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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4419
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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My aldest daugher had axiety and depression 5 years ago. She

Resolved Question:

My aldest daugher had axiety and depression 5 years ago. She suddenly changed when she moved to another state. Then she changed completely several times depending on what people she has aroun. Trying to undestand what is going to her since she is copying her friends and changing her behavier I think she has copycat syndrom. Can you help to undestand how I can help her? I am afraid that she can be manipulated very easily
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 10 months ago.

Dr. Z. :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z. :

I am sorry that your daughter is exhibiting these symptoms, I can imagine how distressing this is for you.

Dr. Z. :

May I ask you a couple questions to get some more information, so I can give you the best answer.

Dr. Z. :

You mentioned that your daughter had a few sessions with a therapist, when was her last session with a therapist?

Dr. Z. :

Also does she use any psychotropic medications for her depression and anxiety at all?

Customer:

her several sessions were 3 years ago. They were related to her sexual orientation change. When she chan

Customer:

her first copycat behavier was that I notice was when she broke up with her boy friend

Customer:

and desided to take a break from her work and do the road trip and find the job in New Orleans

Customer:

she told me that she need some time to find out what she wants to do in her life. She worked very hard before her trip and decision and got accepted to PD program

Customer:

she graduated from UC berkeley with 2 major : Statistics and COgnitive since

Customer:

honer diploma

Dr. Z. :

Well the copycat behavior that you mentioned is usually a sign of low self-confidence, associated with depression typically, and she is copying others that she looks up to and envies to model their behavior and be like them. Basically she has no confidence in her own abilities or characteristics

Customer:

I think she overworked and got depression

Dr. Z. :

That is very impressive of her college degrees

Customer:

it looks exactly like this

Customer:

she leaved in New orlean with a lesbian roommate and told me in 6 month that she is gay as well

Customer:

and got herself belive in this - but I knew that she didn't have any pattern for being gay

Customer:

then she was with a man that had a lot of tattues and got a tatoo on her chest

Customer:

next she was with an other man and got married him because he needed it

Customer:

and copied a lot of his behavier

Dr. Z. :

So her depression definitely caused her low self-esteem and this caused her to be what she felt other wanted her to be. This would explain her pattern of behavior. If she was what other wanted her to be then they would like her and accept her. She was not confident that they would like and accept her as she is normally.

Customer:

now she is in Russia met my nefew who manipulate her and she behave exactily like him

Customer:

who wants marry her and get her working for him. She told me that she doesn't want me to meet her

Customer:

until he allows her

Customer:

She didn't take any medication

Customer:

only supplimental like St. John worth if I spelled it correctly

Dr. Z. :

Well she would have to go back into therapy or she can try her self-help therapy in the form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which can be very effective in helping increase her self-confidence and lowering her symptoms of depression

Dr. Z. :

St. Johns Wort is a good supplement for depression, but she does need therapy to help cure it

Customer:

How can I convince her that she needs a treatment?

Dr. Z. :

I would like to recommend these two books for your daughter that are very effective in helping with depression

Customer:

THanks but she would not read

Dr. Z. :

Well it would be hard to convince her, she would have to go willingly. But you can tell her that you believe she still may have some confidence issues and that talking to a therapist may help.

Customer:

I already provided her Danial Aman books

Dr. Z. :

Why would she not read them?

Customer:

and she didn't read. I think she lost some ability to be focused and losing her intelegence.

Dr. Z. :

Yeah Daniel Aman is not that reliable actually and his neuroimaging clinics are facing shutdown and sanctions by the FDA, so I would not use those books by him

Dr. Z. :

The books I recommended actually have step-by-step techniques which are effective and CBT is the most evidence based therapy in the world

Customer:

ok - the reason she didn't read is that she is in Denial

Customer:

she only once in New Orleans was accepting her pure state

Customer:

she called me and told that she might have Bipolar

Dr. Z. :

Being in denial will make it difficult for her then, because like I said she cannot be forced into therapy or forced to use therapeutic techniques.

