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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5109
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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I want to know why my husband is thinking I have cheated on

Customer Question

I want to know why my husband is thinking I have cheated on him with my nephew who is 22 and another man who is a business man I saw one time this year and other people were with me at the time it was supposed to happen and he was in the car waiting for me, he at times says he wants a divorce and has filed for one then later he said he couldn't leave me, he never says he loves me and no longer buys me flowers and he listens to songs about cheating and I hate it because I know he thinks of me I have been married 32 years and I love him but he was taken to a hospital for violence his sister had him put in. The doctors say he is sick and want to work with him giving him meds but he signed himself out. He has not let me go anywhere since November without him, he is abcessed he won't even let me use the phone without his permission and sleeps with a gun in his hands loaded. Sometimes he says he wants us all to get a motorhome and move then at other times he says he will go alone and he treats me like I am dirty most of the time. All of our friends and family know he's sick and I never would do that but when he got out of the hospital the doctor never told me what is wrong with him and why he can't let go of these thoughts yet can't leave me. What can make him this way and can I help him he has bad dreams and gets little sleep. I want to stay but I can't do this much longer sometimes love is not enough Help me help him
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 11 months ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue. I see you are offline, so I'll answer you in this format rather than the chat format.

I can imagine how distressing, worrisome, and even scary this situation must be for you. You are clearly a loving and caring wife. In what you write it comes through so strongly and that you want so much for your husband to be all right again and not ill. But you recognize that something is very, very seriously wrong. I am so sorry and I wish it was easier.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. You've been married for 32 years, so I would imagine your husband is somewhere between 50 and 65 years old. I don't know why the doctor didn't tell you what was wrong but I can guess why.

Because there are a couple of possibilities and neither is very easy. I am certainly not diagnosing here, but I am sharing with you the most likely situation. Your husband is exhibiting symptoms that are most often associated with a thought disorder like paranoid schizophrenia. The paranoia is clear. Whether the disorganized thinking is fully schizophrenic is not clear at this time, but the paranoia is and it is of concern. You are right to be worried for your safety.

You may need to confer with his sister and/or other members of the family about what to do. If you can, that is if you have a release to talk with his doctor(s), you and the family may need to confer with the doctor as well about what is the best course of action to make sure that he doesn't harm others or himself. I know this is so hard for you but you need to do this for your safety.

But he is also at the age where these might be representing an independent thought disorder or it could be symptoms of early onset dementia. The doctor probably had no way to do the extensive testing to find out as your husband would not have been cooperative. But you see, either way, the situation is the same: you and the family need to be concerned for your safety, his safety, and their safety.

I wish that love was able to heal this. But that he was hospitalized for this makes this easier to say: he most likely has a serious mental illness that has required hospitalization and may require further hospitalization to stabilize his thinking and behavior. You cannot be his help in this because he needs doctors, medications, and therapy to treat this.

If you can get him to get treatment that would be ideal. That would be a psychiatrist with you (not alone so you can give the real information) and a psychologist (also with you). The idea behind having a psychologist or psychotherapist who's experienced with working with schizophrenia and though disorders is to help you monitor and to help him stay on track. So he knows when his thoughts are starting to get out of whack or when the positive symptoms (hallucinations, etc.) begin to intrude. This is perhaps for after he is on medications that stabilize his thinking.

Again, you need to do what will keep you safe, in terms of your living arrangements and everything else. It is important for you to not become adversarial about all of this we've been talking about. To have him feel that you are on his side even if you have to live apart. Why?

Because taking his meds, staying true to the treatment, and staying stable, is his lesson to be learned and he will not learn it from being lectured to about it or have his errors pointed out. He will become defensive.

One of the problems here is that with many schizophrenia disorders sufferers, manipulating the situation to avoid medication or treatment in general is part of the disorder. It is very pernicious and very difficult to treat. I would like to recommend to you the work of Dr. Xavier Amador. I think that in this area of treatment resistance he has been invaluable to all of us working with schizophrenia. His whole approach is to find the way to make treatment a win-win situation. Because for your son, treatment is only for others' sakes: family, doctors, etc. Not for himself. The meds probably cause whole sorts of side effects he doesn't like. And this is going to be true of any meds the doctors come up with. Because resistance is often part of the illness and all meds have side effects.

