Hello I believe I can help you with your concern
I am sorry that you have been experiencing this, I can imagine how distressing this is for you and how you dont want this to get in the way of your relationship
It definitely seems like your past relationship has influenced you to a place where it is hard for you to trust again. May I ask, do you believe you have any self-confidence issues because of your past toxic relationship?
No, I feel very confident, actually being a Guy sometimes over confident lol
Okay that is good then, that makes correcting this mistrust you have easier.
So most of your mistrust is based on negative thoughts that you have, so if we change that thought pattern to be more positive and plausible, then we change the behavior
So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more positive and plausible). This will help you change your way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.
In addition, this What If technique helps by forcing you to examine the positive and alternative theories to a situation.
Now you also mentioned that you would like some books as well. These are two excellent books that I have used with patients I have counseled and they do work well. You can also use them with your partner to help incorporate her into this process
You have trained your brain to mistrust because of your past bad relationship, now it is just a matter of retraining it. It will take some time, but you will get there
I really like the Girl, but sometimes she tells me things that dont make sense and I do ask for a explanations witch she provides, what I like about this is that she is calm and gives me a answer and on my past relationship, if I asked for a explanation she will get super defensive.
I belive she is telling the truth but my brain triggers "what if she is not"
It is good that she is open with you and not defensive, that is a good sign that she is telling the truth. You brain is automatically thinking these negative thoughts of mistrust because that is what you have been used to for so long from your past bad relationship. By using these techniques continuously you will re-train your brain to automatically trust again.
These techniques are modeled after a therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
I hope so...
How long were in you in the other relationship for?
I know I have this problem, and just looking for help, any other advide you can give me?
2 yrs ... one week she love me and the next she blame me for stuff and hated me
That is tough, I am sorry that you experienced that, but it is good that you are in a healthy relationship now.
with this woman (current) we dated for 3 moths and I "Officially" asked her to be my girlfriend.. so we are going into 2 months as a couple
how long is this chat for $35 lol?
Oh well you can spend as long as you like with me, I do not set time limits. I am here to help you
Congratulations on your recent relationship. When you talk to her about where she has been, have you ever explained to her why you are asking?
Like why you feel this "mistrust" because of your past relationship
Yes , I tell her to be in my shoes and see where im comuing from.
i dont tell her because of my past relationship, even tho im staring to find out is because of that.
Im going true something right now with her, can I tell you about it?
Sure, you can tell me anything.
She is going to school to become a NP, she is from california and goes there frequently to see family and to conduct a study at a university. she is salvadorian, family very strict.. so this week she is moving from apartment to another appartmet in another side of town. so today she called me and told me her dad wants to send a cousing to help her move, ofcourse I cant help her because the cousing does not know were dating, and if she tells hims the cousing will tell her dad and her dad will be checking on her constantly "Protective"
this triggers to my mind.. shes liying and some X person is coming to help her and does not want me to be involved.
I asked Why I dont meet her Dad, well in her culture, you intoduce a Guy when things are serious, like engage or dating for a while.
her brother, mom and a isolated cuosing are the only ones she has told me they knwow about us dating.
I understand what you are going through, my wife is Peruvian, so I understand about protectiveness from parents and family members. So try to think about this objectively and use some of the techniques I gave you. What is the evidence to support her story?
I know she is terrify about her dad.. her dad calls and she tells me to be quiet lol
she has told me on the past when she recently move to this state AZ her mom move in with her like for a month, and that Dad will send the brothers unexpected to check on her.. scary I know
Question, how can I think objectibly???
We are doing that right now actually, the evidence points that her dad is very protective based on what you have observed, that is helping confirm her story and the reason why you cannot help her move
Also do not forget to add, that she has never lied to you before either, that is an important fact
Now what evidence do you have that proves she is lying to you and may have an ex-boyfriend or some other guy help her move?
she saw a psicologist today and she told me " app went fine, drained, tired of talking about problems and feelings today' so I asked You want to talked and she say " not really sortha need to process shit up" I asked "shit up? are you, talking about us? she say no about the next few days and what me and the Dr talked about, just gonna try to process it all N honestly see what are my best options, Obv im gonna piss someone off no matter what i decide which suck
I think shes is warning me, she sense that i might get mad
So it sounds like she is going through some issues right now. I think that she just does not want to talk about it and wants time to process her thoughts and feelings about the subjects matter. We all have those times when we are sick of talking about a particular issue and just need time to think, this is one of those times. Just try be supportive and say that you are always here when she needs to talk and give her time. She will eventually tell what is going on
Its family stuff.. but how else can I think outside the box and be supportive and dont think negative??
There is no quick fix to this, it takes time. Those techniques I gave you are very effective, but it is a gradual approach to retrain your brain with them.
If you keep practicing those techniques over and over again, eventually it will become like a habit to you
ok, well I will give those a try, as you can see I can be inpatient lol
I know, we all want results right away. But you will slowly see improvement every time you do it. Just like how you did not magically start to mistrust in one instance, that also took time to learn that automatic behavior. And so will learning how to trust again.
I guess thats all
Anytime, I am always happy to help
If you have any other questions or concerns please feel free to contact me again at anytime
I want to wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck with everything and I hope I provided you with excellent service tonight