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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4890
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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ive been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now and lately

Resolved Question:

ive been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now and lately ive been feeling weird. a week or teo ago we got in a few arguments over one thing and it made me really upset that i couldnt stop crying. then i had a dream that i broke up with him and i was happy. normally if i happen to have a dream and we break up i wake up crying and feeling heartbroken because thats how i felt in my dream, but this time i didnt. i knew something had changed. now i dont always want to kiss him and i just dont feel as close as i did before to him. how do i fix this and feel closer to him again because i dont want to lose him
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am sorry that you had this dream and that you are slightly stressed about it, I can tell that you care for your boyfriend very much

Dr. Z :

I would like to ask a few questions, so that I can gather more information to give you the best possible answer

Dr. Z :

May I ask, what kind of arguments were you two having? Like what the content of the arguments?

Dr. Z :

Also are having arguments unusual for both of you?

Customer:

he didn't want me to join a sorority. he just kept saying he doesn't want me to do it and he wishes he could have stopped it before it happened and he doesnt like the envirnment that i would be in. i told him to trust me that ill be fine and he cant control everything i do. and i guess it was more of a fight. it dragged on for a while and he couldnt let it go. and it made me really upset i couldnt stop crying about it. i told him that if hes not going to be supportive of me and what i do then i dont think we would last because he wouldnt be there for me and be by my side when i wanted him to. and i mean little ones but not big fights.

Dr. Z :

Well I think you are still upset about this fight that you had with him and that you did not feel that it got resolved appropriately. What did he say when you mentioned that you think you and him would not last?

Customer:

well he was upset and he said he would try to be happy for me. he asked me, rhetorically, if i had to choose him or the sorority which would i choose. we still argued a little after then all of a sudden he was like yeah i fine with it now and he actually was. but i just dont feel like i feel the same about him ever since then

Dr. Z :

I think you feel that he does not trust you and that what he did was a little controlling and you do not appreciate that. It was not said directly to him in a detailed manner and I think these feelings and thoughts are still lingering in you and bothering your because they were not resolved. When a spouse becomes very jealous, he/she can get very controlling and possessive and I think this is something in the back of your mind that you do not want to happen

Dr. Z :

One way you can help resolve this is by talking with him about these underlying feelings that you have that were not addressed. Arguments are natural in any relationship, but they should end in communication that will help the relationship progress and become stronger, but here it did not seem to do that. It seems like he just "gave in" without you addressing your most serious concerns about trust and jealousy.

Dr. Z :

Most likely you were not upset about this dream where you broke up with him was because you are still angry and hurt about his behavior. I think communicating this to him will help you move forward and "past this," as you said you wanted.

Customer:

im going to try to do that, were just both really busy so we havent had time time really talk about anything

Dr. Z :

Well some helpful tips when you do communicate with him is to use the pronouns "we" and "us" a lot, so that he does not feel that you are placing blame on him (this will make him defensive) and instead will promote that you are a team and that you both are working on this together to strengthen the relationship

Dr. Z :

I also have recommended this book to many patients of mine, it is very good at helping increase the effectiveness of communication in a relationship to help resolve conflicts and misunderstandings.

Customer:

im definitely going to get this. thank you so much. i think it will all work out once we have time to talk.

Dr. Z :

I think so too, I just think you have unresolved issues about trust and his jealousy that you did not feel got fully addressed and this is why you do not feel as close to him, but once you two have a calm and meaningful discussion about this, I think you two will be fine

Dr. Z :

Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Customer:

well one other thing that was bothering me is that for a while, before these arguments, is that im just not up to anything sexual anymore. like we used to have sex a lot but now i just am never in the mood and we only have it like once a month. i just cant figure out why

Dr. Z :

Have you been particularly stressed with anything before the arguments?

Customer:

no not really just school and working a lot, but it started over the summer and i wasnt in school or working

Dr. Z :

And what about outside the physical intimacy part, were you happy in the relationship when this started or just feeling like things may be complacent with your relationship?

Customer:

it just depends we are doing a lot and spending time together then im happy but im complacent when we dont really do anything. but i just feel bad because he is always good and doesnt mind not doing anything but i need things to be exciting and fun with relaxing every once in a while. hes alwayss ready to make out or anything like that and sometimes i dont even want to make out.

Dr. Z :

I think you are getting bored, which is natural in a relationship that has lasted this long. I think you would feel more excited and feel the passion again if you both started to explore new activities together (e.g. intramural sports, concerts of bands you both like, etc...). It also sounds like he does not take the initiative with activities sometimes, and I think you would feel more surprised, thus possibly more excited, if he suggested different activities that you enjoy or both of you enjoy, but do not normally do. This emotional boredom can translate into sexual boredom too and that is why you are not in the mood as often because for you sexual intercourse involves much more than just physical intimacy, it is a deep emotional connection as well.

Dr. Z :

Its almost like you both are starting to date again to reintroduce the passion back in the relationship because things have become more of a routine

Dr. Z :

So I would talk to him about trying new things that both of you would be interested to start doing together, to see if that instills some passion and fun back in your relationship, which should help you feel more inclined to be physically intimate with him.

Customer:

okay ill definitely try to have us work on this too. thank you.

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4890
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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