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Ask Dr. Z Your Own Question

Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4294
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Dr Z, I did not think I would be back ..but shes doing

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Dr Z, I did not think I would be back ..but shes doing stuff again ,,Wednesday nite, my pastor ,I asked him if he heard any more about the BB gun issue ,,he said its a non issue its going away like it never existed, along with the order ,,I told him I was told him her plan was to take all the way, he said it is not ,,its going away as if it never existed, I said what ,,its ,,he said its not going to the end, but then he said just think you don't have to be her whipping boy, someone else can,( he has a good poker face and a big mustash, but his eyes are his say a lot, ) but he did not say or lead or lead or mention divorce, I told him I know her she would see someone and once or twice and they never return, it came up I know her and now I know what I know I can live with her, and he said are you sure and I said yes, I am, and he turned to start our meeting, am I missing somthing ???
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 9 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello again

Dr. Z :

Sorry for the delay, I had to do a couple evaluations this morning

Customer:

thats ok ..what can you make out of this I think my pastor is speaking with out words

Dr. Z :

Well I do not know your pastor very well, except that he is a very caring individual, but it seems like he is pretty tired of your wife's behavior and wants to protect you. It seems like in this case he may have been encouraging you to get a divorce for your sake because of her behavior. Do you think your wife is seeing someone else by how your pastor was acting?

Customer:

no I do not she has a habit of chasing men after one or two dates ,,I know because I have seen it ,,when we were seeing others in our hiking group , I would hear we went out ,or dinner and thank you by, and she would tell me they left saying lets just stay friends ,,,,and I remember her saying she will not remarry ,so I don't think so ,

Dr. Z :

Okay, then what exactly were you concerned about with your pastor's body language and eyes?

Customer:

is because the order im being told that they are not just being dropped ,,but as if they never happened, like before when she wanted me back before ,,for it would not follow her and I around of her being a nurse ,,

Dr. Z :

So isnt this good news for you? The order and the BB gun issue are going to go away like it never happened, these seem like positive things for you. It seems like your pastor knows this and may be getting a sense that she wants to get back together with you, but is wondering if that would be good for you or not because of her behavior and mood swings.

Customer:

his eyes had corner twinkle, and he and I had our arms folded, thats ok, and hid face does show happy ,and sad, but I think he wanted me to know let her be someone's problem, and I told him once a normal guy sees her ,,he usually stays away, and I learned to adapt, and work for it, and I ma wondering if it was a quiz from her to see if I am still interested in getting back together, because she knows this on my record would end my carrier and our chances, and to totaly drop this gives her no leverage in a divorce,

Dr. Z :

I understand, it is possibly he was quizzing you to see how dedicated you are to her and see how much she means to you, which is a lot. You sounded like you are still dedicated to your wife and getting back together, so your resolve has not changed despite everything that has happened.

Dr. Z :

Did your pastor explain how he knew that the order and BB gun issue were going to go away like they never happened?

Customer:

ya ,, that is about it, because after bb gun thing and her going too far ,,and realizing all she has done am i still ,,I am still interested in her and one guy said HECK YA,, and with complete withdrawal and as if it never was, there is something more ,do you think she got wind Im selling my place and once done I can go away, like you said shes afraid shes going to loose me,

Dr. Z :

She does not seem very passive aggressive, so I think if she got wind that you were selling your house, I think she would have confronted you directly or through your lawyer, so I do not believe that she knows. But I do think that she has a feeling of being abandoned and feeling alone and this is scaring her very much. She is afraid that she will lose you forever and that makes her sad and angry (with herself), which will lead her to seek to you out for reconciliation eventually because those two feelings are just getting stronger and hurting her inside.

Customer:

ok so you think she does not or maybe guessing, and thats all ,I have herd from friends that shes trying to help but people see her frustration and sort of keep a not to close distance, but the total not just dismissal of it but as if it never happen ,,, i'm confused because she is giving up leverage or she is trying for her friendly divorce with privileges,like I live near by because I my personal items and stuff ,,

Dr. Z :

I do not believe that she knows, but she may be guessing or speculating. If she is giving up leverage there are multiple reasons, like she could be trying to lower your guard down because she is manipulating you, or that she is so flustered in her mind with all of these negative emotions that she is not thinking rationally. I am sorry that her friends are keeping their distance from her, but like I said her behavior was going to get worse and she was going to isolate herself, and so far I was right.

