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Ask Dr. Z Your Own Question

Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5462
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I am married to a great woman but the passion in our relationship

Resolved Question:

I am married to a great woman but the passion in our relationship stopped years ago. I recently met another woman whose company I enjoy and we've had several romantic encounters. I feel like crap but I can't get this woman off my mind. I give her everything and I realize I am an idiot but I can't stop. The sad thing is that we are friends and I would feel bad abandoning her too.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

DoctorZ :

I can imagine that this situation has caused you a lot of distress

DoctorZ :

May I ask, why do you believe that passion in your marriage stopped?

DoctorZ :

It seems like that you value this other woman to a great degree because she is also a friend. Is it possible that you are in love with this other woman and not your wife anymore?

DoctorZ :

I see that you are offline right now, but when you get back online I would be very interested in continuing this discussion with you and talking about anything further you would like to share regarding your concern, so if you respond in the chat box I will be able to get back to you as soon as possible.

Customer:

I feel I still love my wife, just not the all consuming passion that we had for years. She let herself go for a while and I had to care for her for 7 years. This other woman is very nice and quite beautiful. I dont think I love her but I do enjoy being with her and find myself upset if we dont communicate.

DoctorZ :

Okay, so it sounds like your wife gives you some of your needs and the other woman give you other needs that you want.

DoctorZ :

How does the other woman feel about you?

Customer:

Yes, I would agree with that. She is scared of me. She just got out of a relationship and she says she could fall for me very easily. Frankly, I am scared of her too. I really like her but it is wrong. I give alot to her but I think its too much.

DoctorZ :

It sounds like she can easily be in love with you if you desire that with her, but it sounds like you do not love her, but you love your wife. Have you considered going to couples counseling with your wife to help get the passion back in the marriage

Customer:

I have but my wife is not quite stable yet. I dont think this girl loves me. Shes closed off but yes, I feel she could love me eventually. She wants me to be patient and wait. I dont know. Its tempting. I find her to be great but I'm very torn. I don't see the passion returning. My wife and I are good friends and companions at this point. Lots of health issues at her end.

DoctorZ :

You did say that you feel her health issues are what is a contributing factor in the loss of passion and I think you would feel guilty if you chose this other woman because of your wife's health issues.

DoctorZ :

Well you do not need your wife to go to counseling with you at this point, you can go by yourself and get the benefits from that and when your wife is ready she can join.

Customer:

yeah, i could. I just dont know. I think about the girl alot and have found myself going by her place which is an odd way home for me. We text constantly and meet up once a week. It just feels its too much for me. My mind is reeling and I can't sleep, find myself morose. Its not good.

DoctorZ :

You are feeling guilt and anxiety about having these two woman that you care about and you do not want to hurt either one of them, but at the same time you do not want to make a mistake and be unhappy in which relationship you choose to pursue or keep

DoctorZ :

Counseling can help you figure this out with you and help you weigh the pros and cons of each decision

DoctorZ :

Here is a good therapy worksheet that may help you by the way

Customer:

yeah. to be honest, I tend toward the second girl. My wife and I are really good friends but past that, not much. I agree about counseling. I will set something up. thank you.

Customer:

I dont want to tend toward her though I dont think. Ive helped her get into grad school and find work. Thats how this started. I was being a good samaritan. lol

DoctorZ :

You were being a good Samaritan, but I bet you also had romantic feelings for her too at the same time.

Customer:

not at first. then on our second time together, things got out of hand and we ended up sleeping together. Totally unplanned. Now about twice a month, we meet. I tried to break up with her but she's good about convincing me to stay too.

Customer:

well, we meet and fool around. other than that, we have dinner and go see movies.

DoctorZ :

This is a tough situation for you and I cannot tell you which one to choose, as there are positives and negatives for both relationships. Right now the other woman does seem like a real relationship at this point, but it sounds like it could blossom into one if given the opportunity.

Customer:

Do you think I could be friends with the second girl? get out of this horrible obsession phase and be just friends?

Customer:

I think I am obessed though. I need to get out of it.

Customer:

But I dont want to lose the girl. I really like her as a person.

DoctorZ :

Wow, that would be tough for you I think and for her too. Right now I do not believe you can be just friends, the emotions are just too strong. I think if you get out of the relationship and avoid all contact would be best for you if you did not want contact with her anymore

DoctorZ :

I understand that she is a great girl and that she means a lot to you, but I like I said one of the two people in this relationship is going to be hurt by your decision, that is inevitable.

Customer:

wow. that would be tough. we're kind of intertwined through our jobs too.

DoctorZ :

Well you can still speak to each other on a professional basis, but if you want to resist you obsession over her, you have to limit your contact with her

Customer:

ok. ill be honest though. Im not sure if I want to be with my wife on this basis either.

DoctorZ :

And that in lies your dilemma. You do not want to feel guilty about being with this other woman that makes you really, but at the same time you do not want to be with your wife either. While your wife is a safe bet because you two have developed a strong relationship, being with this woman would constitute a chance because you do not know precisely what the future will hold for you two.

Customer:

convoluted huh? lol. I think being alone may be the best option. lol

DoctorZ :

Being alone will help you think and make a reasonable and objective decision

Customer:

should i leave my wife?

Customer:

or stay and tell her i need time?

Customer:

Ive actually told her about the girl, just not the depth of the relationship?

DoctorZ :

Well I think your wife relies on you because of her health issues, so I think staying and helping would be good for your guilt, but that you would like time to decide on how to proceed with the marriage.

DoctorZ :

You do not have to tell her the extent of the relationship with this other girl as that can hurt her recovery period and I do not think you want that

Customer:

Do I ask for time alone or move out of our room?

DoctorZ :

I would stay in the house, but may be move out of the room. But again go to counseling and when she is ready have her join too

DoctorZ :

Also I think it would be fair because you want to think things over that you should not see the other woman either, but you can continue to talk to her and your wife

Customer:

I see her tomorrow for work. lol. I see what you are saying. its tough though.

DoctorZ :

It will be tough for you, but if you really want to make an objective decision you need to do this for yourself. Because like you said this girl can be very persuasive, which is why I recommended limiting contact

Customer:

yeah, I will after tomorrow. I hope she bails on me truthfully but i doubt it. Not like Im a prize but Ive broken up with her 3 times in two months.

DoctorZ :

I think you have a tough decision and no one can tell you which person to choose, but yourself. Still I think you owe it to yourself to take some time and give it a lot of thought without outside pressure from your wife or the other girl

Customer:

ok. thank you doctor. I appreciate the advice. Hope I can avoid the other girl. lol

DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am always happy to help. I hope for the best and I hope it all works out. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so please if you have any other questions or concerns please feel free to contact me at anytime.

Customer:

thanks again.

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5462
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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