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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4432
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Oh dear ! I am the partner, the She in this case. Thing is,

Resolved Question:

Oh dear ! I am the partner, the She in this case.
Thing is, after 9 years of lies, a 3years old and a 5 months old, I called it quite.
I was 6 months pregnant when I suspected another lie was coming my way, and told him, I will not take it anymore. If you do this, I leave.
He did. I left.
This was January 2013.
He would say he wants us to be together. I say it is best to be apart.
Apart means I won't be treated with disrespect anymore, if he lies again, it won't have the same impact. I won't be emotionally, mentally ( and almost physically ) abused anymore.
I am so hurt with his quick acceptance to the separation. He is looking into moving forward with fresh wind in his wings.
I am with the kids, having to face to the consequences of his lying. My 3 years old always asking about him slaughters my heart every day. But I guess it was my decision after all. I could have stayed with him, and let him go on.
He had developed all symptoms a dishonest person has : anger, pride and victimization.
I have no tools to take him out of his circle, and I love him so much.
I do what is best for my own sanity but not what I really want deep in my heart.
His walls of denial are so thick and his cowardness so strong.
I would love a magic recipe to save our relationship.
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 10 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry to here about your relationship issues with your partner, I can imagine how his attitudes to your separation have caused you distress.

Dr. Z :

It appears because he was frequently dishonest, prideful, failed to take responsibility for his actions, blamed you possibly for his actions, and exhibited anger towards you it may appear that he did not respect you enough in the relationship to be a good partner.

Dr. Z :

In fact some of these traits that you mentioned do resemble Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I am not saying that he has the disorder, but he definitely exhibits some traits of this disorder. Here is a good link that described NPD in more detail for you

Dr. Z :

Please take a look at the link and see if you notice any other possible traits that best describe your partner.

Dr. Z :

You mentioned that you would want a "magic recipe" to help fix your relationship with your partner, have you considered asking if he would be willing to try couples therapy?

Dr. Z :

Also it seems like you have been the understanding one in the relationship, but he has been pretty selfish and unwilling to change by his continued behavior. Why do you think he would be willing to change to put you and your children first?

Customer: Thanks for this link dr Z
Dr. Z :

Anytime, I am always happy to provide you with the best information possible. What did you think about some of the traits listed on that link?

Customer: i have a friend that fits perfectly well in this npd. My now ex is somewhat narcissistic I will say. But does not belong to the NPD group.
Dr. Z :

Okay that is good, I just wanted to make sure for you.

Customer: He is and narcissistic and has sometimes low self esteem. But the low self estime does not come from comparing himself with others, it comes from his childhood ( alcohol mom and absent father ( he was not important enough for his father to stick around type of thing )
Dr. Z :

Alright, so tell me about the relationship. You mentioned that you were tired of his dishonesty, how was he dishonest exactly?

Customer: Oh dear...
Customer: We met and for 1 year he had hidden that he had a 3 years old son
Customer: He told me, while drunk and crying, out of the blue
Customer: I felt for him. Oh my god, I said, how you must have tortured yourself for so long
Customer: Then it was all lies about where he moved to ( it was a placed he rented when still in a relationship with the mother of his son) telling me friends were subletting to him
Customer: I moved in with him, he said, I am not sure it is a good idea as girls want to be with me for my money ( although I always paid for dinners and cabs, I always was quick to draw my wallet out)
Customer: He then told me he actually got married with his sons mother but now was divorced. 4 years later I learnt that they still were married, and were starting divorce process
Customer: There were tons of tiny details lies around
Dr. Z :

Wow, so it sounds like he definitely is not the most trustworthy with his lies and lies when it benefits him most of the time. This is not a good quality and actually poses the question if you really knew him at all because of all the lies he told?

Customer: In the first 3 months I first moved in with him he could not stop talking about how great his ex was ( to the point where he said himself: I am sorry I realize I talk about her a lot/ and me thinking, why did you ever leave her if she is )
Dr. Z :

I am so sorry, I cannot even imagine how that made you feel at the time.

