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Hello I believe I can help you with your concern
I am sorry that your wife has been experiencing this pain during sexual intercourse for so long that it has ruined your sex life, I can imagine how distressing this is for you
I think your thoughts about having sex with someone else is part of "vengeance" factor that you mentioned because your wife was not assertive in the past and did not get help for this in the past and also part that you are craving sex and want it to be pleasurable for both people...you basically want to be in a relationship (even an affair) where sex is enjoyable again.
You mentioned that there was an expensive "cosmetic" surgery to help correct the problem, is that still being considered?
Also you mentioned that you tried counseling, what kind of counseling did you try in the past with her?
The surgery offered by the specialist will be covered by our health plan. However, I'm concerned that it will have other complications due to her lupus.
We have had marriage counseling many years ago. When it was offered just recently, she refused.
Well you are right that an autoimmune disorder like Lupus can cause complications during surgery, but it seems like this is a big issue for your marriage that must be corrected because they only reason she went to the doctor to begin with was the threat that you would leave her. Why did she refuse to go to marriage counseling recently?
Also I do not believe a marriage counselor in itself would help your situation, but maybe a sex therapist would be more appropriate with your current concerns
I'm not sure doctor. She has always had issues with communication and often clams up instead of saying what's on her mind.
I can see how that makes your situation more difficult and frustrating. It could be because she is embarrassed, like you mentioned and that is why she does not want to talk about it. Also it seems like this pain has caused her to lose her desire for sex because most individuals would have went to a doctor because of the pain during sex, but she did not. She also may not feel that this is a major issue as you do. But a sex therapist could be someone that could help both of you. A sex therapist can teach desensitization therapy to help reduce the pain for her during sex by use of exercises, such as kegel exercises.
This sounds like a very good "next step". I will begin the process of finding one. We have a lot of time and love invested in out marriage. Kids and grandchildren. I'm trying to avoid ruining our marriage by going elsewhere for sex. I think it would hard to convince my family and friends that leaving her for that reason is a good one. I'm afraid I would risk alienating many of them. Thank you
I understand and I do think you do love your wife very much, but this lack of sex does hurt you personally and hurts the marriage. I hope you both find something that will help her and you, and I do hope that seeing a sex therapist will be beneficial for both of you.
Is there anything else I can do to assist you today?
Not at this time doctor. Thank you very much...
Anytime, I am always happy to help
If you have any other questions or concerns please feel free to contact me at anytime