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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry to know about this situation. Could you please tell me if this is the first time that you experience problems with erection?
Well, not the first time. Last month, I felt that situation occur, then didn't happen again. I thought it was just that It was warm. Then last Thursday night as we got it really excited and she was going to do oral, I felt that warm sensation in my back. Then when I would think of the night I would get that feeling over my body.
I can get an erection, but when that feeling comes over it kind of hampers my ability lately.
Thanks for replying. I could say that based on you story this erectile temporary dysfunction related to this experience of warm and cool sensation, (as long as there has not been any other factor that could have affected you, from a medical condition, medication, illegal drugs, serious issues or similar), then it seems that you have developed this dysfunction, which uses to be psychogenic, or have a psychological nature, caused by anxiety or stress.
In some way your mind has associated this sensation with anxiety-tension and that could easily affect your erectile function.
Have there been any extra stress, concerns, issues in your life since the first episodes happened, in comparison to your past when you did not experience this problem?
Have you suffered of stress or anxiety problems before?
well, I am self employed right now and we are in the process of getting married in December. I just never felt this extreme sensation throughout my body where I would feel this heat running through my body when she is turning me on. We don't take drugs or even alcohol. Is there a way to turn this feeling off?
Since her first attempt at oral on me really turned me on, did that create this problem over the weekend?
The only way to know for sure the nature of this sensation would be through a medical evaluation and if no health problems are found, then a complete psychological assessment would be necessary. I'd say that it could be a way your anxiety-stress somatizes - gets expressed through your body - leading to this erectile dysfunction. In order to have a good erection, you would need to work on the anxiety-tension behind the somatic symptom.
I believe the challenges and stress that marriage could present, specially if you are self-employed and feel pressured by material-financial factors, and from other areas, it could easily create extra anxiety and stress levels that could create many if not most common sexual dysfunction, like the one you report.
The sensation itself does not cause the erectile dysfunction, but it is a way your stress-anxiety expresses itself and you have associated it with the erectile problem, ans the more you reinforce such association, the more difficult it could get to get back to normal.
Since this happen recently, could it be just that I was too stimulated that night. Is there a way for me to reinforce the fact that the heat sensation not be part of the problem and reduce stress?
Problems like this use to be consequence of over stimulation related to anxiety or stress. Yes, it is possible to associate the sensation with a different result-impact, but for that to be effective you need first to work on reducing your level of anxiety-stress around not only your sexual performance but about your wedding and all the changes that your life is going though.
The sensation seems to be the physical symptoms of your anxiety. Denying that would not help, but only lead to repression and not to a real solution. I would not suggest anybody in your shoes to do that. My suggestion is for you to improve insight about this problem, understanding that the physical sensation does not cause the erectile problem, but shows your anxiety-stress at the physical level, that addressing your life challenges and problems, and the way you cope with them, reducing anxiety-stress would then positively impact the way you feel and perform in your sexual life.
I suggest you to implement relaxation techniques on a regular basis, and specially before sex. To address any stressful situation and nto to engage in sexual activity unless you get the time to clean your mind and heart from the tension coming from life issues and challenges, that way you would be preparing the psychoemotional climate for good emotional and sexual intimacy, then for a fulfilling sexual relationship.
Does it make sense?
When you feel this sensation, verbalize what you feel, try to slow down and relax, taking deep breathing and the time to share without pushing sex. Before sex, make sure you vent as much as you can your worries and tension from work, wedding, future and about any other situation, verbalizing your feelings, that way you would create mental-emotional relief, and be more in tune and less anxious to enjoy your sexual life.
If after you try this for 1-2 weeks you see that your level of stress-anxiety and the sexual dysfunction continue, then please look for a professional psychotherapist to support you on developing better coping skills, anxiety management, to vent and process feelings and fears from your different life areas, and to know how to improve and implement these skills during your sexual relationship. that way you would guaranty this problem does not become chronic.
any local therapists in buffalo new york
Please talk with your fiance about it and work together on it. Then if you want, let me know how it helps you or not, I will follow up and see that else could be done about it. Try to be mindful about your levels of stress and anxiety for you to improve insight on the nature and way them affect your mood and sexual performance.
I am sorry but I do not know any in that area. Please take your time to contact at least three, for you to be able to assess which one seems more professional experienced and empathic, able and willing to listen, to truly support you, then choose the best one and be %100 honest about your experiences for him to help you as much as possible.
how do we contact you
Just make sure you include my name in your question for me to know that you want me to reply (my name is Rafael). In case you have a hard time finding a good therapist locally, please consider on line counseling as an alternative for getting professional support. There is a new program created here that could offer confidential counseling support. In case you do not find a good local professional, just let me know since I'm willing to support you with professional and confidential counseling too.