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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi, i have been married for the last 13 years through a church

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Hi, i have been married for the last 13 years through a church wedding. 4 years into our marriage, my husband did stuff that really hurt me very much, i forgave, but never forgot and life moved on. 2 years later, he hurt me again in the same way as he did previously and this made me decide to move on emotionally....... i decided to live life a day at a time..... i do not love him anymore, i have not been intimate with him for the last 5 years (i made that choice and i told him not to bother trying), we take care of 7 great kids and the best thing is that they do not know about our differences, actually all our friends look upon us as the happy couple with a happy marriage. we never quarrel at all, we live like roommates sharing the same bed with no strings attached..... we are just that....... we both have our responsibilities of taking care of the family, bills, chores etc. (we both have good paying jobs) I have savings that i keep every month, he has access to all my mail, he has details of my bank, he knows how much i earn, how much i make etc..... i hide nothing from him..... unfortunately, he is the opposite of all that, i know nothing about his bank etc...... all i know is the name of his bank and that is all. Several times, i have requested him to think about our future savings for the children and start putting money aside, but it did not happen.......my husband prefers to carry large sums of money on his person, in his wallet and he loves to shop, shop and shop for groceries and other stuff that i really find unnecessary..... he buys food and fills the shelves and fridge to an extent that things just go bad.... we have no problems with money because he lives his life for now without thinking or planning for the future so now, i feel really bad and i feel like i want to leave him and move on with my life together with the children..... would he blame me if i did that? would society judge me wrong especially bearing in mind that everyone including friends and family regard us as the best married couple? kindly advise
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 9 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming reality you have been living for so long.

Customer:

hi

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hi, thank you for joining the chat

Customer:

thank you for taking your time to respond to me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome

Customer:

not sure why my query has come out as a mental health query? is that okay? are you okay answering a marriage querry?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is a very sad story since it seems you have actually sacrificed yourself and life for your children whole denying your right and need to rebuild your life, and create a truly loving, reciprocal,healthy an fulfilling relationship with a life partner that deserves you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is a relationship and life issue situation, affecting your mental health and well being

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I want to tell you that society, people, anybody could and will continue to judge you no matter what you do, because they have the freedom and control of what they think, feel, say and do, but they do nto have the right nor the power to impact your life if you do take good care of yourself.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Living your life trying to please these people, would not help you nor your children but only perpetuate a mental and emotional slavery, a dependency on them, and this is something you do not need nor deserve at all. Much of it is related to what we know as codependency, which is a distorted way to share in relationships, always leading to what is unhealthy and destructive.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Reality shows that even when parents believe they are protecting and supporting their children emotionally and psychologically, if they are unhappy themselves, they would transfer these feelings and pain to their children, and they would literally shape from their hears to their minds and personalities, thus their lives as adults too, many times presenting the very same patterns their parents modeled when they were little.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You truly love your children, no doubt about it, but you also need to love and respect, support and take good care of yourself, since it is from there that you would be able to take truly good care of your children.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

It makes a lot of sense, though am not sure what the impact would be on the children.... the children are a mix of young adults and teens

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your children, the way they think, value things, life, the way they develop relationships, their sense of self-worthiness, coping and communication skills, personalities and everything else, depends on their genetic predispositions-configuration, and mostly on every single subtle and concrete experience they have from the very moment they are alive within your womb. The physical disconnection does not mean you are separated, since you continue to deeply impact and shape them in multiple ways from infancy into their early adulthood.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For example a female child whose parents stayed together like this, could easily present similar issues finding and attaching to a partner who could use, abuse, neglect and manipulate her in different ways and she could end "adjusting or sacrifying" herself and happiness because of fears around her own children and how others would judge her.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is just an example of how children do learn and are deeply impacted and influenced, shaped in multiple ways by their parents parenting style, the quality of their parent-child and family relationship, and by their parent's marital life. This is why I use to say that for a person to be a fully full parent, he /she has also to be a good spouse or partner. If parents are not together, depending on how respectfully, XXXXX XXXXX assertively they develop their relationship, it would also impact their children.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Is it clearer now?

Customer:

yes it is.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

A person's support system is one of the most important dimensions of her/his life, it is mainly conformed by family and close friends, and they are the ones who are supposed to play an active role helping us grow, develop, cope and heal too, since life presents many and tough challenges and problems. If we build our lives presenting to others -including to our support system- the appearance of happiness and fulfillment, while in fact we feel devastated, alone and unfulfilled, we literally alienate ourselves, pushing away the very people that are supposed to be there to help us with out lives, then we self-sabotage and there is not much they could do about our real situation, since we have been denying, avoiding, repressing hiding it from them.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This could never help as heal, grow and get stronger and more resilient, but only deepens our sadness, frustration and pain, and regardless of how much we try to offer the best we can to our children, it would always be shadowed or undermined by what really happens in our lives, within ourselves and in our marriages.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need and deserve to be and feel happy, healthy and fulfilled, to truly enjoy life as a whole human being without denying yourself your right for happiness.Life teaches you the painful way, please be always open to change for better, to reassess your own beliefs and values, your ways and worldviews, since reality s the ultimate master and shows you through direct experience, through consequences what is really healthy and wise, and what is destructive and dysfunctional.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I hope this helps you reflect on your situation and choose what you truly want and need to do to take better care of yourself and children.

Customer:

yes and thank you very much, that makes a lot of sense and will help me make the best decision for myself and the children

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome, thank you for your trust

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please consider individual counseling or psychotherapy as the ideal source of professional support to effectively cope with life issues this tough.

Customer:

I will, and once more thank your for your time and for your great sentiments

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Please feel free to contact me as needed since I am here willing to support you. Thanks.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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