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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelmingly frustrating and sad situation, you have been facing for so long.
Hi Rafael, thanks I just don't understand why I cannot do anything about my unhappiness
Could you please tell me about the core marital issues you have been facing, and what changed have you and your husband implemented to make it work?
That's unacceptable, you first priority and right is to be able to actually build and enjoy a happy life.
My mine problem is I have been questioning my feeling towards husband for 12 years now. Long time ago I tried marriage therapy, and I have been going through therapy myself. I tried to go away with my husband, but now I am at the point I don't want to work on anything. I would like him to leave, but he doesn't want to
I see, then if you have been working this hard for this long on your marriage to make it work without any real improvement because of is passivity and unwillingness to work on himself and the marriage too, then there's be no reasonable and acceptable justification to perpetuate a marriage this dysfunctional. Fro you to want to rebuild your life and your husband refusing to leave is very abusive and shows how distorted the marriage has got.
What should I do then. I know I want to move out, but for some reason I am affraid and feel like he should move out not me.
What is obvious here is that you feel you need and want, deserve to rebuild your life, and that there should be no excuse for anybody to undermine your right to work on it. Not if it is about who should leave your house, it would be more a matter of your rights and handling a legal issue, since no matter how right you could be about it, if he refuses to leave nothing would improve unless you take consistent action getting necessary legal support to protect your rights.
I must be frank, when I went for vacation recently by myself . When he was dropping me off at the airport I felt like I love him, but when I came back, disappointment and boredom came back. I feel the same, he just gets on my nervous. I asked him today why he won't let me go and he said he doesn't want me to. He thinks because I am bored and have too much time on my hands I feel dissatisfied.
You need to assess the pros and cons of your core options, and choose which would offer the less destructive conflict and negative consequences in your present and future, then focus on taking consistent action to make that option work for you, with necessary support.
How do I do that?
can you please explain what do you mean by core options?
If you are sure this marriage is hopeless because of the 12+ years of therapy not working, since he has not changed his ways and you continue to feel this down, then it'd be obvious that you need to start taking actions to rebuild your life away from him.
Rafael, sorry I have been married for 12 years, but I only went for a year for a marriage therapy, and it was at the begining of our marriage. I only have myself to rely on. I have no family here or friends I can rely or trust.
the problem is he loves me and tried everything to satisfy my needs, but regardless of he does I don't feel that he is the man I love
and then on the other hand I don't understand why i cannot just leave and try to rebuild my life away from him as you said
If on the other hand you are still confused and do not know if you truly want to end this marriage, then you should look for a competent and experience psychotherapist to support you to work on what is not allowing you to make it work, and to assess how well is your husband willing to do the same, otherwise it would never work. It was my impression based on your words that you were overwhelmed for so many years trying so hard , working on yourself and with therapeutic support and nothing really changing for better, that he refuses to leave and that's why you wanted this to end, right?
Thank you for clarifying. I can understand now, then from the very beginning you felt he was not the man you could really love, but you have kept yourself into this marriage this long because of the pressure from the commitment and his reluctance for you to leave, right?
I think so, he was always the one fighting for me
I believe that most people in your shoes, would feel the same, since after 12 years of marriage, it is scary to face the unknown, the uncertainty, having to start all over and find out by trying how well it works for you, while this dysfunction and non fulfilling marriage is something you already know, with all it s deficiencies it appears as safer than the unknown future, where you will literally have to start you life again.
What led you to marry a man you did not loved enough for him to become your life partner?
I was able to get an american citizenship through the marriage
Funny enough I could have left him years ago, once I got my citizenship, but I never did.
It seems you have been pushing yourself and allowing him to push you all this long to remain together regardless of what you have been feeling an d longing for all these years
Rafael, so what should I do? I don't want to be miserable
I deserve to be happy so does he
I see, then the reason you started this marriage was to get citizenship, but not because you truly loved this man and wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. Then no doubt perpetuating it would be hopeless and nonsense. You need and deserve to live your won life with a man you truly love.
starting life again is scary and there is no guarantee that I will meet love of my life. Lots of bad men out there. So why do you think I stayed for so long and tried to leave him before, but never did it.
Then you cannot continue to depend on what he wants and hoes, while disregarding your self, you won core needs and expectations, now you need to start living your life the way you really want it.
Out of fear, while feeling it's safer for you to keep the good things you already got with him,even when feeling this empty and frustrated. It's always much easier to do that than to face reality and work on being truthful with ourselves and work on building through hard work what we really want and long for.
That's why I said you need to assess your priorities, what is truly more important for you now and in the long run. It seems from the very beginning you not only did not want to perpetuate this but rejected the idea since denying your right to have your own life next to a man you truly love, but you have stayed there out of fear of having to face all the challenges a new life would imply if you leave.
you are right, now how do I change that?
I am 37 years old, and regardless that I do not look my age, i would like to have a family, now i feel i wasted 12 years and who knows what might happen.
I don't feel attractive, although I am a fitness model. This man never made me feel attractive. I am an idiot for not doing anything about it.
You need o choose between keeping all he benefits and security you got with this marriage-life, affording the emptiness, unhappiness and non fulfillment it imposes, r face the chalelnges of working on rebuilding your life, not having many of those benefits, but giving yourself the chance to be truly free, taking full responsibility for your feelings, choices and actions.
Then you are still a young adult, and I think you have a whole life to shape the way you want and deserve, but you would need to make a sacred commitment to work on it no matter what taking full responsibility for it.
I'd not waste one more week of my life if I happen to be in your shoes, but only you know how you feel and want you want to afford or not. But your words of desperation are obvious pushing you to awake and make necessary changes.
Please take gentle care, reflect on this and take consistent action. I will be here to follow up and support you as possible. If you want profesisonal counseling, confidential support instead of this public question-answer format, let me know reviewing services offered here: https://pearl.etherapi.com/connectme/164
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AAA ok, thank you