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Hi, Im just answering your other question you sent earlier this morning.
I am so sorry that she is not allowing you to be present to move out
I think she is trying to promote an anger reaction in you by not allowing you to be present to move your stuff out because the plan for awhile was for you to be present, but she impulsively just changed it to make you angry.
well kind of upset not angry ,,but what I was told told one thing and you change, and I am thinking there is something she does not want me to see ??
There might be something she does not want you to see, I do not know what that would be though. What do you think she does not want you to see?
that the house is torn up trying to get my things out , maybe tearing up the carpet, a friend said he saw and alarm sign outside and shes too cheap to but one that is what she did a few years ago ,,just bought the sign, and she knows what to look for ,fir real os b/s, and the place is not being kept up, or is she trying to put me behind her ,so it does not invoke her attachment for me??
She could have vandalized some of your things in an angry rage, that is definitely possible. It is also that she is trying to not see you to avoid being attached to you, but I still think she is doing this to maintain control and try to make you angry.
I think she is trying to force your hand by making you so angry that go over there anyway. She is probably trying to get under your skin to provoke a reaction from you
I'm not going to get mad, as best as I can, but the Pastor will be there, he will have a map ,and items and where to find them ,I am concerned ,,for me the harder I try to forget and not think the more I remember the wonderful times, and hard, ones, and my feelings are deep, now I found on my phone pictures of hers we went to florida, and she used my phone fro about 40 pics, and when our grandmother person was very sick she too 40 pics, to copy these, so I told her Attorney, to tell hers if she wants them , or I will delete them , I think I have a very interesting position but what ?
I know that you are remembering the good times with her because you do miss her and care for her, but do not forget that their bad times to, especially with her behavior. I think you are doing a respectable thing by keeping the pictures and telling her lawyer about them. Hopefully your pastor will be able to make some conversations with her and ask why she did not want you there, to at least give you some insight on what she is thinking. This was something I did not think she would do because there were going to be other people there, so I know she is not afraid of you, but I think that she is angry with you for moving away (even though that is her fault) and she is trying to make you angry now.
so how do we reverse this, and her pictures are of her family past up to 100 years ago, should I sort of utilise them to my advantage without malice, like lets be adults as we say play ball, you said she needs a shock or attention getting thing to sort of snap her to reality something like that ? plus will it allow her to see I could have just deleted them and then told her ,but respecting her personal history ,???
I do not think that using the pictures to your advantage would be wise. Lets wait to hear back from the lawyers first and see what they say about the pictures, but I would remove the pictures on the phone and put them on a thumb drive if you can. If you really do want to use this to your advantage, you can demand that you give them to her in person with your pastor present, since she trusts him, then she can at least see you are genuine in your feelings for her.
ok I can do that ,,,,so today they have maps and radios, I will be down the street, and my proper distance, with a witness, to insure all is right and I am respecting her space, but you said she is not afraid of me than how to we deal with the I left her when the pastor said take a day or so ,I really did not but then she said go, and i see my mistake, but is see her and I pray she will wake up ????
She may wake up eventually when she realizes that these tactics are not provoking a response in you like she wants. Just because you left her does not mean that she is afraid of you, she is just angry with you right now because she is angry with herself for losing you. Individuals with BPD frequently project their internal anger to others
ok so court is in two weeks to day ,,her lawyer says her order is fluff and so does mine, and groundless ,,he says the judge will very likely toss it out, ? but she has said is reconciliation is not in consideration , but is this is no just or just buying time ,, and the divorce may very well be a reality ,,but how far will she go ??? you see we have to have to peace talks, face to face , so now I'm a bit worried,
I think this is her buying time based on her behavior, but I do think she would have to see you to even consider reconciliation. Her putting a distance from you makes it easier for her to go through with the divorce because she is trying to lessen the attachment with you by not seeing you. If you do have "peace talks" face to face, this may lead her more towards reconciliation eventually, but it may take some time.
it seems be less an less in my favor ,bummer, but how do I reverse her perception that I was doing what the pastors gugusted for our good, trying to escalate our dumb argument, is there an off switch for her, do you think she ripped up or broke my items ,??? I should give up hope or what , and when should itell her I sold my old house .??
I do not think you should give up just yet, there is still some hope at reconciliation. You cannot reverse her perception of you, that she will have to find on her own. Just be understanding, caring, and yourself and hopefully she will see that eventually. Discuss with your lawyer when it would be a good time to talk about the house, or possible her lawyer should tell her about the house.
ok supposedly she has my stuff in boxes ,but my pastor says the court order says that we have final say ,,I have only so much space and she wants it all out, my lawyer, says take what on the list and she will have to deal with the rest and a later time ..and I think it will cause more anger or less, and she will have to put back ,or trip over it in the garage. and will show her I'm not going ant where, and she will see this ???
I think you should take only what you need and leave the rest for a later date to be dealt with. It may cause more anger in her because she will be reminded of what she is about to lose, so she will start to blame herself. And you are right it will show her that you are not going anywhere just yet, so that she still has time for reconciliation if she chooses that route with you.
boy Doc this is kind if confusing ,If i did not have the book I'd be lost, a friend of mine his wife was doing exactly the same things, because of the children he told her to get out ,,she was gone two plus months, and she called and they dated for a couple of weeks ,,and they are still good, is this different or am I on a longer road??