Dr. Z. :

Well if she believes that she may have Bipolar disorder, would she be open to prescription medication?

Customer:

What can I do to help her? It is very hard to see that she is changing so much

Customer:

I don't think so. Later she told me that may be she was wrong on saying this.

Customer:

at that time she was really all in gay mood

Dr. Z. :

All you can do is support her and make suggestions for her, but ultimately she will have to make the final choice and voluntarily seek help. I would keep getting her the books and sending him to her, and it will be her choice if she wants to read them, but at least she has them

Customer:

and was saying that she is a "Boy"

Customer:

and even thinking of making the plastic operation

Customer:

now she is not looking into it since she has been copiyng my nefew

Dr. Z. :

Well she definitely has low self-confidence and identity issues. Well with that gender reassignment surgery she would be required to see a therapist for a certain amount of time, so that can help her at least

Customer:

who wants to marry her to come to US

Customer:

she is not thinking about gender reassignment anymore

Customer:

she leaves with my brother's son

Customer:

who wants to marry her. My brother past away 15 years ago.

Dr. Z. :

Okay, well she sounds like she is definitely confused about her identity. You can try convincing her to go to a life coach, not necessarily a therapist, to help with her identity and give her direction in life.

Customer:

So he cannot help me. My nefew doesn't work but he is pretty manipulative and wants to take advantage of her

Dr. Z. :

It sounds like your nephew is taking advantage of her and it is easy to take advantage of someone who has low self-esteem

Customer:

now her coach is my nefew who is 6 month older than her. He was showing her the respect" and tells her a lot of chearful things which is good

Customer:

but I know him well enough and had some emails with him where it is very clear that he has some special interest in getting moneys

Customer:

and getting into US

Dr. Z. :

So he is manipulating and using her, which is not good for your daughter

Customer:

Now when I want meet them they are refusing to meet me

Customer:

I know. I just need a help on how I can find a way to help her

Customer:

i know and he has support from his mom and sister who had a lot of issue with him and now are glad that he has my dauter who has a good 'records"

Dr. Z. :

I know it is difficult to see your daughter like this and that you feel helpless because you cannot help her, but your daughter is at an age where she has to help herself now. You can provide all the support that she needs, but it is up to her if she want to seek help, no one can force her

Customer:

she told me that she will seize any communications with us for 6 years

Dr. Z. :

If you push her though, it will just cause her to be more resistant, so your daughter will have to go to you

Dr. Z. :

This is her being resistant to you and your help, I think your daughter will have to make a few mistakes along the way on her own, until she realizes that she needs help.

Customer:

if we don't accept him. But I cannot accept him = I don't think it is a right message for her

Customer:

OK

Customer:

DO you think that I should stay on my moral and not accept my nefew

Dr. Z. :

You do not have to accept him. You can tell her that you think this is not good for her, but that you know you cannot convince her, you just hope that she makes the right decision.

Dr. Z. :

This way you are still stating your preference, but giving her the choice.

Customer:

I did the same on "gay" thing since I knew for sure it was not what she thought at that time

Customer:

I told this to her

Customer:

my fear is that she can repeat the history of my brother

Customer:

who was "A" student and had a very successful businessman

Customer:

he cheated a lot but my nefew mom accepted it since he provided a lot of wealth at that time

Dr. Z. :

I think if you demand that she not do anything with nephew it will just push her away. State that you think this is not right, but say that the decision is up to her. Also you have to say that when she thinks she needs help with anything that she can come to you

Customer:

when he got into the trouble she left him to die

Customer:

ok

Dr. Z. :

I am sorry about your brother, that must have been hard for you

Customer:

DO I need to tell her the true story of how my brother died

Dr. Z. :

I do not think it will make a difference for her, but you can try

Customer:

I didn't telll it to her of my nefew before since I didn't them being hurt

Customer:

do you think it make sence"

Dr. Z. :

I understand, but she may think you have an ulterior motive of telling her now and that can cause resentment and resistance by her

Customer:

My nefew sent me a lot of "F" words in email

Dr. Z. :

Wow, that is pretty rude of him

Customer:

when I told him what I wish he will be and not be.