Customer: You know she makes £100 000 a year
Customer: whichyear which was untrue as she worked 3 years in hotel or shop in 15 years he had known her
Dr. Z :

So was he just saying these things about his ex to make you feel bad?

Dr. Z :

Or make you feel less than you actually are?

Customer: He has this thing where if his ex is good then he is good ( that what's narcissistic about him
Customer: There is this very common thing in Europe where girls from the third world come and grab guy
Customer: They got together in some kind of set up and before meeting her ( she is from brazil)
Customer: He d been told he would have to marry her so she can get a visa
Customer: Then 4 years went by he left her but 4 months after desperation she told him she was 4 months pregnant and could not abort
Customer: To sum up he doesn't like the fact that he had been done
Customer: So to look less like a sucker ( pardon my French)
Customer: he had to make her look worthy of something
Customer: on top of that, since we met I always use to say
Customer: i am the most happiest girl in the world ( he wasn't used to this, he only knew needy and complaining people )
Customer: i guess he thought , great ! I don't have to do anything.
Dr. Z :

Interesting, he definitely has self-esteem issues and this causes him to lie and to build others up to make himself feel worthy. He may have thought that he didn't need to do anything in the relationship because you were happy, but also this may have made him not feel needed like he was used to and this may have caused his self-confidence to go down further, which is why he kept on exhibiting this type of narcissistic behavior as a way to overcompensate for his lack of self-confidence.

Dr. Z :

Has he every tried to go to therapy to help process his low-self-esteem and gain confidence? I think if he did this, he would not feel compelled to lie anymore and hide the fact of who he actually is.

Dr. Z :

He would be more transparent, open, and honest with himself which will be better for the relationship as well.

Customer: i kind of understand that, I never asked for anything, therefore he would not do anything
Dr. Z :

He may have felt intimidated because you are independent, which is a great quality, but not something he was used to.

Customer: Well, he was totally attracted to that
Customer: But then despised me for not changing his ways
Dr. Z :

Every guy says they are attracted to that, but they are also intimidated by that too. But with his inherent low self-esteem your independence impacted him more.

Customer: He then found rescue in his past ( I was very friendly with his ex for his son's sake)
Customer: He ended up putting her as a priority
Customer: Anecdote :
Dr. Z :

I am sorry that is definitely not fair to you

Customer: my very first birthday living together, 3 months after I moved in
Customer: heInge says : I can never forget your birthday as it is the same month as my son
Customer: and same day as my sister
Customer: But yet, he did not celebrate it for me
Customer: when we went to his son s party, he rushed to his ex to let her know he did not do anything for my birthday
Customer: That kind of set up the tone for our future...
Dr. Z :

I am so sorry, I cannot even imagine how that made you feel at the time. So I have to ask, at the end of your question you asked if there was a magic recipe to save your relationship, why do you want to save it with someone who treats you this way?

Customer: Because I want to believe him when he says he loves me, he wants to be together
Customer: Can one say one loves someone and that being a lie ?
Dr. Z :

Well look at his history of lying. It is possible that he lied or that he does not quite understand what love is. It is easy to say the words, but his actions have not been consistent with someone who loves you. I think before you can think about being in a relationship with him again, he should work on himself and seek therapy for his issues, or he will never be the right guy that you deserve. If he does that, then it can show that he is at least making an effort to be better for you

Customer: Do you watch breaking bad?
Customer: How do you feel about Walt?
Dr. Z :

I actually do not. I hear great things and I have been meaning to watch it, but have not had a chance. Sorry :( But I love Bryan Cranston

Customer: I have to admit, after all his horrible doing, he still pulls strings in my heart
Dr. Z :

Well you love him and care for him a great deal, but you also deserve someone that respects you and is an equal partner in the relationship too.

