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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6079
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Ive created a bit of a problem for myself. I have gone out

Resolved Question:

I've created a bit of a problem for myself. I have gone out on two dates with a girl who is 19 years my junior. We met online. She is a single mother of two children that do not live with her. We by all accounts we had a good time and bonded particularly over the type of music we enjoy and had a tentative date for this evening. But there's a couple of complications of my making. First, I did not use my real first name. I used a nickname that I had thru high school which was many years ago. Second, although we talked about our previous marriages, I did not disclose that I am going thru a divorce one that is complicat ed by the fact that it is not yet complete and I'm still living with my wife. How these figure into my problem is this: I am reasonably certain that she checked by corporate webpage where it has my correct name and notes that I am still married as I got a text today cancelling our date for this evening and her stating that there was no chemistry between us. She did however say that "you're an awesome guy". I have yet to respond to her text. I've written one stating she's great and that some things don't appear as they actually are (referencing my two dilemmas) but just haven't sent it. OK that's the scenario. This is the question should I put my real first name at the end of the text or just send it as is. My thinking about appending my name is XXXXX XXXXX would be a cue for her to know what I've surmised that she knows. Or is this too cheeky and just send the text without the name. I'd really like to clear the air with her. If we don't date again I can understand that. I just don't want her to have the wrong notion of me.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

DoctorZ :

I understand your dilemma and I can imagine that you are a little distressed over it because you do like this girl and want to see if a relationship is possible with her.

DoctorZ :

May I ask, why did you use a nickname with her and not your real name?

Customer:

The site that I found her on was a "sugardaddy" site. I just wanted to remain anonymous and not to create any more tension with my wife.

DoctorZ :

Hmmm then she should be okay with the different names to remain anonymous in case this relationship did not work out. Now I am not as familiar wit that website, but I do know that some "sugarbabes" do not want to break up a marriage and she may think you are still married and not going through a divorce, is that a possibility?

Customer:

Yes. I believe that it's more than possible. And I really think she's on the site to reach a different caliber of men. She mentioned more than once her lack of success.

DoctorZ :

When you say different caliber men, does that include you too or do you mean she is looking for a different type of man then you?

Customer:

She stated to me that she has never dated a successful man and I think she added up until now. I forgot to mention that over this past weekend we exchanged very nice and enthusiastic texts. But on Monday she site profile changed and its tone was decidedly downbeat. This is why I think she viewed my corporate profile.

DoctorZ :

Well I think you can text her and mention that you are going through a divorce and that is why you sought this website. You can mention that you did not mean to deceive her, but that you wanted to get to know her first before you brought up your divorce. And you can just explain the divorce has been going through a lot of procedures and that is why it has been taking so long. I think she is more concerned about the marriage issue then your name if she saw your corporate profile.

Customer:

Why don't I ask her to meet me for coffee? I don't really like to send responses like that over the interest for how knows to see!

Customer:

And what about a quick text just to respond to hers?

Customer:

I was going to respond...

DoctorZ :

Yes I think coffee would be good and then you can explain your divorce situation.

Customer:

I was going to respond "sometime things aren't what they seem. You're a fun girl! Take care."

Customer:

Should I append my name. I just don't want to complicate this matter any further

DoctorZ :

Well how would say that response with the "take care" and add that you want to invite her for coffee? You do not have to use your real name in the text, that may seem like you are trying too much.

DoctorZ :

I think you can just ask her for one last coffee and then if she still does not feel the chemistry then you will understand

Customer:

I like the idea of inviting her to coffee sometime. I guess if she doesn't respond, I'll have my answer. I just don't like the fact that I've really complicated what should not be complex and that she may never get the total picture.

DoctorZ :

I understand, but I think she should understand that the SD/SB relationships can have some complications to them at first, but usually this is temporary.

DoctorZ :

I think the coffee is a more casual type of date and hopefully she should feel comfortable with that

Customer:

The other problem is I don't think she felt it was going to be that type of relationship. She's really not the SB type. Could I be over-analyzing this situation or trying to figure out how to manage her expectations?

DoctorZ :

Well may I ask, have you or her ever been in this type of relationship before?

Customer:

I have not nor has she. Her profile states that she wants to date successful men and the SB site is the avenue.

DoctorZ :

Okay, then I do agree that she may not be looking for the traditional "sugar daddy." It is possible that she may be nervous from this type of relationship the website promotes and she may be getting cold feet.

Customer:

Well she's been on the site the past two days. It appears she is interested still. I just reworked the text to include "Coffee sometime?" Your thoughts? Do people really study SD/SB relationships?

DoctorZ :

Psychologists and sociologists study everything including these type of mutually beneficial relationships. I think "coffee sometime" is good as it puts no pressure on her

Customer:

I think I've got a handle on what I've created and a plan to hopefully unwind it. If she doesn't answer the text with an acknowledgement of my coffee suggestion should I just drop it and learn from it in the future or wait a while and call her up?

DoctorZ :

I think if she does not respond to the text, I would leave it and if she chooses to call you later because she realized she had a great connection with you then you should consider restarting the relationship again.

Customer:

Fair enough. I've come to the notion that my wanting to unwind this mess is more for me to feel better. Take her perspective you suggest?

DoctorZ :

Yeah I think it is to make you feel better because you feel that you did something wrong to make her change her mind on this relationship, when in fact you are only speculating that she saw the corporate website. It could just be that she does not feel the chemistry after thinking it over.

DoctorZ :

I think if you invite her for coffee and do not push the issue then you have the best chance that she will reconsider and want to continue a relationship with you

Customer:

I'm not so much concerned about her changing her mind. I would just like the opportunity to unwind things. But I guess that will come with time.

DoctorZ :

If she gives you an opening to do that with coffee then I think that is fine. If you like you can write her a long email explaining your situation if she does not respond to your text, this way you can explain your side of things, that will help you unwind.

Customer:

She's not a big fan of long emails. Well Dr Z I think I have a plan. Thank you for your time. You've earned your pay this hour!

DoctorZ :

Anytime I am always happy to help. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.

Customer:

Thanks! What do I do now?

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6079
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Dr. Z
Dr. Z
Psychologist
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Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.