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Hi and welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
This is a tough spot for you for sure because you can see the tough road she is on but I might suggest that while she is in this space that you support her through it. with that support that doesnt feel like pressure she may be able to understand and get out of this bad relationship and from there her motivation could come back.
if she feels pushed or doesnt come to it on her own, I believe you will be fighting a losing battle.
If she lives with you it is certainly within your right to have a set of rules about what you require in order for her to remain in the home. maybe that is helping around the house, having a job outside the home, etc.
I will wait for you to come online so we can talk. I am here to support you.
I just received your rating of bad service. Without a dialog I am not sure how you came to that end? as I mentioned above, I am here to continue our talk and I was waiting for you to come back on. Here if you need.
ok, good. I am here with you. can you see me typing?
FYI when you rate you are rating my work and not that of the whole service.
I completely understand...I am not saying you support that relationship but dont cut it down either.
as soon as she feels it I am sure her guard goes up and feels the need to hang onto him.
support in terms of. honey, I love you and you can be here with us. I am sorry that we cannot have him in our home and we hope you can respect that. we are here and love you.
I wuold also be clear with what you require for her to live in your home.
I know you are walking on egg shells for fear she will leave again and just be with him
but sometimes some tough love/support is the only way to go here.
and yes it is excruciationg to have to watch this.
I am sure she does know this in her heart but she must come to this on her own as you can see she has lost all who have tried to tell her otherwise.
you are allowed to have that boundary of him not being in your home.
I feel for you and the hardest thing for you to do is to pull back, set your rules and then let her make these bad decisions on her own. She is 24 and will do as she pleases.
the battle is not helping either of you. so, can you set your rules..such as I wont nag you to go to school or get a job but if you live in this house you must be doing one. You have one month to find a job.
you may be right...she is hanging on because of some fears abt the ex. Very sad for her. Even if you know she is being dishonest it still may be worth it to bring her to someone again as she may trust at some point and be able to open up.
and I wouldnt try to convince her of that at this point. Just make it abt these are the rules of the home.
I am glad we got to talk. I can hear how much guilt and worry you are carrying as well and how you want to help her. start with a hug and let her know how much you love her.
even if she comes back and says if you love me you will let him be here.
if you think having him there helps her...then you can also set rules for both of them...both need a job, no parties, etc.
just an additional thought
I think the death of the ex has had a profound effect on her and her depression is a result. she would benefit from counseling for sure even if she lies let them deal with that.
you can also sit down with him and say knock it off...these are my rules...if you treat her this way you are gone!
be clear on what you want and lay it out for both of them! if she is immature and clearly so is he, then treat it that way!
very disturbing...so get strong with him too!
and then you have done all you can and pulling back may be the only way to go until she can figure it out on her own.
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I am here when you need