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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5057
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Dr Z,, well I did not think I would be back so soon ,but well

Customer Question

Dr Z,, well I did not think I would be back so soon ,but well here goes I found a note from Friday ,telling our pastor that the lawyer are to costly, and for us we can use him as a go between, ??? also on the same letter, telling him she needs the rest of my stuff out asap, and his attitude lets see what the law says, and wait,, he refuses to be pushed around by by her !!! so we will wait ,,she does not run him or me, plus i still can not come in and the law says so and I have no problem dragging her lawyer in to this again, because every time she screws up it costs her, even the agreement to guarantee I take all my items, and nothing is hidden, now our church friends see her in church on sunday night, ..and want to sit with her ,,support her, and pray she chases them all away, and sits alone , and some times just gets up and leaves her girl friends like asking why,,are you leaving and she ignores them .. got any clues ???
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Dr. Z. :

Hello again,

Dr. Z. :

Well I definitely think it is good that your pastor will not be pushed around, that can help him maintain his objectivity

Dr. Z. :

Her pushing her girlfriends and church friends away from her definitely shows increased irritability and possibly depression as well, which are all signs of BPD.

Dr. Z. :

I think she is continuing to come to the realization that she is alone and blames everyone else for her feelings because she is unable to understand that this is her own undoing.

Dr. Z. :

Oh I wanted to ask if you saw those links I gave you last night? Not sure if I gave you any of them before, but they can be very helpful

Customer:

I think so ,,one of our real great friends wants to go and talk some sense into her I begged him not to for this would make it worse, so he will not ,,and I'm sorry I was too blurry eyed to go any more but I will soon, I will do it a little later ,, I need a bit of rest a church and lod Air Force buddy ,from viet nam got hit buy a car while on a bike ride ,,I went to pay my respects, to his wife, and got a funny movie for later, ,,,but how or what can we do or just let her bottom out, ???

Dr. Z. :

I am sorry to hear about your friend, but that is nice of you to pay your respects. No worries about the links, you can totally check them out at a later time. I think you are definitely right not to have your friend go over there and talk to her because that will just cause her to resist. I think you definitely have to be patient and let her bottom out from this because that will be the only way for her to concede and admit that she still cares for you and that she does not want to lose you. Right now she is going through the anger and blame everyone stage, which will isolate her. Then she will start to feel very lonely and miss you, which will then compel her to seek reconciliation with you.

Customer:

It seems this id going in a good way, almost at a slightly pace with the case hearing on the 30th sept, like she's panicking like a trapped person in a fire trying to find a way out, do you think she will flip out in court still trying to convince I'm evil, or remain calm knowing the judge will throw her out and ect,????

Dr. Z. :

You are right this is going in the pace that we discussed, because she is panicking about being alone. It is difficult to say if she would "flip out" in court because you did mention that she can sometimes can keep her composure in front of others and hide her BPD. But she is acting more impuslive, so the likelihood of her flipping out in court is high, so I would not put it past her. You just have to remain calm because when she does flipout it will be her own undoing in court and will show you in a much more favorable light.

Customer:

so is this going faster than we expected ,, you see I have a feeling her lawyer is going to drop her as soon as this is over ,,you see I found out once the case is closed he's done,, but in the same letter to our pastor she wants to not use the lawyer ,but as little as possible , because of there cost, so I have a funny feeling divorce may be out the door, one she has to retain a new one, big cost, and then the court costs, and then settling,so I think divorce is going to cost to much, and weaker her resolve , I have decided I'm not going to let her walk all over me ,actually if I cave in i'm lost , I thought of just saying i'm done and i'm moving away anyway. but then I might shoot my self in the foot ,,so I will not be stupid,

Dr. Z. :

Yeah I agree, do not tell her that you are done and just leave, especially since it would be a bluff and you do want to be with her. I think if you are patient and continue with what you have doing, her resolve will weaken and she will come back to you. You are right that this is going faster than we both thought, and I think if her lawyer does drop her as a client it will push her towards reconciliation more. All you have to do now is just wait and be patient for her to come to you.

Customer:

because he sees her as a troublemaker ,,not a lot just when she has a REAL stupid attack,( army talk) which is not often usually she will mess up a little and I can fix it even with our friends, so I see did not expect me to put up and fight ,sort of ,,but now its two weeks out and she really wants my stuff out ,and I can not be there but she agreed that insure I get all my items ,, but other than control why is she being so defiant. when its in writing, or should I call my lawyer when it's time, and let her eat it. because her helper is a very nice young person but vertically challenged (short) and I have things put up high and I will work it from there. or do you think It will go that far ??

Dr. Z. :

I think you should keep things legally stable, so calling your lawyer is not a bad idea, because this way she will know that she cannot bully you for control. Your lawyer can draft a compromise that would be satisfactory to you and your wife regarding all your things that are still at the house.

Customer:

ok, so for now my quest why does not want me to see in the house ,,or control and she's ripping all kinds of stuff up in anger and I'm the only one that can say shes gone over the edge, wood carpet etc. wondering what she hiding ???

Dr. Z. :

I wonder what she is hiding as well, but you will have to be patient and when she does come back to you then you can explore that together on what she did to the house. For right now, just mention to your lawyer what she is requesting and take it from there.

Customer:

ok one thing here in california is marriage /reconciliation, separation 2 types, live together love each other, live together, just separate money's, and you are still married, (,like a prenuptial ),,or pre divorce ,, and divorce, so this is her our options, so only three options,what do you think

Dr. Z. :

I think for you the complete reconciliation with you two living together and the separation, but both seeing a couple counselor and working on your marriage, are two good options for you. I do not think the separate money, but still married will work well in this case

Customer:

you see separation itself is sort of pre divorce ,,the money one is she is afraid I will spend her her money,,I do not need to spend her money ,,even though she has extra money aside ,,she does not know I know of, so what do I do I hold it secret unless it gets messy, ???

Dr. Z. :

Separation can be considered a pre-divorce, but if couples counseling is outlined in the separation agreement, then usually it is not considered a pre-divorce, but more separation in hopes of reconciliation. I think you can hold it secret about the extra money, but you do not seem like the guy that is vindictive and wants to hurt her.

Customer:

no not really, you know you see the Bible says that he will punish those who hurt widow's and orphan's , and a pastor told me once because a asked how God saw me .like a title of who I am ,,he looked in all kinds of translations in many languages ,and he said ..besides alone ,,God see's me as an orphan /widow, ,kind of odd, but I'm ok, I don't live there, but it tells me He/God has a little more caring and patience for me ,,I'm as healed as I am for to day, and tomorrow will better. so I think I'm ok, but you tell me thanks ???

Dr. Z. :

I think God is with you, so you are not alone through this and hopefully your wife will reach out to Him and help her realize that you are good for each other and you are her rock as she is healing. I agree that tomorrow will be better, that is a good attitude, just take it one day at a time and be patient.

Customer:

ok Doc for now I have to rest ..for this week, so thank you, XXXXX XXXXX a tip will have to catch up to you, ,,I sorry, , its tight right now, thank you DOC,,, Hooah !!

Dr. Z. :

No worries, I am just happy to help you. No tip is necessary. Best of luck to you and I hope your week goes by smoothly :)

Customer:

Thank and Roger That God Bless.. pt

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5057
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Dr Z I just unpacked and stored my things, and she went overboard getting rid of my items, most of it labeled and either wrapped up, or protected, I know she had help, but it seems so hard, and is she loosing control. of me or am I fooling my self ,, I did she get help do disconnect her self or she is still so attached she had to have help, ???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
If she went overboard with packing your items and having them removed from the house like you described, then most likely she is being obsessive/compulsive and controlling, which is are symptoms of anxiety. The anxiety of her losing you and her being alone is causing these obsessive and compulsive symptoms, because this is her way of trying to gain back some sense of control. Obsessive and compulsive symptoms are a maladaptive coping mechanism to help individuals with anxiety and fears control some aspect of their life, to help lessen their anxiety, but it usually does not work and only lasts for a short term. I think it is more likely that she is so attached or there was so much stuff that she needed the help.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

so I might see her at church tonight because it like mant group therapies, i'm going to angermanagenent, but you think she is more attached than she realizes,and what next will she try to remove or erase me or realize she what will crash and just say uncle ??

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
You probably will see her in church tonight I believe. I definitely feel that she is attached greatly to you and her fear of being alone is causing a lot of stress and anxiety for her. I think she may try to erase you from her mind, but it will be too great for her and this will cause her to miss you more and create more anxiety for her. The more stress for her will cause her to fall apart, unfortunately, and this will cause her to not want to be alone and try to go to you for help. Just try to be patient and be supportive of her when she does come back to you because she will be in bad shape because of all the stress that she has self-endured.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

So I have her family pictures for her, and now its under two weeks, but in a way she goes to such a length to show she is sending me away but shes really confused or is she she knows what she wants but can not say what???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
I think she is confused about what she really wants. I think she wants to continue with the divorce to a degree based on her initial reasoning for the divorce, but because the divorce was most likely an impulsive decision she has forgotten the actual reasons for wanting a divorce. So she is confused because she knew at one point she felt a divorce was best, XXXXX XXXXX she has feelings for you, misses you, and may not want you to leave because she is afraid of being alone. This causes stress and anxiety in her life and causes her to act the way she has been.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

so how do I go about this the divorce here in calif is $500 and lawyer retainer at about $3.500 fee and she tell our pastor to be a go between because the cost is hurting her. ???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Well discuss it with your attorney first because I am not sure if this can hurt you by going that route that your wife wants to go. This way the court is apprised of the situation as well and your lawyer can provide you with the best legal advice concerning this. I think your pastor is on your side, as you said, so going through your pastor will be beneficial for you. I think if you do this route though, it can go either way because your wife will see your compassion and will think harder about reconciliation with you or this is her form of control, which will be problematic for you and distance herself from the reconciliation idea. So I would tread carefully here and discuss with your lawyer first on what would be the best option for you.
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5057
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

what i'm saying this is what it will cost her to start this, and if money is an issue and shes also wanting to finish her dental implants at $6.000 to $ 8.000 ,whats on her mind ,???