It is very confusing because her impulsivity and mood swings are severe. This is probably different and most likely will take longer for her to see reconciliation because she is stubborn and very confused as well. I think you will get there, but it will still take time.
ok, months, years ??? what's funny our church is good size ,and it has its own counseling section even for non christians ,,and I have asked the department head should I sign up for the next divorce workshop , and after a few calls he has not answered me and I know hes gotten my request, am I missing something ,he knows and I don't??? because he did speak with my wife this past monday nite this is when i bumped into her, and one of her helps in this area , but with this going on and a possible divorce , a 3 timer, i'm not sure if in the midst of this she can still be objective,?? am I not getting the hint ??
Most likely this would resolve in months, definitely will not last for years. I would not read in too much with the divorce workshop, the person responsible may just be busy and hasnt returned your phone call because of that. I think you have to continue living your life as you have been and try not to be concerned with possible hints or not because you may be reading into things that are not there, hoping to see something.
yes I understand my going on is important, but once she has all my things out ,will she have eyes fixed on the divorce, and her self, and saying goodbye, or do you she wants control again in her life ,and see something's missing, the old man, like maybe by nov/dec.???
It is hard to say at this point because her impulsivity and mood swings are high right now. I would say that she will start to miss you by the next month at least and then she will start to initiate conversations with you, which will confuse you a lot because her behavior changed dramatically again. So I think right now she is fixed on divorce because she in angry, but that may change in a month as she gets closer to that reality.
ok thank you ,,but i'm thinking both, but I see what youre saying, and will be open and not hostile, but loving, I see this has happened before, but much smaller, it took 2 to 3 weeks, and I and her were, us, I have that funny hunter feeling, that she will circle around, and come and seek me out ? I've seen this in before in other ladies i've dated, they call later after breaking up and two months later see how i'm doing and ask if i'm seeing someone else and if not would you like to talk ,,,does this make sense ??
Yes it does and she may come around as well after a month or two. I think she is just going to have mood swings because of her BPD and this will lead her to missing you and seeing how you are, which will help lead to reconciliation down the road.
I think you just have to be patient and see if she will come around. You cannot force this, it will have to come voluntarily by her.
so if she does not after december ?? but the divorce may not even be over by then boy what a mess now I see why some move quickly ,,to put distance there ??? so I ???
If she does not reconcile with you by December, I would think that she may not reconcile with you unfortunately and I think you should plan on not being with her.
ok well I need to go to meet my friends at church, by 2 bm ,,its noon here , so i need to get going ,, what time is it there, but I can say our whole church is praying for us about 5000 friends ,,so we are not so big you get lost , so I,m choosing to be hope full ,,,thank you DOC God Bless you ,,HOOAH !!
Dr Z, I just picked my stuff, and i was allowed there ,,but she had a tv camera watching,help me under stand
you said she would find safe way to see me and feel safe?? but to still be in control she did this to day, even the dog and cats came over to say hi, but once I figured it out I waved hi and she saw me looking around for anything i for got, she noticed i putted something down to look at it ,and she called mt pastor ,she was not upset ,,just write it down and leave a note, but most of my stuff was there, and we packed it up. I looked around ,you reminiscing, we got ready to leave , and she saw all of my friends make a circle around me praying , and I went back in and waved so long, and we left ,, this is kind of funny put this is the only way the pastor says shes in control, but she saw me, and no anger, from me,
so I think the more I remain relaxed and in control of me , and she will she has to control me or realize that I should what
so what should I do to not drive her over the edge ,,because she put this in today ,,just to see me, and my pastor says so ,, and my reminiscing looking around do you think this caused a positive reaction,
so any suggestions ??
good nite doc see you soon thank you, XXXXX XXXXX pm thank you see you soon, every day seems to be a new thing from her , hooah !! pt
Drz,, while we were there her car was still there, ???? because the camera was possibly internet ,yes she could have been any where, but she call our pastor as we drove up, and said come up, and then finding a letter from her lawyer telling it was ok for me to be there ,, and how quickly she called him and when I took ans looked at something, her computer is feet away in the other room ,,on or her phone maybe up stairs, I saw a note I could go to the shed ,,but not in the back yard, there is a big sliding glass door ,,like in the wizard of oz, she was right there ,??
so this answers a lot sort of like a peep hole and I know she knew my friends would not let me screw up even if there was no camera, but she had to see me and like you said how I am which is better than her, but the letter said i found was an inventory ,but a note at the bottom was for the pastor and us to talk as to save lawyers fees, do you remember I said shes cheap, this thing cost her a lot with I/R leds, the works and it was impulsive ,,like a last minute ,thing,but the not right now she still does not wanting me to come in side next time ,,so shes painting and tearing up to fix it up , to change the house ,,not sure why to have us have a clean and fresh start because she wanted to paint ,take out carpet etc, she is definitely being busy, and suck but she still has not served me divorce papers, ???
she has done this in her past ,before we met , I am hoping for the best, XXXXX XXXXX she is asking the pastor to communicate for us that means her emotion waves are settling down, and she could be back to a sense of normal where she will be more approachable because mondays will be our support groups, and we are going to bump into each other I will be mind full or the order until then ,and also her space , is this about right or am I all wrong,
Thanks DOC,, i'm thankful for your support you see here in cal, divorce is big and those who try to save them are called nuts just find someone else,, you see here and I learned before we met you are not a throw away, not disposable , so I think I will try hard to allow GOD to work and listen to him and folks like you ,, its the lazy way to find someone else but his command is to love each other and a promise to ,,and each other , I'm a lefty so when I waved I used my left ,seeing now I still had my wedding ring on silver and contrasting , do you think she saw that, last question