where your son was victimized, you should not feel bad at all, since you did not do anything wrong, They are the ones who should feel shame for this person's abusive behavior at that time.

Customer:

I wrote the mother and said nice things and wish things could be different, but she did not respond. She has plenty of friends and probably doesn't care what I think now.

Customer:

I told no one of my feelings except the mutual friend and this ex friend has spread it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, but again, you did not do anything worn, your son was a victim of her son's abuse at that time, and you just vented about it in privacy with a person you trusted. You did not do anything wrong here. But the person who betrayed your trust, and the current reaction of all these people involved is for sure abusive and unacceptable.

Customer:

This was between my family and the ex friends family regarding the sons, so other people think this is a nice family and like them. My big mouth got me into trouble and I am really sorry.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can imagine your frustration and conflict when facing this painful situation,but only you know how it feels, but I can tell you with certainty as an objective observer, that you have done nothing wrong here, that you should not feel ashamed on bad about what you did, since the ones who were wrong was this false friend and now the people having this mean attitude, since it shows they are unable and unwilling to acknowledge what was wrong at that time, but choose to have a similar abusive attitude towards you.

Customer:

Our mutual friends are just quiet and ignore me and it hurts. They aren't mean, but just don't want to be friendly to me or my son. I understand that because I vented and it was repeated. I understand that I am only human but I am hurting over this because I care hat people think of me and I have a good repuation with a lot of other people but I am from a small town

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please confront these self-destructive feelings , since they do not help you nor anybody in this situation,, but enable further abuse from this people.

Customer:

For all the mutual friends know.. they think I was rally rude and ugly to her through my words to the mutual friend who told

Customer:

How to i confront my feelings. This is my question to you. I am not innocent here

Customer:

I don't understand how they could respect the mutual friend for telling them what I said

Customer:

I am really nice to the mutual friend in hopes that she can feel guilty but I don't think she cares

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Those people who have taken this unkind attitude towards you are showing that they are not real and healthy friends, that they do nto deserve your trust. This situation also shows that you could have a codependent tendency that makes you more vulnerable to be affected by what people think, feel and talk about you, and that could never help but literally undermines your mental health and well-being. You need to address this problem in order not to suffer more from this situation nor from any other that could happen, since people do these things, and you could not be exposed to suffer over and over again because of how dysfunctional or abusive people could be in your life path. You need and deserve to respect and love yourself, to be resilient and not to allow these unhealthy behaviors to bother you , even less to hurt your stability and joy in life.

Customer:

It does hut and yes that describes me and it flows over to my family and therefore my daughter and son are very sensitive people

Customer:

I have a huge imagination and I can really self destruct in a short time and be down

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

By being this nice to this mutual "false and destructive" friend, you are codependently enabling her abusive behavior, putting yourself down and leading others to believe she is right when she is not You need to confront this person's abusive behavior, and clarify with only those friends that you think deserve your trust and respect, what happened here. If they are not able and willing to understand, then there is nothing else you could do about it, but to focus only on healthy friendships, and not tormenting yourself for what unhealthy people-friends could think or say about you, since that would lead you to self-sabotage, to an eternal emotional dependency on what people do , and that is never healthy nor worse, to you do not need nor deserve that for sure.

Customer:

I just felt the mutual friend safe upset for hurting the mother and I can't really blame them

Customer:

Oh so since I am nice and friendly to the mutual friend.. that may appear that she rightfully should have told the mother? I can't confront her because she will go on to tell that conversation to them too

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please look for professional individual psychotherapy to work on rehabilitating from codependency and work on improving your sense of self-worthiness, self-esteem, assertiveness and to develop necessary skills to effectively cope with this painful situation. Also seriously consider joining a support group for codependency, since that would complement individual therapy and promote your rehabilitation process. This is the link where you could find guidelines and contact information for local support groups: coda.org

Customer:

Thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see how anybody in shoes your shoes could effectively address this situation, but by being fully honest and direct about what happen, and for that you need to be assertive and proactive, respect yourself and not tolerate any form of disrespect or abuse from anybody. This is why individual psychotherapy and help from a support group appear as so necessary.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me back as necessary since I am willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take gentle care and consistent action with the right support.

Customer:

Ok thanks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks. Bye.

Customer:

Ok thanks

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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