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Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2543
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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I need help and dont know where to go. My now ex girlfriend

Resolved Question:

I need help and don't know where to go. My now ex girlfriend and I have been together for about a year. The road was rough but we got through just about everything. There were times when she doubted us and times when I did too but at the end of the day our love got us through it all. I warned her that once college classes start that she would end up making some new friends and forget me. That's exactly what happened. Out of nowhere she went from this person who was in love with me to this person who didn't want to do this anymore. She claimed that her feelings changed and that she was masking alot of the happiness in our relationship. Despite my pleas, she refuses to give us another chance. It has left me in the most broken, depressed, lonely, and painful state that I have EVER been in. I don't know what to do. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and I can't go back to sleep because I am in so much pain. I don't want to eat half the time and I am constantly depressed.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Norman M. replied 1 year ago.

Norman M. :

Hi, I´m Norman. Can we chat?

Norman M. :

Sorry about the delay! Are you two still in contact?

Customer:

Hi Norman, we are slightly in contact. If i need to talk to her I am able to but I can tell that shes not that interested in the conversation. At one point in time she was crazy about me and now I can't even have a small texting conversation with her hardly.

Norman M. :

Sad to here what you have are having to deal with just now, but believe me, you can deal with it. There are a couple of issues here that we need to consider - your feelings about your situation and your possible - indeed probable - depression. Do you agree?

Norman M. :

Still there?

Customer:

yes, sorry I am an IT Tech at work. If I have to leave for an extended period of time will I be able to get back to you at a later time? Yes I do agree that we need to consider those things.

Norman M. :

I think the best thing for the moment is if I switch this to Question and Answer mode, and leave a detailed answer there for you when you return.. How about that?

Customer:

That sounds fine with me.

Norman M. :

OkI´ll do that. Bye for now!

Expert:  Norman M. replied 1 year ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Norman M. replied 1 year ago.

Please understand that this is a very common situation. You have put a lot of work, a lot of trust, and a lot of love into that relationship, just to see it go the way it has. No wonder you are sad and depressed. You are effectively going through a process of grieving, coming to terms with a loss. It may not have come about through a death, but it is still a severe loss of part of your life.

For many of us, the loss of a loved one - - in any way - is our ultimate fear come true. Your loss is unique to you - no-one really knows the depth of your feelings, and because we are all different, we react differently to loss, and we all grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way - there is just your way.

However, there are some threads of emotion that are common to almost everyone at a time like this.

Disbelief. - It can take quite some time to accept that the loved one has left. People don't want to believe it, and indeed, some times they cannot, at first

Loss. The loss of the person you loved, your togetherness, friendship, hopes, closeness, their love, their friendship, intimacy and hopes often brings with it a devastating feeling of sadness

Guilt and regret. Often, we regret hurtful things we may have said or done, the missed chances of saying ‘I love you’ and the things we always meant to do. You may feel bad about the feelings of anger you may be going through, too.

Injustice. Why did this have to happen to me? It's not fair! Why did God let this happen?

Depression. Feeling low is a natural part of the process and sometimes, it leads on to real depression. You might become withdrawn, lose interest in life and feel that there's no point in going on.

Anger. You might feel angry with the world or with people for being unable to help you, not understanding your loss, saying thoughtless things! Sometimes people feel angry with the lover for abandoning them and leaving them behind to hurt – this is often one of the most difficult problems to deal with.

Fear of the future. You might feel lonely and afraid, not knowing what the future might be like, and having to adjust to a totally different way of life. It can be a very lonely time, and often, people feel that others can possibly understand your loss. Sometimes, too, it feels as if nobody cares anyway.

Every single one of these feelings is a perfectly normal part of adjusting to loss, and it can feel as if they will go on forever. The truth is, they won't. Every single one, can, with time and understanding, be dealt with.

For many people, just being able to talk about their loss, being able to share their feelings and experience in a safe, non-judgemental place is the start of healing the pain. It can be so difficult to do this even with family and friends, partly because of their personal involvement, and to tell the truth, because it often makes them feel uncomfortable and helpless.

In addition, from what you say, you are showing the signs of depression. Please don’t try to ignore them – they have to be dealt with.

Part of the problem is that you may be suffering from mixed anxiety and depression - depression is causing you to feel bad, and the other part is that your negative thinking about your life situation is just adding to that.


Both these things can be dealt with by a combination of proper medication and a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a form of therapy that addresses problems in a direct and targeted way and is brief compared with most other therapies. Just being able to talk to someone who will listen and not judge will help you to adjust to the present and see a new future.


The first thing you need to do is to see your Doctor – he will give you a full diagnosis and if appropriate, start your on a suitable anti-depressant medication.

Depression is seen as a chemical imbalance in the brain, just as diabetes is a chemical imbalance in the body. Diabetics take medication to stay well, why shouldn’t you?


Don’t be afraid of taking medication – it could really help turn your whole life around

Two important issues about this - when you is on medication, you must take it at the correct dose and as prescribed. It is no use missing doses or messing around with the dose.


Secondly, you should know that anti-depressants can take up to 8 weeks from the start of therapy before they begin to show beneficial effects, so it's no use quitting after two weeks.


I mentioned CBT - is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also cause the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.

These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.

If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted, the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful.


The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.

Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.

Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.

Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx


If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm


Make the first step NOW – get an appointment with your Doc, and you can start to get better.


You’ll also find some very good help here:

http://www.depression.com/

Best wishes,

Norman

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Considering my view on life at the moment, eight weeks seems like a long time for an anti-depressant to kick in. I have trouble sleeping and getting through the day. It's left me with this feeling that life is not worth it. Though I am not necessarily suicidal, I understand the reasoning and concept of it much more clearly than I used to. Certain parts of the day I will be fine, and then it will hit me out of nowhere and it literally makes me physically sick because it hurts so bad. Friends are no help and I can't talk to family either. They always say that its "for the best" but I disagree. There was a time not that long ago that I wanted to leave her and I was questioning the point of the relationship. However, I just convinced myself to keep fighting and she decided to leave instead. So the tables turned on me so quickly and I am left with nothing. I know I am "young" and people say that "I don't know true love", but I have felt true love. I have had that feeling that is indescribable and I still feel it. I am one of those guys that thinks about the future more than anything else, and now I have no reason. The future hurts to think about because I keep thinking about how we only have one life, and I can't imagine living my ONE life on earth with anyone else. I think you are right that I just need someone to talk to and listen to me, because I don't have that and it is causing these emotions to bottle up inside. Disbelief is the biggest thing, I just can't believe that someone who has loved me and fought with me for so long can suddenly turn into this person that no longer cares or wants this. That is where the most pain comes from.

Expert:  Norman M. replied 1 year ago.
You have described the situation wonderfully well.Those who say you don´t know true love cannot, or will not understand what you are feeling. When people say "It´s for the best" are really trying to help you feel better, but it doesn´t work, does it.Your symptoms are classically those of depression, and I strongly suggest that you do as I have suggested. The combination of medication and therapy is by far the best approach.

You can do this, and move on to a brighter future, as millions, yes millions of people have done, when at first they thought there was nothing left for them. There is!

Best,
Norman.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2543
Experience: ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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