Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about your loss. I can understand why you feel this way, but only you know how overwhelming it has been for you to go through this tragic experience.
Grieving is a long term process that could take from several months to years, and that's why consistent sound support is necessary from your support system and from psychotherapy, including both, individual and group help. A support group could complement individual therapy, since this is never an easy process.
Have you written a letter to him?
One practice I invite my clients to do in these circumstances is to work on writing a letter to their spouse, and tell them everything you feel you need and want to share, from your fears and sadness, to your loneliness and hopes too; and to allow yourself to ven feelign embraced by his love and to reflect on what he'd want you to do right now in order to take good care of yourself. Then you woudl make a sacred commitment based on this experience and express it in this letter to him.
Then I invite you to allow yourself to mediate on this very core need and expectation he would have about you, and consider that the best way to honor and treasure the love, friendship and life that you built together is by fulfilling this core need and long of him, by taking consistent action and working on your own healing process from now on.
It doesn't matter, many time s people could feel that by handwriting they could more fully express their feelings and emotions, if that's your case choose that option. What matters is the core intention you put in it,a nd what follows this "sacred ritual", since it is about your love and commitment to each other.
You're very welcome. Please reflect on it, take your time, it does not have to be done fast, it is a process, you could work on it a little bit every day for a few days, until you feel satisfied with it, then make a ritual and offer this letter to him, as a commitment to take good care of yourself, honoring your love for each other. If you are a spiritual person, then empower this ritual with the healthiest essence of your spiritual beliefs, then embody them through consistent actions.