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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4416
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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hi I have a marriage where my wife is verbally and mentally

Resolved Question:

hi I have a marriage where my wife is verbally and mentally abusive ,yes i still love her, right now we are apart, this has happened before, and i was ok with it , but now her court order back fired on her ,to hammer me, but i'm a widow and NO children remaining, passed away, and shes a nurse and knows just how to hurt me and stop and then love me , or cook a good meal, i actually want to go home , im with a friend , being a grounded christian i can not leave , counseling for a while but when shes figured out we stop, im a big boy, but will she will bring me home , and how long untill will she will miss me
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 10 months ago.

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concerns about your wife

DoctorZ :

I am sorry that she is exhibiting this behavior towards you, I can imagine how distressing this must be for you.

DoctorZ :

I would like to ask you some questions, so I can give you the best information possible.

DoctorZ :

Has you wife always been verbally and mentally/emotionally abusive to you throughout your marriage? If not, when did it start?

DoctorZ :

May also ask does your wife exhibit frequent mood swings at all, ever have intense feelings of depression or anger?

DoctorZ :

And is your wife impulsive at all?

DoctorZ :

These questions can help me better understand your wife, so I can give you the most accurate information possible.

DoctorZ :

I see that you are online, so you can answer these questions at anytime

Customer:

yes ,she has a bad day at work, and we talk and then I get put down first, like if i really love her I would support her, I am a mechanic and make 1/2 what she does ,but I do my best, XXXXX XXXXX off on workmans comp, for almost 2 years, and we are apart , but actually because I have no family and literally no kinfolk,and and shes all I have ,and I know I can leave ,but I don't want to , right now its been 6 to 7 weeks away, I am thinking she because shes alone to,and i'm thinking shes going to get lonley and call me home ,and in a way I'm ok, I have no where to go ,and I do not believe in divorce. we have been married for 4 1/2 years and her abuse did not start right away , just a little here and there, and but ramping up to no matter what , im on the defencive

DoctorZ :

Okay, it sounds like she may have some traits of a disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This is a disorder where it is very hard for your wife to manage her negative emotions (e.g. anger, anxiety, depression, etc...). So most likely she will take you back soon, because individuals with this disorder do have attachment issues and usually need to be with someone. Here is a good link explaining BPD and a book I can recommend you

DoctorZ :

Now I know that she does not respond well to counseling at this point, but has medication ever been considered to help calm her down. Also if given medication to calm her, she can be more favorable to therapy and probably learn a lot from it.

DoctorZ :

If you choose the therapy modalilty again, I would recommend Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). As this therapy has been proven to help her control her emotions better, so that she does not react this way to you anymore.

DoctorZ :

Here is a link explaining DBT more to you.

DoctorZ :

But I would recommend discussing medication options with her doctor that can be beneficial for your wife, also I can make some medication recommendations as well.

Customer:

the court is in the mix right now ,her restraining order backfired,like the cats are afraid of me I Feed them, then the dryer broke , and dishwasher broke,its 25 years old ,and stuff like that ,and now shes threatening divorce as a way for me to stay away, her lawyer says this order he says is really bad and non founded, is she doing this to pound on me to punish me ? and when should I expect her call

DoctorZ :

It is possible she is doing this in retaliation towards you, to try to punish you more. That is consistent behavior with BPD, as they are very impulsive with anger and vengeance. But to say when she will call you is hard to say because at one point an individual with BPD, like what I believe your wife has, will say she hates you and then the next minute she will say that she loves you and not to leave her, then the next minute she can say she hates you again. So the behaviors vary greatly with these individuals, including your wife. Your wife can call you in a month or 6 months, there is no firm answer because I cannot read her mind, and neither can you.

DoctorZ :

If you want, you can try to write her a letter and apologize for your actions and recommend a different type of counseling, like DBT, I mentioned to help heal the relationship. This will help her lessen her anger and vengeance that she has and may want to seek reconciliation with you.

DoctorZ :

I can also recommend some good DBT therapists in your area that can help you and your wife

Customer:

yes shes on xanax and wellbutrin, and so am I And she tells the doc i'm bipolar ,and the doc says in not, then she will argue and tell him i'm the sick one,but shes a hypochondriac

DoctorZ :

Borderline Personality Disorder is commonly misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder, so again I think this is why she feels she is not in control of her emotions.

DoctorZ :

In addition, Lexapro is a better medication than Wellbutrin for her symptoms

Customer:

I cant write right now because my lawyer says that would be bad right now ,like a court confession, so I have to wait ,until the order is stopper by her ,because if it goes forward the judge is going to throw it out ,and i'm told she will go ballistic, in court, so hes trying to defuse this ,and save us both ,

DoctorZ :

That makes sense and I would follow your lawyer's advice. It sounds like your lawyer is very good too and trying to help not make this situation worse by avoiding an angry reaction by your wife.

