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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4258
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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hello im going through a crisis i was married to a crack head

Resolved Question:

hello im going through a crisis i was married to a crack head didnt get a divorce yet moved 3 states over from colorado to get away from him now he found me on face book and we got in touch with each other he ...showed up in dallas without contacting me and was in a homeless shelter and after a month there he beg to come to my home , he claim he is off drug for 9 months ...i m starting to feel depressed and nervous he may get back deep into it an start stealing ... i have not slept with him i only agreed to give him a place to sleep til he can get a job.... he started telling lies about not being able to find a job ..so i put him out he been beggin to come back here and i keep tellin him no stay at the sheltor ... the problem is i love him still and feel trapped in my head of what to do with him ...im divorced from him already but i still care ....
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 10 months ago.

Dr. Z. :

Hello I believe can help you with your concern

Dr. Z. :

I am so sorry that you are having these issues with your ex-husband, I can imagine how much this distresses you

Dr. Z. :

It is commendable how compassionate you are, but I do agree with you that he is using you to squat. This is a called a parasitic lifestyle where individuals use and con other to get support for their needs.

Dr. Z. :

I believe he has been manipulating as the "best begger in the world" so you can provide with shelter and other amenities.

Customer:

yes its horrible ... i spent the last two years in dallas rebuilding my life ...and wen he first callled i had this fantasy that he was gonna be different ..when he come to my home he start showing small signs like sleeping all day ...and grumpy an grouchy atitude if confront he got hyper and in denial about the pass ...and he even admitt he stole things from me but then said it was my fault .... omg i was devastated ...i put him out 3 times ...and he was suppose to go to a job the other day and called me to say the bus didnt run that far .... i then put him out that next morning and told him do not come back ...he text me a few times saying he sorry and he sleepin out side and need my help

Dr. Z. :

I think you ex-husband has a personality disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) where he thinks he is better than other, only thinks about himself, does not take responsibility, and will use manipulation for his own gain. Here is a good link that can describe this disorder in more depth for you

Dr. Z. :

I understand that you care very much for him, but he is using that compassion you have, which is a great quality, to get what he wants. You have to be firm, kick him out, and not let him back in your life or he will drag you down as wel

Dr. Z. :

*well

Customer:

yes i agree with you his conning worked ...but as i look back i realize it worked even betta when i was in love with him ...and now i am not so he is haveing a harder time beggin me to let him come back ... that first week he came i cautioned him if he did the disappearing act with some money i gave him to catch the bus ...he didnt come back that nite i gave him $20 to catch a bus and he called the next day saying he had$9 left ...lol... i didnt believe him so i told him not to come back ...next day he called again and said he truefully went to the sheltor cause he wanted to give me some space ...but yet he only had money $5 out of the $20 to use ... which would be all he need to go down town to check on his food stamps .... i thought if he got food stamps that would help with food ...but he ruin that to ...by scaring me and disappearing ....just like a crack head its possible he got a hit ...what do you think

Dr. Z. :

It is possible he may have used a crack again. I believe he is not genuine in wanting to help himself, be independent, and get back on his feet again. I believe he is trying to get back into your life, so that you will take care of him. His past and current behavior is classic parasitic behavior.

Dr. Z. :

I think you are doing the right thing by being done with him and keeping him away from you. I would not answer the phone if he calls and if he shows up at your residence to ask him to leave or that you will call the police. This man is an adult and you have done more than enough to help him, but ultimately it is on him if he wants to help himself

Customer:

i had someone else tell me he could be narcassitic ..he complain to be about the other people at the sheltor saying they stink and he hated that place ...i told him thats the best place for you..among the other crackheads who family and friends dont want the drama ... i told him he left denver cause his own moma and daughter and sisters dont want to deal with him ...since ivp e known him he never payed rent or helped me ...and its ludicrist for me to even have him come in the first time ... i dont know what i was thinking ...i think my estranged relationship with my sisters over my mother care ...did a deal on my preception ... my mom died finally in a year ago after my family was torn apart over it ...he was all i had ...and i felt i had family with hiim now....i got cousins who i connect with and im begaining to rebuild confidence ...but with him around i feel so low ...i dont even call any one cause im ashame of letting him in ...i kind of shut down and watched him.. couldnt sleep even i slept on the couch not my bed ...so i could watch him ...i can not go back and i do know this ..... thank you so much for giving me some insight on this .... he is so trapped

Dr. Z. :

It is possible your estranged relationship with your sisters had an impact on your judgement in this case. You do care and your are very compassionate, but he does sound like an individual with NPD and usually without intensive psychotherapy, individuals with NPD cannot be cured and their behavior will escalate more as he gets more and more attached to you, so the best advice is to cut him out now before it gets worse for you.

Customer:

i really do wish him well .... the battle is his ....he said he if off of it for 9 months ...i dont believe him it takes a lot more time than that to break that addiction ...i readu up on addicts like him and they are very in denial of the devastation an pain they caused t..he told me he didnt remember me falling or drug dealers chasin us .... and alot he said he dont recall ... i was devastated an thought he was lieing about that too.... if you know anything about addicts they really dont care who they hurt.... he is textin me tellin me he is truely sorry and never have he formally appologizzed when he was here...... he only jump in survival mode when he needs to .... i believe he stayed at the sheltor but wants me to think he is on isstreets.... he showed me papers of his registration to college to get a cooking degree ...and i laughted cause i dont believe he has what it takes to complete anything ... but thanks again friend ..by the way the advice is great ... .and i will follow suite ...i just wanted to verify what i was planning was right ....and that is to not let him back in my home

Dr. Z. :

Anytime, I am always happy to help. I do not believe him either and I think he is just trying to use you to survive as well, so I believe by shutting him out of your life completely is the best option for you. I want to provide a link to this book on NPD that can give you some insight into his behavior.

Dr. Z. :

I wish you the best of luck with your ex-husband, but take solace that you are making the right choice here. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.

Customer:

thank you again and i will check out that link now to see what i can understand about narcassitic people ... im sure that is one of his issues

Dr. Z. :

It most definitely it, best of luck to you and have a great rest of you day :)

Dr. Z. :

If you need anything else in the future, please do not hesitate to contact me. I am happy to help

Customer:

thanks

Dr. Z. :

You are most welcome :)

Dr. Z. :

Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4258
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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