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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4894
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Hi, Im Recently pregnant with my second baby and have been

Customer Question

Hi, I'm Recently pregnant with my second baby and have been with my boyfriend for 3 and half years. Lately our relationship is on the rocky side, especially because he is a mommas boy and we lo e with his mom which for years now I have been asking him for her to find a job since to move out she needs some income so her whole financial status doesn't have to rely on us 100 percent since we will be paying her for taking care of our two babies, but between his mother and him decided they would bring his grandma from Nicaragua to stay with us 3 months and didn't consult or even tell me before making such Driscoll not caring my feelings and now I feel that staying would just make the relationship worse than what already is. I need some guide dance because I just want to grab my things and go but I lo e him and I know how much it would affect out son who is only 2 and super attached to his dad!!! Help me please!!!
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.

Dr. Z. :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z. :

I am so sorry that you are in this situation with your boyfriend's mother and now his grandmother, I can imagine how this distresses you.

Dr. Z. :

When you talk to him about your concerns about his mother living with you and how you feel she needs to be proactive and get a job and live independently, how does he respond usually?

Dr. Z. :

I think you do have a legitimate concern here because he did not even consider your thoughts or feelings about his grandmother coming to live with you for three months.

Dr. Z. :

Have you considered couple's counseling by the way? Because may be if your boyfriend heard about your concerns from an objective voice (e.g. therapist) he would be more understanding and cooperative. Also couples counseling can help your boyfriend that you do love him, but you are upset at the way he puts his mother over you time and time again.

Dr. Z. :

I definitely do not think you have to automatically leave your boyfriend and move out, although I definitely understand why you would want to, but I think if you gave him choices and told him that you are strongly considering leaving because you feel that he does not respect you and that he is not thinking about the financial situation of his children. Maybe then he would start to take you seriously and take proactive steps to help his mother move out and find a job. If you explain that you really do care for his mother's situation, but that you need your independence and that you need to look after your family's well being he should understand.

Dr. Z. :

I think by setting up a timeline on when she should move out will be helpful and it should be something that he has to agree to as well. This way it is a compromise and a joint decision, which is something he will be more open to.

Dr. Z. :

As far as the grandmother is concerned, I think you have to be forceful here though and demand that she not be allowed to stay with you because you do not feel it is a good time. But you can tell him after his mother has moved out to her own place, then it would be possible for his grandmother to move in with her and that his grandmother can of course come visit

Dr. Z. :

But I do think couples counseling will help the communication factor as I believe your boyfriend has not been communicating effectively with you right now and that is hurting your relationship a great deal. I can recommend some good couple's therapists in your area if you would like?

Dr. Z. :

Also these books are very effective in helping restore relationships as well.

Customer : This has been an issue that has been going for a long time and I want to make it work for me because I don't want to be without him and for my children so they can have what I didn't have. I have consider counseling I guess I haven't found the person yet. His grandma is coming in 2 weeks so in reality am out of time to even say more about how I feel. But one thing is for sure, I feel that in order to stay with him I have no choice to accept this whole situation that has been going on for so long to me and yet has no time or date on ending and I know my self to well to know that I could say ok today but my frustration will come back 10 times worse and what do I do then? I feel so depress all the time especially because I think we should be planning to fix everything before this baby comes. Babies are blessing but they put pressure and stress in relationships and the fact that his mom will still be living with us, we have a toddler, a new baby and grandma coming to stay with us I don't know what more can the relationship Handel in order to even make it.
Dr. Z. :

Okay, I agree that your situation looks dire in some respects, but I do believe that couples counseling must be a priority right now because all of this stress is not good on your physical and mental health as well. One thing that can help you convey your frustration/anger in a more assertive and productive way would be to use this technique that I give most of my patients. Anger is a natural emotion that we all must learn to express assertively, it can be repressed or it will just blow up in an out of control rage. So if you express it assertively, you are in control and you can do it in a way that will be beneficial to you and the situation as well.

Dr. Z. :

I think if you husband makes an active change and is more supportive of you and more of an ally to you, I believe that your depressive and anxiety related symptoms will start to lessen. Right now, I think that you feel alone right now and that you are doing this by yourself, when he should be there with you

Dr. Z. :

This is a link for something called Progressive Muscle Relaxation that can help you create a long term calm by using muscle tension and release techniques. This will help lessen your anxiety and depression as well and bring about a sense of peace and calm to you.

Customer : Thank you. Ill try it and look into the couples therapy. One last try doesn't hurt.
Dr. Z. :

Would you like me to search for some couples therapists in your area? I can compile a list for you

Dr. Z. :

I see that you are offline right now, but when you get back online I would be very interested in continuing this discussion with you and talking about anything further you would like to share regarding your concern, so if you respond in the chat box I will be able to get back to you as soon as possible.

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