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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5521
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Ive just learned a medical problem that could have been resolved

Resolved Question:

I've just learned a medical problem that could have been resolved over 30 has not been corrected. For a great many years my wife was not able to perform sex normally because of scar tissue and the way she was sewn after delivering my son. When we try to have intercourse, she has excruciating pain. After more than 30 years, though she may have mentioned it to her doctor neither of them pursued a solution. I secretly believe she was too embarrassed to discuss the details. For the past 3 years and only after threatening to leave or find someone else she finally told the doctor this and made him realise the gravity of the situation. I began accompanying her at appointments and this seemed to help her open up. After more than 30 years she was finally referred to a gynecologist, but nothing was resolved when she suggested a harmful Viagra type drug (which could be very harmful) and lubrication jellies. We have tried lubes before but it only slightly helped, was a turn off and was terribly messy - she was only able to endure sex but not enjoy it. It's important to me that she has pleasure too. Her gynecologist left town and she was finally referred to another. This one says that the repair to the incisions made during child birth are really poorly done. She said that she could do surgery to remove the abnormality. She also said that this would normally be considered as an expensive cosmetic surgery, but it's so bad that it has become a medical problem. Though I love her very much, I am really hurt that she would avoid taking more of an assertive attitude with the doctor to solve this problem 30 years ago I've avoided intercourse because I didn't want to hurt her. Once or twice each year for the past 20 years, she wants to try it and we do, but we don't enjoy it. Her because of pain and me, because I can't enjoy when I see how it hurts her. We have oral sex, but I don't perform it on her because she says it hurts her to have an orgasm. I have always remained faithful to her, but I'm going crazy with sexual urges and find that I have been seriously considering having sex with someone else. No one in particular, but I find it harder to keep these thoughts out of my mind. I think of what we could have enjoyed all these years and about what many other people enjoy. Realistically, I don't think I would do this to her, but I don't know if I could trust myself if another woman approached me for sex (would it be vengeance?). Even though I want it so badly, I often refuse an offer of oral sex from her because I think in the back of my mind I want her to feel the emotion of deprivation too. I often wake up in the middle of the night to find myself masturbating. I love my wife and we will have been married for 40 years on the 5th of September. I am very sexual! We are both 57 years old. We were married at 17 and have 3 children. She's been diagnosed with lupus 20 years ago and has been hospitalized many times since. Please help us, I am very hurt that she did not make the effort to have the doctor refer her to a gynecologist when it became a problem years ago. Especially when I've told her how important sex is to me. Please help. I am at my wits end. Thank you.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

DoctorZ :

I am sorry that your wife has been experiencing this pain during sexual intercourse for so long that it has ruined your sex life, I can imagine how distressing this is for you

DoctorZ :

I think your thoughts about having sex with someone else is part of "vengeance" factor that you mentioned because your wife was not assertive in the past and did not get help for this in the past and also part that you are craving sex and want it to be pleasurable for both people...you basically want to be in a relationship (even an affair) where sex is enjoyable again.

DoctorZ :

You mentioned that there was an expensive "cosmetic" surgery to help correct the problem, is that still being considered?

DoctorZ :

Also you mentioned that you tried counseling, what kind of counseling did you try in the past with her?

Customer:

The surgery offered by the specialist will be covered by our health plan. However, I'm concerned that it will have other complications due to her lupus.

Customer:

We have had marriage counseling many years ago. When it was offered just recently, she refused.

DoctorZ :

Well you are right that an autoimmune disorder like Lupus can cause complications during surgery, but it seems like this is a big issue for your marriage that must be corrected because they only reason she went to the doctor to begin with was the threat that you would leave her. Why did she refuse to go to marriage counseling recently?

DoctorZ :

Also I do not believe a marriage counselor in itself would help your situation, but maybe a sex therapist would be more appropriate with your current concerns

Customer:

I'm not sure doctor. She has always had issues with communication and often clams up instead of saying what's on her mind.

DoctorZ :

I can see how that makes your situation more difficult and frustrating. It could be because she is embarrassed, like you mentioned and that is why she does not want to talk about it. Also it seems like this pain has caused her to lose her desire for sex because most individuals would have went to a doctor because of the pain during sex, but she did not. She also may not feel that this is a major issue as you do. But a sex therapist could be someone that could help both of you. A sex therapist can teach desensitization therapy to help reduce the pain for her during sex by use of exercises, such as kegel exercises.

Customer:

This sounds like a very good "next step". I will begin the process of finding one. We have a lot of time and love invested in out marriage. Kids and grandchildren. I'm trying to avoid ruining our marriage by going elsewhere for sex. I think it would hard to convince my family and friends that leaving her for that reason is a good one. I'm afraid I would risk alienating many of them. Thank you

DoctorZ :

I understand and I do think you do love your wife very much, but this lack of sex does hurt you personally and hurts the marriage. I hope you both find something that will help her and you, and I do hope that seeing a sex therapist will be beneficial for both of you.

DoctorZ :

Is there anything else I can do to assist you today?

Customer:

Not at this time doctor. Thank you very much...

DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am always happy to help

DoctorZ :

If you have any other questions or concerns please feel free to contact me at anytime

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5521
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Dr. Z
Dr. Z
Mental Health Professional
5521 Satisfied Customers
Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.