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Hi Jean, My name is XXXXX XXXXX I've come to you once before and you've been very helpful. I'm going through a crisis right now with my partner, and I was wondering if you could give me some guidance.
Hello, I'm here!
I'm glad you came back. Sorry to hear you are having a crisis- not fun!
This is the live chat format
It's been awhile since we spoke.
Yes it has, although I've thought about contacting you often. Sorry for the gap in time
Hi, sorry about that
I notice you started a question previously. I'm sorry for the confusion. I will send that in as a duplicate so you do not get charged twice. I will take care of it.
Oh wow - thank you. I really appreciate that
Not a problem- so glad you posted again!!
What's going on Lynn?
yes, i really wish it were under better circumstances. to cut to the chase, my fiance and i had been having a great deal of tension between us. we were fighting constantly over big and little things. then came the blow out. i had too much to drink and blacked out. the next day he told me all the horrible things i said, and that i hit him. after that incident, he was having a hard time forgiving me, and to quote him, was 'exhausted' by our relationship. then, just this past week, he told me he got drunk at a party and cheated on me with someone else. i told him i needed time alone to process all of this. i am devastated and don't know what to do... i just needed a professional to talk to.
That does sound like a crisis- you can get through this.
everything i wrote screams 'don't go on together', but i'm having such a hard time with it
Tension in a relationship plus alcohol not a good mix huh!? What do you mean? What tells you not to go on with it?
yeah the alcohol has to go. well any other person would say (including him) that we're surrounded by red flags that say don't get married. we have trouble resolving conflict and listening to each other, we don't respect each other and now he's just slept with someone else.
Sounds like this has been building and the alcohol was the match.
yes that's very true
Some work needs to happen before the big step of marriage- that's pretty clear. May have to both decide if it's something you want to work on- hard work.
yes i agree. he keeps saying he has no wind left in his sails though, that he is exhausted. i would suggest counseling, but i'm afraid he won't be willing.
Things have continued to happen that reinforce your mistrust- the perfect storm so to say-- you getting intoxicated saying some things, and in response he is unfaithful- which is a big betrayal.
when he confessed to cheating, i told him i needed some time, so he's waiting on me to respond as to what i want to do
You may need a break to sort this out- but maybe not make a sudden decision its the end.
its a huge betrayal
yes that's what i'm doing now. i told him i need time. i don't know how to trust this person again. i love him but i don't know who he is
I would imagine you need time for this to sink in- after you come out of the shock. This stuff is all symptoms of other things within and between both of you. A crisis as an opportunity for you to take a closer look at yourself.
yes that's true
It's complicated, and you may have to start "pealing" the layers from this. Would you be able to do individual counseling?
i am already in a type of therapy, but it is so expensive. he's objected to therapy for so long, but i've never met someone who needed it more. he's admitted to hating himself and that he has mental health issues. i guess he just doesn't want to face them. but then... they come out like this
These behaviors just cont. to build layers, and now there is more to peel. Getting to the root of this may have to start with looking at the hurts you need to heal- this is another big one. If he's dealing with emotional/mental illness stuff, he's not real "available" to you if he's not getting treatment.
and i don't want to give him an ultimatum: get therapy or else, because i know that won't work. but i agree there are so many layers... and he tends to oversimplify things, saying things like, 'i just want to be happy and you're not a happy person'
Same for him this can be an opportunity for him to have to be uncomfortable forcing us to look deeper into self. He may be afraid to do the counseling- maybe has kept things buried, lots of fear "looking" at those things- for many people. Who wants to sign up to go dig up old hurts and crud.
exactly - that last sentence sounds like something he would say
he'll often quote ozzy osbourne: 'if i have a broken leg, why do i want to sit in a room with other people with broken legs and talk about how much it hurts to have a broken leg?'
