Robert, if the question is: have I seen that after a divorce, the mothers try to move the child/children away from allegiance to the fathers, this is true sometimes. I don't know about the statistics, but it is certainly a problem that we have to deal with on a regular basis. It can happen the other way, where the father has custody and maneuvers the allegiance against the mother; but it is much more often the case the other way. So, yes, this is something I've encountered; and I imagine most therapists who've worked for an extended period of times have encountered this problem.
It's not a new problem, really. Divorce has been a prevalent societal phenomenon here in the US since the 1980s in large numbers. Thus, I'm also now already seeing adults in therapy who were raised by parents of divorce where this occurred. And it is an emotional difficulty and/or sometimes even very difficult emotionally. Because you see, when they are adults, they have the opportunity to look back and reexamine these dynamics from a different perspective. And they often realize the manipulation and the untruths that were sometimes used. And this can lead to confusion and anger on their parts now that they are adults. But it often also leads to wanting to get to know the estranged parent more. So there is hope as well.
Would it be more prevalent with BPD? I don't know with any certainty, but one would think that it might be the case. But even if not, it's a common problem in divorce.
The best strategy is to not bad-mouth the manipulating parent. Because then you only confirm what she will be trying to say about you, that you're mean, nasty, uncaring, unloyal, unreliable, etc. The best strategy is to be positive and to show love and caring for him. Focus on him, not her. And he will want to spend more time with you and take whatever opportunities he can get from her. I know this is a tough strategy because you and other dads feel this very painfully. But I can only share with you that, while it is hard, it is the most successful strategy in the long run.
I'm glad you're okay and I wish you the very best!
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