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Ask Dr. Z Your Own Question

Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5411
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I have Parkinsons and recently got married. My new wife has

Resolved Question:

I have Parkinson's and recently got married. My new wife has said that my behavior has shown passive aggressive behavior which she is demanding I change or she is going to leave me. Is their something I should be aware of short of not making excuses or what can I do to let her know this is something that is not normal behavior for me. She says if I'm aware of what I do I should be able to change just like that. What can I do to let her know that this is not normal but something she might be more tolerant with me.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

DoctorZ :

I am sorry that your wife is not quite understanding about your inability to change your behavior in an instance and how you she demands that you change or she will leave you.

DoctorZ :

I can imagine how distressing this is for you

DoctorZ :

I would like to ask you a couple questions to give you the best possible information if that is okay with you.

DoctorZ :

You mentioned that you recently got married, for how long have you been married to your wife? And did she every make this complaint of your behavior before you got married?

Customer:

We have been married 16 months and no she was very understanding and even wanted to know about Parkinson's and went to great length to show and tell me she would take care of me no matter what. Her level of understanding has changed and tells me i can change my behavior if i try hard enough.

Customer:

Conferentation is very distressful to me and changes how i feel as it makes me tense and light headed.

DoctorZ :

Well changing your behavior is not that easy, because passive aggressiveness is a personality trait that you most likely developed when you were a young adult, so it is very well ingrained into your personality type. But you can change your passive aggressiveness with time and good therapeutic techniques

DoctorZ :

I understand how confrontation can do that, and most people do not like confrontation. So you developed this passive aggressiveness to still release you frustration, but still avoid the confrontation.

DoctorZ :

I do have to say that being passive aggressive is more easily treated then when someone who bottles in all of their anger and frustration

Customer:

How can I change forgetting short term tasks as I tend now to focus on multiple tasks without finishing the first task. Plus I tend to be late all the time now without a reason.

DoctorZ :

I know that you want to help convince your wife that this not easily fixed in an instance, so I would recommend this book to give her a better idea of what passive aggressiveness is. This book can also help you overcome this behavior in addition to some techniques that I will help you with

DoctorZ :

Okay so here is something for confrontation that you can use to be more assertive. While you tried to avoid being angry, but anger and frustration are natural emotions that should be expressed, but in an assertive and productive manner

DoctorZ :

This worksheet will help with that

DoctorZ :

In addition, this next technique will help you stop avoiding confrontation and will help you develop appropriate coping mechanisms that are not passive-aggressive

Customer:

This behavior has just been in the past couple of years. I own 2 successful business which have suffered little and I just can't seem to put a finger on my behavior. I feel like she is picking on me ll the time

DoctorZ :

Really this behavior has only been in the last 2 years. I think your passive aggression is then a response to her "picking on you" and the stress of your businesses. Have you two thought about couple's counseling because I was going to mention that I think she is judgmental on how you behave sometimes and she may benefit from hearing an objective voice on the matter.

DoctorZ :

Also it sounds like your passive aggression may be related so that you do not want to hurt her or disappoint her, so you avoid the confrontation, but instead subconsciously you are passive aggressive out of habit, so you do not know that you are doing it sometimes until after the fact. If this is the case, the your passive aggression is a coping style

DoctorZ :

Now for your short term task issue you mentioned, I think this Activity Log will be helpful for you. It will help you rate the task from most difficult to accomplish to least difficult. I think if you put it down on paper and rate the tasks you have accordingly it will help you finish one task at a time, instead of focusing on multiple tasks without finishing them

Customer:

We went to counceling and he blamed me or my past for my behavior. The thing is my new wife has been married 5 times and I feel like she goes through stages of being great then one day she is totally different. I will try your objectives but things are pretty rocky at the moment. Any advice short term?

Customer:

I'm not using Parkinson's as a excuse but it definitly has changed me.

DoctorZ :

Unfortunately there is not firm therapeutic technique that can help in the short term because therapy is more gradual and long term, but I would be interested in hearing more about your wife's mood changes that you described and this may not be entirely your fault.

DoctorZ :

I definitely do not think that you are you are using the Parkinson's Disease as an excuse, because you genuinely want to get better and help the relationship succeed.

Customer:

She goes on binges of eating a certain food for a month for example then goes on a different food binge. So i feel like she gets tired of one thing and moves on to another. Also she is constantly thinking that I am seeing other women which I'm not. She even ruined a night in Vegas accusing me of looking at a womens chest as she walked by. I couldn' help notice as she hardly had any clothes on. She got mad, left the hotel so I drove home 100 miles away.

DoctorZ :

Does you wife have any history of self-destructive behavior, like self-injury at all?

Customer:

No, but has to take Zanax to sleep every night

Customer:

She is very good looking and wears tight clothes so what gives.

DoctorZ :

Well it is possible that your wife may have traits of a personality disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This would explain her mood swings, anger/frustration episodes, impulsivity as evident by her food binges, and history of unstable relationships. Here is a link with more information for you

Customer:

Has a boob job and likes to show them off.

DoctorZ :

So she also has some self-esteem issues as well, which is also a symptom of BPD too

Customer:

Well I appreciate your help. thanks

DoctorZ :

Individuals with this disorder also can make relationships difficult, so you should not entirely blame yourself for what is going on in this relationship

DoctorZ :

Is there anything else I can assist you with tonight?

DoctorZ :

I can give you a couple good books on BPD for your information to help you better understand your wife

DoctorZ :

and what she is going through

Customer:

No. Thanks for the info. you have been most helpful!

DoctorZ :

I am glad that I was able to help you tonight. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.

Customer:

Can I get a herpes viris from her cold sore in her mouth giving me oral sex?

DoctorZ :

I believe it is possible because the transfer of the herpes virus requires skin to skin contact on an active sore, but I am not a specialist in this area, so I would confirm with your primary care doctor on this subject. But I do believe it is possible

Customer:

Thanks you have ben great

DoctorZ :

I am glad that I was able to help. I wish you and your wife the best of luck and I hope you have a pleasant weekend :)

Customer:

You too

DoctorZ :

Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

Customer:

yes I will

DoctorZ :

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX appreciate it

Customer:

I give you the highest rating A+

DoctorZ :

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX so nice of you :)

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5411
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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