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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5763
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My girlfriend was raped before i met her, and then again two

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My girlfriend was raped before i met her, and then again two nights ago at a wedding out of town that she went to with one of her girlfriends. She was drugged as she just today started remembering bits and pieces of the incident. When she first told me all she could remembering was waking up in the hotel lobby and making her way back to the hotel room and getting violently ill, as well as being sore and light bruising in the genital area. I guess my question is what do I do? I've never felt so much rage in my entire life, and I'm the opposite of a violent man. obviously not towards her, towards this unknown assailant. How do i help her through this and get myself back to normal? What do I do about our sex life and what effect will it have?

any help is greatly appreciated. I love my girlfriend very much and want to push past this and get our lives back on track

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

If your girlfriend has been raped, she has been through a terribly traumatic event. The first step in a rape is to get help. No one should ever try to handle a rape on their own. You need professionals to help guide you and your girlfriend and to help deal with the initial shock and other symptoms as a result. Your girlfriend may be resistant to getting help due to the shame or fear she feels over what happened. But if at all possible, encourage her to seek out the police and a local crisis rape center. Here is a link that can help you with resources on how to find your local rape center:

The next step is to seek out therapy. Your girlfriend will need the support. But you also need someone to talk to. Your girlfriend's rape affects you as well. You may begin to show signs of the situation through stress, nightmares, feelings of helplessness and anger. All of these feelings are very normal. Support is vital in helping you both feel less alone and to help you recover from this trauma.

You can also help yourself deal with your feelings through expressing them in a safe manner. Exercise (such as boxing to get out aggression), talking to friends and family (if your girlfriend is ok with you telling what happened), therapy and taking care of yourself can help you cope with your anger and other emotions.

You can also be there for your girlfriend by being supportive of whatever she needs. It is often hard to know how to respond because there are a number of symptoms people have to traumas. They may deny there was a problem and try to ignore what happened. Or they might become hysterical. Or they could experience depression, anxiety, trouble sleeping and other symptoms. So being there for your girlfriend means letting her talk to you without judging what she says and encouraging her to seek out help and support.

It helps to learn more about rape through talking to professionals and through self help. Here are some resources to help you:

Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault (Re:Lit) by Justin S. Holcomb and Lindsey A. Holcomb

Most of all, realize that recovery often takes a while. Your girlfriend may experience flashbacks when she tries to be close to you especially during sex so a lot of reassurance and very slow steps in reconnecting helps a lot. Let her be your guide in what happens. She might pull away, reject you or even take out her feelings about the assault on you. Do your best to be patient and express your feelings through therapy and support. Also, keep the lines of communication open between you both. The more you can talk about what you feel, the easier it will be to heal.

I hope this has helped you,
I hope my answer was helpful to you. If you have any other questions, please let me know.


May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

i tried to reply did it not go through?

I am sorry, I did not get the reply. I apologize for the inconvenience. Can you resend your reply?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

We have been together for two years now, this weekend is actually our anniversary and we have just recently started to break down all the walls from the last incident she had. Now that this has happened im scared all the progress will be lost. any advice on that?

She might go back some in her progress depending on her ability to cope. This incident may bring up some of the pain she had before. But because she has already worked through an assault before, she now has tools she can use in her recovery now that she did not have the first time. She just needs to work through the stress of this incident. Extra support and therapy can help her recover.


PS I need to sign off for the evening (it is late here). If you need to respond, I will answer as soon as possible tomorrow.
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