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Hi and welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
I applaud your honesty first and foremost!
I am disappointed to hear that she thinks marriage counseling is BS...clearly I feel otherwise.
I might suggest since she is unwilling at this point, that you get into some individual counseling to figure out what is going on for you and why you are getting into legal troubles and why can get distracted with your child.
It happens to all of us, although we don't like to believe that.
I have been in counseling for a few years now
Is your wife very hard on you about many things?
When it comes to raising our child - yes
i am glad you are in counseling. Do you find it helping you?
Yes I do, I have learned a lot about myself,
I tend to try too hard and think too much
I have been told to think more about the present, than the future or past
not atypical...we as women think we know it best all the time. Sadly that isn't good for any of us...our children or our spouse.
It sounds like the more you are criticized the harder you try and doubt yourself too
Jen, I love my wife and son with all my heart and soul. I want to make things right again. Unfortunately, she is really pissed at me
I would give it some time but while doing so, let her know that you are aware of your failings as a husband and a father and are doing and will do what is necessary to build trust again.
you will take her lead and do what it takes.
then giving some space for her to sort it out in her mind could be helpful too.
why the distraction with your son, do you think?
I guess I will have to. Sometimes I can be pushy because I want a resolution right away
Our son is acting out because he knows something is wrong with mommy & daddy
ahh again, the differences between men and women. we need time to process even stew and come back and connect when we are ready
Ok, that's good advice
I have a fear that I am going to lose her forever
that is why I suggest letting her know how you understand, take responsibility and will give her the time to heal while being there how she needs
yes and the more that fear guides you, the more you push and the more she pulls away.
She is a great gal and is the best thing that has ever happened to me. If we break up, people will blame me
they will label me as a screw up
"honey, I love you. I have made mistakes and keep asking you to trust in me. I see how I have hurt you and our son. I will give you the time to heal, but I love you and our Son and will do what it takes to stay together."
who is they? and I hate labels. we all do some things that arent great.
I am sorry you have had that label put on you. make the changes for you and that will impact your wife and child.
I just want us to be a happy family that bonds together. Things were great when we first got married,
When we had kids, things changed
it always does...sometimes in better way and sometimes in more difficult ways.
Unfortunately, she does not like my family, when before, she did
how long are you married?
it will be six years in a couple of weeks.
I asked her if she wanted to do anything for our anniversary, and her response was "I do not even want to think about that right now"
ok and so dont push her..I know thats hard for you, but let it rest
has she said she is going to leave you?
yes it is hard.
ok, so hang onto that. give her space...we need it in order to reconnect. Trust me on this....it is how we females do it
we are not quick fixes
annoying perhaps, but true.
LOL.....I hear ya. I am a very ambitious, get it done type of person
yes I can hear it and the two styles right now are bumping into each other.
I have Executive Management qualities
I can hear them!!! :-)
that is not how a marriage or fatherhood works...put that on the back burner when you walk in the door.
she went out with her mom and took our son with her to do some "shopping therapy"
her mom, will probably buy something for her.
lol that could be a good thing. do not harass her when she comes home...let things be.
what should I say / Do ?
Hope you had a great time with your mom!
did you get anything fun?
ok, I will tell you that I sometimes feel jealous she spends so much time with her mom
I sensed it which is why I suggested that statement.
she comes from a very tight knit, traditional Italian family where family is everything
the jealousy thing is not helpful.
I want you to look at it this way....the more she connects with others, the happier she feels in the world. the tighter you hold her, the less happy she will be
I know, my son is now very close with her mom, but very distant with my family and that hurts me
that is understandable. your son is young so keep giving him time with your family so he can develop a lot of healthy relationships
unfortunately, she has put up roadblocks with seeing my family.
She feels that my mom & dad have certain qualities that are detrimental to a child's development
and what qualities are those?
passive aggressiveness, nit picking,
your wife seems critical of a lot and would do better judging less.
your son will benefit from love and if they give that to him then great. he can be shielded from passive/aggressive behavior if that really exists
I agree, but she says she is looking out for the welfare of our child and she does not want anyone to screw it up
well then she will have a lot of difficulties in life with that view as she will meet many along the way who do not share her views and that over protecting could also be detrimental to him
I know, her mom is like that. I have heard her mom say: "I have been criticized for being over-protective, but you do not sacrifice the life of your child or put them in danger...."
and that is true...but you also need to let children grow, experience, learn.
I am not suggesting putting a child in harms way, but I cant imagine being around his dads parents qualifies as harm.
they love him and care for him and havent done anything to put him at risk?
IMO, no, however, at our son's Birthday party this past year, my dad picked up our son
My dad claims that Matty came to him when he called him and then he walked into the kitchen, where my mom took a picture
I am confused. He is not allowed to pick up your son?
my wife and brother in law claim that my dad grabbed Matthew, that he did not come to him
Coincidentally, that evening, Matthew was very clingy to mom, shy, and not himself
this sounds a bit much and you sound like you are up against some tough nonsense.
it is much, I have tried to resolve it, but to no avail.
did your wife make a big deal in front of him when your dad picked him up? could taht have scared him and cause mistrust
my parents are not bad people. Yes, they have their quirks, but hurting or dominating my son is not one of them
I am in complete agreement that marriage therapy is in order but if she wont go then all you can do is continue to work on yourself.
I hear loving grandparents!
and a Dad!
my wife grabbed Matty and then took him in the other room
where her mom was, and I heard her saying to her mom, "see, he wants to sink his claws into him.."
yes and your child sensed that so it makes sense he would be clingy. That behavior wasnt in the best interest of Matty
my wife claims that my dad traumatized him and caused him to regress 6 months
Heavy duty statements.
and even if he did grab him as grandparents can do...then the appropriate thing for her to have said is Dad, please don't grab him like that, wait for him to come and play with you.
so as you can see I have been dealing with this since Matty was born and trying to find solutions to correct the problem. But my parents are getting hurt, and I am too/
I hear it all around and feel for you.
I agree, look I need to go. She is home. My email address is [email protected]
these philosophies they have are going to be difficult to change...not likely
i cannot email you.
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