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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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Hi Jean, My name is XXXXX XXXXX Ive come to you once before

Customer Question

Hi Jean, My name is XXXXX XXXXX I've come to you once before and you've been very helpful. I'm going through a crisis right now with my partner, and I was wondering if you could give me some guidance.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean :

Hello, I'm here!

Jean :

I'm glad you came back. Sorry to hear you are having a crisis- not fun!

Jean :

This is the live chat format

Jean :

It's been awhile since we spoke.

Customer:

Yes it has, although I've thought about contacting you often. Sorry for the gap in time

Customer:

Hello?

Jean :

Hello

Customer:

Hi, sorry about that

Jean :

I notice you started a question previously. I'm sorry for the confusion. I will send that in as a duplicate so you do not get charged twice. I will take care of it.

Customer:

Oh wow - thank you. I really appreciate that

Jean :

Not a problem- so glad you posted again!!

Jean :

What's going on Lynn?

Customer:

yes, i really wish it were under better circumstances. to cut to the chase, my fiance and i had been having a great deal of tension between us. we were fighting constantly over big and little things. then came the blow out. i had too much to drink and blacked out. the next day he told me all the horrible things i said, and that i hit him. after that incident, he was having a hard time forgiving me, and to quote him, was 'exhausted' by our relationship. then, just this past week, he told me he got drunk at a party and cheated on me with someone else. i told him i needed time alone to process all of this. i am devastated and don't know what to do... i just needed a professional to talk to.

Jean :

That does sound like a crisis- you can get through this.

Customer:

everything i wrote screams 'don't go on together', but i'm having such a hard time with it

Jean :

Tension in a relationship plus alcohol not a good mix huh!? What do you mean? What tells you not to go on with it?

Customer:

yeah the alcohol has to go. well any other person would say (including him) that we're surrounded by red flags that say don't get married. we have trouble resolving conflict and listening to each other, we don't respect each other and now he's just slept with someone else.

Jean :

Sounds like this has been building and the alcohol was the match.

Customer:

yes that's very true

Jean :

Some work needs to happen before the big step of marriage- that's pretty clear. May have to both decide if it's something you want to work on- hard work.

Customer:

yes i agree. he keeps saying he has no wind left in his sails though, that he is exhausted. i would suggest counseling, but i'm afraid he won't be willing.

Jean :

Things have continued to happen that reinforce your mistrust- the perfect storm so to say-- you getting intoxicated saying some things, and in response he is unfaithful- which is a big betrayal.

Customer:

when he confessed to cheating, i told him i needed some time, so he's waiting on me to respond as to what i want to do

Jean :

You may need a break to sort this out- but maybe not make a sudden decision its the end.

Customer:

its a huge betrayal

Customer:

yes that's what i'm doing now. i told him i need time. i don't know how to trust this person again. i love him but i don't know who he is

Jean :

I would imagine you need time for this to sink in- after you come out of the shock. This stuff is all symptoms of other things within and between both of you. A crisis as an opportunity for you to take a closer look at yourself.

Customer:

yes that's true

Jean :

It's complicated, and you may have to start "pealing" the layers from this. Would you be able to do individual counseling?

Customer:

i am already in a type of therapy, but it is so expensive. he's objected to therapy for so long, but i've never met someone who needed it more. he's admitted to hating himself and that he has mental health issues. i guess he just doesn't want to face them. but then... they come out like this

Jean :

These behaviors just cont. to build layers, and now there is more to peel. Getting to the root of this may have to start with looking at the hurts you need to heal- this is another big one. If he's dealing with emotional/mental illness stuff, he's not real "available" to you if he's not getting treatment.

Customer:

and i don't want to give him an ultimatum: get therapy or else, because i know that won't work. but i agree there are so many layers... and he tends to oversimplify things, saying things like, 'i just want to be happy and you're not a happy person'

Jean :

Same for him this can be an opportunity for him to have to be uncomfortable forcing us to look deeper into self. He may be afraid to do the counseling- maybe has kept things buried, lots of fear "looking" at those things- for many people. Who wants to sign up to go dig up old hurts and crud.

Customer:

exactly - that last sentence sounds like something he would say

Customer:

he'll often quote ozzy osbourne: 'if i have a broken leg, why do i want to sit in a room with other people with broken legs and talk about how much it hurts to have a broken leg?'

Jean :

But.... he will have decide what is on the line and if it's worth the hard work. Funny, such a no nonsense kind of guy- keeps it simple.

Customer:

he keeps it very simple. that's why i can't help but see him saying why do all the work. he's said before, 'i don't deserve you, you deserve better than this. we should just end it.'

Customer:

its strange. the ball is in my court, but i feel like if i make any attempt to resolve things, he won't be on board

Customer:

i've said before that the only reason i would break up with him is if he cheated on me. he knew that and he did it, which seems to be intentional in getting me to end the relationship

Jean :

Does the broken leg stop hurting when you leave the room? Just a thought. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal- that mistrust stuff- amplifies.

Customer:

that is a very good question

Customer:

and yes - i'm completely devastated by what he did

Jean :

The first thing might be to consider a separation? He broke a sacred rule in the relationship

Customer:

we are right now. i'm staying at my family's home. i told him i needed time to process this, and didn't say how long that might be

Customer:

i'm just struggling with this time alone. and struggling to find what is the right thing to do

Customer:

Jean?