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Relist: Incomplete answer.ok Dr Z what im asking is her desire for a divorce is expensive, and she needs her front implants, of 3 teeth, which will run over $6000 to $7000, and a divorce at 500$ and a lawyer fee of $3.500 ,,,which will she do I'm confused

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

 



Monday, September 16, 2013 8:16 PMEST




Relist: Incomplete answer.ok Dr Z what im asking is her desire for a divorce is expensive, and she needs her front implants, of 3 teeth, which will run over $6000 to $7000, and a divorce at 500$ and a lawyer fee of $3.500 ,,,which will she do I'm confused


Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Oh I understand you now, sorry for the misunderstanding and the delay in my response I had computer issues.

Most likely she would like to get the dentist work done over the divorce based on her history and what you have described to me. But I think she wants to know if you will agree to working through things with your pastor first because of the costs of both of these. I do not think she will make a decision on her dental work until you respond about her desire to go through your pastor for your divorce. But once again, this can show that you are compassionate and she will respond in kindness and maybe think harder about reconciliation or this is her way of controlling to get what she wants (e.g. save money for dental work) and she may not care for your effort to be considerate.

So the short explanation, I think she will continue with the divorce costs right now, unless you agree to seek mediation with your pastor as the mediator. So right now she will not get the dental work, until she feels that she does not need a lawyer anymore for her divorce.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

it gets confusing doesn't,it so you think her idea is divorce is her option , or time what now i'm really,I was thinking she is considering shes running out of steam and will say uncle, ??

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Yes with someone who has BPD, it can get confusing and this is the first time you mentioned the steep cost of the dental work to me. I think that that for her divorce is an option, but she may not want it even more now because of the costs. I remember we talked about how her lawyers will drop her because of her behavior and this will force her look for another lawyer, which will increase the costs of this process and that is something she does not want and may seek reconciliation to avoid those costs. So with the increased costs, she may be running out of steam and may want to "cry uncle," as you said and seek reconciliation. So for me I would continue with the legal process the way you have been doing and not seek mediation through your pastor to force her hand more. This also gives your wife less control, which will increase her anxiety and stress and force her to think harder about reconciliation with you. So I agree with your that she does appear to be "running out of steam."
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I did add a picture of us on her pictures ,,is that ok or remove it ???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Where did you add it? Online?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

not on line to her pics

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Okay, well then I do not think there is anything wrong with you adding that picture then. It just shows that you still care and reminds her that when things get really bad for her, which they most likely will judging by her decline in stability as we have talked about here a lot, she can always contact you and that you will be there for her. The picture may also cause her to miss you more as well as cause her to remember the good times with you. So I think it was good and smart decision by you to add that picture. Good job!! :)

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Dr Z,, tonite we had our first meeting ,with prayer song. and she was there at first real stand off in the back,. by the door, I was afraid she would leave. she spoke to our pastor who lead songs ans prayer, and them she sat on the opposite side of the room ,,but one row up ,we could both see each other ,,a first passing glances, and real momentary eye contact and the her big face cheeks raised when we did decide with out words we smiled real care fully but it was almost reserved cow eyes to each other, and I went forward for special prayer and healing with a another pastor, I confessed my poor actions to him etc, I waved him over because I wanted him to know I wanted to respect her space ,and we prayed , so now what i asked the head counselor, I asked him what to expect with her, he said she is still thinking about it she has not made up her mind ,,now what???


 


 

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Wow, that is big news that she has not made up her mind!! I think you should definitely be taking this news as positive. I think you should keep doing what you have been doing because it has been working for you. If you are wondering what to do about her lawyer and her idea of the pastor being a mediator, I still think it is too soon to decide that. I would at least wait until the next court date on the 30th and then discuss with your lawyer and your pastor for advice on the situation depending on how it goes in court for you. But for right now, just be patient and to continue doing what you have been doing. Right now, I think this is very positive and very much in your favor, but you have to be patient and not make an impulsive decision based on this good news.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

you see we have both have kind of messed up the restraining order ,, i will call my lawyer and what the judge might do ,,hammer us both ,,because its so groundless, but he can still enforce it , but yes I know you are not a lawyer, but seeing how we have both been not followed it and calling and doing stupid stiff ,do you think he might extend it ,,or just because of her grater transgressions like calling my CO, ect cousens just toss it ,???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
I think if both parties agree for the restraining order to be removed, then usually the judge will remove it. I doubt considering your circumstances that the judge will continue the restraining order. Even though she has called your CO in a fit of rage, I do not think this warrants an extension of the order. This is coming from my experience as psychologist who has testified in civil court cases like this. I also think if there is a chance at reconciliation, the judge will also remove the restraining order to allow you and your wife to talk more and possibly stop the divorce and try to resume the marriage again.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

my bug is even if she wants to and my lawyer provers is as he says groundless and mailing,and with out merrett, and he tosses it out ,,,do I ask our pastor how to start a simple dialog with her like dating ???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
That is a good question, and I do not think that it would hurt to discuss with your pastor this, but I think you start with small talk first and then eventually graduate to possibly dating again. I know that she is your wife, but you have to almost treat her like she was someone you do not know and get to know her again. Help her see the side of you that she fell in love with. You r pastor can help guide you both through this too. Also because she was the one that initiated the divorce, she should make the first move about dating again. You can still promote small talk or long conversations if it gets to that, but let her make the decision on dating because this way she will not feel pressured and it will help her psychologically. I think you are moving in the right direction with her and her body language and words both expressed that, so you must be doing something right and that is being compassionate and patient with her. You keep doing that and it looks like reconciliation is going to become a reality for you. I am really happy for you :)
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

It was good seeing her for almost for an hour and close enough to touch just to shake her hand but I was terrified, and to keep making eye contact was as we both relaxed, and let be natural but not like staring,,even my pal noticed, and his eyes are not to good but he noticed, us how many of the pastors noticed ,,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Well this is the first few steps and they are positive steps in the right direction. I am sure that many people noticed the eye contact by you two and not just the pastors. This is good news and you should feel some relief from the events that transpired with your wife tonight. Lets see how she continues to behave in the upcoming weeks before the court date and hopefully she will continue to improve and act warmly towards you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

but there will be no more singing and prayer after this



,,this was a special start up,, but the counselors said they want me to be more ready to not get mad when she devorces me but these guys don't know ,they seem to be wanting to make a point that this is going to happen ,, but I see there point but I feel like here I go again, roller coaster ,,,and she did buy a new car a sports car, is this a bad sign like when I guy buys one he's all ready said good by

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
She bought a new car, but she cannot afford a new lawyer? Also many woman make elaborate purchases to help lessen their depressive feelings. Many individuals put pride and value on material things, like a car, to help distract them temporarily from their own problems, and this may be what she is doing. So do not compare it to when men buy a sports car, because these different circumstances. She may have depressive feelings because she is grieving over being alone and possibly losing you and buying a car was her way to cheer herself up, but this is a momentary moment of happiness that does not last.

I understand that your counselors want to prepare you for the worst, and yes that is a possibility, but I think her behavior has shown that she is leaning towards reconciliation with you or at least thinking about it for the most part. Just be patient with her and continue with what you are doing, that is your best chance to get her back into your life again.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

OK usual for me something like that lasts like a month or two, but so she was not there behind the door probably around the corner hiding, so now I am hoping you right but , so this is covering up her own emotional tail spin to crash soon

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
I think it is definitely covering up her emotional mood swings and feelings of abandonment, based on her past behavior and what you have told me about her. I think everything tonight with the eye contact, smiles, and how she says she has not made up her mind are all positive objective signs in your favor. So like I said, I think we are seeing signs that she is reconsidering her decision, which shows that she is nearing that rock bottom.

I also wanted to mention that sometimes these threads get too long with no future ratings, then administrators may close it, so you may have to start a new chat at some point. I just wanted to warn you.
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5057
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I have been doing some more research for you and I came across these good articles on how to communicate with someone who has BPD, I thought they could help you.

http://www.bpdcentral.com/blog/?Tips-for-Communicating-with-Someone-With-Borderline-Disorder-8

http://www.ticllc.org/uploads/Loving_Someone_with_BPD-sample_chapter.pdf

http://tearsandhealing.com/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

Also I got this book this weekend and I have only read a few chapters, but I think it is a good read on Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and to help no let the symptoms destroy your relationship. I know you would have preferred this book a year ago, but I think it can still help you a lot now and when reconciliation comes into play as well.

http://www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder--Control/dp/1593856075/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1379404329&sr=8-1&keywords=loving+someone+with+borderline+personality+disorder

Let me know what you think and if these articles and the book help. Best of luck and I hope you have great night
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5057
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 12 months ago.

