Welcome to the site.
I am Dr. Kaushik and i am a psychiatrist and i believe i can help you with your question.
I have read your question very closely and also the conversation that you had with the previous expert I believe you have been stuck in a vicious cycle of an underlying severe depression where in the more you make efforts to come out of it the deeper you tend to get immersed in it. This depression has stemmed from parental neglect
and emotional abuse that you had to go through in your childhood years. I believe you feel that you have been betrayed by your mother as she could have rescued you at times when you needed her most and probably you have never been able to forgive her for her callous and insensitive approach that she had towards you while rearing you up. So there is no denying the fact that you have a lot of emotional baggage which has never been resolved and it has made huge inroads into your life and personality making you depressed and dejected about your present as well as your future, besides making you loose trust in relationships.
Also it is apparent that the plausible reason behind you not being able to find a steady life partner is because you have seen your own mother having a rough and unsteady life with her own boyfriend plus your father's absence from yours and your mother's life must have made you doubly weary when it comes to making life long commitments with someone as a partner.
So basically your emotional trauma of your past has invariably clouded your mindset and has made you severely depressed which in itself has brought up low self esteem, low confidence, self loathing ideas, feeling of hopelessness, worthlessness and helplessness. So in order to move on in life you will have to beat down your past emotional demons and start a fresh chapter in life where in you should stop looking behind and try to concentrate on present so that your future blossoms. I know life has been unjust to you and i empathize with you since you have endured a lot of agony and disappointments in life but you are still young and you have time at hand to turn your life around and come out of your depressed state of mind and prove to yourself and to your detractors that you survived and did good despite having so many dejections and adversities in life. It will be a fitting reply to all those who have tried to pull you down and exploit you if you can just beat down your depression and start leading a content and tranquil lifestyle.
I believe you are normal but you have been stuck in depressive phase for a long time which needs to be brought to an end so that you can enjoy good things in life and enter in a trusting committed relationship which you never ever saw before. I can see hope for you and i will like you to gather some courage and wholeheartedly try your best to fight against your current state of depression as i feel there is a lot to live for and to achieve in life for you.
I will also endorse the idea of getting started on CBT or EMDR, but i believe at the moment you severely lack the patience to go through the sessions even if you like to , the reason is your depression has made you perpetually sad
from within, clouded your thinking and taken away your energy and will to stick to your resolution and until and unless you do not overcome these core features of depression completing therapy or even being regular on it seems to be a distant possibility.
So based on my vast experience in dealing with these disorders , i suggest that while you seek one of the above mentioned therapies but at the same time you shall get started on an anti depressant drug such as lexapro ( escitalopram) at dose of 10-20 mg / day by getting it prescribed from your family doctor plus in addition also get a mood lifting/ thought provoking / energy and will boosting drug started such as modafinil / provigil at modest dose of 50-100mg/ day. This 2 drug therapy will give a much needed boost to your recovery from depression by uplifting your sad mood and giving you energy and enthusiasm which are required to complete the therapy that you seek. ALso one cannot rule out the fact that these drugs invariably promote action of neurochemicals in the brain which are almost always involved in treating depression. Therapy as opposed to the above mentioned drug therapy takes longer time to act and needs perseverance and patience plus it deals with the emotional issues and tries to teach you strategies and coping skills to overcome your past emotional trauma but in order to complete the therapy you will be required to hang in there for several weeks patiently which at the moment is difficult for you to carry out, so here the drug therapy will come in and bail you out and help you to overcome depression while counseling / therapy takes it's due course of time to tackle your childhood emotional issues permanently.
I hope this gives you information about how you need to use the amalgamation of drug therapy and counseling to bring closure to your past emotional issues and overcome depression and start leading a life that gives you internal peace and happiness and is oblivious to your traumatic past.
Wish you all the best.
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