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Ask Dr. Z Your Own Question

Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4735
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Doc Z , well I found out she turned off my phone because

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Doc Z , well I found out she turned off my phone because it got a well big, we had plan that was penny wise and pound foolish, this has happened before, so our pastor , played the middle man , he got a late e mail and forgot to tell me, but it was arranged I pay it completely down, and I asked her release it to me ,she was ok with this, and all is well , but i spent yesterday, singing closing escrow papers ,for my old house, but one thing she is still setting on f
her letter of request on how much I owe her and she is not answering it at all, ???
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.

Dr. Z. :

Hello again,

Dr. Z. :

Sorry for the delay, I just stepped into my office

Dr. Z. :

That is good that you got your phone released and that it is no longer an issue

Dr. Z. :

Has she talked to her lawyer about how much you owe her?

Customer:

Thats ok we all need some down time ,,like the 4 things things was need a humans, food air ,water and personal things. don't think so, her lawyer does not know yet, but my realtor is going to him next to tell if she wants to payed , she is not responding the escrow company request or realtors letter , is this like you said shes afraid she gets paid and I am free, which scares her??

Dr. Z. :

That is a possibility that she is afraid, because you leaving is becoming more of a reality to her. Or she is waiting to talk to her lawyer to see if she is getting a fair pay out. Both of those possibilities are plausible.

Customer:

she is being told for her to tell them ,,the escrow co ,so they can match it to there books so she does not get cheated out of one penny, i am being very proactive of that for her, so like you said her releasing my phone was and act of control ,hor her,, but when I was there the phone guys told her rates were going up because of the loss of a rate discount of one less phone, on the plan , I'm being quiet ,but giggling she starts to argue with the phone guy ...is this the normal for her issue ??

Dr. Z. :

Yes it is normal for her issues with BPD. The phone issue was definitely an act of control because she was the one who cut off your phone and then she was the one who put it back on. She argued with the phone company because she realized it was not longer feasible from a financial point of view to control your phone and cut you off, so she resolved the phone issue and re-activated your phone again. Remember she was being impulsive and did not think ahead about how cutting off the phone would change her rates.

Customer:

very interesting I swear, are you sure you don't live next door, so to the escrow pay off ,will she not do it, to stop it, or what,

Dr. Z. :

I cannot say for certain what is going on in her head right now, but she may not do it or at least delay it because she may be having second thoughts on the divorce.

Customer:

in what way ,please explain ??

Dr. Z. :

Well with someone who is BPD, they do not think ahead very well for the future. They usually only see what is right in front of them, so while you are doing a good job about thinking ahead and planning for your future options, she is unable to think like that. Now that the escrow issues are right in front of her and that you may sell the house, the reality is starting to hit her that you may leave and this scares her to death because of her attachment to you, so this is why she may be having second thoughts and wondering about reconciliation.

Dr. Z. :

As for what she will do, I cannot be certain because as you know an individual with BPD is impulsive, so their actions are hard to predict at times.

Customer:

you are right ,being a nurse she under stands consequences, but I am inclined to thing when her health was not an issue she was she was strong ,,but now after her hands being operated in three times ,and arthritis, all over back knees etc, I see a challenge for her in seeing do I want to be alone ,and the guy who was there and stood by his late wife and even through hid own pain did it right,???

Dr. Z. :

Oh wow, I do not think you even told me about her health issues before now. That would definitely have an impact on her decision for reconciliation. Her health issues could definitely increase her fear of being alone and being able to care for herself, so I am leaning more towards reconciliation based on that added information.

Dr. Z. :

She would want you to be there to help her through everything and if you leave, then it is possible that no one will be able to help her and that scares her a lot, her health issues increases her fear of being alone.

Customer:

yes so am I even if she is upset with me, she knows you see the Bible says husbands love your wives , as the lord loves the church ,even through his own suffering ,,he did, love even in times of abuse and anger,and good times of course,and all that mushy stuff

Dr. Z. :

If she believes that you will honor that and be that kind of husband for her "for better or for worse" then this is why she will think about reconciliation because she knows you will be there for her and help her with everything.

Customer:

but right now ,is she is doing this order is something she did and is using it as a tool to teach me some sort of lesson , like what???

Dr. Z. :

I do not think she is trying to teach you a lesson, I think she is unsure what to do and this confuses and scares her. No in order for her to teach you a lesson, she would be mean and cold to you as well, or would taunt you, but so far you have not said that has exhibited this behavior. In fact, the other day when you saw her you said she did not have a cold look on her face like she normally does when she is angry.