Dr Z,, it was all a lie last nite ,, when i got my stuff last week i gave my pastor 2 BB guns which were my sons , and she filed a police report, but they are no guns and then she up until now has been tracking my credit card which is mine ,,,and last night at church was a but on to sucker me in ,,,,,what next???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 12 months ago.
I am sorry to hear that. It sounds like she may have been trying to manipulate the situation so that you would drop the legal avenue for divorce and have your pastor serve as mediator in order to save her money. Although it is still possible that she was angry and blaming you for abandoning her, even though she should be angry with herself and this is why she is doing this. Remember mood swings occur often with someone who has BPD and I told you that as she slowly unravels the moods swings will become greater and that is what this appears to be. I think you should keep your distance from her, and do not talk to her through your pastor anymore because that may just add fuel to the fire. If she tries to initiate conversation with you, that is okay, but you should not initiate any conversations or contact. If she does try to initiate contact, I would be concerned that she may try to trap you, so be careful with what you say. Also I would call your credit card company and try to get the card that she is tracking cancelled and get a new card, this usually is not a problem for the credit card company, this will show that she cannot manipulate and be in control all the time.

Now it seems like as you get closer to the court date her moods swings have been increasing and I see no reason for that to stop, so be weary of this and just continue on stoically until your court date. I am sorry that she is acting this way, I was very hopeful that her behavior last night was genuine and that reconciliation was something on her mind.
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5057
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 12 months ago.

ok, Doc I have stopped her access to the card, and feel like a fool, she seemed so sincere my pastor almost swore, so i will be avoiding her ,but I Have a job to do there to, and I was told if she gets out of control she will be asked to find a new church, so what should I expect ,,will she attack me ???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 12 months ago.
I am so sorry, but you should not feel like a fool at all. You are in love with your wife and you put your faith in God concerning her and your marriage, that is not a foolish action at all. You are the honorable person here, she is the one trying to take advantage of that because of her mental health disorder. I doubt that she will physically try to attack you or verbally attack you while at church because it seems like her pattern of behavior is to try to appear nice and honorable at church (e.g. how she acted last night) and then discreetly she will try to hurt you (e.g. call the police, your pastor, your CO, etc...). But I agree if she continues these covert tactics to try to hurt you and involve the pastors, then she should go to a new church because you are doing everything right so far. I suspect that she will stop the covert tactics against you for a little while, but she will not be able to control herself and she may start to have self-destructive behavior soon. This can include self-harm, destroying things in the house, being irritable to others (not just you), and possibly not eating or sleeping well.
Customer: replied 12 months ago.

so what next I'm a bit shaken up, not scared, but what next or do I just let her hurt herself, I don't know ,what to expect, so will she just go crazy , in a hospital,??? should I warn my pastor she could be dangerous,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 12 months ago.
You can definitely warn your pastor about the self-destructive behavior associated with BPD and her own history, just ask your pastor to subtly check up on her and be there for her if she does start to exhibit self-destructive behavior. Unfortunately you personally cannot do anything to help her if she does spiral out of control and exhibits self-destructive behavior because she then may turn that behavior on to you and then she can get violent with you and accusing you of hurting her, saying bad things about her, abandoning her, etc...and this will just increase her behavior, which would not be good. Now if she calls you and says that she wants to hurt herself, then you can call the authorities to take her to the hospital (I have seen this happen when a separated spouse with BPD calls their estranged husband and says that they are going to hurt themselves). Now this is just one pattern of behavior that can occur with your wife, she may still exhibit self-destructive behavior, but not necessarily hurt herself physically. She may just isolate herself from other, be irritable, and this will cause her self-sabotage her support group forcing her to be further alone.
Customer: replied 12 months ago.

Ok Dr Z .well I have enough to be care full, of, i appreciate your help. and I may keep in touch ,,thank you so much hooah ! pt

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 12 months ago.
Anytime, I am always happy to help. Those links I gave you last night, you can also give them to your pastor to help him better communicate with your wife, especially if she exhibiting mood swings and self-destructive behavior. I wish you the best of luck and I will keep you and your wife in my prayers. If you need anything else, please feel free to contact me here at anytime.
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5057
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 12 months ago.






Dr Z, I did not think I would be back ..but shes doing stuff again ,,Wednesday nite, my pastor ,I asked him if he heard any more about the BB gun issue ,,he said its a non issue its going away like it never existed, along with the order ,,I told him I was told him her plan was to take all the way, he said it is not ,,its going away as if it never existed, I said what ,,its ,,he said its not going to the end, but then he said just think you don't have to be her whipping boy, someone else can,( he has a good poker face and a big mustash, but his eyes are his say a lot, ) but he did not say or lead or lead or mention divorce, I told him I know her she would see someone and once or twice and they never return, it came up I know her and now I know what I know I can live with her, and he said are you sure and I said yes, I am, and he turned to start our meeting, am I missing somthing ???
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Expert:  Dr. Z replied 12 months ago.
Hello, I see that you opened a chat up and we are talking through that now, so I will keep this Q&A open for any later issues that come up.
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5057
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Dr Z, I have a confirmation that this restraining order is going to go away, yesterday, my pastor just said be on guard, but just waiting now, ,,,, and I just found out you see we are amamtur radio operaters ,,and she applied for her own membership in the club we belonged to, is this her of reaching out like you said .???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Hello, that is great news that the restraining is definitely going to go away. That should bring you some relief and ease to you life again. It is possible that she is using this membership to try to reach out to you. May I ask, why did she not seek out a membership of her own while you two were together?
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

because I signed up first I was the only member, at the time I was the only amature radio liscence person ,and you need to have a license to use the repeater, so we had a family plan at one third off,and one of the members I spoke to today said she was getting her own membership, is this her was of what???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Its tough to decipher just based off this. If she was not really interested in amateur radios and was only interested in the past because of you then definitely I would say that she was trying to reach out to you, but if she really likes this and wants to continue to be a part of this club because of her interest in amateur radios, then she could just be doing this for her.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

she got her ticket to talk to me when her phone was acting up , and she seldom goes on unless i'm on, but with the order still there , i have to be careful until its cleared up, she knows i am on it quite often, but with the order no direct contact, do you think she had this in the works and to ask my friends about me???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
It is possible that she had this in the works, but then how would we she know that her phone was going to act up, unless you think she is not being truthful about her phone and just using it as an excuse to try to talk to you. But I agree with you to be careful until the contact order is lifted. If she is asking her friends about you, that is a positive step that she is thinking about you in a good way.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

she bought one of the too technical phones and it would get stuck, and stop, working, and she would get on her radio to check in and mostly talk with me ...there is a couple of ladies belong to, my friends would say i'm ok, and not much else because they don't want to let this get messed up they know how I love her ,and i'm reading loving someone with bpd its interesting I see us ,,but not as bad, so i feel we can do this ,tomorrow nite I will probably see her,, you see I have to be served papers too undo this to ,,,,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Well it definitely sounds like from what you are saying that she is trying to reach out, so this is positive. I guess you will see tomorrow night how she reacts to you, body language and eye contact wise. I hope you are served the papers soon because I know you did not deserve this order at all and it will help you get your life back on track without this order hanging over you.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

so if she just happens to pipe in , because when you get on the radio you should give your call sign , do i ignore her on say what ???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
The only thing I am afraid of if you acknowledge her on the radio is if that would be considered direct contact and in violation of the order and I dont want her to trap you into something that was not your fault. So I think let her initiate the contact first because then legally you are less culpable. I am just looking out for you here.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

so i must announce my call sign for fcc rules ,and not answer her ,or say what . let her announce her call sign , and say very little knowing i let her talk , its just a few days but i can not let it get messed up , i am wondering if she just listens and see what i talk about??

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
You can announce your call sign and all her to announce hers, but if she directly makes contact with you first then you can talk to her, but other than that I would not acknowledge her because of that no contact order you have. I understand that you do not want it to get messed up and I think this is your best strategy to not get entrapped into a legal situation. If possible, could you record these conversations just in case she says you made contact with her first then you can have proof refuting that.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

i like the record idea but my gear is not at this time not capable at this time, all that stuff is at her place, so i guess i'll be polite say hi and say want to talk but can't,take care ???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
No, what I want you to do is not say anything at all nothing. But if she says hi to you, then you can say hi back. And if she talks more to you then you can respond and have a normal conversation with her. The important thing here is that she initiated it and not you. If she initiated the conversation then according to the law you are less culpable, meaning less at fault, so this protects you because she initiated the conversation.
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5057
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Customer: replied 11 months ago.

ok Dr Z thank you I have an Air Force buddy at funeral at 9 am and later at 1030am and take care doc ,hooah !!!

