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Hello I believe I can help you with your concern
I am so sorry that your husband is treating your this way, I can imagine how distressing this is for you.
I would like to ask a few questions, so that I can get some more information and give you the best answer possible.
When did you accept this call from an ex that started this behavior of his?
Also before this, did you husband ever have any self-esteem issues at all?
Also does your husband ever expect constant praise in his work or other parts of his life at all?
Well judging by by your husband's behavior I believe he may have developed Narcissistic Personality Traits (NPD) as an over compensation to his low self-confidence. This is why he was so jealous and reacted the way he did to you, why he was not responsive to therapy because he thought he was better than the therapist, and why he verbally abuses you. Here is a good link explaining NPD in more detail for you
Many individuals have this disorder as a firm personality disorder, but I believe your husband only has traits of this disorder and not necessarily the whole disorder, which is good because that means he will respond better to treatment
The only way to get him appropriate treatment would be for him to stick with therapy, and typically the best therapist for this type of disorder is one who practices Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). The treatment will be intensive for these symptoms, but I think this is a response to low self-esteem that may have been enacted by you accepting a call from your "ex," but I think his low self-esteem has been more long term, but he has had a good control of it, until now.
Here are some good books about NPD in relationships as well
I do have to mention that if his jealousy continues and gets worse, he will start to try to control you and your movements so that he will always know where you are. Individuals with NPD do have jealousy issues and do not take rejection well either. Also when he convinced you to come back by going to therapy, but he stopped going after 4 session is a sign that he was trying to manipulate which can be a symptom of NPD as well.
This is definitely more long term then I originally thought and I think this is a strong personality disorder, which is not the best news because individuals with this personality disorder typically do not do well in therapy. Therapy is not as successful with individuals who have been diagnosed with NPD because they feel that there is nothing wrong with them, but that everything is wrong with everyone else.
This disorder may have occurred after he started dating you because your strong personality made him more self-conscious and this caused the disorder to emerge. We do not fully understand why individuals have NPD or why it occurs at different times in a person's life, but we do know an individuals self-esteem is tied to this. Now some individuals with NPD do respond to treatment, but your husband would have to be motivated to change in order to respond to therapy. If you do leave him, I encourage you to read this book as this will give insight on leaving someone with NPD.
With NPD, the jealousy sometimes takes over and this is why your husband is so focused on the past. In addition, since you left him for 3 weeks, he may still be feeling rejected and this is why he has antagonistic attitude towards you
This is why CBT works so well for individuals with the NPD because it only focuses on the present and not the past or future. A key concept of CBT is "the here and now" which reminds the individual to only focus on the present
Like I said individuals with NPD, like your husband, may not respond well to therapy unless extremely motivated. So the odds are not in your favor and he may not change his behavior, which would be problem for you I can imagine. You may have to consider leaving him unfortunately unless he goes to intensive therapy
Are you still there?
I see that you are offline right now, but when you get back online I would be very interested in continuing this discussion with you and talking about anything further you would like to share regarding your concern, so if you respond in the chat box I will be able to get back to you as soon as possible.
Thank you, this is confirmation of what I've thought all along.
Anytime, I happy to confirm for you. Is there anything else I can do for you?
no, not at this time. Since I've been ignoring him for the last 4 days, he's been the sweetest man trying to get me to talk to him, he even went to church with me and the kids today. I know in my heart of what is needed, and it's a matter of me making sure he starts going to counseling or it will be like this for the rest of my marriage..a roller coaster.
I agree, if he goes to counseling it will at least give your marriage a good chance to avoid this roller coaster and help him manage his behavior better. He was acting sweet, but it may not be sincere and long lasting, as you know, so do not be fooled by it.
Would you like me to search for therapists in your area?
I know, I have my guard up and luckily have a great support system of family and friends. Yes, if you can refer some marriage therapist and a therapist that can treat his condition that would be great. My zip code is 91790.
Sure give me a few minutes to compile a list. Would you like two different therapists (one for couples counseling and one for just him and his NPD) or would you like one therapist to do couples counseling and individual counseling?
i have to log off, but I will check for the list when I log back on tomorrow. thank you again.
Sure no problem
So this is the only therapist in your area that specializes with NPD and can also provide couples counseling as well.
And these ones have specialties in helping couples and treating personality disorders (although they do not specifically say NPD)
These are the best ones that have specialties with relationship issues, can possibly provide couples counseling, and have experience working with personality disorders as well. So I think these ones will help you the most.
I hope these referrals help you and your husband, and if you have any questions or concerns please feel free to contact me at anytime.