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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have been dating this guy for 6 years I found out over a

Customer Question

I have been dating this guy for 6 years I found out over a year ago he had a one night stand with my sister I was willing to forgive him and work things out as long as it never happen again and he told me that it was a mistake and it would not he said that I was his best friend and that he loved me I stood by him when no one else would he is in the military since he has been back from over seas over 5 years now I resently found out that he continue seeing my sister off and on for about a year but he hasn't this has been a over a year since he has had any contact with her I asked. Him why he did it he said he didn't didn't know. I asked him if he had feelings for her and he said yes that he fail for her lies but I said. You should of never went there anyway if you loved me and care for me. Like you said you would of never done that to me. But since all of this I also resently Found out he has been seeing this girl we both use to work with she is wild and likes to sleep around with diffrent men and tells ever one needless to say Iam no longer with him but Iam having a hard time dealing all of this could you please tell me mental what type of a person dose this and act like its ok then has the never to want me to still be his friend I told him to go to hell he was crazy could you please give me some advice on how to cope with all of this thanks Linda.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No matter how much a person may try to justify this pattern of dysfunctional behavior, it's obvious how distorted his personality and behavior had got, and this is not about an isolated episode, an accident, but a very serious issue happening for long period of time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not guess about people, there is no way to know for sure which disorders he may have based on your story. It"d take a close evaluation to find out, but I can say that these issues are rooted in personality disorders, that the person knows very well what he's bee doing, and that he may have felt empowered by his neglectful and abusive actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's about dishonesty and manipulation, and a morbid pleasure from betraying a person in your shoes, who has invested affection, trust an part of her life in a relationship for this long.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see you have been in the chat but without replying, and it seems obvious to me that it is the chat's technical problems what may have been limiting our communication. I'd change from chat to postings in order to make sure we can dialogue.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Rafael M.T.Therapist : I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : No matter how much a person may try to justify this pattern of dysfunctional behavior, it's obvious how distorted his personality and behavior had got, and this is not about an isolated episode, an accident, but a very serious issue happening for long period of time.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : I do not guess about people, there is no way to know for sure which disorders he may have based on your story. It"d take a close evaluation to find out, but I can say that these issues are rooted in personality disorders, that the person knows very well what he's bee doing, and that he may have felt empowered by his neglectful and abusive actions.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : It's about dishonesty and manipulation, and a morbid pleasure from betraying a person in your shoes, who has invested affection, trust an part of her life in a relationship for this long.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : I can see you have been in the chat but without replying, and it seems obvious to me that it is the chat's technical problems what may have been limiting our communication. I'd change from chat to postings in order to make sure we can dialogue.

I hope yo can read and reply now. Thank you for your patience.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.
He expects you to forgive him or to be his friend out of the very same distorted core that led him to betray you all this time. When a person has personality and mental health disorder like he does, they would avoid taking real responsibility for their actions, try to blame other people for what they feel, choose and do, presenting themselves as victims and not as the perpetrators they are.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.
He expects you to forgive him or to be his friend out of the very same distorted core that led him to betray you all this time. When a person has personality and mental health disorder like he does, they would avoid taking real responsibility for their actions, try to blame other people for what they feel, choose and do, presenting themselves as victims and not as the perpetrators they are. They would keep their abusive ways as long as the other person happens to trust them, giving them more chances to repair their mistakes.

Unhappily there is no way to know in advance that the person you are dating and loving is not being honest and real. Most people would be misled by his words, feelings and the way he could manipulate. But once you find out what he did the very first time, this should always be taken as a concrete issue telling you the person you are dating is not trustworthy, does not have the values, commitment neither even the respect and maturity to be in an adult relationship. When a first episode this serious happens, people in your shoes need to be very clear that this could be the point of the iceberg and not an accident, thus take every possible precautions in order to protect yourself and find out more and better about the real person you are dating.

Does it make sense? Let me send it and I will continue just for you to know I am here replying and ready to hear from you.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.
When you forgave him the first time, you were being consistent with the love and trust you offered from the very beginning, and truly believed he deserved it. You had no way to prevent the first episode, but one it happens again, then that was the confirmation this person did not deserve you but was using you to fulfill his distorted ego.

This is very and and frustrating, but happens more than people may imagine, and this is why we all need to be very careful not to offer nor keep our trust to anybody unless they proof by concrete actions in time that they truly deserve it.

Some people with personality disorders are expert manipulators, and this is why it could take while and a lot of pain to find out how wrong it could have got behind your back. This is why you need to be extra patient, understanding, gentle and supportive with yourself, specially when undergoing painful situations like this, since they are not your fault, you were the victim. But now you can work on your own healing and become stronger and even wiser from it, and nobody would be able to abuse you this way any more. Now you know.

Please take your time to heal from it, ideally I do always suggest individual psychotherapy or counseling to work on your healing process, for this to remain not only as a painful memory but as a helpful experience allowing you to take better care of yourself in future relationships. Processing the emotional pain is essential in order to heal, and that's why psychotherapy and counseling are so important. Many times people get very traumatized by experiences like this, and they undermine future relationships, and that's something you do not need nor deserve at all.

I hope this help. Thank you for your trust and please take gentle care and feel free to contact me.

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