Customer:

Yes and I didn't forward this email to her because I didn't want her to get unstable

Dr. Z. :

Well I think you should definitely limit your conversations just with your daughter after that email

Customer:

yes and I don't know if I should forward it to her

Customer:

The issue is that she is using his email now when she communicate to me

Dr. Z. :

You can forward it to her and just ask her to tell him to be more respectful to you. You do not have to say anything else, but she should see this email

Dr. Z. :

Oh, then he is definitely controlling her, then do not send the email

Customer:

Initially I was not sure if it was him writing all this recent emails and I used her email to reply

Customer:

yes and I am just got confused completely what to do now

Customer:

what will help me to help her and what make it worth

Dr. Z. :

Well right now, I would not forward the email and just respond to your daughter's email

Customer:

i do respond to my daughter's email but the reply to my email is coming from his email

Dr. Z. :

Right now your daughter can only help herself. this means she will have to make her own mistakes and learn from them unfortunately.

Customer:

it like the game they are playing

Dr. Z. :

If she chooses not to help herself, then that is her choice and there is nothing you can do stop her from making this choice.

Customer:

do i need just stop all conversation with her?

Customer:

for 6years?

Customer:

as she asked or accept their demand which is "ASK to forgive me"

Dr. Z. :

You do not have to stop conversation with her at all, but you do not have to support her decisions either. You can say that you will always love her, but that you think she is making a mistake.

Dr. Z. :

Although you know that the decision is up to her in the end

Customer:

yes. I think accepting their demand provide her with wrong Message and can lead to the wrong directions.......

Dr. Z. :

Yes you can say that you do not think she is making a good decision, but acknowledge that the decision is hers

Customer:

i just really worry about her and her ability to sort the things out

Customer:

i am aksing to meet with me for 3 reasons

Dr. Z. :

I know you do, but your daughter is an adult and will have to make some mistakes in life so she can learn from them

Customer:

discuss her decision of stopping contact with us for 6year, I have her car that need to be transrered to me so I can fix it and 3d one I miss her

Customer:

and they are bargining with me now

Customer:

and don't want to meet. I am narrowed down to the famili business of signing the transfer forms

Dr. Z. :

Just tell her that you do not want to stop talking with her for 6 years and that you will not push her about her decisions anymore and let her make her own decision, but that you will be there if she needs any advice or support.

Dr. Z. :

For the car, you can ask her about it and see when she wants to sign it over, that is more of a business thing though

Customer:

she tells me that she doesn't have time for this

Dr. Z. :

Well I think she is just mad at you and that is why she said that. If you say the part that you will respect her decisions, not always agree with them, but respect that they are her decisions, then she may be more receptive about the car

Customer:

and when I say her that it takes minimal time and I need her support she doesn't hear me and show disrespect

Customer:

my problem is that I don't respect this decision

Dr. Z. :

You do not have to respect the decision, but you can respect that it is her decision to make

Customer:

and I think that when I say I respect her decision they will interprete that I accept my nefew which I cannot. Should I lie for the sake of my daughter health?

Dr. Z. :

No you should not lie and just say that you respect that it is her decision to make, but that you not agree with the decision.

Dr. Z. :

But just leave it at that unless she asks for more reason why

Customer:

So the key is that I should show her respect

Dr. Z. :

Yes show her respect, that will help your relationship

Customer:

right? doesn't matter what decision she takes.

Dr. Z. :

From what it sounds like, she will not make the right decision, but she will have to learn from these mistakes.