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Okay I understand, express my condolences for your friend. I hope you have a great night and great start to your week tomorrow.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Dr Z, so far she has not fixed the court order, but now , i'm finding out she is not paying her medial bills, doc bills, and our counseling staff has set me up with a new guy ,,ok cool, at first they decided I don't really need anger management , and then divorce start up, and the head person who runs the staff I took a side ,,because he is not privileged to the other pastors info, because of privacy things, I asked him not to go to the other pastor ,,jim who shes talking to ,,because I do not want this screwed up ,,he understood ,,they want to make it reconciliation counseling, but i'm concerned if she is not paying her bills what about the car???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Good morning,

That is alarming that she is not paying her bills, it could show that her mood swings are causing her to lose focus on important issues, like the bills. This is not uncommon with her mental health disorder, and I would ask your pastor to talk to her about the bills to make sure that she knows she should pay them for her benefit. As for the reconciliation counseling, I think this is great news for you and slowly she can start to see the new you and how you truly do care for her and want to be there for her. Hopefully she will be willing to make some changes as well because of her BPD and that she would be willing to go through the DBT therapy, which can help her better control her emotional mood swings caused by BPD.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

ok you see I think she still thinks she has insurance and she does not ,and i'm being sent the bills ,this like a think to see if I still care, and I did pay one ,,it was not to bad, but because we are not separated, I am still responsible, or to keep me here, and just foot dragging ???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
It is possible, I can see both ways though her mood swings are in such full effect from the abandonment issues and that she is having difficulty concentrating and that is what caused her to miss the bill payments or that she does not have enough money to pay the bills because of her recent impulsive car purchase that you told me about. Also she may be using this to "test" you to see if you still care and to try to keep you around for longer. Also we cannot rule out the possibility that this is her way of trying to manipulate you in paying the bills, so that she saves money for something else that she wants. I still think bringing it up with either your pastor to talk to her about it or your lawyer to talk to her lawyer about it would be the best strategy because it still shows that you care.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

ok I can do that, as for me being here longer ,I'm good as long as we resolve this, do see her being more scared than before ,,and I was also told by my realtor that my house is being sold, and she will get what i owe her, will change things, in her head, ??

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Most likely she may get panicky when she finds out about your house and she may work quickly to resolve things with you. I think if she shows that she is willing to try reconciliation therapy with you, then that is a positive step and that is a good reason to stay in the area with her, but let her initiate that as you have stated your case for reconciliation to her numerous times and now it is her turn to make an effort to save your relationship. I think when she finds out that you sold the house, it will push her more towards reconciliation so that you stay in the area and stay in her life.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

this was released to her yesterday, and I am thinking I will have money, and I can go ,,how long ,,I am thinking this may have to sink in to her, and to have to wait until monday the 30th because of court cases ahead of her , a friend told me here in riverside the courts are at times very slow, and even if it gets cleared up ,,i may still have to double check its truly cleared up,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I agree that the courts are slow and it would be best to confirm with your lawyer that the process is truly completed. I agree it should take some time for it to sink in for her, but wait until next week and see how she responds to you while in court, but do not be surprised if she tries to talk to you before then because individual with BPD are impulsive and usually act before thinking, especially when anxious. So far continue with what you have been doing and just wait for her to make an initiating move towards you, which will most likely come based on her past behavior.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

will she do it personally e mail call, to keep it on the side or a friend so the pastor is not involved, ,for tomorrow nite I have to meet the new buyer I will my mens meeting where my pastor tells me whats going on , now he said be care full ,, will she draw me in ,,or be good for a while, and that is when we start help,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I cannot tell you what method of communication she will do, most likely one that she feels comfortable with and not too confrontational, so usually that is email. I think she will be good for awhile and then that will draw you both closer together and then I think the suggestion for reconciliation counseling will be made and then you both will slowly and surely get back together to resume the marriage.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Because 0f her impulsiveness , I know the pastor knows,but he will say nothing, and she will have to seek other ways ,,so you think E mail , even though we are not to ,her fear will get better of her , because of loosing me, or will she just let it eat her up, ??

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Email is usually very non-confrontational and the best type of communication in these types of situations, but then again she may just communicate in a different fashion, I do not know her personally. I think her anxiety and fear of losing you will compel her to talk with you, so that she does not lose you. That is the most likely scenario based on her past behavior and BPD, but no one can predict what someone will do 100 percent of time, I am just giving you the most likely scenario.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

ok so I should be completely honest with her ,or what you see I'm a lousy liar she see right through me,,even E mail ,,is this when honesty is the best policy,or will it well mess it up, ???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I definitely think you should be honest with her, because I think lying would hurt your relationship with her and you are trying to build a relationship on trust. But do not openly reveal information about yourself, unless she ask, so again let her initiate.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

even to tell her if she still want us to be together, i will be here, for her is that stupid,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
No that is not stupid at all, you are being honest with how you feel. But remember what we talked about, do not push her. Let her make the choice for reconciliation and you just be yourself.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

one last note I told the docs office to remind her from now her shots are no longer covered ,,,and she will ask what does she owe , and i told the front desk lady tell her the old man took care of it ,, I got a letter from the insurance company to pay it ,,,so I did,, how do you think she will respond ??

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
She will probably think that it was very nice and sweet of you. She most likely will start to realize that you care for her no matter what. I do not see anything wrong with what you did, it was a honorable and kind thing to do.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

ok well I have to get some stuff going here in LA so Gpd bless ,,and I hope It all works out for us and gods glory ,,, thank you DOC hooah!!!

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Anytime, hope you have a great rest of your day :)
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5057
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Dr Z, my wife went nuts, she blew up at the realtor, saying she was being a third go between, against the order ,,so I had to put my lawyer and realtor on a conference call, to fix this and they both agree this is her temper tantrum, and she wants more money ,,and is telling her lawyer to my lawyer that she is going to have our church broker our divorce to save her money,, what next???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I am sorry, her mood swings are very rapid and wide which is a part of her disorder. This is why I wanted you to be careful just in case she turned on you because of her BPD, which she is doing now. I would let your lawyer and realtor handle this because in her mind her anger is justified because you abandoned her, but in reality that is not the case. Most likely her anger will continue for a day or two and then she will calm down and act nice towards you and then next week it will continue again, especially after the court date because this has been her pattern for weeks now.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

so now now the pastor who was talking to her is warned that she has been making a fool of him and I,because he was one of the pastors that told me to go to a friends ,and her attack on him is next, so now how can she be nice to me ,I'm like pulled back by my lawyer, in a way just pay her extra money ,, I don't care !!! I actually suggested to him , (just kidding ok) ,tape us together and just tell me what you want ,chew me out ,,just out with it, and end this B/S.. you know its like to children who cant play right have them sit down and settle it ???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Well I definitely would not tape you two up and hash it out like that because with her BPD that will just send her to a very explosive rage and I want you to be safe. Right now she is not being rational and everyone is seeing that. This is not way related to you and what you are doing, in fact more people probably sympathize with you and your composure through all of this. I would keep my distance from her, and actually do not respond to any communications that she makes to you, if she does, and just let her cool off for 1-2 days.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

no problem , court is soon enough , but its like I'm exhausted, because the more she cries domestic violence, there is none, and thinking my church is going to broker our divorce, HA !!! I feel like a fool, and then she tells the lawyers she cant make up her mind what she wants, and at this time so now what

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
You are definitely not a fool, you are just very much in love with your wife, but she is not being rational due to her emotional mood swings associated with her BPD. Right now everyone is on your side, so do not worry about that, so no one believes her when she says anything about domestic violence. She is very confused due to her variable moods, but I do believe she will ask for reconciliation with you although even that will be difficult unless she gets proper treatment for her behavior because the mental stress is building up and disrupting her ability to control her emotions.

Customer: replied 11 months ago.

I am afraid once she see's how she's made folks mad, I don't think the church will even allow reconciliation ,because of her rage, and I love her ,,you know I check our bank account to day we still share it was low, I put in 160 to help her, this was before she went crazy , in the bible its a gift in secret calms a person, boy am I confused

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I know you are trying to be rational and a good person to your wife, but because she needs psychological and psychiatric help, she is not in the right state of mind to understand that you are helping her. So I know you are trying to be a good Christian man and do what is taught in he Bible, your wife is not in the right frame of mind to see that unfortunately. I think your pastors should strongly push psychological treatment for her, or she will continue to get worse and while she will most likely want to reconciliation with you, she will not be mentally ready for it because of her disorder.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

so I'm going to back away and if she wants a divorce ,,It sickens me but I must pray ,,because I'm just going to move on, if I have to, but I'm not going to sit in pity, just ,,but I still love her I will try to be there, but I just wish I knew what she wants and give it to her to stop the maddness, ????

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I know, but I do not think even she knows what she wants because of all the mood swings that she is having. I do not think she wants a divorce in her heart, but her disorder is making it hard for her to think rationally and appropriately at this time.I think if you pray for her to get the right psychological help and hopefully she listens to your pastors about psychological help, this will improve her mood and relieve her symptoms, so that she can see that you are right for her. But it is hard for her right now with this disorder. I know you do not want to divorce her and I do not want you to divorce her, but she needs to get the help that she needs to make sure reconciliation can be a success.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

so if my pastors see fit if or when they can get her there ,, how long with the right help take years ,what??

