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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
how do we start?
Thank you for joining the chat.
This is a dialogue to explore your situation
ok well i don't know exactly how to deal with my feelings about this. I've spoken to my husband about it
the friendship was going well and now she is ignoring my messages
i have not done anything confronting
just had feelings
Attraction, romantic and sexual is normal, and being in committed exclusive relationship, including marriage does not make people immune from experiencing them, but it is how you cope and what you do about it what makes the difference between healthy and dysfunctional behavior. Now the fact of finding yourself experiencing homosexual feelings-sensations adds an extra challenge to the situation, and it must be addressed with total honesty.
are you telling me I should tell her? or my husband or both?
You just said you already told your husband about it, didn't you?
I'm just going crazy that she is ignoring me at the moment, because i don't understand we had no argument
was that a good thing?
It was necessary. How you feel about your husband now and how was his reaction?
his reaction was supportive so that really helped
I am glad to know that. Now what about you? Did you mean you have developed romantic-sexual feelings towards this female friend?
I always really liked her as a person but just in the last week I have felt more
I see. As I explained before, these situations do happen, including heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual feelings, and what makes the difference and should guide your actions is what you value, belief, expect and need to build-experience in your life, taking full responsibility for it.
I just don't know why suddenly out of the blue she starts ignoring me, do you think people can just tell?
In committed, healthy and fulfilling relationships, couples could feel attracted to other people, but they willingly choose to keep the exclusivity of their commitment, because of their worldviews, what they value and want to build in their lives as a couple.
is that what you are telling me to do?
Many time people could notice the attraction, and would change behaviors as a way to manipulate others, to have control over them, and if the person does not happen to be assertive enough, or confident about her preferences and life options, it could truly impact her emotionally and mentally, leading to real personal and marital crisis.
I am not telling you to do this or that, but inviting you to reflect in what are your top priorities, what you value the most, and to be consistent with that, to reassess your core needs and expectations, to make adjustments to your belief system if necessary, and to choose from there what you want to afford here, taking into account the pros and cons of each option.
hmm that all sounds pretty complicated
not sure where I would even start
If this would be not about a woman, but about a male friend, would you feel the same, do the same? Would you tell your husband about it and would engage in these feelings the way you do now?
It is complicated, and it requires to be taken very seriously because it is about your personal life, marriage, family and the lives of other people involved too.
no, normally if im a attracted to another man, i keep it to myself. But this is bigger, like I would not be talking to you, if It werent a hugely intense feeling
yes I know,
im not trying to break up marriages,
hers or mine
You may start by assessing how happy and fulfilled you feel in your marriage, with your husband, and what this new experience is showing about you, what you want, miss and need. From there you would need to dialogue with your husband about it.
yes we have talked a bit about that. do you think its related? we've done a lot of work on intimacy between us and it's always been a struggle
Then if there is no chance for you to allow yourself to even think about that possibility, what do you expect from it, what do you want from her and how do you expect your husband to take it, would you eel the same way if he happens to being your shoes too? What would you do then, be this supportive and tolerant?
For sure it is related, it would be impossible for it not to be related to your marital life.
at this stage I just want to see her, so I can see if the feelings hold up in person or whether its just fleeting. I'd like to tell her but only if I got the sense she could handle it. My husband said he would let us have a night together. He says he is not threatened because it is a woman.
Then I would suggest you to work on first clarifying and working on your marital issues, from there you would better know what you feel and want to do and afford about this female friend. I do suggest you to seriously consider individual counseling or psychotherapy to work on better understanding yourself, to work on your marital issues, and from there on how to cope with this specific situation.
do you think this is happening because of a problem in my marriage?
I see. I'd say that such would always be a very risky approach, but only each of you and both as a couple could make decisions about it, and from there take full responsibility for the consequences.
Most if the time that is a core factor, plus the presence of homosexual or bisexual preferences.
well i have no issue with considering myself bi-sexual
so, if you are attracted to some one other than your spouse, does that mean there is a problem in the relationship?
Good, but you ave been living a heterosexual life style and marriage, right?
i guess it took time to figure it out, after i got married
did not know it then
No, as i said before, everybody could feel attraction to other people, that's totally normal, but what makes the difference is what you do about it. You could acknowledge it and focus on your commitment if you happen to be into an exclusive relationship, or you could leave your partner or add the other person if you value, belief system and life style are compatible with such behavior.
ok. well i guess i need to work out whether this type of marriage is going to work for me. I think maybe I need some freedom in it to be with others, but you say that is risky...
It is and it does not mean it is wrong, since it depends on what you experience, want and are willing to afford, thus it would be different for each person facing the same situation.
ok thank you, XXXXX XXXXX given me some clarity
You're welcome. Thank you for your trust.
can i just ask, do you think I need to tell my husband every time I am attracted to some body else? and if so, why?
can i get a copy of this transcript?
You would have such a need depending on the nature of your commitment and relationship, on your value and belief systems. Some people and relationships think it is fine not to be totally honest and open about many things, and they could even agree to do handle things that way, what does not mean it is necessarily healthy. My suggestion is to be totally truthful with yourself, and honest towards your husband based on what you have agreed to do in your relationship, in that way if something does not work for you, you could work on it as possible, and if not, you would know what to do as responsible adults without hurting each other.
It is and will remain available here: http://www.justanswer.com/mental-health/7zm29-married-woman-suddenly-hugely.html?src=dn
You're welcome. Take gentle care.