How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Z Your Own Question

Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5420
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
74815544
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Dr. Z is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hey Dr Z its Gilbert, do you remember me? trust isues with

Resolved Question:

Hey Dr Z its Gilbert, do you remember me?
trust isues with my Girlfriend, she was moving..
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello, yes I believe I do remember you. This was the girl with the very strict family, is that right?

Customer:

Yes!

Dr. Z :

So what is going on?

Customer:

thanks for taking my request, I really apreaciate it..

Dr. Z :

Anytime, i am happy to help

Customer:

well a few things.. first I did saw my previous psycologist. she thinks

Customer:

i found a woman that Challenges me and a real woman. thats what my psic thinks..

Customer:

let me start bytelling you a few thing that happend a few days ago.. tuesday to be exact

Dr. Z :

Sure, take your time and tell me everything

Customer:

I went to pick something up at her place, bought her flowers just cuz... she had her hair done, wic is unusual for her, and she asked me like 4 times "are you living now" she told me this Girl Claudia did her hair, so I left then she send me a txt like she always does "are u home" so I say yes, later on I asked if her Dog was ok because has been sick, so she dint respond, so I told her Gnight and no response.

Dr. Z :

Did you ask her if she was going out?

Customer:

very unusual.. so later that Night I cruse by her place and her car is not there.. her lights are her place are on.. so I waited until 130 am ahd she pull in, got out of my car and asked her where was she.. she told me she went for drinks with claudia and I asked her why dint she tell me..

Customer:

she told me she though i was sleep..

Customer:

before i get to deep into this, Sunday we saw a comercial og match dot com and we talked about it because i used it before.. she told me her friends back home wanted her to make a profile, and I asked her why? and she told me her friends think its a good way of meeting peeps.. but he refused to and say thats not her style, and she does not need that..

Customer:

so happend when i was waiting I was thinking of this conversation on sunday, and I search M dot Com and found her profile...

Customer:

so when she told me she was with claudia, I asked her to call claudia (130am) she say no I asked her to show me a text she planned this with claudia she told me she talked on the phone with her and not txt when I aksed to see her phone and msg she told me NO.. she wanted to know why , so I told her, Your on match and she told me No im NOT

Customer:

I did confronted her with the Profile and she say she did not did that, those where her pictures but she did not make the profile, so I asked to see emails, wich she let me see, and i dint find anything from match. she claims someone made that profile as a emberasment and to hit her on her eggo because she will never do something like that

Customer:

this time, she did acussed me of crosing the line, that I did go to far, and that I was stalking her.. I say no, you did something behing my back , not telling me , you could just had made me aware you where going w claudia.

Customer:

I told her I had questions and was concern that is why I was there..

Customer:

things Got heated up ofcourse on her side, I was vcery calm and lisening..

Customer:

she told me "Obiously you dont trust me" I say prove me wrong, she say I dont need to I had in the past dont need to do it now.

Customer:

soap opera huh?

Customer:

:)\

Customer:

we had a trip plan to SD this weeked, had tickets and flights the whole works. so sunday she told me her frineds are going to SD to see the chargers vs cowboys.. and she told them she coudnt go.. but today!!! her brother calls her and tells her he is going to the game.. and taking the kids to the ZOO, we where going to the ZOO!! now were not going

Customer:

and things are cancell... due to her brother taking that kids to the zoo too.. she told me she does not want to risk or be watching her back all the time... as you know.. her family is very protective and will not aprove her flighing with some one NOR the lest be on a room togheter..

Customer:

long I knwo..

Dr. Z :

Well that is unfortunate that she cancelled the weekend with you for this reason. So there are some possibilities to what is going on and I am going to be objective here, so some things you may not like hearing. It is possible that she went out with her friend Claudia and just did not tell you, she does not have to tell you everything. Also her Match profile could have been made by one of her friends, that happens actually. But it is possible that she set the Match profile herself and used a different email and that she went out with a guy tonight too...both possibilities are probable.

Dr. Z :

Now what you did by staying in your car till 130AM to confront her about this does sound a bit on the obsessive and jealous boyfriend side. Even if she was cheating on you, it does not excuse this type of behavior. I know you are anxious about this, but the more you exhibit this level of jealousy and insecurity, the more you will push her away. You have to think that if she is cheating on you, and I am not saying that she is, it is her loss, not yours. You have to focus on your positive qualities that are desired by a lot of women

Dr. Z :

Your jealousy and fear of her cheating on you is starting to become an obsession at times and this will only push her away. You cannot control her and you must give her the freedom to make choices to strengthen the relationship or to weaken it. If she chooses to weaken the relationship, then she is not worth it at all. And you will always be wondering if she will eventually hurt you in the future and this is not good for you

Dr. Z :

I question the Match profile, I think that is a red flag in my book as Match is not a website to just meet friends, but a dating website

Customer:

she told me she was going to called and try to find out, but they codnt tell her any information since ":she did not made the profile" she claim people probably got those pictures from instagram

Customer:

and did it as a emberasment

Customer:

to her

Dr. Z :

Was the written profile information accurate at all?

Customer:

how can the relationship be strenghen with all this..

Customer:

some of the things yes.. specially the book that she just read, but she told me she told several people about it..

Dr. Z :

You have to give her the freedom to choose you if she wants to strengthen the relationship. If you keep trying to control her and accuse her of lying, it will just push her away from you unfortunately

Customer:

she told me some of the things there, her friends know about it..

Customer:

but how can I, with this RED flag??

Dr. Z :

Well like I said her friends could have made the profile for her or she could have and used a different email address which is possible.

Dr. Z :

You will have to trust her, if you think she is telling you the truth then you will have to trust her and have faith in what she says is true

Customer:

well... that is a hard thing to do with this.. now..

Dr. Z :

I think it is a red flag, but I also think your behavior is not great either. There are trust issues in the relationship and that will always set you up to fail

Customer:

very hard.

Dr. Z :

Then why dont you end the relationship if you do not trust her?

Customer:

I want to give her the bennefit of the doubd

Customer:

and I dont want to be in the "what it

Customer:

*What if"

Dr. Z :

But you dont really give her the benefit of the doubt if you are sitting outside her home at 130 AM

Dr. Z :

If you gave her the benefit of the doubt you would have asked her the next day "why didnt you answer my texts last night?"

Customer:

what can someone do when you find your girlfriend is on match, and you start putting things together?

Dr. Z :

Well you can believe what she says is true or you can think it is a lie and break the relationship off as you believe she has broken the trust in the relationship and not admitted it

Dr. Z :

But if you believe that it is true, you cannot bring it up again and you cannot question everything she does. You have to choose to trust her 100 percent of the time

Customer:

?

Customer:

what if this behaviour continuos

Customer:

she said she is willing to try more.. meet me more half ways.. telling me or keeping me in the look

Customer:

loop*

Dr. Z :

If it continues, and she keeps denying it then maybe you will have to trust your guy instinct and possibly break up with her. It sounds like her behavior has caused you a lot of anxiety

Dr. Z :

If she tries more, then that means you will have to start trusting her more

Customer:

One thing.. when she asked me if
I was home and say yes.. I asked her Yuo relaxing and she say yes finally.. butobiously she was not home them

Dr. Z :

But you did not ask if she was home, you asked if she was relaxing, you can relax and be with friends

Customer:

my stomach twist and hurt. I knwee something was up.. I went and sure enough look what I found.. all this things

Dr. Z :

Well you also thought something was wrong before and you only looked for negative things to support your earlier thought, of course you were going to find something. If you trusted her initially like you said, you would have said that it is good that she is relaxing and went to bed

Dr. Z :

But instead you drove by her place to confirm your suspicion that she was out, although you do not no where. And when you saw her you demanded to know where she was and to look at her phone. This shows that you do not trust her

Dr. Z :

If you do not trust the person you are with, the relationship may not succeed. Remember what I told you, your trust issues are you trying to push people away because you do not want to get hurt.

Customer:

Dr Z.. I found a match profile.. how can I trust that..?

Dr. Z :

I agree, I personally would not trust that. But like I said her story may be possible about the profile

Dr. Z :

It is up to you if you want to trust what she says or trust your instincts. If you are asking for my opinion, I would trust your instincts.

Customer:

man thats tuff

Customer:

I feel now that every time she tells me shes home, I have to go check,, you know.

Dr. Z :

I know it is. It will be a really tough decision for you, but the decision rests solely on you. I cannot make it for you and no one can either.

Dr. Z :

Only you can

Customer:

Im actually ok, not stress.. but Im having a hard time Asimilating a story like that about the profile

Dr. Z :

I understand, but that means you do not trust her. Can a relationship really survive if you do not trust her?

Customer:

like you say, I if try 100%

Customer:

but then how do i know shes not taking advantage of me ?

Dr. Z :

That is the difficult part with trust because that means you are open and vulnerable and she can take advantage of you

Dr. Z :

But if she cares for you like you hope she does, she will not take advantage of you

Dr. Z :

This is what is called the faith in love.

Customer:

how can I know a woman like this is taking advantage?

Customer:

or if she is on this situation?

Customer:

one thing she told me.. "if your here all the time, if we F#$% all the time, how is it possible that she is seing someone?"

Dr. Z :

Are you there all the time though?

Customer:

mmm not really.. maybe 3-7 days spend the night and go 4 days..make sense?

Customer:

3/7 ill spend the night..

Dr. Z :

I understand, are you two regular physically intimate?

Customer:

some days Ill stop by and had dinner then Ill come home, she goes to bed

Customer:

we havent in at least a month..

Dr. Z :

Is that unusual for you two?

Customer:

well when we stared we where doing it about 3 times in a month maybe..

Customer:

now is down to that

Dr. Z :

Well then this is not too unusual for what you both were regularly doing. Usually if a women stops being physically intimate or makes excuses to avoid sexual intercourse, then it is a sign that they are seeing someone else or possibly not romantically interested anymore.

Customer:

why do they show this behavior? sorry for the dumb questiion

Customer:

you just made my stomach twist with that answer above ..