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
No with psychiatric medications and DBT therapy she should start feeling the benefits within 2-3 months, but it may take a year or 1.5 years to get the maximum benefits from DBT therapy, judging by the severity of her symptoms.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

well I have a lot to think about now, she and I made a promise we are not disposable,, but once she starts to get the right treatment , how long before we can be together, as a couple , and rebuild ??? a year and a half, i'm 59 that seems like a long time ,,and if it money ,I will be able to help , but maybe I'm looking for a little hope, sorry

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
No I do not think that you have wait 1.5 years until you can start to rebuild. Actually I think if she agrees to hold off on the divorce and seek therapy, then it is possible you two can be together and you can be her support through this. But it would require her to be vulnerable and admit that she needs help. This is what I mean if she seeks reconciliation, it has to come with the stipulation that seeks this therapy and possibly medication to help relieve her symptoms. In fact, most people with BPD do better if they have a good support system in place and I think if she agrees to this then you both can rebuild the relationship as she starts to fix herself at the same time.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

how do i get her to accept help, I just got off the phone with my pastor, and he agrees she needs help ,but how to get her to do this, he also agrees I need to wait on a divorce, that if she puts a hold ,on it like using the house sale to slow it by using the sale to get her attention ??? he has been used before and he very capable to deal with her, and slow her anger ,, but he see's her anger in church activities my be an issue ,,but he busted in to laughter when I told him she wants the church to broker our divorce ,,so for now i'm going to rest ,,i will wait for your answer ,??

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Well you cannot "get" her to seek help, she will have to decide this on her own accord, but I believe her pastor is one of the few people close to her that can have influence on her. They will just have to talk openly and he has to keep mentioning therapy to her and telling her the benefits until she eventually agrees with him. I think holding off the divorce would be the right decision to help her lessen her stress and I think if she does go through with the divorce then this would push her over the edge where she may hurt herself unfortunately. If she held off of the divorce and sought therapy, this will help bring clarification and help her decide if a divorce is the best decision or not. Also here is a good book on helping individuals see for themselves that they need therapeutic help.

http://www.amazon.com/Someone-Illness-Treatment-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0967718937/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380074840&sr=8-1&keywords=i%27m+not+sick+i+don%27t+need+help
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

ok DrZ good nite and I will let you know what happen when I can ,,take care ,,hooah !!!! paul T

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I understand, I will be praying for you and your wife. I truly hope she gets the treatment that she needs, so that you can get your wife and marriage back. Have a great night to you as well :)
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5057
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Dr Z well my wife has gone ballistic, she has brought up stuff from four years ago ,,the first time this happen ,, now her listening to our radio group even though i never used her call or name , i would say to a friend i miss a special friend ,, and shes using our older friend against me , and some credit card purchases at collector shows , no gun stuff ,,surplus parts, and now Monday, is going to be a deserter, and even dragging in the Realtor and escrow people, even junk from my last job, what do i do

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I am so sorry to hear this. It sounds like she is starting to lose control of her rational side because he emotional side is just too overpowering right now. It sounds like she is expressing her anger towards you and blaming you for everything because she feels that you are abandoning her. Right now, I think you have to ignore her and try to limit contact with her at least until court next Monday, this will give her time to calm down, but it will also protect you as well. Right now she is not in a place to have a rational conversation with and thus reconciliation is not a possibility. I think you can try to push the pastor to convince her to hold off on the divorce and persuade her to go to an intensive center for treatment, maybe even an inpatient treatment. If she will not do that, then you will have to limit your contact with her, even if the order is lifted because her mood swings are too unpredictable for you to handle right now and no matter how perfect you are it will never be good enough for her unfortunately.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

this came today from my lawyers office as her complaint that about my transgressions on the order i am avoiding her, but now i have to explain all this to my lawyer, like why i was doing this ,old letters from 4 years ago ,,you say its her loosing of me ,in court I'm going to fry ,I feel she is using

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Well I think you should definitely let your lawyer handle it appropriately, and I thought everyone said that the order was going to go away. She is just being very emotional, angry, and vindictive right now because of her BPD. The old letter from 4 years ago should not have any bearing right now, but let your lawyer handle that. Right now I would just avoid her at all costs because you do not want any more accusations by her hanging over you. So far you have done nothing wrong, explain everything to your lawyer and you should be fine. She is the one who is looking irrational, while you are keeping calm and composed, this will be good for you. Also her lawyer is going to drop her you said, so another reason why you are doing well in court and why you are not going to "fry."
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

because in California , she is lieing and the woman is always right I am afraid they tack the woman's side , you see they had me on large doses of seroquel .and i put on 25 lbs ,and looked very sick ,the shrink doctor backed me off and then took me off of it ,, and personal intemit things too, her and I stuff, and he felt I was OK ,,but she argued I needed more ,,he said it was bad and making me sicker ,,and he's the doctor.

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Well it most likely will not look good for her when her lawyer drops her as a client because of her behavior most likely. And if everyone is saying that the no contact order will get lifted then I think you should put your trust in those people around you that have said that. I live in California as well and the woman's side is not always taken. Most courts try to be fair to both genders, but you have a very good lawyer and I think you should follow your lawyer's advice and trust in God that this play out the way it should. Like I said so far you have done nothing wrong and just trust the people that are there to protect through all of this.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

you see this is all in retaliation of my house being sold and her issue, but now im not going to play fair , i mean just using my radio friends ,,I will tell them to watch out and stay away, for she can not be trusted, her lawyer now is the lead lawyer to come after me , but now it all about the house, and I am scared of what will happen to me jail ,what she called my c,o, and cousins,will that have an affect on her, that was causing problems

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
She is just being impulsive and angry, she does not have much a legal recourse for this. Let you lawyer handle all the legal means and you take care of yourself. Just avoid her like you have been doing and tell your friends to avoid her as well. You will not go to jail and CO should understand what you are going through and that your wife is not acting very sane with her behavior. You should not focus on what she is doing, remember to focus on the big picture and think objectively about the situation.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

what i was asking her calling my c o and cousins and hassling them will that be taXXXXX XXXXXghtly be the judge , and the other things ,she has done to me , because our pastor has been sucked in to this too, because she has used him as a third party to to get to me.should i get a note from him stating his place in this,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Well this judge will most likely look at these types of behaviors in your favor and against her, so that is a positive sign for you. And yes you should get your pastor to write a signed letter about her behavior and how difficult she has been lately, giving specific examples if he is willing to do that for you.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

I know they some times they try to stay out of this but because of his involvement ,,i hope he can help, what do you think they will do a longer or permanent order ,or what three days ago this was going to die ,now its like a war ,,,I have no contact with her at all , should I bring up the last order when she had me up for dinner and sex later and even a 4 day trip in the middle of the second order ,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
They may view the order as a good way to protect you from her because she is so unstable, so they may extend it or not, I am not sure. I thin the order will be cancelled, but given her recent behavior they may extend it for your benefit. If she had you up for dinner and sexual intercourse in the middle of the second no-contact order, then you should tell your lawyer before anybody else to get advised of your legal situation regarding that.

*So I will have to ask you for just one more question tonight, if you have one, because it is very late and I need to wake up early in the morning. Thanks for your understanding.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

ok do i tell them how many times and often she had me up to her house like 5 to 6 times a week , and for three months of this ,,and by her invite, so , so much for my transgressions ,,even if this was 4 years ago will this have any bearing, on Monday and to my lawyer ,, just tell him every thing even the 4 day trip

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I would definitely tell them everything, you want to tell your lawyer all of it so that your lawyer is not surprised by anything she may bring up in court. Also since she invited you then this means that she is more culpable in the eyes of the law then you are, so this will have no harmful impact for you. Also anything that happened 4 years ago should have no relevance right now and most likely she is only bringing it up because of her anger about you selling the house. If your lawyer presents this vindictiveness by your wife in court, then most likely the judge will rule in your favor.

Okay, well I am going to get some sleep, which I suggest that you do as well. We can pick this up in the morning. I think everything is going to workout well for you and I believe that your story has more credibility then hers, so you should not worry about what she is saying. Good night and I will talk to you in the morning about this.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

thank you good night Doc

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Goodnight to you too. Talk to you in the morning
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5057
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Good morning DrZ, well this this is its kind about me, my lawyer has chewed me out about some of my mistakes, on this order, most are minor or non harmful, but any way I could end up with an extension of time, but maybe not, some was i feel a set up by her but why, now courts on Monday, and I m getting butter fly stomach,and most of her new complaints are safely answered, but the one where our Grand mother person is not so good, with her ok we talked , and my lawyer said even with her letter , so Im scared, and how do you tshe is right now like lets divorce , or kick my butt, or what ??

Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Relist: Other.
Good morning DrZ, well this this is its kind about me, my lawyer has chewed me out about some of my mistakes, on this order, most are minor or non harmful, but any way I could end up with an extension of time, but maybe not, some was i feel a set up by her but why, now courts on Monday, and I m getting butter fly stomach,and most of her new complaints are safely answered, but the one where our Grand mother person is not so good, with her ok we talked , and my lawyer said even with her letter , so Im scared, and how do you tshe is right now like lets divorce , or kick my butt, or what ??
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Good morning,

I am sorry that you are feeling scared right now, but you have to trust your lawyer that he/she will defend you well in court against these allegations. I think your wife is feeling anger because of the abandonment issues, especially with you selling the house, and she blames you for these feelings, so these allegations that she is making is way of "getting back at you" unfortunately. I do not believe that she intended to set you up from the beginning, but I think her anger has just gotten the better of her and it translated into these accusations she has recently made. I do not know exactly what is going on in her mind, neither does she, because her mood swings are so wide right now that she is not in control...I bet she is going from anxiety, to anger, and to depression at such an alarming rate that it is causing her to lose touch with reality. It will be interesting to see how she composes herself in court on Monday. I do not think you should be scared for Monday, I think everything will be okay and you just have to rely on your lawyer and put faith in God like you have been doing.

*Also you do not have to relist the question if I do not answer back in a little while because it was 430 AM when you asked it and I am usually back on the website around 8 AM, today is different though. But you do not have to be concerned as I will get back to your question as fast I can, that is a promise I make to you.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

you see how do i get across to her , that i wish not to abandon her , do i stop the sale of my house ,is that to late for in her head, how can i , show her ??? and let her stop her spinning, or her mood swings how can i keep her safe and what i, realize this is her doing but how can i set her straight, and show as seeing as court is Monday, even though im hurt , God forgives us and how can i reassure her if she can listen , i remember her recent complaint of hearing i still care, and she got mad, i know she needs help, but to show her ,,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I know it is tough right now to not know what to do to help her, but you have to remember she has to help herself as well. I would wait until Monday before you do anything and then possibly after court you will get a better idea of what she wants and what her game plan is, then you can possibly request a sit down with your lawyer and her lawyer present. Then you can discuss if you stopped the sale of the house, would this calm her down to a point where she would stop these allegations, you can make that request of her. But also like I told you before with her disorder of BPD, even if everything you do is the right thing here on out she will still possibly find a way to blame you because this is a part of her disorder. You can try asking your lawyer if he/she can bring up that she needs treatment in court to help persuade her to get treatment, but I am not sure if that is possible at all.

So no matter what you do, I think she will be this way with you because her disorder is causing this wide emotional swings and is taking them out on you unfortunately. While I am very touched that you want to help her and calm her down, I would not make any rash decisions that will hurt you in order to appease her right now. I would wait for Monday and then come up with a good game plan on what do next with your lawyer to protect your interests as well.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

ok , i can do that most of our friends are seeing divorce, for us, and you know she is blaming me for her abandonment, i am willing to take the hit for that ,, but i have a scene, she just want me hurt, like her and OK im big enough ,for that but i see her anger, and confusion too, or just let her go, and what??

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
She may just want to see you hurt and this is her vindictiveness coming out, that is a possibility. So my only issue with the matter right now, is while you want to be the honorable husband and stick by her side and help her get treated for this disorder, it seems like she is not wanting to help herself. And no matter if you do end up reconciling, if she refuses to help herself then you are just going to end up in this same place you are now and I do not want that for you. So far you are making all the sacrifices, or suggesting that you are willing to make all the sacrifices, with no assurance that she will seek the treatment that she needs for her BPD. If you do decide to let her go and just go along with the hard fight of the divorce, I think you have to realize that you are not giving up on her, but she is also giving up on herself because she is not seeking treatment that she needs to make this marriage work. In addition, it was also her choice to get the divorce, so according to you faith she is the one walking away from God, not you because you are doing everything trying to save the marriage, but she is not listening. So the decision will be up to you, but I want you to weigh the pros and cons of the decision in an objective way. Here is a technique I give to patients to help them think objectively about problem solving like this that I would like you to use.

http://media.psychologytools.org/Worksheets/English/Problem_Solving.pdf
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

OK i guess i 'm doing some soul searching on us have done what i can even though she has done as much as she can to hurt me, and i see she needs help, i have told our pastor she needs help, and what , but now after he and i spoke, he feels i need to find a new church, until after court because the lawyer says she can , come and go,and i must run away, from her, and they are saddened but for now ,, so i hooked up with one of army friends and im checking out this church tonight, but im sad having to do this,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I am sorry that you have to find a new church, I know how strongly connected you were to your church. Hopefully you will still be able to talk with your pastor though as he was a good friend and spiritual guide for you during this difficult time. If she will not listen to your pastor about the psychological help that she needs, then it will be difficult if not impossible for her to get better because you and I both know that her disorder is very serious. I do agree that you need to do some soul searching, and I wish it was easier for you, but your wife is definitely not making life easy for you right now as her BPD mood swings are highly influencing her behavior and thoughts.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

I realize I have not meant any harm ,to her, but her condition in in the driving seat, but i am suppose to see a new counselor today , his job is to prepare me for divorce and what to expect after, and what she may want or do, friendly or other divorce, so im apprehensive, of what i might i may not want to do, life is hard and the wish of a time machine would be good right about now,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I know it is hard, but if she will not help herself, then there is very little you can do in this situation. Just prepare for everything, that is what they tell you do in your military training, and then see what happens, but you have made your intentions very well known and if she decides to get the help that she needs, then reconciliation can be a real possibility, although she will need to seek this treatment herself. I am very sorry things took this turn for you, I was very hopeful that things were going to turn out better for you and her, but take some solace that you have done everything right here and it was her and the BPD that are causing these recent problems, not you.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

OK this morning i have to see my pastor , and get pictures of the BB guns for court , and at 10 i see the new guy, i realize her disease is causing, and i have tried and tried, but her anger in causing her friends do not want to be there, we went back to bible study on Thursday night, and her girl friends in privet wanted what to pray for,I said healing for us , and you see even they are hurt, seeing i still care, and you could see there hurt i told them she may or may not want friends, right now because she chases them off, and they are more concerned about me seeing how it hurts,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
That is nice of her friends to care for you and pray for you. Her disorder is causing this behavior and unless she seeks help, she will never feel better unfortunately, but the decision will have to be up to her. I hope it goes well seeing the new guy today and that you enjoy your new church too. Let me know if you need anything from me or if you just want to talk
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

OK Doc ,, thank you ,, I wish too that it would be a better ending , but until she decides what she needs help, its out of my hands and in God's, so thank you again i will let you know what happens, God bless Doc,, HOOAH !! thank you Paul t

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
God bless you as well and I truly hope everything works out for you. I will definitely be praying for you and her this weekend and definitely for Monday. If you need anything, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5057
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Dr z I realize its early but i am well kind of very wound up, and ,my wife went to a service on Saturday, and went to the most gabby guy on our parking/safety team to ask him to come and get something of his at her house , and then shes being he said telling him all about her new can, the volt, and etc, how she saved up , so on so, can he come and get soon ,, he visits with every one its OK, I think she went to him and want him to come over to see if he knows stuff ,about me, and also my two lawyers and spoke by phone, and they feel i'm might be OK, and I am feeling it right now ,,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Hello again,

So you say that you are wound up because of your wife's behavior at the service yesterday with this guy and how she probably asked questions about you that you are wound up, why are you wound up? That is good that your 2 lawyers think that you might be okay with everything, that should bring you relief.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

wound up about tomorrow, but my lawyers feel that court will be ok for me, but also my wife went to my about something for him to to get from her that's his, but he m


MR gabby, she is looking for info. should i give him any thing, because she is fishing, she is angry ,,ok, but it is out of loosing control of me, of to do more damage, or she is afraid I will move on and I will be gone ???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I understand about being wound up about tomorrow, that is natural considering the circumstances. I think she is definitely fishing for information because she is desperate and I think you should not tell him anything because of your description of him as "Mr. Gabby." I think she is doing this because she is angry because of the abandonment issues that we talked about and this is her way of not so subtly trying to get information to do more damage to you, but she will not find anything. Trust your lawyers that say you will do okay tomorrow.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

OK, is she hurting me to destroy me or that she's angry about abandonment,or punish me and she will calm down once i get it, or she still cant figure out what she wants, and to really teach me a lesson, and still divorce me or just punish me ,and make sure I don't ever leave her,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I think she is confused by her feelings and not thinking rationally. I think she is overall angry about the abandonment issues, but she is not aware of it...she only recognizes that she is angry. So she tries to punish you because she is angry and that is why she is doing this. On some occasions she wants the divorce because of her anger and then on other occasions she is sad and does not want a divorce...all of this stems with her attachment and abandonment issues which she has no insight on. Some her behavior is erratic and not rational.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

ok so how do I convey this ,one, I am very sorry , and what can I do bring healing and comfort to you to settle you feelings and validate your pain, and at least stop her path of destruction of her self and me, because im big enough to take it, and accept blame to stop this , and if nothing else seek peace so i do not have to keep looking over my shoulder,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Well we have talked about this, remember she is not in a place for you to help bring her healing and comfort because she will not seek healing and treatment for herself. She does not understand her behavior and why she does, what she does so there is nothing that you can do to help her realize this. Only long term intensive therapy will help her realize this. I think for you, you have to keep your distance from her, so that she does not lash out at you if you want peace. She will try to cause problems in your life, but if you follow your lawyer's instructions to the letter, she will not be able to do anything against you legally. Once she starts to realize the reason for her erratic behavior, then she will be able to start healing.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

so then this is the end of us her and I ,, I realize she needs some serious help ,, I wish not to run away, but once this ends tomorrow. I hope and I am told it will have a positive end, I m still of thinking of filing a false police report about my BB guns, just to clear my mane, and they will investigate it charge her with a misdemeanor, and it will say keep away ?

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
It may not be the end of your marriage to her, she may realize the error in her ways and that she needs to get help from a psychological professional. Filing a false police report may just cause her to retaliate and make more false accusations about you, so it may not be a good thing, but ask your lawyers about that plan.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

so what do I do, once the court (wheel of fortune )stops, how long will it take her to see at all because my pastor want me back soon, and he say maybe two weeks , i think to set her down and explain probably new rules for us, because i found out on Wednesdays we have study's, all over our church and she must check in and out , i was told they know i know better, to keep my distance , but they keep her on the leash , so she will not come to me ,do you see hope some do the serious smart ones do , but the folk's who are just find another wife , dump her ??

