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RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I talked to a professional yesterday. This still bothers me.

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I talked to a professional yesterday. This still bothers me. I'd like to chat with someone with expertise in relationships.

I've created a bit of a problem for myself. I have gone out on two dates with a girl who is 19 years my junior. We met online. She is a single mother of two children that do not live with her. We by all accounts we had a good time and bonded particularly over the type of music we enjoy and had a tentative date for this evening. But there's a couple of complications of my making. First, I did not use my real first name. I used a nickname that I had thru high school which was many years ago. Second, although we talked about our previous marriages, I did not disclose that I am going thru a divorce one that is complicat ed by the fact that it is not yet complete and I'm still living with my wife. How these figure into my problem is this: I am reasonably certain that she checked by corporate webpage where it has my correct name and notes that I am still married as I got a text today cancelling our date for this evening and her stating that there was no chemistry between us. She did however say that "you're an awesome guy". I have yet to respond to her text. I've written one stating she's great and that some things don't appear as they actually are (referencing my two dilemmas) but just haven't sent it. OK that's the scenario. This is the question should I put my real first name at the end of the text or just send it as is. My thinking about appending my name is XXXXX XXXXX would be a cue for her to know what I've surmised that she knows. Or is this too cheeky and just send the text without the name. I'd really like to clear the air with her. If we don't date again I can understand that. I just don't want her to have the wrong notion of me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see from your story why you want to send this letter, and it does make perfect sense. I believe it is very necessary and assertive for you to do as planned, including your real name.

Customer:

I guess I don't know what you mean.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she doesn't know already, and gives you a chance you talk to her in the near future, my suggestion is for you to be totally honest and open towards her, in that way you would eliminate any bigger issue to the ones created before when you did not tell her about your real situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I mean that the only acceptable approach here would be to be honest towards this person, since that would be consistent with a person who respects and cares about the other person's feelings, happiness and well-being.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense now?

Customer:

What about my living arrangement? She knows I'm married because of my corporate profile but does not know that I'm in the middle of a divorce. I agree with being honest because she probably feels that she's been lied to...

Customer:

I guess I'd like to know how to manage this thing in my mind as its become a preoccupation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When I suggest being honest as the acceptable and assertive approach it means being truly honest. Telling one version of reality, or lying to her about your current situation would not be honest, Then honesty means %100 honest.

Customer:

By by the way based on my conversation with the expert yesterday I've already sent the text referenced in this note.

Customer:

without my name. I thought it would be cheeky.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The preoccupation arises from the moment there was not real honesty towards her. Once you choose to be totally honest, you would have no further worries about what could happen "if" she finds out the truth.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see.

Customer:

Yes you're right about the basis of the preoccupation. So what should I do? Wait a week or so and call her up. As I said in my note I'd just like to unwind this mess.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Perhaps writing a whole week would be too much, and too late for you to make some damage control here. Much better if you send a new message telling her about it ASAP. Then it'd depend on her if she wants to talk about it or not. Just fully respect her boundaries.

Customer:

I'd rather not write a note. You never know what will happen to those things. I've created a bit of a mess. I just checked her online profile and she changed it and mentioned many of the things we talked about doing. One thing I noticed in all of her profile posts is wine drinking and I don't drink.

Customer:

Maybe that was a deal breaker.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Then you'd just have to wait and see what happens, being ready for any new chance, being careful not to complicate things even more for you. Everything you do thinks twice since you do not want to afford more consequences from past mistakes.

Customer:

So how do I put all of this out of my mind? It's really effecting my affect, my attitude and productivity...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not suggest you to use any form of repression since it would only worsen your mental health and functioning, much better to be mindful about what happened, your present, careful doing what you know would lead to positive outcomes and focusing on everything you need to take care of, from work, to engaging in social activities, sports, doing the things that you used to enjoy doing, and not allowing yourself to stay passive speculating about it, focusing your mind and energy on it, since that would just reinforce it even more. Both extremes, repression on one hand, and obsessive attachment on the other do never help.

Customer:

You're right. I have been brooding about this. One thing I didn't mention is that I'm being treated for depression so I guess that figures in to.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely it does.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know you suffer of depression, then it is even more important for you to assertively address this situation, and please discuss about it with your psychotherapist too.

Customer:

Assertively address it how? Call her up and hope she takes the call. Send her an email and hope she reads it?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Doing what we just discussed here. You send the message already. Now if you prefer not to send a new one telling her about everything, the only option you would have is to call her by phone. Then everything else would be about waiting but not being passive, rather focusing on taking good care of yourself as suggested before.

Customer:

Then everything else would be about waiting but not being passive, rather focusing on taking good care of yourself as suggested before.

Customer:

I guess I don't understand.

Customer:

I just need to quit brooding about this.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You cannot control what this person feels, thinks, chooses to do or not about it or any other situation, then obsessing about that would not help but undermine your peace of mind and mood even more. Not being passive is not thinking all the time about it, while neglecting your life responsibilities and plans, taking good care of yourself as possible, from attending your psychotherapy sessions, to socializing, working out, doing the activities that help you to feel good and satisfied with yourself.

Customer:

So the plan of action should be:

Customer:

1. Get on with my day (I've yet to get ready for the office)

Customer:

2. Quit obsessing about this

Customer:

3. Find other ways to occupy my time and thoughts

Customer:

4. Maybe see if my therapist has some time this week..

Customer:

Did I forget anything?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Perfect!

Customer:

OK. Thanks.

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