Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this sad, frustrating an serious situation you describe here.
Witnessing abuse, any form of abuse could be as traumatic as, or even more overwhelming than being the direct victim of such abuse.
have you ever witnessed abuse?
You feeling overwhelmed by it shows hos serious and devastating this situation appears to be, your feelings of hopelessness and helplessness are every clear, and they show how much you care about them, and how painful it has been to be there without being able to make it stop.
Yes, I have
Could you tell me more about the specific situation for me to better understand it-you?
well sure I suppose
it began with me telling my partner that all the years I grew up that I had never been to any fair with my mother. And it being my partners vacation time off from work I asked that we spend part of it with my mother and sister going to the state fair. So we traveled down to the cities and paid for their food and tickets into the fair and I imagined in my mind it was the first family event that we had done since I don't even remember that is between me and my mom and sister.
But when we got to the fair everything started off fine except that I told my partner not to drink because my sister has problems with alcohol and a learning disability and I wanted my fiance to set an example for her. And my mother knowing that my sister has a problem said to my fiance that its okay if he has just one little drink.
well.. me and my mom went off to get a picture drawn of us and my fiance went with my sister for a little while and when they came back my mom told me they each had a drink
my sister went to the bathroom not long after that and never came back to us after the bathroom. we lost her for two hours at the state fair. when we finally found her through the police my mom yelled at her. and she didn't like being yelled at so after we left the police my sister started hitting my mother none stop and screaming as loud as she could scream
and then violently attacked her some more with her nails while hitting her and digging her nails into her kneck
I tried to get her to stop but she wouldn't listen to me
I am so sorry to know about this horrible episode. Wren't you and your partner there when it happened? You did not have the physical strength to stop her but what about ypur partner, and what did you do then to stop it and after it?
now I just feel lazy like I don't want to do anything. or I want to do everything but don't know where to start then I just give up again and I feel edgy like not happy not sad just not settled or calm
Abuse is always unacceptable, whether it is verbal, emotional, physical, financial, sexual or of any other nature. What you report happened shows a very disturbed person with serious mental illness, otherwise such violent episode would never had happened. Was this the first time she got that violent?
What you are feeling appears to be depression from a very traumatic experience, and it could feel just like that, it was very traumatic for sure, only you know how painful it felt for you to witness it and not to be able to help your mother.
I told my sister to stop and I said I needed them to leave the fair with me and my fiance , that the night was over and I needed us to all get back to the car to drop them off at their homes and they can go their own ways after that. But my fiance did nothing and at first I was so caught in the middle of trying to get my sister to control herself and get them back to the car that I didn't question the way my fiance went about the situation
but then I questioned why he didn't do anything at all while it was going on, he didn't say anything didn't do anything just watched
that is weird and very unfair to me
apparently this hasn't been the first violent episode she had there was one other that wasn''t brought to my attention till weeks passed that she had struck my mother and my brother had struck her too both at the same time hitting her she said
I am sorry but that is in fact unacceptable, very neglectful, since with hos passivity he allowed and enable the violence, even more when it was obvious it got that serious and you were trying to stop it without a chance. It shows he was very immature, uncaring and neglectful allowing and enabling the abuse by his passivity, which is shocking for sure just like your sister's violence against your mother.
This should have been reported to the police, since it is very serious and your sister is not a minor, since not doing so perpetuate and enables further violence and dysfunction.
who should report it to the police?
Any of the adults witnessing it, an obviously your mother who was the direct victim.
my mom said to me that its normal family have disagreements
she told me to stop my crying
for me I didn't feel like I could have stopped her and called the police at the same time
It isnorma behavior to have disagreements, but it is abnormal and unacceptable to abuse anybody with violence, like she did.
I'm a little mad at my mother after all this because she never thanked me once for trying to control my sister and putting myself in harms way trying to prevent her from hitting my mom
I am very concerned about your mother;s justification, it shows how she enables something as wrong and destructive as physical abuse. that violently.
