How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Z Your Own Question

Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4873
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
74815544
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Dr. Z is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I come from a bad relationship where there was alot of lies

Resolved Question:

I come from a bad relationship where there was alot of lies and mind Games.
Im now dating a wonderfull woman, but I think I have problems trusting her, she sometimes tells me things and I wonder if she is telling the truth or lying about it.
There has been 2 ocations where I have asked her when I have questions about things that happen and she has repply very calm and with explanations, at this time I belive she was telling the truth, but sometimes it makes me wonder if she is telling me the truth about things, obiously I have a problem with trusting her, how can I over come this? any good books to read? Advise?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

DoctorZ :

I am sorry that you have been experiencing this, I can imagine how distressing this is for you and how you dont want this to get in the way of your relationship

Customer:

Exacly..

DoctorZ :

It definitely seems like your past relationship has influenced you to a place where it is hard for you to trust again. May I ask, do you believe you have any self-confidence issues because of your past toxic relationship?

Customer:

No, I feel very confident, actually being a Guy sometimes over confident lol

DoctorZ :

Okay that is good then, that makes correcting this mistrust you have easier.

DoctorZ :

So most of your mistrust is based on negative thoughts that you have, so if we change that thought pattern to be more positive and plausible, then we change the behavior

DoctorZ :

So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more positive and plausible). This will help you change your way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.

DoctorZ :

In addition, this What If technique helps by forcing you to examine the positive and alternative theories to a situation.

DoctorZ :

Now you also mentioned that you would like some books as well. These are two excellent books that I have used with patients I have counseled and they do work well. You can also use them with your partner to help incorporate her into this process

DoctorZ :

You have trained your brain to mistrust because of your past bad relationship, now it is just a matter of retraining it. It will take some time, but you will get there

Customer:

I really like the Girl, but sometimes she tells me things that dont make sense and I do ask for a explanations witch she provides, what I like about this is that she is calm and gives me a answer and on my past relationship, if I asked for a explanation she will get super defensive.

Customer:

I belive she is telling the truth but my brain triggers "what if she is not"

DoctorZ :

It is good that she is open with you and not defensive, that is a good sign that she is telling the truth. You brain is automatically thinking these negative thoughts of mistrust because that is what you have been used to for so long from your past bad relationship. By using these techniques continuously you will re-train your brain to automatically trust again.

DoctorZ :

These techniques are modeled after a therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Customer:

I hope so...

DoctorZ :

How long were in you in the other relationship for?

Customer:

I know I have this problem, and just looking for help, any other advide you can give me?

Customer:

2 yrs ... one week she love me and the next she blame me for stuff and hated me

DoctorZ :

That is tough, I am sorry that you experienced that, but it is good that you are in a healthy relationship now.

Customer:

with this woman (current) we dated for 3 moths and I "Officially" asked her to be my girlfriend.. so we are going into 2 months as a couple

Customer:

how long is this chat for $35 lol?

DoctorZ :

Oh well you can spend as long as you like with me, I do not set time limits. I am here to help you

DoctorZ :

Congratulations on your recent relationship. When you talk to her about where she has been, have you ever explained to her why you are asking?

DoctorZ :

Like why you feel this "mistrust" because of your past relationship

Customer:

Yes , I tell her to be in my shoes and see where im comuing from.

Customer:

i dont tell her because of my past relationship, even tho im staring to find out is because of that.

Customer:

Im going true something right now with her, can I tell you about it?

DoctorZ :

Sure, you can tell me anything.

Customer:

She is going to school to become a NP, she is from california and goes there frequently to see family and to conduct a study at a university. she is salvadorian, family very strict.. so this week she is moving from apartment to another appartmet in another side of town. so today she called me and told me her dad wants to send a cousing to help her move, ofcourse I cant help her because the cousing does not know were dating, and if she tells hims the cousing will tell her dad and her dad will be checking on her constantly "Protective"

Customer:

this triggers to my mind.. shes liying and some X person is coming to help her and does not want me to be involved.

Customer:

I asked Why I dont meet her Dad, well in her culture, you intoduce a Guy when things are serious, like engage or dating for a while.

Customer:

her brother, mom and a isolated cuosing are the only ones she has told me they knwow about us dating.

DoctorZ :

I understand what you are going through, my wife is Peruvian, so I understand about protectiveness from parents and family members. So try to think about this objectively and use some of the techniques I gave you. What is the evidence to support her story?

Customer:

I know she is terrify about her dad.. her dad calls and she tells me to be quiet lol

Customer:

she has told me on the past when she recently move to this state AZ her mom move in with her like for a month, and that Dad will send the brothers unexpected to check on her.. scary I know

Customer:

Question, how can I think objectibly???

DoctorZ :

We are doing that right now actually, the evidence points that her dad is very protective based on what you have observed, that is helping confirm her story and the reason why you cannot help her move

DoctorZ :

Also do not forget to add, that she has never lied to you before either, that is an important fact

DoctorZ :

Now what evidence do you have that proves she is lying to you and may have an ex-boyfriend or some other guy help her move?

Customer:

none..

Customer:

she saw a psicologist today and she told me " app went fine, drained, tired of talking about problems and feelings today' so I asked You want to talked and she say " not really sortha need to process shit up" I asked "shit up? are you, talking about us? she say no about the next few days and what me and the Dr talked about, just gonna try to process it all N honestly see what are my best options, Obv im gonna piss someone off no matter what i decide which suck

Customer:

I think shes is warning me, she sense that i might get mad

DoctorZ :

So it sounds like she is going through some issues right now. I think that she just does not want to talk about it and wants time to process her thoughts and feelings about the subjects matter. We all have those times when we are sick of talking about a particular issue and just need time to think, this is one of those times. Just try be supportive and say that you are always here when she needs to talk and give her time. She will eventually tell what is going on

Customer:

Its family stuff.. but how else can I think outside the box and be supportive and dont think negative??

DoctorZ :

There is no quick fix to this, it takes time. Those techniques I gave you are very effective, but it is a gradual approach to retrain your brain with them.

DoctorZ :

If you keep practicing those techniques over and over again, eventually it will become like a habit to you

Customer:

ok, well I will give those a try, as you can see I can be inpatient lol

DoctorZ :

I know, we all want results right away. But you will slowly see improvement every time you do it. Just like how you did not magically start to mistrust in one instance, that also took time to learn that automatic behavior. And so will learning how to trust again.

Customer:

thanks!

Customer:

I guess thats all

DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am always happy to help

Customer:

thanks

DoctorZ :

If you have any other questions or concerns please feel free to contact me again at anytime

Customer:

ok!

DoctorZ :

I want to wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck with everything and I hope I provided you with excellent service tonight

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4873
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education