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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi, i have been wondering about this question for a very long

Customer Question

Hi, i have been wondering about this question for a very long time and cant make sense of a crimminal event involving my cousin, thats recently happened. There is a long back story so bear with me.

Basically, prior to this 'event', me and my cousin have been having troubles. She complained about how poorly she was treated in singapore by our uncle and asked if she could spend Christmas and New Years in aus with me and my family where we live. I said of course, wanting to help, even though it was an inconvenient time. I helped pay for some of her costs because she said she was struggling financially and i was excited to introduce her to everyone i knew. During the stay she started complaining to my friends about how i dont take her out enough and they jokingly told me i hav to take her out more. This made me angry and i told her one on one later that i wasnt ok with that. She pretended that she didnt know she was complaining and assured me she wasnt and that she was just not thinking when she said all that, so i dropped it.
She left for singapore shortly after and when she was back in singapore she suddenly told me she decided she wants to move to aus to study and wants to move asap (in 2weeks) and asks if she can stay with me and my mum. I was highly affronted and said I'll ask my mum and when i did mum said no way because its too last minute and we're so busy etc. from there on sparked a long war.
My cousin held a grudge against me because she believed i promised her she could stay if she ever wanted to move to aus and everyone was judging us for not opening our house to her. She was also angry that i wasnt encouraging enough about her sudden move. I was all for her having ambitions but i knew she was moving because she had a crush on one of my best mates who is like a bro to me but he alreay told me he saw her as just a friend. She complained about me to our other family and they didnt talk to me fwhen i visited. When i asked why, they mentioned something about her which i didnt really get either. I just caught her name in their ramble. When she moved to aus she moved to live with a friend of mine and complained to that friend that she was scared of me that i would give her problems if she came to a music fetival with us. This led to that friend yelling at me and telling me to 'stop giving her shit'. I was angry at that friend for yelling at me without asking me properly for my side and i also asked my cousin what was going on. She pretended she didnt say anything again, then later admitted she did say something but that friend took it the wrong way and misunderstood and its not her fault. Then she didnt do anything more on the matter sayin its not her problem or her fault. I told her i didnt trust her even though i wish i could.
I finally saw her face to face on a mutual friends birthday party and because she wasnt very comfortable there by herself i helped her find drinks and included her in group convos and games etc. i didnt trust her but i still love her as my cousin. Then i i suddenly fell really sick from my final drink (i was convinced to have one last drinking game before i left and that last one did it for me) i basically ran to the toilet to throw up and this guy followed me there and while i was throwing up he was putting his hands down my pants etc. he carried me out later because someone broke down the door in a drunken for and i threw up on the floor outside.. Next thing i know, both that guy and my cousin were waking me up and telling me i HAD to go. I was still sick so i ignored them and let him carry me out of the house. He puts me in a car and my cousin passed him my stuff and he drove off. I remember being carried to another place and i thought my cousin was still with us and i threw up on the floor again and passed out. Next morning i woke up and realised i had been raped by him and he kept telling me my cousin was awesome and really helpful and i didnt know how to respond. I kept quiet and just thought very hard trying to make sense of everything because it was all so bizarre and surreal. In the car when he was driving me home, i finally asked him the hard question and asked why he took my. Pants off and stuck it in when i was passed out. He looked angry and didnt answer then started retaliating saying its not like he forced me down etc. so i tried to calm him down and said im not accusing him but he has to understand that its not ok to take someone pants off when theyre sleeping. He finally conceded and said yeh i get what u mean. I made him stop the car a block away and ran home. Then i msgd my cousin asking her bout her side and she kept sayin she was just drunk. I found out she msgd my mum on my phone pretending to b me as well. Later the cops showed me her statement where she said i consented.

She never called, she still parties with my friends and i dont understand. Its all so unbelievable, im scared of her but everyone else says im crazy. Duno what to think/feel
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 9 months ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your problem.

It sounds like your cousin might be manipulating you and hurting you with her accusations and behavior. Anyone who manipulates usually has a personality disorder. If you are not familiar with personality disorders, personality disorders are typically ingrained behaviors that someone develops, usually in response to being raised in a dysfunctional home. The person could not get their needs met (for unconditional love and attention) so they developed other ways to get what they needed which usually involved dysfunctional behaviors. When they grew up, they continued these behaviors even when they were no longer needed.