Customer:

ok what next ,,

Dr. Z. :

Well you are going to get your gear on Friday, I would tell her thank you for restoring your phone and then go pack up your gear. You mentioned that she might try to see you in private and she might try to talk to you in private, so be ready for that. The goal is to be courteous and not push her into anything, but let her come to you.

Dr. Z. :

Also when you get your gear, take your time too. This will allow your pastor to talk to her for a little bit, and seeing as he is on your side he may say some favorable things about you

Customer:

well she released my phone to me, and I was only temporarily cut off, and not canceled, and so I kind of work not in a rush, and if she catches me alone I thank her for releasing my phone ,saying like I know my costs will not be an issue for you???

Dr. Z. :

You can say thank you for compromising and releasing your phone. You can mention that the costs will not be an issue and that you will pay your fair share and not leave her to foot the entire bill. This reinforces that you can provide for her/take care of her and that you will do anything to harm her, even in the middle of the divorce, so this shows you are compassionate.

Customer:

well the phone right now the only thing was the phone, you see went solar on the roof, and green stuff, I think she knows deep inside I would never do harm .but at times in front of others she puts up the fraidy cat, thing to get pity ,because being military my record is spot less, so do you think she will start the divorce stuff at all ,or do it just to see if I will react ???

Dr. Z. :

Right now, I am leaning towards that this is becoming more of a reality to her and that she is getting scared of being alone,so I think she will delay the divorce proceedings further and then look at reconciliation. Judging by her behavior, health issues, and the diagnosis of BPD, I do not believe that she will go through the divorce.

Customer:

go through ,or start to see what I do ,and stop or if she starts it i will probably prepare my moving on ,because I can only rent a place not buy ,until after so this will keep her guessing ??

Dr. Z. :

I think she will start to go through it, but like I said I believe she will delay it to give her time to think because this reality is too much for her right now and she needs to avoid it, so delaying it is an option she will try. Then she will see how you react, which will scare her more because you should still plan on moving on with your life. The reason this will scare her is because she is losing control and losing her attachment. That is how I see events unfolding for you and her in the near the future.

Dr. Z. :

I do think that she will stop this eventually and ask about reconciliation with you, but when that will happen will be up to her.

Customer:

that is almost what happen the first time ,she got the judge to give up calling privileges , see each other in church and dating ,and then she would tell me she needed me up her house to fix something and she would have dinner, and after a couple weeks taking me up stairs ,???? so do you think this is a healing time ,and its her way of stating in control ??

Dr. Z. :

This definitely does sound like this is more of a control issue with her because she feels more comfortable when she is in control. But now that the divorce is becoming a reality, she is starting to lose control and that is what scares her and makes her feel uncomfortable, so she will seek reconciliation to gain control again. Now we talked about this, but I will state it again. She will need the DBT therapy because this back and forth of control cannot sustain a marriage and she will have to work on giving up control and building a compromise between you two, where you both share control, but that is down the line obviously.

Dr. Z. :

Are you still there?

Customer:

yes it went in to reset ,you know I can do this, yes its a control thing because that is the way it went before I had to ask to visit ,and we could call ,etc, so basically here we go again ??

Dr. Z. :

It is "here we go again" but I think now you have some more information on BPD, that you change your future with her and not repeat the same mistakes you both made in the past. I believe you have the tools to help your marriage become more prosperous

Customer:

ok last time she took about 2 to 3 months ,and ended it and I came home , but with the divorce I am wondering if she will be careful to send me the wrong message like its over knowing I'm ,a a serious person in this area,and if your done with me i'm gone,

Dr. Z. :

I think that it is possible, like I said I think as this reality of divorce become more and more present in her mind, she will be careful not to send the wrong message to you and push you away. I think she will change her mind, delay the divorce, and ask for reconciliation. She will start to warm up to you at first and then give subtle signs that she misses you before she decides for reconciliation, so pay attention to her behavior on Friday to see what happens.

Customer:

ok DOC ,,well I have a lot to work on ,but I will probably read more and more of the book, question one friend is suggesting al- non,counseling or anger management because she knows how to get to me , ??

Dr. Z. :

Well anger management can be good if she really knows how to push your buttons. I think expressing your anger/frustration in an assertive way is good for us, as it can promote change, so if you go that route with anger management, here is a good worksheet that can help you be more assertive with anger as well.

Customer:

ok Doc I will let you go for now, I will probably drop you a line after friday, so God bless and HOOHA ! ps I wish I could tip more but im on a tight budget, thanks pt

Dr. Z. :

Anytime, I am always happy to help. Good luck on Friday, I will be hoping for the best :) Have a great rest of your day No worries about the tips, I am just happy to help you

Customer:

ROGER THAT pt

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4735
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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