Dr. Z :

Why do they stop being physically intimate? Well sex for most women is very intimate, emotional, and personal and they have to have those strong feelings for someone to be in the mood to have sex with that person

Dr. Z :

But I think because your high was 3 times a month, which is not high at all in the beginning stages of physical intimacy, this drop down recently in sexual intercourse is natural, so not having sex for a month is not unusual in this particular situation.

Dr. Z :

There is always a drop down in number of sexual intercourse moments as the relationship progresses

Customer:

I wish.. and will try to belived just because i want to give my self a chance.. but what does a woman Gain of this of having me around if shes is seing someone? if that is the case?

Dr. Z :

Well she could be to afraid to confront you, she feels guilty, she wants you as a "backup." These are all possible reasons to keep someone around if they are searching for other possible mates

Customer:

she did told me she woudnt had the face to look me in the eyes tho,, so I wonder how mutch of this she wants me to hear you know..

Customer:

one think she did and I did like that is that she undress infront of me or at least where I could see that night she arrived.. i dint see any marks of red skin you know...

Dr. Z :

Well that is good news for you, and I think she does like you still and is not looking for another guy, but she may have been complaining about your trust issues to her friends and this was her friends way of "helping her out"

Dr. Z :

I do think if you continue to do what you did that night, it will push her away farther and farther and she will break up with you.

Customer:

im sorry not following you here:

Dr. Z :

That anxiety you are feeling (e.g. stomach twisting in knots) is going to grow and grow and it will hurt the relationship

Customer:
11:34 PM


Well that is good news for you, and I think she does like you still and is not looking for another guy, but she may have been complaining about your trust issues to her friends and this was her friends way of "helping her out"


Customer:

the stomach pain is it stress or anxity??

Customer:

it burns man sometimes

Dr. Z :

I think she still has a lot of feelings for you and wants the relationship to work with you, but I think she feels your mistrust of her is hurting the relationship. She may have told her friends, and this is why her friends put out that Match profile in her name. That is possible. Also she may not tell you where she is going all the time because she wants that freedom and does not want to feel the need to check in with you

Dr. Z :

Stress and anxiety are causing those feelings inside you

Customer:

I think both are problems are, she had bad pass experience with possesive man, and My self with being trated like poop and step on, cheated on..

Dr. Z :

Exactly and you think she is going to cheat on you eventually like your last girlfriend and she feels you are being possessive of her because of your fears.

Customer:

you know Ill take you advice, I you have set it a few times.. that I might push her away.. your the expert what do you think of this? I know I cant asked you what to do, but theres a big red flag here.

Dr. Z :

I think the profile was a good thing to confront her on, but then you have to explain why you were searching on Match for this (because you did not trust her) and also the way you did it was not the best because you could have waited until you saw her again, but your anxiety wanted to get an answer right away. I think you both should have an open conversation about this, but if you want it to work you are going to have to trust her and believe what she says is true

Dr. Z :

You cannot always get reassurance 100 percent of the time, you will have to look on the inside and say "no she is a great girl that cares about me. She will not do anything to hurt me."

Customer:

that is exacly what she told me..

Customer:

you have to belive what i say

Dr. Z :

And if you want the relationship to succeed you will have to believe what she says.

Customer:

My mind just trigger me to make a fake profile and message her.. see if she repplys

Customer:

that will be a good way to know the true.. besides I know what her type of man

Dr. Z :

I would not do that at all

Dr. Z :

That just reinforces your mistrust of her

Customer:

im just being honest whats on my mind

Dr. Z :

I know you are being honest and I am giving you advice that it is not recommended to do that

Customer:

why tho

Customer:

?

Customer:

I will find out once and for all rather then living on a lie..

Dr. Z :

How do you know she is the one responding?

Dr. Z :

What if it is one of her friends?

Customer:

the way she responses to the questions will tell me

Customer:

if its her or not

Dr. Z :

This just proves that you do not trust her and if she passes this test, there will be something else that you feel is not right about how she behaves. You have to either decide to 100 percent trust her or not.

Customer:

true..

Dr. Z :

But the decision is up to you, I think if you do this it will just reinforce this trust issue and it will never go away. Sure you may be momentarily relieved, but it will not last

Customer:

ok.. well this was a long soap opera huh//

Customer:

but thanks for lisening and being here this late..

Dr. Z :

It doesnt have to be a soap opera though, i think if you start trusting her more and giving her freedom she will become closer to you because then she will feel that you respect and trust her

Dr. Z :

I understand it is late, is there anything else I can assist you with?

Customer:

I think Im ok.. I been actually calm except that night..

Customer:

thanks again and will keep you post it.. you say many important things, I will actually read the chat again..

Dr. Z :

No problem, just remember to work things out objectively. I think your concerns are legitimate, but your mistrust issues that she has problems with are also valid and think if you both talk it out, you both can possibly help strengthen the relationship through communication.

Dr. Z :

Definitely keep me posted on how everything goes and I wish you and her the best of luck :)

Customer:

thanks man!

Customer:

Gnight

Dr. Z :

You are most welcome :)

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5420
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 4 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education