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I think it will be tough for you and her to get back together without her admitting that she has a disorder and needs treatment, so she needs to do that. You never know, God could open her eyes and she could gain insight on her behavior.Your pastor can set her down and explain that you will be at the church and that she (and you) must follow certain rules while at church to remain civil. i think if you keep your distance from her and if her pastor keeps pushing treatment on her, and she agrees, then there is hope for reconciliation. But her erratic behavior needs this therapy to see things rationally as right now she is just controlled by impulsive thoughts and emotions.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

one pastor says one to two years ,, and so I don't know about two years, I Hosea (old testament) God tells him to go back to his wife even though she was unfaithful, but what do I do ,,will she see , or once the court is out of the picture ,, My lawyer says we file for divorce to make her sign off on my house, and move on , do I shake her off , God says be faithful but once if I do file what do you think her response will be ??

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I think her response to you filing will most likely be anger again, given her history of anger outbursts. I understand your dilemma and pain, but you do have to think about yourself and your well being. If she agrees to treatment, then you can think about getting back together with her, but she has to initiate reconciliation and treatment options as well, you cannot do that. If she does not seek treatment of herself, then you may have to consider moving on.I know your pastor says 1-2 years, but there is not guarantee that she will seek therapy or that even therapy will be successful for her and you must consider this too when making your decision.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

but because of her impulsive ways , once this ends the court stuff , will she try to draw me in, or stay angry,, for me to sell my house she has to sign off and a divorce can force her and she will get less money, or once she see's i am leaving will say what ,, i understand you are not a fortune teller but her spin cycle is on, her to panic seeking another court order to keep me here,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
She may try to draw you in, but this may be a way for her to manipulate or trap in you something that she will use against you, so be careful. Or she may draw you in genuinely because she does not want to see you go, it would be difficult to determine which motive for her behavior is going to be accurate. But this drawing you in, will be short lived and her anger will again show up like it always has, so prepare yourself.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

ok because if i file it will be soon ,,because of the house selling, I know what the bible says about who files first is sin, but she is trying to tie my hands ,and


i am in a hard place , should i wait , a little and see what she does, not sure ,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I do not think you should wait because that just gives her leverage over you, but this is your choice to make. I think if you file, and see how she responds will be your best option to see what will happen in the near future. If she responds angrily at you, then the reconciliation issue is less likely. If she responds as sad and hurt, then reconciliation is more likely because this means that she will be open to fixing herself.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Ok that I will do tomorrow, I will just have to for my sanity I love her, but I got to do something, to cause and affect , so I guess sooner than later, my pastor may not be to happy , but I have to do this, well I have to get ready for church ,,just a thought do you think she will divorce papers for me tomorrow, but I must go soon

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I am not sure if she present you with divorce papers tomorrow, it is a possibility, but it sounds like her lawyer may be too busy working on the other complaints she filed. I think you should do this for your sanity and to protect yourself too. You can discuss the issue with your pastor and see what his advice is on the situation, so that you are hearing all sides. Okay, well have a good time at church today :)
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Thank you Doc,, God bless I will keep you up to speed, Paul T

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Glad I can help Paul :) God bless you as well and I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5057
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Dr z, well court went really good/odd ,I had her served my divorce papers before we started , and she let her lawyer go, she was going to represent her self, and she panicked,and my lawyer said and was going to be given two hours that morning, and to go and she said she was ready to go, ,, and then she rehired her lawyer, right away, and now its and scramble, now we may be talking dropping the order, and negotiate a divorce,and etc. ???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Wow, that is an odd divorce hearing, it must have been interesting seeing her scramble like that. I told you her mood symptoms would be so great that she would not be able to think rationally and it was clearly shown here. Also since it was shown in court the judge say that she is not emotionally balanced either and this can go in your favor for the order. I am proud of you that you served her the divorce papers, I know that must have been really hard for you. Now it will be up to her in regards XXXXX XXXXX that she has a major psychological issue and needs help or she may just ignore it and go straight for the divorce. If she goes for the divorce without any treatment, then expect her mood swings, manipulation, and anger outbursts to increase unfortunately. Either way I am glad that it went well for you yesterday, I was going to write you and see how it went, but I thought you would write me when you are ready.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

the judge never saw her, by then her lawyer and my lawyer ,agreed to extend the TRO for 10 days , to negotiate divorce conduct , for us because she finally got the judge was not going to allow non family law items on the order, like broker things , so i kind of shut her down and the doing the divorce was hateful, ti do i am still ashamed, but it shut her down , you see its all about the money, so do you think she will retaliate,once more or being cheap, play nice because she knows if i play hard ball it costes more ???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Oh so the judge never saw her, but extending the TRO for only 10 days that is good news for you because now you know it will end soon. You should not feel ashamed at all, you have bent over backwards to help her and to reconcile with her, but this was her choice to continue this route and her choice not to seek treatment. I think her mood swings and anger outbursts will be too great for her to think rationally about money and I think that will overwhelm her and she will retaliate. Although the reality of this abandonment may hit her hard and she will get so depressed to seek treatment or have it forced upon her, that is a possibility and if that happens then she may want support and help from you. If this does happen, you will have to make a choice to help her if you think she is being truthful or not if you think she is trying to manipulate you.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

how do you think she will retaliate, now shes done about it all, how do i tell if she wants help, or manipulate me, and i ca and will be there, but if nothing else i want to have a peace treaty ,and how do i tell if shes honest ???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Well she will most likely retaliate by saying something deceitful about you because that is what she has done in the past, and then these lies will spread and she will start acting angry and wildly emotional. Now there is noXXXXXto tell if she is going to manipulate you or is actually truly seeking help. It really depends on the circumstances and the situation too, there are just so many variables as well. But in the end it will be what your gut says too because you know this women better than anyone, so you have to trust your gut and what it is telling you. Also rely on prayer too and seek guidance from God to help you with your decision too, if it comes to that. But I cannot see in the future and neither can you, so I cannot tell you how she will approach you and in what manner, but I will make this promise to you, that when she does I will be here for you to help you interpret the exact situation to help you make the best decision possible.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

well most people know shes going around say look hes divorcing, me and there saying is not that what you wanted and he gave it you, so what can she do most of our friends know me , the pastor says i pulled the carpet out from under her and he feel's i did right, but, now we have to do this peace agreement in less that 10 days or my lawyer will be even more ready for his two hour defense,and her lawyer i does not want to go toe to toe, so if she agrees to a peace treaty, well she use it to just behave , or what ?

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I hope she would use the 10 days peace treaty to behave, but afterwards this peace may not last. It seems like everytime we talk, she always acts out at the beginning of the week, like her mood and anger outburtsts are on a cycle, so she may not last for the whole 10 days. I agree with your pastor that you did do the right thing and you pastor is someone that you trust, so take solace that you made the right decision. Just try to keep your distance from her and avoid talking to her, even on the radio too. This will help you in the long run. If she wants to talk to you, then let her go through the lawyers or your pastor.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

im sorry that's , kind of is a bummer, so you don't think, because if she cant behave nice, than its ugly divorce time and I have my lawyer go for the maximum , go for all he can get, ,, or she,s be manipulative to get what she wants in her past this has been her way?


 


 


 


 

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
If she has been manipulative in the past, then she may do so again, but I think it will be difficult for her to control her emotions and this will cause her to act out against you more. It may be an ugly divorce, I am sorry about that, but ugly divorces are usually typical when one spouse as untreated BPD. I wanted to hold off giving you this book, but this is the tell all tale of divorcing someone who has BPD because it will help prepare you and what to expect from her. It is a really good book and I encourage you to read it to help prepare you.

http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1380696328&sr=8-5&keywords=narcissistic+personality+disorder
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Im still working on the other, , but i will look into it, I guess I will be ready for the worst. I was kind of hoping we could behave ,and least part as friends as she has wanted before, is that now dead, because i do not want to , but i can be a real hard nosed person ,and take all the money she owes me and really make it hurt, do you is thinking this because she has stated i am going to do this, that she might do the opposite?

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I know you can be hard-nosed and take all the money she owes, but be the bigger man here, be the Godly man that I know you are. I think you should just take what is fair to you. Remember she is not in control of her actions as she should be because her disorder. I wish I could say that you both could be friends through this and after, but I do not think that it is possible without getting treatment for her unfortunately.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

ok Doc bed time ,,I will let you later ,,thank you,,good night sir ,,thank you Doc god bless ,,, pt

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
God Bless you as well. I hope you have a great rest of your week, and if you need anything please let me know
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5057
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Good Morning Dr Z , well its been a little over two weeks and there has been many twists and turns, I am still on the TRO, and another extension because of the system , last Saturday my wife out of the blue goes to church but not to go church but to seek out one of one of my friends, to return a old sprayer ,to him ,she tells him at 530pm that she needs to talk to him , they go around in the church golf cart picking up traffic cones , and telling him she left the house open unlocked ,garage open ,and things all over the yard she was having a yard sale, and to tell me she was not selling any thing of mine ,,,then she goes on and on how shes so very lonely, and she wishes this had not happen ?? with her head hung down, she never leaves the house open , not even to go next door, I was expecting her to change her mind on court ,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Good morning again,

Well there definitely has been twists and turns, I am so sorry that system caused the TRO to still be present, I know how you really want that to be gone. Leaving the house open and everything out in the yard is a sign of disorganization and like I said her emotional issues are most likely causing her to lose focus. Saying that she is lonely and that she wished this did not happen is a good sign, but remember she has said similar things like this before and then the next day she would turn on you, so be careful. Also in order for reconciliation to be successful she must be willing to go to therapy too, in order to help herself. She may still change her mind in court, but I would encourage her to talk about the necessary steps of reconciliation with one of the pastors to get some guidance on the issue.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

and in court her lawyer was a shark but I refused to back up instead I was strong and as polity assertive as she attacked , my wife was on the stand for almost 2 hours, very disorganized with all kinds of notes she kept loosing, and when was told that's all she kept talking , and you could see her loss on her face, but when it was my turn


I had 35 min , and I came up no notes, just me all squared away, I will get more time next Monday, but my lawyer says in my 30 min , I had much much more credibility than her , if I can do this Monday again , you I gave good concise answers and no hymns and haws, and , so I am told this is good for me because this is what the court wants, and then after my lawyer and I am talking to our self's and her lawyer comes up and starts just talking , i was not told to go so I did not ,, she goes on right after this they are dropping her for any further actions meaning the divorce , and such , her lawyer said shes just to hard to to deal with and does not know what she wants, so they are done with her ,, and out here it gets around fast when you a difficult client no one want you, so what next ??