DoctorZ :

Well because of the limits the order places on you, I guess you do have to wait, but I would definitely read that book as it will give you great insight on your wife's behavior. So when she does call back, and I am pretty confident she will call back, you can use what you read in that book to help her and yourself

Customer:

so she will get lonely more or less and i'm home right now shes with a family grand ma type friend we both love ,and she wants to tell her we belong together, and should i expect her to go through with a divorce,knowing its expensive and shes been told she will be paying me and shes greedy , but afraid I will bankrupt her ,not true,

DoctorZ :

Well I cannot say 100 percent that will come back to you and reconcile the marriage with you because human behavior is very complex and I cannot read her mind. But with this type of disorder, individuals have attachment issues and hate to be alone for very long, so there is a strong indication that she will go back to you. But even if she does, I do have to warn you that the relationship will not change and she will continually to abuse you, unless she gets that DBT therapy and a possible medication change.

Customer:

sir I will do this, i'm told the same here but there was no name on it, i'm not a quitter and do you think she will follow through with a divorce knowing she will loose me ,so please tell me the book name again ,

DoctorZ :

You seem very determined and passionate, those are good qualities to help your marriage. I think she will have strong reservations about the divorce and most likely will not follow through because she does not want to be alone. Being alone scare individuals with BPD. I sent a link to the book, it was the second link I sent I believe, so you can click on that it will take straight to the book. But the book is called "I Hate You. Dont Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality Disorder" by Kreisman and Straus

Customer:

for me i'm understanding and forgiving, I know about her fear of being alone I had a night job ,and she would text me saying she cant sleep ,and scared ,and my being on nights I think caused this ??

DoctorZ :

You cannot blame yourself for this. Her disorder is most likely what caused this fear of abandonment and being alone and that is why she was having anxiety issues and could not sleep. I am pretty sure she does not know what Borderline Personality Disorder is, so if and when you do make contact with her again, let her know about this disorder and how it is commonly misunderstood as Bipolar Disorder, like she thinks. This can help her get motivated to get help

DoctorZ :

DBT is a great therapy for helping her with her symptoms, so while counseling in the past did not help her, that could be because it was the wrong type of therapy

Customer:

I want to help her ,love is crazy , and i care but limbo land stinks , I will find the book to help us , right now its like holding my breath, how long is to long .she knows I'm selling an old house of mine in a far off city and move,near by but I also owe her a small loan and I can pay her back , do you think she will over react or be more motivated to connect ??

DoctorZ :

Love is crazy, but can be very worthwhile with the right person. If you sell the house and pay off the loan, it will make her think that you are over her and ready to move on, and it is possible it will motivate her to seek reconciliation with you and rekindle the relationship as well.

Customer:

she has said that ,I would leave ..but nope I'm stuck on her , after loosing my other family money is different for me ,,you cant take it with you. but love is good and I'm willing to bend over back wards so you feel shes predictable because she has chased all of her kids all away, is this also connected ???

DoctorZ :

Unstable relationships with family, friends, and partners is something that is connected with this disorder and that is one reason why you and her are having these marital issues. But she can get help and change for the better with the right treatment.

Customer:

this is like you live here , so I stay and get her help .and us the help you recomend and not just live around the corner ,but her and I. but together and husband and wife

DoctorZ :

DBT therapy can definitely be used for couples therapy, so you both can go together. If you do choose to continue the marriage, like you stated, then this therapy modality is the best chance to help her.

DoctorZ :

It is considered the best treatment for individuals with BPD

Customer:

ok this helps me feel a lot more confident for my future, and ours too, deep in side I see a good woman ,,but yes she rubs people at work the wrong way, that is why shes on workmans comp for carpel tunnel, because she would come home ,its they did this and that,today ,and I just listen the best I can, now i understand why she has had work issues

DoctorZ :

Yeah, I think she has been struggling with this disorder for most of her life and never got the right treatment for it. Inside, I bet she is a good person, but it is hard to see because this disorder causes her to act out like this. With the right treatment, she will feel a lot better

Customer:

she has I found a letter from her ex husband saying they were always in some sort of therapy and finally he and the kids had enough and left her, divorced her about 8/9 years ago , and when I read it I saw problems ,,but I believe for better or worse ,,sickness and health.

DoctorZ :

That is very noble and admirable for you, you are a good husband to her. Like I said therapy is good, but if it is not the right type of therapy, then it will not be beneficial. This is why when she does come back to you, DBT is the best treatment option.

Customer:

so now the ball is in her court of when she drops the order, I hope soon, i have not slept in our bed for 2 months or more. so I do miss her you see watching my first wife suffer with heart disease for almost 7 years, and I learned a lot including patience, so i am truly great full I have to find a way to save this ,

DoctorZ :

I am sorry to hear about your first wife, that must have been very hard for you. Yes the ball is in her court, hopefully she will drop the court order soon and you can begin to get the right type of couples counseling to help her and heal your relationship.

Customer:

how do I go about to save this ,my memory is well a ,well im 59, and save and exit will do this

DoctorZ :

Actually save and exit, will not complete this for you. You have to rate me with the smiley faces at the bottom of the chat. And when you do a link to this chat should be sent to your email, so that you will always have it for future reference. This chat will never get erased either and will be saved with profile you made on Just Answer

Customer:

thank you good SIR,, I am truly blessed. God Bless you DOC

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4416
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
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  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
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