But.... he will have decide what is on the line and if it's worth the hard work. Funny, such a no nonsense kind of guy- keeps it simple.
he keeps it very simple. that's why i can't help but see him saying why do all the work. he's said before, 'i don't deserve you, you deserve better than this. we should just end it.'
its strange. the ball is in my court, but i feel like if i make any attempt to resolve things, he won't be on board
i've said before that the only reason i would break up with him is if he cheated on me. he knew that and he did it, which seems to be intentional in getting me to end the relationship
Does the broken leg stop hurting when you leave the room? Just a thought. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal- that mistrust stuff- amplifies.
that is a very good question
and yes - i'm completely devastated by what he did
The first thing might be to consider a separation? He broke a sacred rule in the relationship
we are right now. i'm staying at my family's home. i told him i needed time to process this, and didn't say how long that might be
i'm just struggling with this time alone. and struggling to find what is the right thing to do
no that's ok
There is no right or wrong way- for sure time, and talking about your hurt with others
ok. my family will be asking questions why he isn't around. if i tell them the truth, they'll hate him and think i'm absolutely insane for sticking around
this is a huge point of stress for me that i think about
You may consider journaling, allowing whatever comes to come- get it off your mind- crying is all part of this- can be healing. You do not have to tell anyone anything- maybe simply saying you are dealing with something??
yes i've been both journaling and crying pretty consistantly - ha. i'll try saying that to them. they'll want an explanation... not sure what i'll say
You are asking yourself the same question as others will ask- why with him?- especially when you said it would be the end if he cheated.
It's okay to lean on your family when you hurt though- whether you stay or not.
if they know the truth, they will never forgive him
Be around people who support and love you can be comforting.
yes i do have a few friends like that
as for why him
It hurts and it will continue to hurt, no way around this one- so painful- of course you are suffering emotionally- normal reaction to this. Can not always explain the heart with the thinking head. This has hurt you to your inner most core- heartache!! I didn't lose you did I? I think you were explaining why?
It was showing you typing
yes lost me for a second
I'm sorry- not sure what's up??
i think he is one of the most special people in the world and i am still in love. i also am feeling the pressure of being 35 and having to potentially start all over again
Right, to think of the dating world very daunting indeed.
if this betrayal came out of nowhere, than that would be one thing
but as you said
it was a long time coming
You do not have to make a decision right now, what you need is to have support, feel those emotions as uncomfortable as they are :(
yes i'm doing it... he only told me a few days ago. i just am anxious to get rid of this pain. but i know it has to run its course
You will get through this- and stronger because of it- does not feel that way now, of course.
Can't go around it, can't go over it have to go through it- hang on!!
Sadly this hurt is life school- you are not alone!
i should quickly mention - even though this deserves more than 'mentioning' - he has attempted suicide before. that's what i meant by mental health issues
Talking, writing, crying, that's what it's going to look like. Sort of like a newborn who sleeps, poops, cries- it's part of this- cry, talk, cry, etc. Those are big big issues- suicide stuff.
yep, that's what life has been for the past few days. talking, crying, writing, repeat. as an expert, i ask about the suicide stuff, because he blames all his unhappiness and hurt on me, and the force behind him wanting to end his life. i feel like a monster and wonder if i'm just the convenient person to blame
I have to run. We can continue this later. If you accept my answer we can continue to post on this question. I will check in with you later, does that sound okay? I want to support you during this time:) You can not take on the blame for that- that's much bigger than you!!
He's the one who has to take the reins and heal that "broken leg"- you can not heal it for him.
that is very true - thank you for saying that. i will let you go. thank you once again for all your help, Jean.
None of us are that powerful to make someone kill them self- of course loved ones take that on- but now way!
no way your fault I mean
thank you so much
Glad to help
Check in with you later ok?
ok sounds great
thank you so much Jean
You are so welcome
Thank you so much for your kind words, Jean. That's exactly how I'm feeling - although I'm feeling a little better after your reassurance that my partner's struggles with suicide is something that' much bigger than just me. He often says that our struggles and fights lead him to such drastic feelings. It always makes me feel like a horrible, monstrous person.
I know that we both struggle with improving ourselves, and I'm doing the best I can for myself at the moment, but I really do think he has mental health issues that he's not addressing, and the longer they get ignored, the more they'll bleed into relationships. Our talk today really gave me this insight.
Thank you so much for being there for me, and for your amazing support.
All the Best,