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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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My 9.5 year old son allegedly asked another boy during a sleepover

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My 9.5 year old son allegedly asked another boy during a sleepover at our house to suck his penis! They were sleeping in a tent and the other boy says my boy dropped his pants and said it. This boy told his teacher at school, so he could be moved from sitting beside my boy. Is this normal behaviour? There has definately been no abuse or any chance of it? I feel my son is a little on the outer at school and might of done it for attention. When I questioned him as to why he did it, he said that he got carried away. Please help settle my nerves.

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

DoctorZ :

I definitely understand you concern about your son exhibiting this type of behavior, but I do have to tell you that this is not abnormal for his age, but I would like to ask some questions to give you the best information possible

DoctorZ :

Is is possible that your son may have accidentally viewed pornography on the internet at all?

Customer:

No, not to my knowledge. We don't have any of those channels here and isn't internet savvy at all, thank god. He has only ever gone to one sleepover at another boys home but I don't think anything would of happened there. I have asked him if anyone has said or done it to him and he says no.

DoctorZ :

Okay, I just wanted to make sure because you know the internet is very full of those types of images and videos and it can be confusing to someone of his age.

DoctorZ :

Has he been distant at all, depressed, anxious, insomnia, nightmares, or anything unusual before this incident that you noticed?

Customer:

I feel he's been a little down. He's in Year 4 and one of the younger ones in his grade. Around the last month or so, he's been having trouble (fighting) with another boy at school. But yes, quite moody.

DoctorZ :

Okay, and when you asked him about any possible abuse or if someone did that sexual act to him, I understand that he said no, but did his body language at all indicate that he was lying or afraid of someone?

Customer:

No and to be honest, there would never have been an opportunity for that to have happened.

DoctorZ :

Okay, that is what I thought I just wanted to reassure you and confirm that there was no abuse in case that was a worry that you had.

Customer:

He's also a kid that takes things really literally and I believe there's lots of really bad talk in the schoolyard by some of his peers which I have alerted the school to.

DoctorZ :

At his age, he has already begun to start self-stimulation of his genitals and he realizes that this results in pleasure. So also at his age, he will begin to sexually experiment with his peers as well. Most likely he may have heard of similar acts in the schoolyard like you said and he may have felt curious to try it.

DoctorZ :

This is quite common behavior and I think a talk about why he should keep his private parts private would be important and to wait until he is older to try these things when he is ready.

DoctorZ :

Around 9-12 years old is the typical age range for this behavior and also when the "sex talk" is usually given in more detail to children as well

Customer:

ok. So I can stop worry that I have a sexual deviant on my hands??? I do believe it was an attention seeking thing. He does seem to be a lot more immature than some of his peers.

DoctorZ :

I would definitely not be worried that he is a sexual deviant from this one event. If he repeats this behavior, even though he has been told it is wrong, and tries this behavior in public, or using manipulation/coercion or physical violence in the future, then I would be concerned, but this was most likely just experimentation.

Customer:

ok thanks for that

DoctorZ :

It could be attention seeking as well, although if it was he might have been more vocal about it before the other child said something to the teacher

DoctorZ :

I think helping him understand why this behavior is for adults and why it is not socially appropriate would help him a lot.

Customer:

We've told him that his privates are his and to never do this again.

DoctorZ :

And you think he understood pretty well?

Customer:

I think so. I'll give it a while then have a chat again. Worried now about having a friend over again.

DoctorZ :

I understand your worry, let it sink in and give him the opportunity to ask questions to you if he has them, but I doubt this behavior will come up again. Then after you feel comfortable that he understand pretty well why not to exhibit this behavior, you can invite a friend over. In fact, most likely he will never even think about doing it in a large group, so the first sleep over you may want multiple children there.

Customer:

ok thanks for all your advice

DoctorZ :

Anytime, is there anything else I can assist you with?

Customer:

no that's great thanks

DoctorZ :

Well I wish you and your son the best of luck with everything. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.

Customer:

thanks

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