I didn't understand her comment either
You are absolutely right, it is vey sad and frustrating, obviously dysfunctional
and when I told my sister that her abusing our mother was not okay she replied well moms hit my before so there
It shows how the violence and dysfunction is something enabled by your mother
yeah I wish I knew what to do about my family
cause at this point I just want to ignore them
and I think I am going to need a stronger anti depressent
I'm feeling all this uneasiness in my body and mind
I am sorry but this is unacceptable that was absolutely wrong, but its is overwhelmingly worrying how easily your mother and sister could take it as something perfectly fine, and to see how your partner was also OK and totally passive allowing it the way he did. very concerning, it shows he could be like that in any other violent-abusive situation, it's very concerning.
yeah you make a good point it is very concerning how passive everyone was including my fiance
I felt so alone
like I was the only do gooder
and I needed someone to counsel me
I am sorry, but I would never suggest the use of psychiatric drugs as a way to cope with it, to numb the pain, since that could only increase it deep down yourself, while repressing the feelings, giving you the illusion it's fine. I do suggest you to work on rehabilitating from depression, and for that only counseling or psychotherapy could help.
I know what you are saying
You cannot do much about your mother and sister, it should have been reported, but they are both adults and obviously enable each others' dysfunctions - codependency. But your fiance is active part of your life, and there you have a serious issue, since now you know the way he thinks, feels and handles abuse-violence, very concerning.
but I am on anti depressants because I was extremely suicidal. there was always abuse in my family growing up. verbal, mental, physical, milesting not sure how u spell that word
if it were not for the anti depressant I might be dead keeps me on an even keel
Please, seriously consider adequate psychotherapeutic support for you to work on your rehabilitation process and effectively cope.
I will Raf I promise
I want to but I do not do well in person with therapists
I always feel like they are robots and sitting there and judging me taking notes with no real idea of what kinda support would help me cope with an insane family and fiance
I see, then it makes sense. I think that these drugs should only be used when the person's life integrity and well-being would be seriously undermined or at risk without them, just like in your case. But please, do get necessary support to work on your own healing and rehabilitation process, even more because you have undergone so much, it is essential.
one time I cried and the lady acted as if it were the first person who ever broke down in tears with her. the other lady acted like I was crazy for thinking my mother hated me, and the person after all of them was so so but never really offered me any solutions or even said anything about the bad things that happened to me
I understand what you mean since I have seen and heard about it so many times, and it is true, very common and scary.
at least u say so and so was passive and that makes logical sense to me and makes me think I am not alone
I can say that I know more dysfunctional people working inn the mental health field than in any other area, and this is very common to hear everywhere
sometimes I don't know if I am stepping forward into the future or taking a step backward into the past if that makes sense
Many people with serious mental and personality disorders an d dysfunctional -abusive lives work in this area, many have good verbal skills ans social skills to be very manipulative and could easily use codependency to get clients and abuse them too in different ways. It's truly serious, and that's why people need to be very careful, but still look for real and good professionals to work on their healing process.
I want to feel like I am moving in the right direction with my life but having a dysfunctial partner and family and don't know if that can be achieved
It does, for sure
to many abusive people everywhere I look
now thats what really scares me
among other things
It cannot, that's why I suggest people in your shoes to set boundaries and distance from abusive-dysfunctional people and focus on building a healthy support system, otherwise it would be unrealistic to expect real rehabilitation and growth
thank you for being a really nice listener
Thank you for being this honest and open here, for trusting me. Pleas do reflect on these things, and work on taking better care of yourself with the right support, and away from abusive or dysfunctional people.
Please take gentle care, and consistent actions. Feel free to contact me for any further support.
how do you handle hearing all these peoples problems? I just mean I have these nightmares that are really bad all the time. I don't really tell people all of the nightmares I have but a few I have shared but I have them on a daily basis. The kind that leave you feeling really bad inside when u wake up. The kind the are extremely insane and scary. How do u deal with peoples trauma without having horrible dreams?
you know they diagnosed me a long time ago with something reffered to as borderline personality disorder and till this day I am not aware of what that is or how to not be borderline
I also have fibromyalgia now too so its a little difficult to feel happy all the time while in chronic pain
not to mention I get a migraine every other day
I wish I had a best friend psychologist or just a good friend