 


 


 


 


 


 

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
That is good that you were so poised in court, I told you that you would have more credibility then her when you both testified on the stand. Her disorganization is to her inability to concentrate, focus, and think properly because of her emotional issues. Also the not able to decide what to do is a part of the mood swings from BPD Most likely the court will compel her lawyer or other lawyers to take on her case, for her benefit. If her lawyers do drop her than the case will be suspended and postponed until a new lawyer can be found for her though, so that means more time will pass, which may help her see that she needs therapy and that reconciliation is a better option. Now I want you to be careful here, because if she does seek reconciliation go slow with it, so that she does not try to take advantage of your kindness for her benefit.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

after the TRO case they are dropping her, whats interesting is Saturday night service she gave the pastor she deceived so much , something to give me, something of my late son's, a blanket, one we had in our dog box . it was folded washed , no dog Oder, and fixed up, this puzzles me ,this is not something I expected my thoughts are thinking because of my divorce papers are making her have second thoughts , this is the second week in a row she's made connections on how I am ,and something returned to me. I don't get this ??

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I agree, she is trying make a connection with you and she is not sure if she wants to proceed with the divorce. But in order to do so, she cannot make these small gestures, she will have to be clear with her intentions ans also she must seek out therapy too. I am sorry about your son, I did not know that you had a child pass away. It sounds like she chose this blanket to convince you that you have lost a lot already and that you do not deserve to lose more (e.g. her), but she forgets that this was her doing seeking a divorce. Remember when we talked about her feeling abandoned, well this is it here because she feels lonely and is having strong second thoughts about reconciling with you.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

the blanket was not just any blanket but his favorite one a spider man one ,,but I was the one who dropped the divorce papers ,,because of her attacks so next Monday I hope the TRO will be dismissed, and we can talk but am told we are now stuck in the league loop because of how the system is ,,and now it has to go all the way for the TRO, the divorce is a separate issue ,,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I agree, I hope the TRO will be removed soon too and I am sorry that system is dragging its feet on this issue. The divorce is a separate issue, but if you two can talk again that may help resolve some issues and questions that you are having. But when you do, just be careful and do not always take what she says at face value because she has manipulated in the past and I do not want to see your good nature get taken advantage of.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Should I expect more third party contact seeing as she can not contact directly ,, or try to do it in person out of desperation ,I do not think so because it put her in danger, but the way she is nonthinking reaction's I was told to stay off my radio ham stuff to make her more Hungary, for me, sort of but is still not wanting to sing off on my house , is there something to that too,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I do not think she will do any in person contact until the TRO is lifted, but yes I see no reason to not expect more third party contact from her. You can stay off your radio to make her miss you more, that is an option for you. The not wanting to sign off on your house is another possibility and this is why I want you to tread carefully so that she does not try to manipulate and take advantage of you. It seems like though everything is pointing in the direction that she regrets what she has done and wants to reconcile with you, but like we talked about she most seek out DBT therapy for your relationship to succeed in the future.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

you know what's funny when she showed up in court ,she was dressed really pretty like her like to look not an angry woman' but like we going on a date, but she still trying for a permanent restraining order, im not sure if that from her or her lawyer, as just another kill as it were,

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
It may be from her lawyer the permanent restraining order because her behavior has not be consistent with wanting a permanent restraining order and I think she wants to talk to when the TRO is lifted. She was probably dressed really pretty to try to impress you and the judge as well, so do not read into this too much and could be a way to try to manipulate too. Also individuals with BPD may try to look very pretty to hide their insecurities and emotional issues.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Ok Doc, I think I got the picture for now ,,and I will let you go for now ,,I was trying to just rest, but your comment about her using the blanket to remind me of my losses , and (e.g.) her also .. is interesting, like help me stop this . but i can not, this must wait for Monday to go away, p. s. I 've read both of the books , boy its a lot of stuff,, thank you DOC God bless , I will let you know Paul

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I wish you the best of luck Paul and I think she was using the blanket to symbolize losing you, and to make you think more about losing the marriage. I am glad that you found the books helpful, that is good news. I wish you the best Paul and I hope that you have a great rest of your week. If you need anything at all, you are more than welcome to contact me here at anytime. Gob Bless you too!
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Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Good morning Doc,Z,, well my wife is doing more normal stuff , is all our pastor can figure out, Oct 15 tax day ,,I called our CPA on the 14 Th ,and he at first she was going to file separate ,last Wednesday, ,but it became to hard, but she stopped, he and I spoke Monday ,he spoke about having me go separate ,he said if he could get a waiver signed by her, we he could, ,then he says let him make some phone calls, I had no idea the CPA called my i did not ask him me offered, her answer was yes, and as a matter a fact we should file together ,we always come out better, and we do better together and he said she sounded HAPPY, to do this like the old days ,


 


like I but a spark in her like I used to, so his response was happy he has known us 4 years ,and he said she was , and he said call him Tuesday, so OK,


i called him, by 3:00 pm she had it done ,and sent to him ,and e mail and fax its done, as the CPA spoke after she wants me to get my half of the tax return because its community property, she has never said or admitted this, now she told him all of our money is community property, even in the past, and she said we always did better when we had our money together and shared costs .


 


This is why she did not divorce me before she would have to divide in half every thing ,,its OK money is her thing , loving her is mine, but her saying we always did better together ,, is she coming back and realizing what happen, ???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Hello Paul,

Taxes are always a complicated matter. Its hard to say if by saying "we always did better together" means that you and her in a romantic relationship always did well together or that you both filing a joint tax return always did better, moneywise with the refund, is what she meant. I mean you were not on the phone call, your CPA was and he is the one that told you she was very happy, but that could mean she was happy that you and her are filing jointly like a married couple or she was happy that she does not have to file her taxes individually because she cannot do them. I would not read into this too much that she is coming back just yet and realizing that she is better off with you in her life because these incidents can be interpreted in different ways. Has she done anything else to possibly hint that she may want to reconcile with you?
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Her comments to him the CPA that all our monies are community property and that 1/2 are mine, and that is why she chose not to do this before ,,because shes got to much to loose, and we saved up better, our financial lives were better ,because money is a sore spot for a lot of people at any age, . shes taking at our church financial peace class at out church and her by her self with money tight and lawyers fees .I am thinking she seen the light of day but you may be right ,,but its always been money, and OK, I think she is not going to make it mortgage and bills, and we made a good team ,,because of her hand injury she going to have trouble working , ??

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
I agree that you both have made a good team together and you did help out a lot with certain tasks that she is unable to do. It is possible that she may be realizing that she cannot make it on her own because of these financial issues and she wants the financial security that you can provide. I would wait though to see if she makes any other gestures before thinking that she has "seen the light" as this is just one circumstance. I would like to see more evidence showing that she wants to continue the marriage and not do this on her own.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Ya ! I see the blanket , as a gesture, its just our hands are kind of tied, but in the last 4 Sundays in a row she has sent some kind of a message , even if it was tell me something, and I have a funny feeling shes seeing a new lawyer like before 4 years ago ,


and she told me that she found out a lot ,,besides I have a part of her house ,,making mortgage payments, repairs , helping her in her savings, I think shes finical disaster, and she will not be able to recover , but Monday will be it my lawyer wants 2 hours to couch me on what to say to end this, because


i am getting from our friends , shes tired of this and not wishing this happened, and so do I, ???

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Well you are right these are positive gestures that she wants to reconcile, but she will have to tell you that outright or through her lawyers for it to be official. Until she does that, you cannot do anything and your hands are tied right now. It appears that she is tired/exhausted and wants to reconcile, which is what you want, but do not forget that she needs the DBT treatment, so if says that she does not want a divorce I recommend DBT for both of you, you can be there as her support and she will feel like she is not going through this alone.
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Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5057
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Ok Dr Z,, I agree a little R and R ,,and we I pray this TRO ends ,and hope and faith ,love, through GOD will be there for us and a lot of patience I know i can do this thank yo again hooah m !! DOC God bless paul

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.
Definitely God will help see you through this and I hope His plan is to bring you two back together. I hope the TRO ends soon as well and I hope you have a great rest of your week. If you need anything, I am always here. God Bless :)

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