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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4277
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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my partner wants to break up. I was able to be open and share

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my partner wants to break up. I was able to be open and share with him calmly as normally i am not. He listened. During our exchange of words via phone he said to me to give him a call back at 10 if i wanted to continue the conversation. Why would he want to continue the consternation if he wasnt interested in possibly making it work? Im the kind of woman that tends to be the persuer and he the distancer. DO you have some tips for my call tonight to help mend this situation?
Anyone with Dr. infront of your tag would be great to get advise from you.
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 10 months ago.

Dr. Z. :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z. :

I am sorry that your partner wants to break up with you, I can imagine how that can make you sad and distressed.

Dr. Z. :

It sounds like that the reason he wanted you to give him 10 minutes to call back was because he may be considering staying together, but wanted to think about it by himself or that he may have been busy and wanted to give you his undivided attention.

Dr. Z. :

I would love to give you some tips tonight, if are not already talking to him, but I would like to know why does he want to break up with you?

Customer:

oh we spoke it was around 7pm my time when we hung up and then before hand he said I can call him at 10 pm tonight which will be an hour from now

Dr. Z. :

Okay so you still have an hour till you have to call him, I thought you meant 10 minutes for you to call him back.

Customer:

I have some time. We have been together for almost 6 years off and on due to our communication differences, past hurts, sexual issues etc.

Customer:

He says hes tired of being miserable and wants to be happy. He said I dont listen to him when he wants to break it off. He doesnt like the clinginess but I get that way because I can feel him detatching or ignoring me.

Customer:

he have bad backgrounds in the sense that I lost my mother young and he didnt have his father around.

Customer:

he says he wants connection, intimacy he wants that passion, fire, flame....I want the same too. Our communication has been hard because I feel as if he isnt listening to me and he feels im not listening ot him. the way I communicate is through anger and crying he distances

Dr. Z. :

So it sounds like you both have communication issues that causes misunderstandings, have you conisdered couples counseling at all to help you both bridge this communication gap? Which by the way miscommunication is the most common reason couples break up

Customer:

i go to therepy he does his own self improvement. i feel if he could commit then yes he may go in to counseling

Customer:

what r some tips i need to know in order to have this go posativly.

Customer:

like right now i have a fear of calling and a fear he wont answer and a fear it will go badly

Dr. Z. :

Okay, well some tips you have to do is to not blame him for anything and not blame yourself. You want to use "we" alot in the conversation, to make it sound like you both are a team in this together.

Customer:

we ok i can do this

Dr. Z. :

You should not have a fear of calling because he did give you a time to call, unless he is the kind of guy that will tell you to call at a certain time, but ignores the phone

Customer:

he claims he is not sexually attracted to me however 2 weeks ago we had amazing lovemaking session 2 hrs long it was passionate and intense...is that possible with someone who isnt attracted to you

Customer:

i dont know if he will ignore it or not

Dr. Z. :

You will also have to listen to everything he says and not react in a negative way, like its a personal attack. No that is not usually possible, most likely he is physically sexually attracted to you, but there are some personality issues that he may not find attractive.

Dr. Z. :

What was the day like with you two when you had your amazing love making session? Did you two really get a long that day?

Customer:

I was trying to talk to him about our relationship. He was ignoring me or keeping himself busy so to speak. It was giving me anxiety. then finally when we spoke i was so tired and frusterated i was upset. he said we shouldnt be togehter that he has told me this for the longest time i dont listen. we need to not be together he needs intimacy passion, more etc. im saying i was the same he then says im being manipulative im then say hes being mean etc. then we break up i hug him say to him never feel bad for how you feel. I start to massage his neck while hes at his desk he says im going to miss this then i took him upstairs and we ended up having sex. the afterwards he was calm and myself and we were able to talk about things.

Dr. Z. :

So out of curiosity is sex one of those things you two really connect well on? Like it sounds like you have a lot of miscommunication in other areas of your relationship, but is physical intimacy one of those things were you two fit perfectly?

Customer:

no

Customer:

lately it has gotten better sexually

Customer:

also i have gotten better at communicating with him better

Dr. Z. :

So it sounds like once you started to listen to and validate his feelings is when you had the amazing love making session and he felt communication was getting better between you two. I think if you listen to him more and not react to what he says, it will have a positive effect, but somethings he says frustrates you and this causes you to react. I think this worksheet can help you not react as much to what he says and will help you be more calm and assertive, which can promote conversation, which is what he wants.

Customer:

?

Dr. Z. :

Well I think once you started to validate his feelings and say that it is okay he does not have to apologize for how he was feeling, helped him get closer to you because you acknowledged that his feelings were his and they were not wrong

Dr. Z. :

This is what helped him get closer to you emotionally right before that love making session and then you started to massage him. Without you saying that he would not have responded to your massage the way he did.

Dr. Z. :

Now before that though you were reacting to what he said with anger because you were upset and this led to a communication breakdown which pushes him away. That worksheet may help you not react in such a way, but still allow you to communicate your frustrations in a more open and assertive way for the future.

Dr. Z. :

I think if you tell him that you are going to listen more to him and say that you will not emotionally react in the way that he accuses you of doing, but instead you will voice your concerns assertively can help your relationship. Because I would not want you to keep things bottled up and just listen as that would not be fair to you

Dr. Z. :

Did that make sense at all?

Dr. Z. :

Are you still there?

Dr. Z. :

I am assuming you are already on the phone with your boyfriend. So you should also mention to him that you would like for him and you to go to couples counseling to enhance their communication, because the communication is there, but not all the time and that you want to improve the consistency of the communication with him.

Dr. Z. :

I also think these two books are very helpful as well

Customer:

hello?

Dr. Z. :

Yes, can you still see this chat

Dr. Z. :

?

Dr. Z. :

Or are you seeing nothing right now?

Customer:

ok well i will try now thank you

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4277
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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