Given your cousin's behavior- manipulation of you and your friends (telling them untrue things about you, etc), trying to take advantage of you and getting upset when you won't agree, and using the situation at the party as a way to hurt you (which it sounds like from what you described) are all ways that someone who has a personality disorder might act out. It is very possible that your cousin could also have traits of sociopathic personality disorder (or anti social), but without being able to see her that is hard to tell. It is worth considering, however.

Knowing what your cousin might have and how to react to her behavior can help. While there is no way to diagnose her without seeing her for an evaluation, the behavior you describe sounds like narcissistic or borderline type of personality disorder. Here is a link that can help you figure out what she might have:

http://www.nmha.org/go/information/get-info/personality-disorders

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/antisocial-personality-disorder-symptoms/

Many people can have some traits of one personality disorder or they can have some traits of a couple of personality disorders. By finding a personality disorder that seems to fit, you can at least know what you might be dealing with.

When dealing with someone with a personality disorder, it is helpful to keep in mind that they are not reacting to who you are as a person or even what you are doing. They are going by cues they learned long ago on how to relate to their world. And their responses can seem overwhelming and out of touch with the actual situation. They can also be very hurtful and hard to cope with.

Your cousin could certainly benefit from a mental health evaluation. But if your cousin won't get help or change in any way (common with someone with a personality disorder), you may have to change how you interact with her. One thing that helps is to see what she does as about her own issues and not you. Also, think of one phrase you can say to her that neutralizes anything she might say. such as "I'm sorry you feel that way". That usually shuts down the person and you can make a quick exit out of the situation.

Given your cousin's seeming ability to put you in danger (with what happened at the party) it might also be a good idea to try to stay away from her. That seems hard given that she manipulates your friends, but if you can find one friend that is on your side, you can ask them to advocate for you. The other friends will just have to believe what they will. They may eventually find from her behavior, which will most likely show itself eventually, that you were right in the first place. Rare is the person who has a personality disorder than can hide it for long.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 9 months ago.
I hope my answer was helpful to you. If you have any more questions, please let me know.

Kate











May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Hi, i do wonder if she has a personality disorder or is just evil or if im crazy paranoid.

The disorders listed usually involves the individual to be boastful (narcissistic) but she always puts herself down im front of people which was why me and so many always defend her and want to help her. It could b genuine or she could b manipulative in that regard im not sure. But she isn't emotionally unstable from what i know. Then again i havnt lived with her and dont know her very well since i moved away when i was younger. But from the 3 weeks she was with me she mainly complains in a very genuine pitiful way rather than a bitchy way. And always seems getin ingle clueless when confronted about the things i felt was offensive. While she dosnt apologise, her genuine cluelessness makes it hard for me to b angry wih her and i have to always drop it.

Is it possible for people to be like that? Is here an evil trait that can be detected or is it possible that she is just very unlucky and doesnt intend for anything bad to happen to me but it just keeps happenin regardless. Is here a chance that im just crazy paranoid?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 9 months ago.

I would be more than happy to continue working with you on any new questions you have. All I ask is that you remember to rate the answer I have already provided and for each new/different question you ask. Or you can start a new thread for the new question. Thanks!

 

Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 9 months ago.
Thank you!

There is very little chance that you are paranoid or crazy when it comes to your cousins behavior. For one, you would not be feeling as you do now about what she has done to you. There is a reason you are questioning her behavior. Most people who react in healthy ways are not people you feel manipulated by. People who are healthy are people you generally feel good being around and though you might have conflicts, you do not feel the need to defend yourself all the time.

In order to have a personality disorder, you do not need to meet all of the criteria. You might have some of the traits or you might even have a mixture of different personality disorders. It is not unusual for someone to have two or more personality disorder traits. People are complex and often do not fit in one specific category. So it is very possible for your cousin to show self depreciation and still have traits of a personality disorder.

They also tend to make you feel sorry for them or otherwise manipulate your feelings. Someone who genuinely is clueless is not going to make you feel sorry for them. You might feel they need some guidance, but you would not feel you cannot say what you need to say to them. And they will not set your friends against you or cause you the issues your cousin has caused in your life. There is a reason she makes you feel as you do.

Kate

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