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Hello I believe I can help you with your concern
I am so sorry that you are having issues with the separation from your ex-husband, this must be distressing for you since you are asking for "clearance."
Can you explain to me in more detail about what issues you are currently having regarding your ex-husband?
its been over 1 year and half we are seperated with the exception of one month ( feb) where we tried to get back... we argued and then its was over in a few weeks again. he is seeing someone now and lies to me and that hurts me .... I feel rejected even if i know ( people tell me) there will be someone better... im beautiful etc... but I cant shake him off and of course we have one son ( 7 years old)
he is eeing the same person he left me for btw
she is his :friend with benefits" is what everyone tells me it is....
I am sorry to hear this. May I ask, why did you two separate? What were your arguments primarily about?
he said he "got nothing out of this marriage " back ... he "gave so much and got so little back" ( quote on quote ) I was home raising our son... so I have to admit, I may have focused on our son but he said that was not it.... he was just miserable i our marriage
I asked too many questions about his "work" and it made him feel choked...
2 years ago, i felt like he was cheating on me with his secretary. thats when my "insecurity" started and it became worse
Was he cheating on you with his secretary? Or did you never find out about this?
he had an " emotional " friendship .... he went to her house one night for 20 minutes.... to talk ...
So he had an emotional affair, which is still serious by the way and can hurt you.
we were in counselling at the time ... and he said he could not "talk" to me because I " barked ".... quote on quote
everytime i asked him a question, he felt "choked "
yes he had an emotional affair
Okay, well you are telling me why he wanted to end the relationship, but what about why you wanted to end the marriage?
he wants to end the marriage...we can't "talk" ... and I "Bark" and i am suppsedly not very "nice"
he left and a week later he was with Flo ( the other woman)
and now I think they are back
he does not want to do anything about our marriage ...
he does not EVEN talk to me .. we exchange words just about our "son... school etc...
It sounds like you are believing what he is saying and this causes you to self-blame, which is why you feel rejected and hurt right now. But he must not have been the best husband because he was having an emotional affair and I assume that he was seeing this woman Flo before he left the marriage too by how quickly he started a relationship with her.
he doesnt even look at me anymore....
I am sorry that he is treating you this way and not even acknowledging you anymore
yes i know....
i feel he started a month at least
So remember he chose to take the easy way out and end the marriage instead of talking to you and working on the marriage.
These are not positive qualities in a man
we tried conselling last year... but he never left her while in counselling....
That shows that he was not really committed to reconciling with you during counseling.
i know .... he s , however, a good father... very good father , and does still take care of me financially... which is why this is hard for me because he portrays SOME good qualities
I understand that he does, but I think emotionally he was not there during your marriage, especially when things started to get difficult.
he was never there emotionally. he is not much of a communicator
and never really tapped into my emotion ...
I think you are feeling depressed over the ending of your marriage and this causes guilt and self-blame because you are believing what he is saying that this is your fault, when in fact it was not.
Exactly and that would make it difficult in a relationship because he would never tell you what was wrong, so you had no opportunity to change for the better or to compromise on issues
I think it is 50/50 but I tried to talk to him and he does not want to give in .... so why is this so hard for me then???
I feel terrible and why does a PART of me still miss him ??? its crazy
Because you are depressed and in grief over the ending of this marriage. Part of you still misses him because he is a good father and a good provider, financially, so those are positive qualities. And you are also afraid of the future and you wonder if you will meet someone else, and will that someone else be better or worse than your husband, so you have some anxiety and fears over that uncertainty.
yes ... i do.... but i have dated. and I see that the grass is not greener...
i have anxiety, fear and I am scared. ok .... I think thats true. what do i do?
You are focused on the negative thoughts and being pessimistic, depression can cause this. Let me show you an illustration of how depression typically forces to focus on only the negative thoughts that you have.