Customer:

but if she her decision are harmful to her.. I really will lie if I will tell that I respect her making that decision

Customer:

is it a right thing to do?

Customer:

Will it help her?

Dr. Z. :

No you are not lying, you are saying that you respect her ability to make a decision about her own life, but that you may not agree with that decision. This is a sign of respect not agreement with the decision

Customer:

ok - it is a better wording that I can use

Customer:

although I really don't think that she has this ability

Customer:

what should i do with my nefew ?

Dr. Z. :

There is not much you can do to help your daughter right now because she will not listen and she will not seek help, so the best thing you can do is to just tell her that you respect her decision, but not necessarily agree with it.

Dr. Z. :

I would try to ignore the nephew for as long as possible, just concentrate on your daughter.

Customer:

but he is conrtrolling her

Dr. Z. :

She is letting him control her. Once again your daughter has to help herself, you cannot influence this or she will just push you away

Dr. Z. :

The best thing for you to do is not get that involved, unless your daughter involves you

Customer:

my daugher is not taking much... I will try your advise so you advise to show her "RESPECT" this is the key

Customer:

ok - it is hard.. especially when she already did several rounds

Dr. Z. :

I know its hard, but your daughter has to do this on her own, or she will push you out of her life for a long time

Dr. Z. :

and you do not want that

Customer:

my issue is that I start feeling less for her seeing what kind of person she is becoming

Dr. Z. :

I know you do and I know its hard, but this is the best plan

Customer:

sometimes i feel that i don't want to her and she doesn't deserve

Customer:

ok - last question

Customer:

if you can answer.

Dr. Z. :

Sure, but we may to have to wrap it up quickly because we have been on for over an hour

Customer:

I aksed in my email : "are you afraid of meeting with me"

Dr. Z. :

What is your question

Customer:

and she answered "NO. I meet with you if my older brother allow me this meeting. you hurt his mom and grandma"

Customer:

how should I reply?

Dr. Z. :

Well she is trying to dictate terms with you and that shows you no respect, so say that you will promise not bring up any of her bad decisions, but that you want to see her 1 on 1.

Customer:

and if she refuse then i just accept it

Customer:

right and not meet with her , right" I can try to get her address from other source and still meet with her

Customer:

but i don't think it will help

Customer:

what do you think?

Dr. Z. :

No I would not go to her address uninvited, but say that you are her mother and that you deserve this respect to meet her 1 on 1, if she does not agree, then try to make a reasonable compromise that both of you can agree on.

Customer:

I tried this and got this answer

Customer:

does it mean that i don't have any choice expept let it go as is

Dr. Z. :

Well sure let it go as is because you do really want to see her

Customer:

meaning that I cannot see her during my trip to Russia since her oldest brother doesn't wish it

Customer:

since he afraid i can help her

Customer:

is it what I should do? I am not clear:( I want to see her during this visit since I think it is my chance to help her

Dr. Z. :

I do not think you can help her and if you push trying to help her then it will just push her away because she has made it very clear that she does not think she needs help unfortunately. If you want to see her, then just follow her terms on how to see her while in Russia

Customer:

ok - thanks; what would you do in this case?

Customer:

see her or not see her?

Customer:

given the info that I provided to you?

Dr. Z. :

You can try to see her, but do not say that she is making a bad decision or that she needs therapy.

Dr. Z. :

That will just push her away

Customer:

so you advise to accept all conditions and see her, right?

Dr. Z. :

Yes, that can show her that you are going to respect her decisions

Customer:

ok - thanks. I'll think about it... I don't respect her decisions and don't want to provide the wrong message. may be i am stupid

Dr. Z. :

You do not have to respect her decision, but your respect her individuality to make the decision

Customer:

good night.

Dr. Z. :

Best of luck to you and good night as well :)

Dr. Z. :

Oh and also when you finish rating me, this chat will be sent as a link to your email, if it has not already, so you can always use it for future reference

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4419
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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