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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5089
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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My boyfriend is always accusing me of looking at other men

Resolved Question:

My boyfriend is always accusing me of looking at other men when I am not. He also seems to think that men are always checking me out. He gets angry with me when I tell him that I don't think someone is checking me out. He says that I am "unaware" of things that are going on around me and that's a problem. He thinks that I need to take a look at myself and see if maybe I am doing something that I am unaware of to get men to flirt with me. He accuses me of being a "different person" when I am not around him, and it is possible that I am leading men on. I can honestly say that I never check out another man, or flirted with one with or without my boyfriend. I didn't do it while I was single, and I haven't started. I am naturally shy by nature, so I actually try everything not to draw attention to myself. When we are in church he accuses me of staring in a "trance" at the man playing guitar! He says the usher purposely stands in the back of the church just to look at my butt. He tells me that I should be "careful" because people who are nice have other motives, and no one is just that nice. I happen to be a person who is nice, respectful, and polite to people....and he thinks there is something wrong with that. I have asked him if he is insecure, and he denies it. I have asked him if he is guilty of something and placing the blame on me, and he denies that as well. However, I have recently discovered that he had this issue with a past girlfriend. I found out that he is emailing/texting other women!!! His defense is he does this out of fear, not lust, as if that is supposed to make it right. He says he fears that he is not good enough for me, or he thinks I am out there being untruthful, so that is why he reaches out to women that he has been with in the past. He says he loves me, and I love him, I am just not sure if this is something I can deal with or he needs clinical help. He says he has been diagnosed with ADHD. Is this kind of behavior typical? Is it worth trying to stick around and be supportive or help someone like this? Please help!
Submitted: 12 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 12 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that your boyfriend has been exhibition this level of jealousy, I can see how this can distress you.

Dr. Z :

I would like to ask a few questions to get some more information and be able to provide you with the best answer

Dr. Z :

Does he every over-exaggerate his own achievements?

Dr. Z :

Does his level of jealously get to the point where you feel he is controlling you?

Dr. Z :

Also does he feel that he is better than other people at all?

Customer: Thanks dr. z,
Dr. Z :

Anytime, I am always happy to help

Customer: the answer to all of your questions is no.
Dr. Z :

Okay that definitely narrows it down then, which is a good news because if you answered yes to any of those questions then he might have had a serious personality disorder which is very hard to treat in most individuals. I think he has very low self-esteem, usually associated with mild-moderate depression and this is what causes his jealousy issues.

Dr. Z :

His behavior of not accepting responsibility of what he says is also a symptom of this.

Dr. Z :

This is definitely not associated specifically with ADHD, but him having ADHD may make him more self-conscious and this leads to low self-esteem, which causes his behavior.

Dr. Z :

A good treatment for this would be something called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT has a premise that his symptoms are caused by negative thoughts, so if we change his thought process to be more positive and objective as well, then his symptoms will lessen.

Dr. Z :

The treatment outcome for his is usually very good, so that is something to be positive about

Dr. Z :

Him emailing/texting other women is a questionable behavior though where he is trying to gain self-esteem and confidence by being validated by other women

Customer:

I guess it is hard for me to believe he has low self esteem, he is such a handsome guy and a part of me thinks he knows this and is using this to his advantage with women.

Customer:

How do you suggest I get him to agree to see someone and have this therapy ? Especially, since he doesn't think he has a problem.

Dr. Z :

Yeah that is true, but may be he thinks there are other parts of him that are not appealing to women and this causes his low self-esteem because that would explain his jealousy issues which seems very severe and problematic for your relationship. I think the best way to approach therapy with him would be to suggest couples therapy and use the words "we" and "us" a lot when you are suggesting couples therapy, so that he does not feel that he is the problem in his relationship. This will help reinforce the idea that you are a team and working together in this relationship and that you want to do therapy to grow closer together

Dr. Z :

I can recommend some good couple therapists in your area if you like

Customer:

Thank you so much! I am in The Woodlands, Texas. I would really appreciate the recommendations of therapists.

Dr. Z :

Sure give me a few minutes to compile a good list for you

Customer:

Okay, sure.

Dr. Z :

Okay I think these therapists would be ideal for both of you. The specialize with relationship issues and self-esteem issues and can provide couplescounseling. I also selected two that were male therapists because I have found that some males in the relationship are more open to therapy if their therapist is male

Dr. Z :

Also I would like to recommend this book as well, I have used it with patients and I feel it is one of the best out there for couples

Customer:

Thank you so much! I am trying to copy and paste all of this before we end our session.

Dr. Z :

Well actually a link of this chat should be sent to your email so you can always have it available, also this chat will be saved on your JA account under My questions for you to come back to it if you need to

Customer:

okay, thanks!

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5089
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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