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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5990
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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HI - my name is Aram im going thru difficult time with my

Resolved Question:

HI - my name is Aram
i'm going thru difficult time with my partner whom with we lived 4 years and she started some romantic relationships with a younger boy (even younger that herself)
i am 46 shes 30,.. she decided to live separately from me to clear up the mess in her mind...but when i discovered that relationship (and i knew that she had these meetings with him every 3 weeks or a month) but she always told me that it pure frindship just to changemind a bit.... then after i saw quite a romantic e mails and messages she has told me that yes, they did arrive to more serious stage like kissing each other (and i can understad new flavor from a young man) but she also said she regretted that and dont want to continue anymore...
now i felt so downhearted since we love each other and stil she cares for me very tenderly....but i'm just thinking is there a way to restore...i feel so damaged,,,cant work properly...cant manage my daily routine...
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello I believe i can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that you are going through this period of separation with your partner, I can imagine the distress this has caused you.

Dr. Z :

But the good news is that she regrets her decision to separate from you and be with this other younger man, and it seems like she wants to restore her relationship with you

Customer:

yes and shes now really seems to me very dedicated, like it was before

Dr. Z :

It is definitely possible to restore your relationship, but it will take time and I suggest seeing a coupes therapist in your area to discuss the reasons why she decided to separate and what made her feel compelled to start this relationship with a younger guy.

Customer:

the problem is

Dr. Z :

Couples therapy can help enhance your communication to prevent this from happening again

Customer:

i dont have now enough trust on her...simply i do want to belive her but cannot reach it

Customer:

thanks Dr Z

Dr. Z :

Well it will take time to build that trust and she will have to be more transparent to allow you start to trust her again. Couple therapy can help with this and set guidelines for how she should be more transparent with her thoughts, feelings, and activities

Dr. Z :

This will help you start to trust her again. Most likely she felt unhappy in the relationship and this is what led her to seek another younger man, and therapy can help determine what this reason was, so as to correct it and prevent it from happening in the future.

Customer:

she highlighted many times about her unmet needs with me

Dr. Z :

The problem was that she did not communicate what she was unhappy about, so you had no way of knowing, which means you had no chance to help remedy the problem. This is called poor communication

Dr. Z :

And how did you respond?

Customer:

over these years and i was working on it

Customer:

maybe not enough attention

Customer:

because we moved just recently to Oz and new life new everything and stress put her in a easy way of solving problem

Customer:

but we had and still have strong spiritual

Customer:

connection - we can hnestly speak

Dr. Z :

So maybe that you realize these unmet needs, you can work on them harder and show her that you are making an effort which will bring her closer to you and you to her

Customer:

with each other

Dr. Z :

That is great that you have that strong spiritual connection, that will help you both as you rebuild that trust.

Customer:

what i simply

Customer:

afraid

Customer:

she is now blaming her to see that i lost 13 kilos in 1 month

Customer:

and i am afraid that i will now crash the castle...the castle we have had during these years and i never never thought that can go thru this again....this happened with me with my previous marriage

Customer:

i know we cant solve it now - a good frind advised me to live each day now since we both agree to stay together

Customer:

and respect each other and try to restore ... ourselves

Customer:

she is hard working and her work load

Customer:

doesnt leave too much time for the personal life... and nevertheless she has found some time for a younger sweet boy

Customer:

(((

Dr. Z :

Well then I think a decision will have to be made that she should devote more personal time to you if she wants to successfully restore this relationship and rebuild that castle that you both built together.

Dr. Z :

She will have to make some sacrifices for the sake of the relationship and if the relationship is important to her then she must be willing to do so.

Dr. Z :

Also you will have to make some sacrifices as well to meet her needs, because you are both a team in this. While it was her mistake that led to this separation, you are both involved and it will take both of you to make the relationship stronger than what it was before.

Dr. Z :

It will take time and I agree with your friend to focus on the present, but you both should have a plan for the future and what you both must do to move forward. A couples therapist will help you with this.

Customer:

yes - i already suggested her

Customer:

to go for therapy - she siad lets see for some time how we go - then will decide

Customer:

shes visiting psycologist last months...

Customer:

and looks that specialist encouraged her to go for new relationships...

Customer:

but its my guess only ..

Dr. Z :

Well if you feel that her therapist suggested her to seek new relationships, then you may not feel comfortable going to couples therapy with that therapist and you may want another one.

Customer:

and its not maybe important now .... - she will see him next time early ocober - i am sure she will update on her decisions

Customer:

she asked me recently to sit and agreed upon few things

Customer:

1 i dont want to leave you

Customer:

2 if relationships must be a secret we wont be in that

Customer:

3 need some time to bring my mind to right order and decide ab family and children that we were dreaming long time

Dr. Z :

And did agreeing to those three things make you feel?

Dr. Z :

*And HOW did agreeing to those three things make you feel?

Customer:

i feel that i believe her ...moreover i can see it also

Customer:

it was 10 dyas ago...

Customer:

she said she called that youg boy and informed that she cannot and doesnt want to continue

Customer:

that i proposed her and she accepted

Customer:

so the main problem is me now to try to belive truly...like was before..

Dr. Z :

Well it is still very early and it will take time for trust to build (usually months), so both of you need to take baby steps in the restoring the relationship and not to rush or push this

Dr. Z :

You are going to be more hesitant because of the trust, so definitely go slow and at a pace you are comfortable with

Customer:

ok i hope i can do this - then will see

Customer:

its not the end of the world

Dr. Z :

I believe you can. It will not be easy, but anything worthwhile in this world does not come easy

Customer:

anyway to do something is better than just destoying

Dr. Z :

I agree, that is a good positive attitude

Customer:

in a second and say it was the only solution

Customer:

thanks Dr. Z

Customer:

all the best to you!

Dr. Z :

Anytime, i am always happy to help. I wish you and your partner the best of luck with everything and I hope you two truly restore your relationship. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.


 

Customer:

ok

Dr. Z :

I think you both truly love and care for each other and I believe you both will make this relationship work and rebuild your castle stronger then it was before, so that this does not happen again

Customer:

i have this feeling too by the way...even at the very suffering point so will work and see

Dr. Z :

Good, it will work out. Just be open with her and she be open with you. This will help you both communicate better and will bring you closer than ever before. This will also help rebuild the trust too. Just be patient and take baby steps.

Dr. Z :

If you need anything else or any advice in the future please feel free to contact me at anytime.

Dr. Z :

Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5990
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Dr. Z
Dr. Z
Psychologist
5381 Satisfied Customers
Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.