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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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Hi Jen, I have a 24 year old daughter, who is very immature,

Resolved Question:

Hi Jen, I have a 24 year old daughter, who is very immature, lacks confidence, has no drive or self esteem. She is dating a guy who is practically homeless and I feels verbally abuses her. She left home temporary to live with him in a bad part of town. Left behind private college, her car and her family. She is back home, but seems to have zero motivation to go back to school or work. She is consumed with this guy that can't offer her anything. I am at such a complete lost. Your thoughts
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 11 months ago.

Coach Jen K. :

Hi and welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Coach Jen K. :

This is a tough spot for you for sure because you can see the tough road she is on but I might suggest that while she is in this space that you support her through it. with that support that doesnt feel like pressure she may be able to understand and get out of this bad relationship and from there her motivation could come back.

Coach Jen K. :

if she feels pushed or doesnt come to it on her own, I believe you will be fighting a losing battle.

Coach Jen K. :

If she lives with you it is certainly within your right to have a set of rules about what you require in order for her to remain in the home. maybe that is helping around the house, having a job outside the home, etc.

Coach Jen K. :

I will wait for you to come online so we can talk. I am here to support you.

Coach Jen K. :

I just received your rating of bad service. Without a dialog I am not sure how you came to that end? as I mentioned above, I am here to continue our talk and I was waiting for you to come back on. Here if you need.

Customer: I could not see the answer. So sorry. I was just now able to see it. I kept signing in and out and all I could see is that you were disconnected.
Coach Jen K. :

ok, good. I am here with you. can you see me typing?

Coach Jen K. :

FYI when you rate you are rating my work and not that of the whole service.

Customer: i appreciate your answer, but it is so hard to watch each day go by with not improvement. It's hard to support the relationship with this guy since he is not someone that we trust. All she keeps waiting for is for us to accept him in our home. He does not have her best interest at heart.
Customer: Yes, I saw that you were typing.
Coach Jen K. :

I completely understand...I am not saying you support that relationship but dont cut it down either.

Coach Jen K. :

as soon as she feels it I am sure her guard goes up and feels the need to hang onto him.

Coach Jen K. :

support in terms of. honey, I love you and you can be here with us. I am sorry that we cannot have him in our home and we hope you can respect that. we are here and love you.

Coach Jen K. :

I wuold also be clear with what you require for her to live in your home.

Coach Jen K. :

I know you are walking on egg shells for fear she will leave again and just be with him

Coach Jen K. :

but sometimes some tough love/support is the only way to go here.

Coach Jen K. :

and yes it is excruciationg to have to watch this.

Customer: I feel like she knows that he is not the best thing for her, but I think that she feels if she lets him go, there will be no one else. She has zero friends as they have all given up trying to help her.
Coach Jen K. :

I am sure she does know this in her heart but she must come to this on her own as you can see she has lost all who have tried to tell her otherwise.

Coach Jen K. :

you are allowed to have that boundary of him not being in your home.

Customer: You are spot in when saying I am walking on egg shells. I feel if we push her to work or go to school, she right away starts with we are controlling her and telling her what to do. She goes with him on the weekends and I feel she is lying about where she is staying. I think they may be in a cheep motel in Los Angeles and that scares me. I think this because his family really doesn't want him staying in their home so can't see them letter her stay there. I also saw that she looked up cheap motels in Los Angeles. She cannot be honest to save her life.
Coach Jen K. :

I feel for you and the hardest thing for you to do is to pull back, set your rules and then let her make these bad decisions on her own. She is 24 and will do as she pleases.

Coach Jen K. :

the battle is not helping either of you. so, can you set your rules..such as I wont nag you to go to school or get a job but if you live in this house you must be doing one. You have one month to find a job.

Customer: I know. The only reason why is it so hard is because I feel she doesn't know any better. She is very immature for her age and has always struggled. She had a very bad experience with an ex boyfriend where he killed himself and I think she feels this guy will do the same if she leaves him. I keep wondering if I should have her talk with a psychiatrist? But again, af
Customer: Sorry, afraid that she will not be honest.
Coach Jen K. :

you may be right...she is hanging on because of some fears abt the ex. Very sad for her. Even if you know she is being dishonest it still may be worth it to bring her to someone again as she may trust at some point and be able to open up.

Customer: She doesn't seem to grasp the importance of getting a job. For medical insurance. It's like she just doesn't get the real I.mportance.
Coach Jen K. :

and I wouldnt try to convince her of that at this point. Just make it abt these are the rules of the home.

Customer: Understood. Thank you so much. I look all the time online as to who I can talk to about her. Or how,is the best way for me to help her.
Coach Jen K. :

I am glad we got to talk. I can hear how much guilt and worry you are carrying as well and how you want to help her. start with a hug and let her know how much you love her.

Coach Jen K. :

even if she comes back and says if you love me you will let him be here.

Coach Jen K. :

if you think having him there helps her...then you can also set rules for both of them...both need a job, no parties, etc.

Coach Jen K. :

just an additional thought

Coach Jen K. :

I think the death of the ex has had a profound effect on her and her depression is a result. she would benefit from counseling for sure even if she lies let them deal with that.

Customer: That is so what she would say. We have compromised and said that he can visit with her in the back yard. But at this point because of seeing and hearing her cry all the time because of the arguing I tell her that it is not fair for to to expect me to accept someone that treats her so poorly. She feels as long as he is not hitting her then he is not that bad.
Coach Jen K. :

you can also sit down with him and say knock it off...these are my rules...if you treat her this way you are gone!

Coach Jen K. :

be clear on what you want and lay it out for both of them! if she is immature and clearly so is he, then treat it that way!

Customer: Ya, I think that is the next step. We live in a nice area and in a nice home. He calls us rich, which we are not, so he doesn't seem to understand the opportunities that he is allowing her to give up. Instead of trying to come up to her level, he is bringing her down and she can't see the value of what we can offer her as far as school.
Coach Jen K. :

very disturbing...so get strong with him too!

Coach Jen K. :

and then you have done all you can and pulling back may be the only way to go until she can figure it out on her own.

Customer: Ok, thanks again and so sorry for the rating. You have been wonderful and I appreciate your time on a Sunday afternoon. Take care
Coach Jen K. :

my pleasure. you can request me anytime. please take a moment to rate again and hopefully it will be better than the last one. :-)

Customer: will do
Coach Jen K. :

I am here when you need

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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