Jean : Be right with u
Customer:

ok

Jean : I got cut off sorry b right wit u
Customer:

no that's ok

Jean :

I'm back

Customer:

ok

Jean :

There is no right or wrong way- for sure time, and talking about your hurt with others

Customer:

ok. my family will be asking questions why he isn't around. if i tell them the truth, they'll hate him and think i'm absolutely insane for sticking around

Customer:

this is a huge point of stress for me that i think about

Jean :

You may consider journaling, allowing whatever comes to come- get it off your mind- crying is all part of this- can be healing. You do not have to tell anyone anything- maybe simply saying you are dealing with something??

Customer:

yes i've been both journaling and crying pretty consistantly - ha. i'll try saying that to them. they'll want an explanation... not sure what i'll say

Jean :

You are asking yourself the same question as others will ask- why with him?- especially when you said it would be the end if he cheated.

Customer:

exactly.

Jean :

It's okay to lean on your family when you hurt though- whether you stay or not.

Customer:

if they know the truth, they will never forgive him

Jean :

Be around people who support and love you can be comforting.

Customer:

yes i do have a few friends like that

Customer:

as for why him

Jean :

It hurts and it will continue to hurt, no way around this one- so painful- of course you are suffering emotionally- normal reaction to this. Can not always explain the heart with the thinking head. This has hurt you to your inner most core- heartache!! I didn't lose you did I? I think you were explaining why?

Jean :

It was showing you typing

Customer:

yes lost me for a second

Jean :

I'm sorry- not sure what's up??

Customer:

i think he is one of the most special people in the world and i am still in love. i also am feeling the pressure of being 35 and having to potentially start all over again

Jean :

Right, to think of the dating world very daunting indeed.

Customer:

if this betrayal came out of nowhere, than that would be one thing

Customer:

but as you said

Customer:

it was a long time coming

Jean :

You do not have to make a decision right now, what you need is to have support, feel those emotions as uncomfortable as they are :(

Customer:

yes i'm doing it... he only told me a few days ago. i just am anxious to get rid of this pain. but i know it has to run its course

Jean :

You will get through this- and stronger because of it- does not feel that way now, of course.

Customer:

definitely not

Jean :

Can't go around it, can't go over it have to go through it- hang on!!

Customer:

trying to

Jean :

Sadly this hurt is life school- you are not alone!

Customer:

i should quickly mention - even though this deserves more than 'mentioning' - he has attempted suicide before. that's what i meant by mental health issues

Jean :

Talking, writing, crying, that's what it's going to look like. Sort of like a newborn who sleeps, poops, cries- it's part of this- cry, talk, cry, etc. Those are big big issues- suicide stuff.

Customer:

yep, that's what life has been for the past few days. talking, crying, writing, repeat. as an expert, i ask about the suicide stuff, because he blames all his unhappiness and hurt on me, and the force behind him wanting to end his life. i feel like a monster and wonder if i'm just the convenient person to blame

Jean :

I have to run. We can continue this later. If you accept my answer we can continue to post on this question. I will check in with you later, does that sound okay? I want to support you during this time:) You can not take on the blame for that- that's much bigger than you!!

Jean :

He's the one who has to take the reins and heal that "broken leg"- you can not heal it for him.

Customer:

that is very true - thank you for saying that. i will let you go. thank you once again for all your help, Jean.

Jean :

None of us are that powerful to make someone kill them self- of course loved ones take that on- but now way!

Jean :

no way your fault I mean

Customer:

ok

Customer:

thank you so much

Jean :

Glad to help

Jean :

Check in with you later ok?

Customer:

ok sounds great

Customer:

thank you so much Jean

Jean :

You are so welcome

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Jean and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Lynn,
Hope you are hanging in there. The best you can right!? It's a difficult time for sure. Life can throw us some curve balls sometimes, and this is one of those that are most difficult. It may feel like someone has died, in a sense, the loss of that trust, feeling abandoned, lost, confused, and a surreal sense of things. I send you best wishes during this crisis in your life.
Take care,
Jean
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you so much for your kind words, Jean. That's exactly how I'm feeling - although I'm feeling a little better after your reassurance that my partner's struggles with suicide is something that' much bigger than just me. He often says that our struggles and fights lead him to such drastic feelings. It always makes me feel like a horrible, monstrous person.


I know that we both struggle with improving ourselves, and I'm doing the best I can for myself at the moment, but I really do think he has mental health issues that he's not addressing, and the longer they get ignored, the more they'll bleed into relationships. Our talk today really gave me this insight.


Thank you so much for being there for me, and for your amazing support.


All the Best,


Lynn

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Lynn,
Us humans need to support one another- the for sure thing in life is challenges. When faced with such crisis it truly can be an opportunity to become more authentic within our self. We are forced to turn inward when something like this happens. I heard someone say the only thing we can really control in life is the thermostat!! That can be helpful to put things into perspective sometimes. Apparently we are given the not so "good" in life to learn, to become better, to get a degree in Life School. When we are most in the dark is when we are most enlightened. On the flip side of the dark is light. We can really appreciate the good when faced with such heartache and crisis.

Thank you so much for the positive rating and bonus- much appreciated!!

All the best to you,

Jean

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