Please understand that this is a very common situation. You have put a lot of work, a lot of trust, and a lot of love into that relationship, just to see it go the way it has. No wonder you are sad and depressed. You are effectively going through a process of grieving, coming to terms with a loss. It may not have come about through a death, but it is still a severe loss of part of your life.
For many of us, the loss of a loved one - - in any way - is our ultimate fear come true. Your loss is unique to you - no-one really knows the depth of your feelings, and because we are all different, we react differently to loss, and we all grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way - there is just your way.
However, there are some threads of emotion that are common to almost everyone at a time like this.
Disbelief. - It can take quite some time to accept that the loved one has left. People don't want to believe it, and indeed, some times they cannot, at first
Loss. The loss of the person you loved, your togetherness, friendship, hopes, closeness, their love, their friendship, intimacy and hopes often brings with it a devastating feeling of sadness
Guilt and regret. Often, we regret hurtful things we may have said or done, the missed chances of saying ‘I love you’ and the things we always meant to do. You may feel bad about the feelings of anger you may be going through, too.
Injustice. Why did this have to happen to me? It's not fair! Why did God let this happen?
Depression. Feeling low is a natural part of the process and sometimes, it leads on to real depression. You might become withdrawn, lose interest in life and feel that there's no point in going on.
Anger. You might feel angry with the world or with people for being unable to help you, not understanding your loss, saying thoughtless things! Sometimes people feel angry with the lover for abandoning them and leaving them behind to hurt – this is often one of the most difficult problems to deal with.
Fear of the future. You might feel lonely and afraid, not knowing what the future might be like, and having to adjust to a totally different way of life. It can be a very lonely time, and often, people feel that others can possibly understand your loss. Sometimes, too, it feels as if nobody cares anyway.
Every single one of these feelings is a perfectly normal part of adjusting to loss, and it can feel as if they will go on forever. The truth is, they won't. Every single one, can, with time and understanding, be dealt with.
For many people, just being able to talk about their loss, being able to share their feelings and experience in a safe, non-judgemental place is the start of healing the pain. It can be so difficult to do this even with family and friends, partly because of their personal involvement, and to tell the truth, because it often makes them feel uncomfortable and helpless.
In addition, from what you say, you are showing the signs of depression. Please don’t try to ignore them – they have to be dealt with.
Part of the problem is that you may be suffering from mixed anxiety and depression - depression is causing you to feel bad, and the other part is that your negative thinking about your life situation is just adding to that.
Both these things can be dealt with by a combination of proper medication and a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a form of therapy that addresses problems in a direct and targeted way and is brief compared with most other therapies. Just being able to talk to someone who will listen and not judge will help you to adjust to the present and see a new future.
The first thing you need to do is to see your Doctor – he will give you a full diagnosis and if appropriate, start your on a suitable anti-depressant medication.
Depression is seen as a chemical imbalance in the brain, just as diabetes is a chemical imbalance in the body. Diabetics take medication to stay well, why shouldn’t you?
Don’t be afraid of taking medication – it could really help turn your whole life around
Two important issues about this - when you is on medication, you must take it at the correct dose and as prescribed. It is no use missing doses or messing around with the dose.
Secondly, you should know that anti-depressants can take up to 8 weeks from the start of therapy before they begin to show beneficial effects, so it's no use quitting after two weeks.
I mentioned CBT - is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also cause the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.
These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.
If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted, the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful.
The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.
Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.
Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.
Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.
Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:
If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:
Make the first step NOW – get an appointment with your Doc, and you can start to get better.
You’ll also find some very good help here: