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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I am in need of some serious help. My boyfriend and I of 2

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I am in need of some serious help. My boyfriend and I of 2 1/2 years broke up two weeks ago. I've know him for 9 years and we were on and off for awhile just messing around. He finally asked me out 2 1/2 years ago and we've lived together for 2 years. We had a very good relationship in the beginning. A few months into I found out he was talking to multiple girls behind my back. I wanted to end it but he begged and cried to give him another chance so I did. For awhile things were ok but then every few months I would find out about another girl. He'd cry and beg all over again, at this point I didn't know what to do because I loved him so much and I forgave again. He had bought me a promise ring and a week later I found out about another girl. He would call and txt girls nonstop and through this I found out he had a fetish with women who smoke cigarettes , I was very insecure and I felt like I just kept forgiving him because I felt like nobody would love me. When our relationship was good it was good but the lies and girls behind my back had caused big fights, I wouldn't trust him wherever he went and it would just be a fight every time he went somewhere. He wouldn't show me the attention I deserved so the reason we broke up was because I was just fed up with not being paid attention to I lost it after all I went through he just didn't seem to care. I packed his stuff and told him to leave. That night he told me he would have me back and maybe a break would be good for us. That was all I wanted was for him to realize that what he was doing wasn't fair. The day after we broke up he did a complete 180. He had got a letter confirming his DUI and loosing his license for a year. He then told me we need to go our separate ways and maybe one day we could work it out but he didn't know what he wanted. I'm very hurt by this because he got my hopes up then shut me right down. He will not return my phone calls or texts. He living his life and is acting like I don't exist. I want to be with him I really do he was apart of my life for 9 years and this is very hard for me. What do I do? Do I give him space?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very painful,overwhelming situation you have been facing.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is very sad since it shows how much you have tried to make it work, while on the other hand he has systematically betrayed your love and trust. This is not about an isolated episode, but a chronic issue that deeply undermined and led to the end of your relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on your story he seems to have what is known as love addiction, since it's been about several women during these two years that you have been together. There was no assertive way to cope with it but by setting boundaries and you did each time, but then you got back into his manipulation and allowed him to get back just to keep doing the same thing over again, which was obviously neglectful ad abusive. Nobody in your shoes deserves to be betrayed the way he did.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems obvious to me that he has several serious issues he needs to work on with professional psychological support, otherwise the tendency would be for him to get worse with time. Addiction just do not disappear, they are chronic mental disorders and illnesses, but rehabilitation is possible, it would take long term hard work, commitment to therapy and a healthy support system.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His concrete behavior is showing you this overwhelmingly painful reality, and I am afraid that pushing him in any way would not help you to process this loss, not to heal from it, but to expose to further manipulation, neglect and abuse.

Customer: I didn't mean to click bad service at the bottom your answer wasn't showing up so I thought something had went wrong.
Customer: I honestly love him and I would do anything to make this work. I know he needs help because he does have addictions but my main thing right now is what do I do to get him back and then work on this together and get him help.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to focus on taking good care of yourself, specially because you cannot afford feeling this way for days, weeks or months, depending on him changing his mind, since you do not know if that would happen, and even in case he decides to get back, it would not mean the core chronic issues would disappear, since that could only happen after he truly works on himself and his rehabilitation process, for a long period of time and with necessary support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No problem. I do believe you love him for sure, but the help he needs must include psychotherapeutic treatment, involving both individual and group therapy, and for that to happen and work, he needs to start by being truly honest and fully accountable for his own choices and actions, and he's not being doing that at all for the past years.

Customer: I have been trying to focus on myself and better myself , I've been going to the gym daily so I could feel good about myself. But my every thought just goes back to him. It's just really hard to get past this because I've done so much for him and we've been through so much together. I don't understand how one minute he was all about making this work to just completely cutting me out of his life like I never mattered. I'm hoping giving him time he will eventually come around so we can get professional help and get back to that happy couple we were in the beginning.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The bets way you could support this person is by end any form of pushing, giving him the time and space he needs to work on himself. That would not ensure he would do it, but that is something that does not depend on you but exclusively on him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do hope that could become reality too, and it will depend on him working on his rehabilitation first, since that is the requirement that would allow him to take good care of himself, and from there of his relationship and life as a whole.

Customer: Well I'm praying giving him time will make him realize alot and he will come around if not I know I tried everything I could.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, that's the wisest approach anybody in your shoes could have.

Customer: I thank you very much for your time and help.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he does not see and take it, it'd show you he does not deserve you and needs to truly work on himself first. If he does not want his life deeply undermined by these serious issues-addictions, he would have to take responsibility and start his rehabilitation process right away. Thank you for beg this honest here, and for trusting me.

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