Customer: i am being narcissistic with this separation
Customer: i feel, what does it says of me if I stay with him after the last mess up he did
Customer: If really he wants to be together we can go to tgerapy
Customer: buttherapy but it makes me look like he can do it all
Customer: because I am not going anywhere
Dr. Z :

I think what it says about you is that you love him and want to make it work, but he also has to make efforts too and I think therapy is a good choice to see what it would take for him and you to make this relationship work.

Dr. Z :

Well an objective therapist will point out that no one partner in a relationship can do it all, but instead it is a team effort where both of you work together to make it work.

Customer: we have to go to therapy anyway to better communication
Customer: when I mentioned it this morning he said :
Customer: for separation right ?
Customer: i felt he neede me to reassure him we were really separating
Customer: i was sick all day after tgat
Dr. Z :

Well be honest with him and tell him that therapy can help fix the relationship, but it will take a lot of effort on both your parts because going to couples therapy is just the first step. I dont think he wants reassurance, but when someone who has low self-esteem they see the world in a negative view and this is what he is doing when you thought he was seeking reassurance. He is just thinking about the worst case scenarios

Customer: True...
Dr. Z :

So low self-confidence is a form of depression and here is a good diagram on how these depressive thoughts cause him to only focus on negative things.

Customer: it took 3hoirs conversation for him to let go of the defense and allow to say what he really feels
Customer: which was be together
Dr. Z :

And it will take time for him to finally be vulnerable with you and that means no lies by him because that just puts up walls around who he truly is. Therapy will be long trying to help him with that, but it is very possible to achieve.

Customer: All the negative he has put on me ( due to his self mirror reaction) and the new bad habits ( violence and aggression and laziness )
Customer: will that go away too ?
Customer: by negative I meant him disliking me
Dr. Z :

With therapy it is possible, but it will be a long process in therapy for it to go away and for him to manage his behavior better.

Dr. Z :

I think he lashes out at you, but does not necessarily dislike you.

Customer: Oh dear, you are not reassuring... He is going to the west coast in 3 months
Customer: domonths do we have to go 2ce a week ?
Dr. Z :

Sorry, I want to tell you the truth about his behavior and the future of therapy with him. Therapy is hard work and he will definitely need to make the effort to fix himself and the relationship. Most likely you will need to go once a week and then after awhile of beneficial progress you can go once every other week and then once a month after that. After awhile you both may feel that your relationship and communication is great and that you do not need therapy anymore.

Dr. Z :

I want to be honest with you on therapy and what it will take because I want you to make the most informed decision if this is something you and him decide to undertake.

Customer: Funny, you know what goes through my mind now
Customer: what if he says
Customer: nope! I accepted the separation, I am fine thank you very much
Dr. Z :

Then he will be making a big mistake because he did not appreciate your value and worth, one that he will regret for a long time.

Customer: I would kill myself ...
Dr. Z :

No do not do that. Remember he was the one making the mistakes and not treating you the way you deserved.

Customer: i am sure he'd rather avoid trying to get back together because he is so scared of what he is going to learn about himself
Dr. Z :

He might, but hopefully he will come around and realize that therapy can save the relationship and himself too

Customer: thehimself the denial is one hell of a strong opponent !
Customer: i thought by not judging him he would come around and I actually feared taking him to therapy and see him crumble under what he had done ( and that was 4 years ago !)
Dr. Z :

Well when you approach him with therapy do not tell him it is to fix him, but use pronouns like "us" and "we" this will foster that it meant to help both of you equally and that you both are a team through this.

Customer: Thanks a lot dr Z
Customer: i realize it has been a long session!
Customer: Good night...
Dr. Z :

Well I am just happy to help you through this. I wish you the best of luck with everything and I hope it works out well with your partner. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.

Customer: Really appreciated !!
Dr. Z :

I am glad that I could help you tonight :)

Dr. Z :

Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4432
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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