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Hello I believe I can help you with your concern
I am so sorry that you are in this situation with your boyfriend's mother and now his grandmother, I can imagine how this distresses you.
When you talk to him about your concerns about his mother living with you and how you feel she needs to be proactive and get a job and live independently, how does he respond usually?
I think you do have a legitimate concern here because he did not even consider your thoughts or feelings about his grandmother coming to live with you for three months.
Have you considered couple's counseling by the way? Because may be if your boyfriend heard about your concerns from an objective voice (e.g. therapist) he would be more understanding and cooperative. Also couples counseling can help your boyfriend that you do love him, but you are upset at the way he puts his mother over you time and time again.
I definitely do not think you have to automatically leave your boyfriend and move out, although I definitely understand why you would want to, but I think if you gave him choices and told him that you are strongly considering leaving because you feel that he does not respect you and that he is not thinking about the financial situation of his children. Maybe then he would start to take you seriously and take proactive steps to help his mother move out and find a job. If you explain that you really do care for his mother's situation, but that you need your independence and that you need to look after your family's well being he should understand.
I think by setting up a timeline on when she should move out will be helpful and it should be something that he has to agree to as well. This way it is a compromise and a joint decision, which is something he will be more open to.
As far as the grandmother is concerned, I think you have to be forceful here though and demand that she not be allowed to stay with you because you do not feel it is a good time. But you can tell him after his mother has moved out to her own place, then it would be possible for his grandmother to move in with her and that his grandmother can of course come visit
But I do think couples counseling will help the communication factor as I believe your boyfriend has not been communicating effectively with you right now and that is hurting your relationship a great deal. I can recommend some good couple's therapists in your area if you would like?
Also these books are very effective in helping restore relationships as well.
Okay, I agree that your situation looks dire in some respects, but I do believe that couples counseling must be a priority right now because all of this stress is not good on your physical and mental health as well. One thing that can help you convey your frustration/anger in a more assertive and productive way would be to use this technique that I give most of my patients. Anger is a natural emotion that we all must learn to express assertively, it can be repressed or it will just blow up in an out of control rage. So if you express it assertively, you are in control and you can do it in a way that will be beneficial to you and the situation as well.
I think if you husband makes an active change and is more supportive of you and more of an ally to you, I believe that your depressive and anxiety related symptoms will start to lessen. Right now, I think that you feel alone right now and that you are doing this by yourself, when he should be there with you
This is a link for something called Progressive Muscle Relaxation that can help you create a long term calm by using muscle tension and release techniques. This will help lessen your anxiety and depression as well and bring about a sense of peace and calm to you.
Would you like me to search for some couples therapists in your area? I can compile a list for you
I see that you are offline right now, but when you get back online I would be very interested in continuing this discussion with you and talking about anything further you would like to share regarding your concern, so if you respond in the chat box I will be able to get back to you as soon as possible.