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Ask Dr. Z Your Own Question

Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4422
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Im in a long distance relationship For the past three years

Resolved Question:

I'm in a long distance relationship For the past three years now And I really love my girlfriend But it feels like we are just going nowhere And now the girl of my dreams has opened up to me And wants to start a relationship with me i don't know what to do
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 10 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I understand that this is definitely a tough choice for you, and I can understand your hesitation

Dr. Z :

I would like to ask a few questions to get some more information, so I can give you the best answer possible.

Dr. Z :

With your girlfriend, you mentioned that you feel you are going nowhere, why is this? Also why are you currently in a long distance relationship and is there any hope in the near future that you two will be physically living closer together to bridge the distance gap?

Dr. Z :

Also this girl of your dreams that you mentioned, are you in love with her? How long have you known her? And why has she opened up recently about wanting to be in a relationship with you?

Customer: Well she lives in Chicago and I live in Houston She wants to pursue her dreams to one day work as a politician And there really isn't much of opportunity for that down here As for myself Ivory started my career working in the oil industry I just don't think that it's going to work out because eventually issues alright is about how she had to leave home to come be with me down here because she doesn't have a job right now up north
Customer: And the girl of my dreams has been in my life since I was eight years old We dated for a little while when we were teenagers But broke up and have just remain to be the best of friends And now she has broken up with her boyfriend And wants to see if now since we are older if we can give it another try
Dr. Z :

Well it seems like for your girlfriend and yourself to have a successful relationship, someone will have to make a sacrifice and it seems logically it would be her, but she does not seem willing to do that. But right now there is a girl that you have known for such a long time and have remained great friends for a long time as well, who is willing to start a relationship with you to see because she sees potential in a future with you

Dr. Z :

I think because you feel that the relationship with your girlfriend has stagnated and a long distance relationship is tough for any couple, it would be worth exploring a relationship with this other girl that you have had strong feelings for, even while dating your girlfriend. It seems like dating the girl of your dreams can be considered a riskier decision because you do not know what the future holds for you two. But because you have such strong feelings for her, I think it would be worth taking a chance on it or you may have feelings of regret and wondering "what could have been."

Dr. Z :

Also though, you can try to talk to your girlfriend and explain to her that you feel that you two have been drifting apart and not connecting and try to come up with ways to fix that since you do love her as you stated. If she is not willing to move down to Houston with you to help maintain the relationship or at least improve the relationship, then I think breaking up with her would be wise since you no longer feel that connection with her and you can try dating this other girl that you have strong feelings for.

Dr. Z :

Unfortunately sometimes relationships stop working, even if you are in love, because the timing is not right, the distance, and other practical matters and that appears to be the case here. Also I believe that even while dating your girlfriend for the last three years, you still call this other girl the "girl of your dreams" which signifies that you have harbored strong feelings for her even though you have stated that you are in love with your girlfriend. So it is possible that you have been holding out for this "girl of your dreams" and now that time has come, but you may be feeling somewhat guilty because you do not want to hurt your current girlfriend

Customer: And that's just it I don't want to hurt her I want her to be happy and successful and to live her life to the fullest. She has said that she would just find some kind of job down here but I know that that wouldn't make her happy even though she says all she needs to be happy is me. I know from other people's mistakes that it takes more than just being with a certain someone to be happy she would always hold it against me even if she never really did.
Customer: This is the hardest decision of my life so far me and her went to war together and these last years have been the best of my life but I just don't want her to make such a sacrifice for us to one day not work out because she isn't living her dream
Dr. Z :

You are very caring and want her to be happy with her life as well and you do not want to hold her back, that is very selfless of you. But may I ask, would you be happy with her if she moved down to Houston with you or would you be happier with this other "girl of your dreams?"

Dr. Z :

And for this question, try not to think logically about it, but think with your heart.

Dr. Z :

I also think that if your girlfriend does move down to Houston to be with you, this will cause you guilt and you will always wonder if she is actually happy or resentful of you, which can cause you anxiety or possible depressive symptoms as well.

Dr. Z :

In my opinion, I think you have stronger feelings and more positive hope for the "girl of your dreams" then you do your girlfriend. But I think you should talk to you girlfriend about this "slump" you two are in first because you have said that the last three years of your life have been wonderful with her and it is possible you two can regain that passion again without her sacrificing her happiness

Dr. Z :

If you feel that her sacrifice would be too much and that she will not be happy moving down to Houston with her, then ending the relationship may be the best option. She will be hurt initially, but if you are right then in the long run she will realize this is for the best, XXXXX XXXXX to her about this and why you feel this would be best to help her understand.

Customer: I do feel that I will always wonder if she's happy and if I did the right thing by not pursuing my dream girl. Me and her have always just been perfect for each other. We have done some many things together and we love alot of the same things. And with my now girlfriend it's almost completely different. Her and I have almost nothing in common and yet I'm still so in to her. I feel like I've lost a lot of the passion and love that I had for her because of this long distance. We see each other once a month and soon that's going to change because I will be living offshore for work for months at a time.
Customer: I believe that me and my girlfriend have a had a strong and passionate relationship and maybe still can have one but I just don't want to risk ruining her dreams just so we can be together and hopefully stay together.
Customer: She's way up there and my dream girl is here
Customer: I also think that my feelings for my girlfriend are fleeting because of this long distance and also because of my dream girl being available and wanting me too.
Dr. Z :

I think you nailed it with what you said. I believe you have stronger feelings for your "dream girl" then you do for your girlfriend, so even is she does move down to Houston, you may feel forced to continue the relationship because she made this sacrifice and then both of you will not be happy. I think that the right decision would be to end your relationship with your girlfriend, so that she can continue her dream in Chicago and you can explore the potential of a relationship with your "dream girl"

Dr. Z :

I know that this will be hard for you because you do not want to hurt your girlfriend, but I think it is the right decision because if she moves down to Houston and then you realize that you still do not have the passion for her even though there is no long distance between you and end the relationship later, you will feel more guilty because she made this big sacrifice for you and the relationship still did not work out.

Dr. Z :

This way if you end the relationship now, it will still be hard for her, but not as hard. And she can continue with her dream. Eventually she will get over the break up and realize that the decision was the right one for her happiness and for yours.

Customer: This is the hardest thing I've ever done
Dr. Z :

I know it is, but sometimes the right decision is also the hardest. One reason why this is a hard decision for you is because you know in your heart what I am saying is right, but that does no make it any less harder and you do not want to hurt anyone.

Customer: And I know I still love her
Dr. Z :

I know you do and you obviously do care about her too. You want to see her happy and you do not think she will be happy with you in Houston. Also if you feel that you may not be happy with her because the passion is dwindling and you do not feel as strongly for your girlfriend as you once did.

Customer: Thanks for your help I know what I have to do
Dr. Z :

Anytime, is there anything else I can do for you today?

Dr. Z :

Well I want to wish you the best of luck with everything. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.

Dr. Z :

Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4422
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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