So this approach can help you very much. But not only you personally, but the whole family. Here are his two most known books:

I am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help. This is the book that made Dr. Amador famous. It details a bit the story of his brother, who will remind of you of Leo probably in some aspects. Amazon page for it:



http://www.amazon.com/someone-mental-illness-treatment-Anniversary/dp/0967718953/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1289946492&sr=1-3

The other book is I'm Right You're Wrong, Now what? Break the Impasse and Get What You Need. Amazon page:



http://www.amazon.com/Right-Youre-Wrong-Now-What/dp/B001Q9E9OC/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1289946492&sr=1-1



Here is his organization's website that has wonderful resources available:

http://www.leapinstitute.org/index.html



 

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Mark: His doctors are not at liberty to speak with me and he doesn't allow me to talk to his family or my friends before this sickness we were always with friends often 20 to 40 at a time now we are alone. They are afraid of him and want me out. I am so confused I love him and if I leave him he will never get help but that may be the case he doesn't think he is sick, I am he thinks I am a nymphomaniac. He is now acting good but how long, I have a 32 year old downs daughter and she is a doll this has been hard because she is smart and she sees him hurting me like me she loves and wants him to be with us but at times all we want to do is get away. He will come after us. Sometimes he sits staring with hate on his face

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 11 months ago.
I am so sorry this is happening. My heart aches for you and your daughter. This is very tragic. I wish his family wasn't right, but they are right in wanting you out. They seem to have your interest at heart and this needs to be a comfort for you. But either way, they are right, you need to protect your and your daughter's safety here, because his behavior is just as you say: for now, but it is not predictable how long his current behavior will last. I too am worried for you.


I wish I could say that if you stay that this will help him stay stable, but that is not the usual pattern in such illnesses. The behavior is determined by internal biomedical forces inside of him, not whether you stay or leave. So, this is something you need to recognize as well.


Therefore, you need to get to a place of safety and stability where you can be there for your daughter to help both of you get through this.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5109
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
Dr. Mark and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

why does he keep saying things about me having sex with many people why single me out with this mental problem he takes a small part of tXXXXX XXXXXke my uncle lived with us for a while and used to sun bath in skimpy trunks to he saw me kissing on him and trying to have sex in the kitchen. Hes mind seems so sharp in most areas but its like he is abscessed with me having sex with anyone and that is why he makes me be with him 24hrs a day. He keeps saying he is leaving then keeps moving the date further away. Last night we took a bath in our huge tub and he drank to much hard liquor and started saying mean things about me and my little friends and how sex with them was better than with him. Then I asked him to please lets have a good night, he said he will never forgive me and I tried reasoning with him I mean its so clear that its not true and he really believes this with his whole heart and I can't move him a inch nor could friends or family. He said I should have shot you both the night that it happen and the two latest guys will get his wrath when he leaves. They did nothing. I jumped out of the tub and said we were leaving and he said you leave this house and you will not come back or I will hurt you. I sat for hour then thought I would try to calm him down so he would not harm us and in the tub I had his undivided attention, he was calm and nice like it didn't happen he wanted me to take a bath and I did I wanted to keep him calm and he has been nice since. I know it won't last and I will have to make some decisions soon but we have a business in his name and last years taxes to get done before I can do anything. I am working on it. I wish there was a way to help him I love him so after 32 years I can't imagine my life without him in it. I want to know why am I having to deal with this bitter sex thing I have never once looked at another. Why he wants to make me a tramp?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 11 months ago.
Hi! I'm very glad that I was able to help you with this and thank you for your positive rating. If I can help you in the future in any way, please don't hesitate to let me know.


All the best,
Dr. Mark
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 11 months ago.

Hi Kathy,

Just Answer has opened a new division, called etherapi that gives questioners the opportunity to discuss their problems in an actual online therapy session. You can thus have an actual session with me online through etherapi. Here is the link if it would be helpful for you:

https://pearl.etherapi.com/connectme/168



Let me know if you would like more information.


All the best,

Dr. Mark

Customer: replied 11 months ago.

MarkI did not receive a answer to my last question

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 11 months ago.
I'm so sorry: I wasn't alerted that you had replied, so I'm just seeing it now. I apologize.


I'm also so sorry that you're going through this. But you have to understand that his thinking is not logical or sequential. He is not making accusations based on your behavior or what he may believe about you.


Clinical paranoia can often have the patient aiming his fears on the people he's close to. This is because there is a lot of internal confusion inside as well as the paranoid disorder. That confusion adds to the anxiety and distress. The paranoia makes him aim his anxiety at others. Those who are closest to the patient are most often the targets because there is relationship there and closeness. And in the confusion, all the positive safe feelings are the ones that get turned over and over in his mind and subject to the aggression.


Similarly, his making you a tramp is an attempt to make order out of confusion. He is not connecting thoughts in the way you and I do. He is connecting thoughts that are disorganized and he's trying to make organization out of them. He's thus making connections that don't necessarily fit.


It can be hurtful, I know. And I'm so sorry. But the key is that he needs help and you need safety so you can help him get help.


I wish you the very best,


Dr. Mark

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