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Hello I believe I can help you with your concern
I am so sorry to here about your relationship issues with your partner, I can imagine how his attitudes to your separation have caused you distress.
It appears because he was frequently dishonest, prideful, failed to take responsibility for his actions, blamed you possibly for his actions, and exhibited anger towards you it may appear that he did not respect you enough in the relationship to be a good partner.
In fact some of these traits that you mentioned do resemble Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I am not saying that he has the disorder, but he definitely exhibits some traits of this disorder. Here is a good link that described NPD in more detail for you
Please take a look at the link and see if you notice any other possible traits that best describe your partner.
You mentioned that you would want a "magic recipe" to help fix your relationship with your partner, have you considered asking if he would be willing to try couples therapy?
Also it seems like you have been the understanding one in the relationship, but he has been pretty selfish and unwilling to change by his continued behavior. Why do you think he would be willing to change to put you and your children first?
Anytime, I am always happy to provide you with the best information possible. What did you think about some of the traits listed on that link?
Okay that is good, I just wanted to make sure for you.
Alright, so tell me about the relationship. You mentioned that you were tired of his dishonesty, how was he dishonest exactly?
Wow, so it sounds like he definitely is not the most trustworthy with his lies and lies when it benefits him most of the time. This is not a good quality and actually poses the question if you really knew him at all because of all the lies he told?
I am so sorry, I cannot even imagine how that made you feel at the time.
So was he just saying these things about his ex to make you feel bad?
Or make you feel less than you actually are?
Interesting, he definitely has self-esteem issues and this causes him to lie and to build others up to make himself feel worthy. He may have thought that he didn't need to do anything in the relationship because you were happy, but also this may have made him not feel needed like he was used to and this may have caused his self-confidence to go down further, which is why he kept on exhibiting this type of narcissistic behavior as a way to overcompensate for his lack of self-confidence.
Has he every tried to go to therapy to help process his low-self-esteem and gain confidence? I think if he did this, he would not feel compelled to lie anymore and hide the fact of who he actually is.
He would be more transparent, open, and honest with himself which will be better for the relationship as well.
He may have felt intimidated because you are independent, which is a great quality, but not something he was used to.
Every guy says they are attracted to that, but they are also intimidated by that too. But with his inherent low self-esteem your independence impacted him more.
I am sorry that is definitely not fair to you
I am so sorry, I cannot even imagine how that made you feel at the time. So I have to ask, at the end of your question you asked if there was a magic recipe to save your relationship, why do you want to save it with someone who treats you this way?
Well look at his history of lying. It is possible that he lied or that he does not quite understand what love is. It is easy to say the words, but his actions have not been consistent with someone who loves you. I think before you can think about being in a relationship with him again, he should work on himself and seek therapy for his issues, or he will never be the right guy that you deserve. If he does that, then it can show that he is at least making an effort to be better for you
I actually do not. I hear great things and I have been meaning to watch it, but have not had a chance. Sorry :( But I love Bryan Cranston
Well you love him and care for him a great deal, but you also deserve someone that respects you and is an equal partner in the relationship too.
I think what it says about you is that you love him and want to make it work, but he also has to make efforts too and I think therapy is a good choice to see what it would take for him and you to make this relationship work.
Well an objective therapist will point out that no one partner in a relationship can do it all, but instead it is a team effort where both of you work together to make it work.
Well be honest with him and tell him that therapy can help fix the relationship, but it will take a lot of effort on both your parts because going to couples therapy is just the first step. I dont think he wants reassurance, but when someone who has low self-esteem they see the world in a negative view and this is what he is doing when you thought he was seeking reassurance. He is just thinking about the worst case scenarios
So low self-confidence is a form of depression and here is a good diagram on how these depressive thoughts cause him to only focus on negative things.
And it will take time for him to finally be vulnerable with you and that means no lies by him because that just puts up walls around who he truly is. Therapy will be long trying to help him with that, but it is very possible to achieve.
With therapy it is possible, but it will be a long process in therapy for it to go away and for him to manage his behavior better.
I think he lashes out at you, but does not necessarily dislike you.
Sorry, I want to tell you the truth about his behavior and the future of therapy with him. Therapy is hard work and he will definitely need to make the effort to fix himself and the relationship. Most likely you will need to go once a week and then after awhile of beneficial progress you can go once every other week and then once a month after that. After awhile you both may feel that your relationship and communication is great and that you do not need therapy anymore.
I want to be honest with you on therapy and what it will take because I want you to make the most informed decision if this is something you and him decide to undertake.
Then he will be making a big mistake because he did not appreciate your value and worth, one that he will regret for a long time.
No do not do that. Remember he was the one making the mistakes and not treating you the way you deserved.
He might, but hopefully he will come around and realize that therapy can save the relationship and himself too
Well when you approach him with therapy do not tell him it is to fix him, but use pronouns like "us" and "we" this will foster that it meant to help both of you equally and that you both are a team through this.
Well I am just happy to help you through this. I wish you the best of luck with everything and I hope it works out well with your partner. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.
I am glad that I could help you tonight :)
Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much