Customer:

court is next monday and the pastor says it will not get there, and another thing our church has a very large counseling staff LMFT staff of people ,and for 3 weeks they know, I have been asking for a visit, and nothing a friend said two weeks ago,they do not want to start me in counseling not knowing which way I/we may go together or divorce, is this is this possable

Dr. Z :

I thought court was on the 30th? Next Monday is the 23rd. Well usually trained psychology staff like you described should be able to see you even if the divorce is not a sure thing to help you process this anyway. Therapy would benefit you no matter if you divorce or get back together with your wife, so I see no logical reason why they would deny you for this reason, but I guess this is their rules. But yo are in the military, and they usually have really good counseling services, have you thought about going in that direction?

Customer:

yes court is the 30 th but ,,,how and when ,,it goes away p

Customer:

the

Customer:

the pastor says it going away before and you can relax as if its gone away, but until its in print i'm being care full, and way, not a trust issue on her but in calif you got to have it in print

Dr. Z :

That is wise of you to wait until its official and on paper, but I would be encouraged by the words of your pastor because he is someone that you trust very much

Dr. Z :

Remember until you see it on print though, just keep doing what you have been doing. Do no change you game plan because it has been working well for you

Customer:

,, so if shes dropping this for real , is she really coming undone even though she may put up a good front , how serious is she about not wanting to loose me in a divorce, knowing I may consider it another death, I've told her that before when wanted a next door type separation so she could have her place like before ,and but with me there too, like what

Dr. Z :

Well a next door type of separation may be an option, but I think that will just delay her issues more and you will just be back in this same situation, but talk to your lawyer about it and see if it is an option at this point. I think she is coming undone and this is going to be too much for her and that will lead her to seek reconciliation with you, but it will take some time.

Customer:

ok do you think knowing she goes divorce ,i am probably going to say buy ,and seek something else like working with the church ,to keep me around, you see she has a 5 bedroom house , and me being down the hall would give her a sense ,of safety and time to rebuild,

Dr. Z :

Well that would be very nice of you and it would give both of you time to rebuild, but I think she would just be using you as a safety net and she would not be committed to you if you lived down the hall. I think right now I would not go that route and wait until the 30th to talk to your lawyer about this.

Dr. Z :

Are you afraid now that reconciliation may not be likely with your wife and is that why you are thinking about these back up plans?

Dr. Z :

Are you still there?

Customer:

ok no I want to be with my wife ,(,I was on the phone with a church friend making sure I was going to help with a service tomorrow ) I desire reconciliation, and be with her and as if it never happen , so do you think her making the order go away, is her realizing ,,its time to come home or stop .but I'm worried moving back in not fear, just her neatness,but then she can over look a lot or just not sweat the small stuff until then

Dr. Z :

No worries, I just kept seeing the typing icon for the last 20 minutes and I was not sure if it was a bug with the chat. I hope everything is good for the service tomorrow. I think her dropping the order will lead her to reconciliation, but it may take her some time to get there (I believe I said 1-2 months most likely). But with order gone she will probably start to try to make contact with you and you both may make small talk at first and then that talk will get deeper in time and you both will have meaningful discussions on getting back together and what needs to change for the relationship to work

Customer:

do you think she will still go with a divorce of have our pastor help to where we can avoid this .and have a break like healing time to talk date etc with out using the courts???/ or what or am I just an idea

Dr. Z :

I do not think she will go through with the divorce, but I think she will want to talk with you and see if things can be reconciled with you. It will take some time for her to seek this, but when she does it may move fairly quickly with her. And she may want to use your pastor as an intermediary to help this process of getting back together with you.

Customer:

ok so you feel it may not be as bad a it seems, i hope this is her plan , do you think shes serious,

Dr. Z :

I think she is confused about many things regarding you and the marriage but I think once the order is lifted she will start to make conversations with you and that will lead to reconciliation, but you have to be patient and understanding with her like the books and websites I provided for you advise.

Customer:

ok thats a big can do, I have patience ,,I don't think shes fooling me do you

Dr. Z :

I do not think she is fooling you or trying to manipulate you, but in case she is this is why you are taking it slow and not making and rash decisions.

Customer:

ok great the thing shes not suppose to go through the pastor ,,but he's more personal, but it her and him ,,i'm not initiating it, so I'm hoping this is ok ,,so for now i have to go thank you. lets pray she settles down, and this goes away early ,,I would be ok with that ,,,hooah !! pt

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4294
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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