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Ask Dr. Z Your Own Question
Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Dr Z, my wife has gone over board, now shes calling all

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Dr Z, my wife has gone over board, now she's calling all of my cousins, and my C.O. and command staff they need to come over now asap to take all of my stuff out of her house ,and I am only to take what's on the list, and I have been chewed out all morning ,,plus shes not just bad mouthing me, plus and

Dr. Z. :

Hello again,

Dr. Z. :

Oh wow, she definitely turned a corner with her mood swings

Dr. Z. :

It sounds like this is her "I hate you" anger phase right now where she is responding in anger to your possibility of moving away or this is a delayed anger reaction to getting the phone reactivated.

Dr. Z. :

Remember the mood swings and the impulsivity makes it difficult to predict your wife's behavior, so one minute she can be sad and missing you and the next minute she can be angry at you...and for no fault to you at all.

Dr. Z. :

I am betting that her angry reactions right now are because she is blaming you for leaving her, abandonment issues, even though she is the one initiating the divorce. Remember logical behavior is not seen often during these outbursts with individuals who have BPD.

Customer:

the problem I'm getting chewed out by my co, but he knows the only thing can do is cal my lawyer and keep reporting her doing this, and she now she is demanding this well go all the way to sept 30 court, and my lawyer is going to go with this and reconciliation is no even acceptable, so she will not cooperate with the realtor,on her pay back, they are not telling her , so shes going really crazy, I guess I should not tell friday im selling the house at all ,???

Dr. Z. :

That is very unfortunate that she involved your CO. I think you do have to protect yourself and definitely have your lawyer involved in this and report her behavior. I think if you tell her on Friday about the house, she may have another anger outburst. This is her reaction to you leaving and while she in angry with herself, she outwardly blaming you, even though it is not your fault. If she brings it up on Friday, remind her that divorce was her choice and not yours.

Customer:

so I'm very embarrassed just from the fact this is her the nurse, if friday she goes physical nuts, I guess I call the police, and then a 5150 where they put her in observation, but like you said this is her doing ,I am not afraid for my self but she keeps digging her hole deeper, I still love her but this is going out of control ,

Dr. Z. :

On many occasions the anger outbursts are short lived, so she may be calm by the time you see her on Friday and actually she may even apologize. Remember the title of the book "I hate you, dont leave me." So she may follow that pattern here, anger first and then apologetic afterwards, so do not be surprised by this. But if she does get angry and blames you, then you can remind her and force her to think objectively that this was her choice for the divorce and not yours.

Customer:

you are right ,,do you remember the letter i found from her second husband saying that they were tired of one therapy after another ,and the kids left her, i remember finding a letter with it from her begging him not to leave she will do anything he says, should I expect one too ,and how or when should I expect it ???

Dr. Z. :

Yeah, so there is definitely a pattern of behavior here. I think you should expect a letter or she will tell you directly probably near your Sept 30th court date, but I cannot be certain because I cannot predict the future. Her mood swings and impulsivity will make it hard to predict her behavior, but I think as you approach that court date, she will send this letter or try to talk to you directly about reconciliation.

Customer:

even if its against the order,

Dr. Z. :

If she violates the order, then that is her choice. I do not want you to initiate because I do not want you to violate the order, but if in her impulsive state she does, then that is her choice

Customer:

ok . should calm and talk ,what

Dr. Z. :

Let her initiate the conversation, if she does. I do not know if she will continue to be angry or apologetic on Friday based on her actions today, but that should not deter you from being calm to her. If she accuses you of anything, just remind her that this was her idea and not yours. You keep pointing out objective views, it will start to sink in for her.

Dr. Z. :

Are you still there?

Customer:

yes my pastor called very worried to ,,I told him how you are really helping and yes wise, but what to expect ,

Dr. Z. :

No problem, I was just curious because sometimes the chat kicks people off on accident (technical glitch). What did your pastor say?

Customer:

well he is very concerned for me to return with her as sick as she is, and i told him she will/might be very apologetic, and try to pry about the house,and he and i agreed we need to keep the sale of my house quiet, and to go back with out getting her help before we do reconcile would be bad scene she has gone out side the rules of common conduct ?

Dr. Z. :

I can understand his concern for your wife concerning her health issues. And I am glad that he agrees that she needs treatment for her BPD before you officially reconcile to help the marriage start off again on the right foot. The rules of common conduct are hard for her to follow in her fragile state

Customer:

ok, what next will she set me up in private if she can, or play it real cool not to look crazy in front of every body,

Dr. Z. :

That is difficult to say because she is in a fragile state with her mood swings right now, so it can go either way. I know she tries to display a calm demeanor while at church, so she may do that in front of your pastor too. She may pull you aside to talk positively with you or negatively with you, right now I cannot say for certain because she in unpredictable right now. So since you are a military man, I would say prepare for anything

Customer:

ok my cousins are great ,but they are not going to feed her fire ,or crazy stuff, I feel so helpless, all I can do is Pray for her ,and hope she does not and try to hurt her self , is that possable

Dr. Z. :

You can ask your pastor, her friends, or family to check up on her, but other than that you do have to sit and Pray that she does not hurt herself unfortunately. Unless she has fresh cut marks that anyone can see or she verbally tells people that she is going to hurt herself, she cannot be involuntarily admitted to a psychiatric ward to get help.

Customer:

ok if she goes nuts there ,I guess ?????

Dr. Z. :

Yeah if goes "nuts" and makes odd statements or statements to hurt herself, then she can be committed and get intensive treatment to help her.

Customer:

ok , this is a lot for me things looked positive , and now ???? I care so much and not I see why he left her with a girlfriend in hand ,so he had is needs all ready meet when he left her ,

Dr. Z. :

I still things look somewhat positive for you, not as good as before, but like I said I believe that she is more angry with herself than anything, but she confused, so instead she is lashing out that anger towards you. This is a typical pattern of someone with BPD and then they apologize and ask for forgiveness, which is why I think she will be apologetic to you soon, hopefully on Friday.

Customer:

ok Im not afraid of her ,not in the lease not like fatal attraction,but you say she might or will before court to reconcile ,????

Dr. Z. :

Well I think she may apologize for her behavior today soon or before your court date on the 30th. Now she may lean to reconcile as well during the apology, but that may reconcile after the court date too if she wants to delay the issue of divorce longer. Although I do believe that reconciliation is still a strong possibility with your wife.

Customer:

ok this is a lot for me but like I said love is crazy, but I did not plan on this crazy, tonight is a church function men and women,but different sides of the church ,us guys there and them on the other side , I'm hoping to get a couple other guys to help on friday, so there it is and I'm hurt, i wish I would have read this book a year ago I would be still sleeping in my oun bed

Dr. Z. :

I know I am so sorry, but we cannot change the past, we can only react to the present. Right now you are doing everything you can to try to reconcile with your wife and start your marriage fresh. Love is crazy at times and when one spouse has BPD, it can be a handful, but you are doing the right and noble thing at this point, so keep it up. I hope everything goes well tonight and for this Friday.

Customer:

ok DOC I need to go soon us guys do a welcome back bar b Q, so i'm looking forward to seeing my friends you see during ti summer it vacation time, so thank you and God bless doc ,, hooah !!

Dr. Z. :

God bless you as well and have fun tonight :)

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