So in order to help you, we can do some techniques to help you think more positively and objectively about things, so that you do not focus on these negative thoughts. This will help you a lot. This is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) by the way, it is very effective for your situation and symptoms.
today is bad day , yesterday was better ... until I found out he was with "her" last night... and it brought me down
I am sorry to hear that, these techniques that I will show you will help. I can also look in your area for a therapist that can help you too if you want
So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more objective and plausible). This will help you change your way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has a premise that your symptoms are caused by negative thoughts, so the goal is to change that thought process from negative to positive/objective, and this will lessen your symptoms and help you feel better
I think this worksheet can be helpful as well as you can use it replace and self-critical thoughts you have with more positive self-beliefs
Also these worksheets helps a lot with controlling your anxiety and fears by decastrophising a situation with alternative thoughts that are more objective and not negative. They will force you to think more positive
negative thoughts.... yeah I have many
but it always about him and "her" ... I guess it makes me feel rejected... when I know its not about me
I imagine you would have a lot of negative thoughts, and we are going to eliminate those negative thoughts with these techniques to help you to feel better
so... everytime I get down... I write it on these sheets?
Well this thought makes you feel rejected because you feel it is your fault that he is with her and that it is your fault that your marriage ended, which is far from the truth because he was the one that left the marriage and did not communicate with you. This self-blame and guilt is associated with depression
Yes every time you have a negative thought and feel down, write down on the worksheets to help analyze the situation from a more objective and positive viewpoint. Eventually this will become ingrained in your mind and you will start to think positively and objectively and you will no longer have the negative thoughts
this morning... I felt really down and rejected because in my "mind" i was thinking he would rather be with her than me.... so it brought me down... so i would need to use which sheet for this thought?
that i am not good enough, etc.. feeling rejected etc...
Yes you would use the Thought Record and the Positive Belief Record for these thoughts, because you are also having negative self-critical thoughts. These worksheets will help you, and also I would like to recommend two books for you too.
These books have more detailed self-help exercises as well that can be very beneficial for you too.
Therapy and these techniques are a gradual approach, so it will take some time till you start to feel better. Are the symptoms and thoughts pretty severe right now?
they fluctuate daily... im fine when he is not with "her" but as soon as I know or see ( feel) that he is with her... it brings me down....
its a rejection issue I have... i guess
Okay, well you mentioned that you have tried meditation and this is similar and can be pretty effective. This is a link for something called Progressive Muscle Relaxation that can help you create a long term calm by using muscle tension and release techniques.
Also supplements of St. Johns Wort and Omega-3 are very good to help improve your mood and not focus on the negative thoughts as much
If you would like something stronger,you can try the medical route and you can use an antidepressant medication on a temporary basis until the CBT techniques really start to take hold.
how long would it take around .... usually ? CBT techniques to work ?
im not into antidepressants
That is fine, you do not have to take the antidepressants, I just want to give you all of your options. But the natural supplements of St. Johns Wort and Omega-3 (fish oil) can be very helpful for you and like I said they are natural supplements you can buy over the counter. Usually with CBT you can start to see noticeable benefits in 2-3 months, and you should see maximum benefits in 6-12 months. It really depends on how severe your symptoms and negative thoughts are, and how much your practice these techniques. The more your practice, the faster the positive and objective thought process will become ingrained.
you know... he used to say was "negative" all the time.... i think perhaps I was little depressed after the baby and it never went away??? possible?
That is possible, post-partum depression can linger and become a more long lasting depression called dysthymia. Here is a link describing dysthymia in more detail for you.
If this is dysthymia, the techniques, the books, and the natural supplements should help you significantly
oh my... some of those symptoms i may have had ... but then i found yoga and chanting and it helped.... but i guess it was too late ... i feel awful . but to leave a marriage and not communicate ??? i dont know
You should not blame yourself for this at all, this was not your fault. He was the one not communicating to you. I am glad that Yoga and chanting helped you, it can be very relaxing.
thank you ... I will print all these worksheets and do them on a daily basis.
That is great, they should help you a lot. And also I just realized you are in Canada, so let me get you the links of the books to the Canadian website of Amazon.com, they are not expensive.
Ok , thank you... can you please also send them all to me via email... I can also just get them here... and scroll up
I am actually not allowed to email you directly, so the website actually just blocked your email from me to see. But a link of this chat will be sent to your email, so you will have all the links to websites I referenced also you can bookmark this link to have easy access to the chat in the future. The chat will always be up for you and will never go away.
And here is the last book for you
thank you :)
Anytime, is there anything else I can do for you today?
thank you Dr Z.. you made a difference :)